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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex keeps asking dh to take dss on days out...

244 replies

hettypop · 18/08/2019 11:45

It's becoming a thing where dhs ex is messaging dhs links to days out and asking if we can take him because she wants him to go. Is this unreasonable? It's dhs time and she is trying to dictate what he does with his son.

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

We always have plans to see family or friends and never take dss to these events. Today she is angry at dh because she sent him a link that she wanted dss to go it. In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him. She sent this message yesterday and dh just ignored it.

But this made her presume that we were going and is angry that we are seeing family today instead!

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 18/08/2019 18:19

I really don't get what part of playing and having fun with his 6 cousins could possibly be boring for a five year old?

Judging by my own DC, nieces, nephews and close family friends, some of their absolute favourite times are all being together. Especially with the cousins. They look up to their older cousins, idolise them in some cases, and the highlight of their week is spending time all together.

I'm really not getting how being part of a close family and having other children to play with is being viewed as something negative.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 18/08/2019 18:45

I don't think it sounds boring, I think it sounds wonderful but I do get what other pp's are saying about time specifically wirh his dad - 2 days a month isn't a lot but his ex doesn't get a say either way. It is his contact time and he can do as he wishes.

I do think he should just ask why she is making these suggestions though.

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 19:00

OMGoodness I couldn't agree more with @CallmeAngelina and subsequent posters 🥰.

I hope you have seen these posts OP as so many saying totes agree with you, YANBU nor is your DH. And keep being the supportive family you are X

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 19:08

Today I have spoken to 3 of my cousins out of umpteen, each in their 40s. And my parents and a god-daughter. (On top of my local friends who I met up with, which isn't relevant here) Those everlasting family relationships didn't come out of nowhere, they came out of playing with them when I was tiny and inventing games. Poking mud in the garden together, eating Grandad's runner beans raw from the vine in his garden, having Sunday lunches together, learning to play poker and darts from my Nan and Grandad. (Even though I'm rubbish at both)

It didn't come out of being towed away to an exhibit on my own with a parent or single g/parent, to said exhibit that I wouldn't
even remember in 5 years time, let alone 40 years later!

MeridianB · 18/08/2019 19:31

Sad to hear so many people think a five-year-old spending time with his grandmother and young cousins would be a boring experience. It sounds lovely from the info you have shared.

Agree with pp advising you to shrug these demands off as attempts to exert control by someone who is trying to push their wishes (rather than their son’s).

Keep doing what you’re doing.

Frankola · 18/08/2019 20:40

It could be control. It could also be that she feels like she could save herself some money by having your dh take him out on these days out.

Does she take him on days out?

Original poster
hettypop · 18/08/2019 20:59

Thanks for everyone's replies, just catching up now.

For those asking about mediation - dh honestly didn't think this relationship would last. As previously mentioned, this is the 6th man that's been introduced to dss. However usually it's been when she's met a new one, we've had dss more so she can go out with them etc. But this has been the opposite so maybe it will last.

The time was only taken away about 6 weeks ago and neither of us thought it would actually happen.

We completely understood about us having dss once a week stopping when he started school, he would of been too tired and that wasn't a problem.

Tonight she's had another go at dh because we are going away next weekend (which isn't dh's weekend to have dss anymore!) for 3 nights seen as it's bank holiday. When dh dropped off dss, she told dh we needed to have dss next weekend as she has plans for bank holiday. When dh told her we were going away, she was outraged. I could hear her shouting from the car.

Court is definitely the next step now as dh just cannot win.

This is the first time we've been away together in 2 years and the ex has said we should be ashamed of ourselves Hmm

OP posts:
TwentyEight12 · 18/08/2019 21:14

She has serious control issues... court is the only way to go.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 18/08/2019 23:07

His ex is a Bitch. She wants total control. Your DH needs to stand up to her and go to court for more time his son.

Honeyroar · 18/08/2019 23:17

Oh that old chestnut! We've had the "you should be ashamed of yourselves" or "you're a bad father" many many times.

Greggers2017 · 19/08/2019 08:30

Actually my two oldest children have amazing relationships with their family on their dads side. They see them often. But dad also takes them on lots of days out, cycle rides, Camptrips, walks and so on. Both with and without step mum. He suggests days out to me the kids enjoy and me with him. They do however get more than 24 days a year just with their dad.
He needs more time with his dad as it's an extremely important relationship. He does not need the same amount with cousins for a good relationship, that could be reduced and still be great friends but more time with his Daddy. Especially if the little one adores his dad.

INeedAFlerken · 19/08/2019 12:39

THe Ex sounds unhinged. She wants complete control and your DH at her beck and call when she wants to do her own thing.

I'd go back to court.

skyblu · 19/08/2019 17:52

Maybe DSS is going home to his mum saying his time with dad was boring or that he doesn’t want to go.....and his mum is trying to subtly point you guys in the right direction so that she doesn’t have to have that battle (that he’s bored/doesn’t want to go/wants to do something else instead) directly with you two?

Maybe DSS WANTS/WOULD RATHER or even has been invited to the car show or whatever, but mum has said no, you can’t do that as it’s your dads weekend....so to avoid the kick off, she’s said, ‘I’ll mention it to dad as maybe he’ll take you’

Maybe?

nuxe1984 · 19/08/2019 17:59

DP had this with his ex. Every other weekend DSD came to stay with us but ex kept coming up with things she "wanted" to attend. They lived 2 hours away so not convenient to just take her. Plus we wanted to do our own stuff with her, see family, go to local events, etc. Ok if it was a party or something important but these things would be mentioned in a text the day before (so being used as an excuse to reduce contact time).

In the end he went to the court to get a contact order sorted so that it was laid down he would see her every other weekend and also every other Christmas (up until this point she'd never spent Christmas with him since he left when she was 4 - and this was when she was 10).

Ex tried it on a few times but we just pointed to the court order and that shut her up.

She's trying to control his time with his father. It's not up to her what he does when she's with you and let's face it, she could probably find something every weekend if she tried hard enough. If it was a wedding or a family 50th birthday party or something like that then ok, swap dates - but otherwise it's just sorry but we have plans. It's also good for the child to learn he can't go to everything.

mumeemoo · 19/08/2019 18:15

YANBU. My DH's ex used to try something similar- she used to always try and arrange appointments etc when dss was with us and dictate what we were doing. it was her way of keeping control of things. We would patiently and repeatedly ask her not to do it and re arrange appointments.

My ex DH was useless at doing anything with my DC but it would never have occurred to me to send ideas for activities for the them - his time his responsibility. My DC were perfectly able to voice their wishes.

My dss is grown up now and he chooses when to see us and his mum. It is quite amusing to watch her try same tactics directly with dss and he patiently and quietly asserts and rearranges his own schedule to suit him and not his mother. Guess he learnt how to manage her from us. She is a control freak and always will be. I suspect your dh's ex is the same. The good news is that it wont last for ever. I suggest Wine and Cake until then Smile

artyone · 19/08/2019 18:33

Wow, I'm surprised by some of the responses on this post. I came from a divorced family and we often went to see my grandparents/cousins on my Dad's time. We asked to go often as we enjoyed playing with the cousins.
I would suggest the OP ask the mother why she is suggesting these events?

pollymere · 19/08/2019 18:39

I think you need to up your time, not decrease it. I wouldn't want a child of mine being brought up by someone like that. Could you do Friday night to Sunday night and maybe share the School holidays? You are his Stepmum and it sounds like he should be getting to know you better than his Mum's multitudinous boyfriends. I suspect you're going to need to get a Court order in place before all contact is lost, especially as you'll have school performances and parent's evenings to manage too.

saraclara · 19/08/2019 18:45

There are some bizarre posts on this thread.

It sounds like the perfect weekend for a five year old with a loving family. A day out with his dad on Saturday, and playing with his six cousins on a Sunday, and being spoiled and loved by his Nana and aunts and uncles.
My daughters adored family days like that, when they were that age. They had a high old time together, and were bathed in warm family life.

Considering how often MNers complain about Disney Dads and moan that they have to be the boring parent, you'd think the sort of weekend that the OP's DSS gets would be universally approved of.

ToftyAC · 19/08/2019 18:56

The ex is an overcontrolling dick. YANBU whatsoever. I am someone who grew up in a large, extended family and I treasure those memories as most are sadly gone now, including my parents who both died fairly young.
If you can afford it, get your DH to the nearest family law solicitors, get a contact order where DHs contact is set down in stone and move on. Any more shenanigans from the exW? Ignore, ignore, ignore. Best of luck.

user1485851222 · 19/08/2019 19:07

Stick to your guns, he enjoys his time with his dad and the rest of your family.. tell her she can do the events she suggests when she has him & you and his dad will decide how you spend your time together. I'd start to document what she sends us and her reaction when you don't do what she wants, in case it ends up in court. Good luck and don't let her cause problems between you and your husband...

wallowinwater · 19/08/2019 19:12

Totally unreasonable to be doing that on a regular basis.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 19/08/2019 19:20

Take her to court, she's deranged. She can't dictate anything to DH.
You sound like a wonderful step Mum and some of these comments are ridiculous.

Tistheseason17 · 19/08/2019 19:22

OP - you sound lovely and supportive and trying to create a secure family unit when DSS stays with you.

As for PPs saying he needs to be entertained or taken out every time you have him... how bizarre? I don't take my kids out every day I'm with them. Sometimes they get bored and then we play games together - paying to die something or go somewhere does not make a child love you more. I love my dad but we didn't go out every time he was at home! Hmm

Jellyrunner · 19/08/2019 19:54

His ex is being unreasonable and controlling. It is up to your OH what he does with his time when his son is with him. I am really annoyed at some of the responses, their time together is not about extraordinary days out, the parents separation has not turned him into the ‘fun uncle’. He is still his dad whose job it is to bring him up, not to become the entertainer, so DSS should be spending time in his every day life and to OPs partner that means regular family catchup. Dad should not become Disney dad.

He should ignore her, don’t give her any airtime and do what he thinks is best. And I personally believe time with his dad is far more bloody important than him getting to know the new man so get to mediation and then court if necessary. She is a golden uterus.

Gohardorgohome · 19/08/2019 20:27

@WillLokireturn summed it up for me! Also a first wife who whilst sometimes finding it hard that my ex has moved on would never, ever dick about with his time with the kids to land cheap blows on him

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