Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex keeps asking dh to take dss on days out...

244 replies

hettypop · 18/08/2019 11:45

It's becoming a thing where dhs ex is messaging dhs links to days out and asking if we can take him because she wants him to go. Is this unreasonable? It's dhs time and she is trying to dictate what he does with his son.

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

We always have plans to see family or friends and never take dss to these events. Today she is angry at dh because she sent him a link that she wanted dss to go it. In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him. She sent this message yesterday and dh just ignored it.

But this made her presume that we were going and is angry that we are seeing family today instead!

OP posts:
Littletabbyocelot · 18/08/2019 16:16

Your weekends sound perfect to me, both as a parent of 5 year olds and as a child of divorced parents. My weekends at my dad's were normal - sometimes we went out, sometimes we didn't. No family visits as local family was on my mums side and half her weekend was normally spent on family time. The point was dad's was my home, just like mums. I could just be there, it didn't have to be planned.

My 5 year olds have limited tolerance for big events. This first year of school they've been exhausted. Sometimes they need a down day. Visiting with other kids in a relaxed setting is rarer as family are far away but it is absolutely their favourite thing ever. Routine is great for them too.

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 16:16

Kewlwifee I've reported the recent unkind post that a PP aimed at you. I don't think you need to respond to nasty personal posts.

Great SMs, SFs and DMs and DFs always should have a voice! I'm a first wife, loving DM and in my view, DCs can be very lucky to have even more family to love them in blender families, even if DM & DF don't get on anymore. Feast if they do. But.... Dad's contact time is his to plan and Mum's contact time is hers.

Stripyhoglets · 18/08/2019 16:17

YANBU at all it's not up to her at all what your dh does with ds on these days - unless ds is miserable about. Which it sounds like he wont be at all as he'll have great memories of playing with his cousins etc.

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 16:19

I meant *Great if they do. Please don't "Feast" if they do 🤪🙊

Rainonmyguitar · 18/08/2019 16:21

Kewlwifee

These comments gave it away.

I think the mother/ex is possibly in the best place to decide if an event is likely one of those things or not

Maybe make GM a once a month thing so DSS has a chance at 1v1 time with his dad on a Sunday. Possibly at an event like his mother suggests

I very much doubt that the new person was her reasoning for reducting visitation. Why would the dad accept it? I can't see any official mediators or a court agreeing with that plan.

I think it is speculation of the SM

That's just a few of you comments suggesting that yes indeed the ex should have all the power and should keep dictating to the father of the child. You also disbelieve what OP has said in some of her posts, saying it is 'speculation' on her part.

Jamiefraserskilt · 18/08/2019 16:25

She has plenty of time to take him to places and events and to ensure her family see him. She cannot dictate how you spend time with him or take your already reduced time away to accommodate her family. How long is this getting to know bf going to go on for?

IsobelRae23 · 18/08/2019 16:26

I would never do that to my ex’s!! I may have sent a link to something on that they may like, but I would never expect them to be taken. What they did with dad, was up to them.

Besides- is she paying for this? Cheeky mare.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 16:26

In this case, I do think the mum is because she has the child most often. And it's significantly more often as it has always been 5-12 days vs E-EOW. That's not in all cases but in this case, yes, mum likely knows him better in that respect.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 16:28

I do find it hard to believe that anyone official would support a plan to reduce contact solely because the mum wants her son around her new partner more often. Forgive me for being sceptical but at most, I believe she said that and the dad just accepted it. I do question why he would do that.

Northernsoullover · 18/08/2019 16:29

@kewlwifee, work full time, holiday club or various grandparents most of school hols. Saturday housework and usually somewhere nice with the children in the afternoon if dry.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 16:32

And finally, I do think that given the mum spends most time with him and likely knows what he is into AND I do think RC naturally get time alone with the adults in the house (even half an hour alone in the car for a chat), I think going to an event he would like (as mum suggested) with his dad is reasonable. My kids have 1v1 time with every adult who is a parent or SP plus other significant adults. We don't write a rota to ensure it happens but it just does.

If we lived differently with more distance and less contact, we would have to schedule this more. SD deserves time with her dad alone doing things she likes and he has to get to at least learn to enjoy watching her love.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 16:34

Evenings in the week,would you eat together, watch a bit of telly?

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 16:43

Kewlwifee
It doesn't sound like reduction in contact from EW to EOW went through official channels though, so an official probably hasn't decided. It reads more as if the mum unilaterally has.

Is that the aspect you were referring to?

That leaves Dad open to challenge contact reduction in court if he needs to. IME once DCs go to school 5/7 weekdays in term time (and the DSS is 5, so sounds about right time for a review) whole weekend contacts become more precious as will be DSS's only free whole days time.
So there's often a move to EOW or just one day in EW arrangements or/& a rejig to include one or two nights in the alternate week more time in school holidays, if EOW is replaced instead (If they live close enough for weeknights). Or maybe a different version, eg every Friday til sat lunchtime and EOW otherwise if not close enough for school morning drop offs.

