Ex keeps asking dh to take dss on days out...

[hettypop]

It's becoming a thing where dhs ex is messaging dhs links to days out and asking if we can take him because she wants him to go. Is this unreasonable? It's dhs time and she is trying to dictate what he does with his son.

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

We always have plans to see family or friends and never take dss to these events. Today she is angry at dh because she sent him a link that she wanted dss to go it. In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him. She sent this message yesterday and dh just ignored it.

But this made her presume that we were going and is angry that we are seeing family today instead!

It’s between your DH and his ex. Their son, so not for you to get stressed about. If DH doesn’t take him to at least one or two of these events (if DSS wants to go of course) because HE chooses not to, then fair enough, but if he chooses not to take his son because of the moaning he gets from you, then not fair enough.

But they've just arranged family activity day at GM's until she dies or no longer lives there. A long running standing commitment to be there every single Sunday the kid is with his dad.

And with regards to time being reduced. I'd go to court. Dsd mum tried to reduce time as she'd upped her hours at work so wanted more Weekends with dsd. The court told her it was her choice to. Up her hours and should not affect dhs time with dsd. In fact her petty ways and things she brought up in court ended up with him being grated more time than originally.
She was daft enough to use the words ' you are not having her xyz days' the judge said that was down to him to decide and with an attitude like that she'll find herself in a difficult situation. To which she rolled her eyes.. It didn't go down well.. The transcript we paid for is quite eye opening.

Spend your weekends together as you see fit.

I would also say it’s definitely worth your while to stop wasting brain power and emotions regards worrying about what she wants her son to do whilst he is in his father’s care.

Take a leaf out of your husband’s book and do as he does: IGNORE HER

I'd say that would depend if she upped her hours to maintain the quality of life they as parents set out to maintain or as near to as possible after the split.

That must be pretty boring for a small boy to just go and sit at his nanas every Sunday when he's with his dad. Why does it have to be every Sunday. That's really dull and repetitive for a child. Especially when the weather is nice

Don't be so utterly ridiculous. Plenty of kids visit their family every week. No bloody wonder some kids expect to be 'entertained' constantly when there's adults around them saying crap like that^.

Yes but usually that's because they're with their parents all week and therefore these activities can be balanced with others. Imagine that 50% of the time you spent with your parents, you were with your whole extended family.

Extended family being good for the child applies to his mother's family too, it sounds like he has a grandad he's close to on that side. Why shouldn't the mother and her family have equal weekend time? Again that's not to say she should be sticking her nose in on his dad's weekends.

There are some really unfair comments! The ex is being controlling!
She should arrange those events on her own time, not dictate your DH's time with his DS. Don't see how can people not see that.
How is spending time with lots of cousins, nanas, aunts and uncles the wrong thing to do? it baffles me! I am a single mom, with a 12 DD, unless I travel abroad to see my family, we rarely have these moments and I regret them for my DD. She just loves it and I used to love it too.
What is this obsession with filling the days with events and activities all the time?
Keep doing what you're doing and your DH should mediate or escalate it to a court.

I also think DS has told his mum he doesn’t enjoy the imposed family get together every Sunday. It’s hardly quality time with his dad

I must be living on another feckin' planet! Spending time with his father and grandparents and cousins isn't quality time? You do know that you don't have to spend money on organised events etc. for a child to have a nice time don't you?

Again,its 50% of the time with his dad. I think once a month at Granny's is more reasonable.

@Rainonmyguitar
Well said!

The issue is that these weekends are perceived by you and your OH totally differently. You see it as family life goes on, and you do on weekends what most normal family do, a day out on Saturdays, Sunday with grand parents. Totally normal.

She however sees it that the time her son is not with her is purely for the purpose of spending time with his dad. She sees it that his dad should want to spend quality one to one time with him since he sees him only eow.

Neither is right or wrong. I don't think it would be a terrible 5hing to some of the Sundays, taking him to special event if something would be really appealing to his ds. However, she is wrong to deny him the fa t thst he is with family too on weekends with his dad, and that his dad's family he as much his family as hers.

Changing the weekend access makes sense now he has started school as 9tjerwise she would have almost no time during the weekend with him. School days are about routine and doings things that are not much fun, so it is fair enough. Your view that it is only to give her new boyfriend time with him is quite judgmental. You do sound clvery critical or her and invested in her personal life. This will never help relationships.

As a child I'd rather have played with cousins,much more fun that traipsing around an event.At 5 my attention span and interest in the things that interested adults was limited.
Contact time isn't just for 1:1,There were 3 of us,but we still bonded with our dad but we weren't glued to him.We went to his house and ordinary life happened which did not involve playing with our dad all day.
Loved going to my grand house!

She's reduced contact so he can get to know her new partner??

Nah. He needs to haul her sorry arse back to court because I can see exactly how this is going. He can represent himself if he needs to. No judge in the land will think that's OK.

100%.

If he rolls over and allows her to reduce contact on a whim it won’t be long before she pushes it even further.

Given that 50:50 is now the standard for child contact, assuming no abuse or other issues, I’d ask for 2/3 nights in the week (if that works around work) and keeping the every other weekend.

I’d probably suggest mediation again, but if she refuses then court is the only option.

It sounds to me like the mum is jealous of the close relationship and stability her son has with her ex-inlaws and the OP. She is trying to reduce or prevent that bond by insisting her son and his father do something else, especially if that event is something the son hasn't even heard of, never mind requested. The son's home life with his mother is hardly stable if he has been introduced to 6 new partners in 3 years.

Why shouldn't the mother and her family have equal weekend time?

They do. Every other weekend, when it’s her choice as to how that time is spent.

Yes, they do now but it was a response to those saying that the old contact should be reinstated.

All these who are saying that family time isn't quality time I'll bet you also call fathers that organise activities Disney dads.
I'm a lone parent. Up until my children were teens we went to my parents on a Sunday. How dare people suggest that this isn't quality time and boring. You can't win on here.

@NorthernSoulLover

What did you do in the week/in holidays?

How dare people suggest that this isn't quality time and boring. You can't win on here

The bitter first wives club are all over this thread. Imagine the replies if it was about a father messaging the mother with suggestions of what to do on her time...the replies would be completely different.

🙁 to.... You can spot the first wives brigade a mile off on this thread with their clear hatred for step mothers

Hey!!! I'm a first wife! Whilst that might be the case for some MN PPs, it's absolutely NOT the case for many of us!! And I'm a (court ordered) RP to my DCs, as my DC's dad is somewhat tricksie such that court didn't like his view of caring for children . (We are past that but still their dad rarely turns up for his court ordered contact, but he could have EOW. And holidays... And DCs dad hasn't always behaved well)

Regardless.... And this is important..... I wouldn't dream of eating into his (Dad's) contact time with DCs. I'd be SO very grateful that he had a stable SM who welcomed DC, an interested Dad, who were taking him out and to spend quality time with wider family regularly including cousin's and paternal grandma, on Dad's side. Especially as at age 5, DS enjoys it. (Slightly different if DS was 15 and kicking up a fuss but then that's for teen DS to negotiate with his Dad in his contact time).

Even if 5yo DS found it boring, it wouldn't be MY business as that's DS's dad's contact time to parent & plan activities how he sees fit. Dad decides how they spend their time together.

It sounds lovely OP and I wish you were my exDH's new wife/family. 🥰

There's a difference between sending a link occasionally saying, "hey, DS is really into Star wars/car shows and btw there's an event near you, here's the link if you are interested", and what she is saying that "DS must go to this random thing I have chosen and I'll send DS's maternal granddad to remove him from your contact so DS goes where I dictate, if you aren't taking him because I insist I get to over ride your already fabulous plans on your contact time" That's VERY controlling. She chooses her time, he chooses his time. That's parenting, they are not together because they differ.

I love your family tradition, DS will benefit from it and it works out well for everyone, installing close family values that your DH has grown up with.

DH should and is rightly ignoring her. She's batshit.
I hope you listen to other advice in this thread about taking him back to court for increased contact, maybe a tea time/overnight in week of weekends he doesn't have him. It'll just be one off cost of court fees if DH does it all himself without solicitors.

I'm never sure where I fit in here because I'm a stepmother, kiddo has a stepmother and sproglet is my RC with current partner. So if I hate stepmothers', I hate myself. Also I've never been a wife. Well not legally.

Considering I'm planning to go away next year with SD, her mum, and my 2, I don't think I have much to be better about.

Her mum and I are also looking at a weekend in Amsterdam in October while my partner and my ex and his partner manage all 4 of our kids. They'll likely tag team and all stay in one house for the weekend or at least meet up for a day out.

So yes,we are all drowning in bitterness!