Ex keeps asking dh to take dss on days out...

[hettypop]

It's becoming a thing where dhs ex is messaging dhs links to days out and asking if we can take him because she wants him to go. Is this unreasonable? It's dhs time and she is trying to dictate what he does with his son.

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

We always have plans to see family or friends and never take dss to these events. Today she is angry at dh because she sent him a link that she wanted dss to go it. In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him. She sent this message yesterday and dh just ignored it.

But this made her presume that we were going and is angry that we are seeing family today instead!

I used to love going to my grans every weekend and playing with my cousins. I only got fed up with it once I was a teenager.

Your DH needs to stick to his guns and not change his plans to suit his ex. She can take him to these places if she really wants him to go.

Sounds to me like his mum doesn't think you are putting enough effort in. What do you do on the Saturday when you have him?

There is no guarantee a court would reinstate every weekend contact especially as he is now at school, his mum is entitled to weekend time with him too. Trying to get midweek contact would be better.

Surely the reason for EOW is due to DSS starting school? It wouldn't be very fair for ex to do all the boring work in the week and get no quality time with DC. I can understand logic for reducing contact.

Why doesn't your DH discuss making tea time in the week part of the arrangement - I know you said she said no because of boyfriend but if he had a set day every week and said he'd go to court otherwise surely she would be reasonable.

I would suggest your DH discusses this with his ex and ask why she's suggesting these things - it may be that DSS has said something or maybe that she is controlling but no one will no for sure until he speaks to her about it - has he tried that?

What do you do on the Saturday when you have him?

The OP has already said several times what they do on the Saturdays they have him. Try going back and reading her posts.

You mentioned she won't do mediation. But has your DH ever spoken to a solicitor or sought other advice about going to court? Complaining about loss of time with his son is all well and good, it blows off steam. But simply complaining when there are legal remedies is foolish.

We spent quite a lot of time at our grandparent's when I was younger. There were 15 cousins and we had a great time when we were your DSS's age. But once we hit our teens, even with cousins our age it stopped being so great as we all had our own friends and would rather have been with them. So enjoy it whilst you can.

It sounds as if you and your dh are a calming and stable influence on your dss whereas his mother is more into experiences. This is filtering through into how she thinks you should run your weekends and how she runs her life. So many different men in such a short period of time would perhaps suggest she is addicted to endorphine rushes. And that she has poor boundaries for she shouldn’t be introducing anyone unless they are very serious. And that cannot have been possible for all 6!

Your dh is going to need to take her to court to get more contact time if she refuses mediation again. Every other weekend seems fair. Now that your dss is older, how much contact does your dh want? There is perhaps the option to move closer and do 50/50.

The reason for her reducing contact between DSS and his dad is disgusting. Its great that Ex want her son to have a relationship with her partner but not to the detriment of his relationship with his father. I’m wandering if she’s jealous of her son’s relationships with extended family so she’s trying to reduce that too.

Btw when my DS was 5 he’d have been bored walking around a car show and I think most of my friends children would have at that age.

Honestly, it used to be similar when I was young and I didn't like going to my nans who had a house full. I am an introvert and I found it stressful. I don't get on with my cousins now and it is because we were forced to be together so much. I did tell my mum though who tried to drop subtle hints about us doing something else. I would always act happy to go though as I felt guilty. So it could be that.

Or it could be that she is very controlling and wants to manage his time still. I don't think it is okay she is now limiting your husband's time so she can build a new family with her partner. I would be formalising arrangements before she takes more away

She has no right to dictate what you do with your DSS at the weekends. It is your time with him. Imagine if you were doing it back to her on her weekends?

Honestly, your h needs to go grey rock on her.

Ignore all but sensible messages

No reply, no acknowledgement, nothing.

It’s his time with his son, she needs to ftfo

We had this with my oh ex. Telling us what we’d done wasn’t girly enough (yawn) or that we needed to watch strictly or something . Wtf! That’s what iPlayer is for! Dsd can catch up in her own time!

We did loads of stuff with her, stuff that she always wanted to do! There wasn’t a problem at all with our activities- just that the demonic ex wasn’t calling the shots!

Fuck her. Seriously just ignore and block if necessary.

If she reduces contact, get solicitors involved and don’t back down

You can spot the first wives brigade a mile off on this thread with their clear hatred for step mothers. You've done nothing wrong OP your DSS's mother is clearly as bitter as many of the people commenting on here.

You can also spot the amount of posters who clearly have spoilt entitled children. I can't believe people are suggesting a 5 year old should get to complain to his mother he's bored when he's with his dad and then his dad pander to it and cancel family time to take him for a day out on his own. Seriously? Part of being a child is learning to be bored and also spending time with family and just playing with cousins etc. It has absolutely nothing to do with his mother what he gets up to in Dad's time with him.

My oldest child has 1v1 time with the parents in the home because some things aren't suitable for younger child so either me or his SF will take him.

Same with my oldest at his dad's house. Sometimes his SM wants an hour or more away from her child so will take kiddo out with her and leave my ex with their baby. Or dad takes kiddo and ex stays with baby.

So every Sunday you have DSS, you go to nanas, Is that right?

So dss gets one day out, and one extended family day every two weeks? And with new arrangement you only see him 4 days a month?

You need to get visitation sorted legally. I find it off that a man “all about family” hasn’t tried to legally sort out more time to avoid ex’s whimd

I think a polite message saying thanks for the suggestion but we already have plans, as a pp suggested, is the way forward and reply with this everytime.

Ex has no right to dictate, suggest yes but she’s dictating as her reaction shows when dh doesn’t go with the plan.

Most of my weekends were spent at my Nans. Back in the 70’s, no days out here and there, only during school holidays. I do look back and those days with fondness and I’m glad I was able to see my Nan & Grandad as often as I did, they sadly died when I was in my early teens.

I think communication is key though. Was ex annoyed that your dh just didn’t bother replying? Just keep on with the polite, generic reply and hopefully she will get the message.

Sounds like your dss has a great relationship with his dad and that surely is the main thing here.

My husband's ex wife (who had an affair, left him and remarried within six months, two years before I came on the scene - scene setting before the bitter Mumsnet ex wives get their knickers in a twist!) went through a phase of this. She basically wanted to erase my husband from her (and her son's) life and play happy families with her next husband. She insisted we dropped our every other Fridsy night because she'd organised something for her step kids and family that she wanted DSS to do too. We allowed that, although the activity was soon dropped and he was never allowed back on a Friday night. Any activities we had organised were over ridden. DSS used to say he wanted to come more often but she wouldn't allow it. DSS got very onto horse riding, which we did, and had his own pony. When he fell off and she went to top doctors trying to get them to say he wasn't allowed to ride anymore, luckily they all laughed at her. Basically because she didn't like that we all shared a hobby. (13 years later he still rides a lot). She used to ring up and tell DSS that he didn't sound happy, did he want picking up? Was he just saying no because his dad was there? My DSS adored his dad and was quite happy with us. Finally she booked a luxury holiday over our wedding, knowing that DSS was being our best man (aged 10) and was looking forward to it. We'd given her a year's notice. Luckily her second husband put his foot down, cancelled the holiday and left her (not because of us obviously!). They were tough times, really put stress on our relationship as everything used to get messed around all the time by her. It's easy to say go back to court, but it's not cheap and we had no spare money, whereas her family were millionaires who funded her. We sat it out, kept putting our feet down, and thankfully she calmed down after a couple of years. Now stepson is a young adult at uni we deal with him, despite her trying to control things every now and again.

Anyway, long story, sorry, but back to OP - you've got to keep saying no. Tell her she's already taken one day away, which you were good enough to allow, she needs to organise things in her own time. Obviously as the child gets older there will be more clubs and activities that may chip into both parent's weekend time.

I'm really surprised by these replies.

Assuming that dss is primary school aged or younger, a day playing with cousins and seeing nan sounds great. It's twice a month!

I think family time is important, and it’s obviously nice to see his cousins etc.

But I suspect if you did nicer/more exciting things on Saturdays than you currently do (you said sometimes you stay in and do nothing?) your DSS would be going home telling his mum about the fun things he’s done and she might not feel the need to suggest things for you guys to do.

I realise that it could be a case of “what have you done at daddy’s this weekend?” And a response of “nothing really” typical of many children, even when you’ve done something fun.

But I would have an honest think about whether you could be spending your Saturdays doing more varied and interesting things. Do you often google what’s on in your area and take DSS on Saturdays? Just a thought, not a criticism btw

knowing the ex's games as you do - why hasn't/isn't your DH applying for court ordered contact?

I very much doubt that the new person was her reasoning for reducting visitation. Why would the dad accept it? I can't see any official mediators or a court agreeing with that plan.

I think it is speculation of the SM

YANBU. My DP ex tried to do this, amongst other controlling things. Tried to undermine his ability to parent by dictating what he could and couldn't do with DSS. Really pissed me off. If someone is trustworthy enough to have 'access' let them parent FFS.

I'm a step mum and my ds also has a step mum no way would I be dictated to, nor would dream of dictating to his df/sm what to do on their time.
Yanbu at all. Ignore her. Kids can't go to and attend everything. That's life.

Derbee a father doesn't have to arrange activities every single day of their contact! The mother won't be entertaining every day the child is at theirs.. He's not a Disney dad, he's the child's family. Families sometimes spend days at home..

I loved time with my cousins when I was younger.