That's just my observation of how c&f judges see maintaining positive contact with both parents.

superram · 18/08/2019 16:53

I went to my nana’s Every Saturday growing up and so did all my cousins. I wasn’t bored and had a great relationship with my nana. It’s not always duress spending time with people you love.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 16:55

I question who would let mum unilaterally decide on that basis. If .um said that she wants some weekends to, I could understand why you might be unsure of your standing on that one and decide not to make things official but if she said it's to hang out with her new BF, I question why any parent would just roll over.

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 16:56

I think going to an event he would like (as mum suggested) with his dad is reasonable.

Ok this I disagree with, as OP has been clear that Mum isn't 'suggesting' kindly, she's dictating and it doesn't follow that she knows son best. This DSS has two interested parents, who will bring out different sides of DSS. DM can suggest ideas by all means but she cannot force it. I'm RP mum and have my DC nearly all the time. I bloody know my DCs better day to day (as their Dad is unreliable), BUT their Dad also can come up with things I don't think of that my DCs love! And he brings out different sides and interests in them. I do not like him but I do give him respect he deserves as my DCs Dad.

I wouldn't dream of dictating to my ExH how he spends his contact time. Safe and secure and building relationships with both their parents is what we aim for.

DCs vote with their feet as they get older so if "Dadtime" is a wash out and hugely boring for them, they soon start saying they don't want to go everytime as they become older teens. But that's for them to negotiate AS they get older and for both parents to listen to.

Greggers2017 · 18/08/2019 17:04

@Stormwhale I'm not saying it's boring. I'm saying it's unnecessary to do it every Sunday he is with his dad. Of course it's important to have relationships with family but it's also important to have one to one time with his dad. He only gets one day out of 14 with his dad. The other is always with the family. What about some variety. The same thing over and over is boring.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 17:05

Well even if it's an event that Dad thinks of. That's fine. I just don't think the idea that they go and do something like that is a bad one. And I think it's reasonable to reduce Granny's to once a month standing visit to accommodate that.

JemSynergy · 18/08/2019 17:06

Why doesn't your DH ask her why she is sending the links? There could be a reason. Just communicate!

Rainonmyguitar · 18/08/2019 17:09

Stormwhale I'm not saying it's boring

Oh but you absolutely did say it's boring.

That must be pretty boring for a small boy to just go and sit at his nanas every Sunday when he's with his dad. Why does it have to be every Sunday. That's really dull and repetitive for a child. Especially when the weather is nice

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 17:11

This definitely going off track from OP's thread

As I said earlier, I'd be very glad to have an interested SM, Dad and family around on my DCs other family side. And two Sundays a month at Nanna's with same age cousins and Uncles and Aunts, sounds a hoot!
I loved every moment I spent with my cousins, they were (& still are) some of my closest friends growing up (I had plenty other & school friends and went dancing on Saturdays but often spent few Sundays a
month and time in school holidays with my huge family jumbling around).

We are close still, even though in our 30s-50s and me moving away.

There is no random event that in hindsight i would have wanted to drag me away from that fantastic support and family playtime, (unless it was to meet Captain America for me, and Tom Holland or Rugby Nation final for my DCs) ( pretty unlikely /rare events).

I'm sure DM can arrange these things if so.important, in her own time with DSS now she has EOW too.

Rainonmyguitar · 18/08/2019 17:24

This definitely going off track from OP's thread

That sometimes happens when people make things up on a thread and then deny they've said them.

whattodowith · 18/08/2019 17:25

Obviously she can’t control what you do with him during your DH’s access time however I can understand her perspective if your DSS has perhaps complained about finding time with his Dad boring. She may think she’s trying to help I guess. If you only really go to visit family it does sound a little boring, maybe some of the activities she recommends could be fun?

CallmeAngelina · 18/08/2019 17:45

FFS, what is it with people's comprehension skills on this thread? And with the projection?
This lad spends HALF of his contact time with his dad, doing things one to one. The other half is spent with his paternal family, spending time WITH HIS DAD again, and his grandparent, aunts, uncles and cousins.

WTF is wrong with that? Sounds like a good balance to me.
Just because some people on here aren't family orientated, and have decided this lad "must be bored" because they would find it boring, is irrelevant.
OP, your dh should tell his ex to shove it. Or, at least, smile and nod and ignore her suggestions, unless the boy himself states there is something particular he would like to do one weekend.

Curious2468 · 18/08/2019 18:06

Yanbu and I’m shocked how many people think you are.

Children NEED normal family time. Visits to grandparents, shopping trips, pottering round the house, chilling in front of the tv.

If a parent wants to chill with their child on their weekend days that is absolutely fine and tbh all the research says children need the opportunity to get bored

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread