Ex keeps asking dh to take dss on days out...

[hettypop]

It's becoming a thing where dhs ex is messaging dhs links to days out and asking if we can take him because she wants him to go. Is this unreasonable? It's dhs time and she is trying to dictate what he does with his son.

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

We always have plans to see family or friends and never take dss to these events. Today she is angry at dh because she sent him a link that she wanted dss to go it. In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him. She sent this message yesterday and dh just ignored it.

But this made her presume that we were going and is angry that we are seeing family today instead!

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss sorry but that's bollocks! So it's ok for her to take time away from my dh and my child because she has a new bff (who is the 6th man dss has been introduced too in the last 3 years!) yet she has the right to now say we don't do the routine we've had for years which we all love?!

So very little one to one time then Or plenty of normal family life with the odd day out, from the sound of it.

It still sounds like the ex trying to police how the DH spends his time, when it is not her place to do so.

Er thats not his fault the ex has taken visitiation away-she cant demand what he does on his days full stop

Your weekends sound lovely. I'm close with my cousins as an adult, because we spent a lot of time together as kids. Though I agree that it's a control thing, your DSS is old enough to occasionally be given a choice about how he spends his weekend time with you. If something is happening on a Sunday that might interest him, you could give him a choice of doing that or going to his Grans. But his Mum can't dictate what the alternative could be.

You only want people to agree with you so I'm not sure why you bothered posting.
He's seeing his son 2 days out of 14 and palming him off to play with cousins at his mums one of those days. I'd be thinking god why can't he do something with him and spend 1-2-1 time with him and just doing that on the Saturday with you often going along isn't enough. Maybe she's constantly posting as she thinks he doesn't bother finding out about these things and just goes round his mums. I'm sure some likes it, my kids like sitting at the park, doesn't mean I'd be happy with them just constantly being dumped at the park as it's easy.
Yes she's wrong to remove visits however we only have your side, I wouldn't allow visits after school mid week if they were making him tired, and maybe she took away every weekend as she didn't think the dad was making any effort with him, your side isn't the whole story but you only want people to agree with you.

@HiJenny35 we stay all day at his mums and have a massive roast dinner with all my in-laws and all the kids. We spend time TOGETHER. How exactly are we palming him off???? Dh is still looking after him! We don't leave!

Yes I know it’s not your dss dad’s fault contact time is limited. As that’s the case though there needs to be one on one time.

I'm a resident parent. Their dad has chosen to not be in their life more than a couple of visits a year. For the last 8 years I can count on my fingers the number of times I've had 1:1 time with my kids individually.

How many non-separated families spend 1:1 time with each parent??

Op your weekends with dss sound perfect. Time with just the 4 of you doing whatever on a Saturday, fun with extended family on Sunday.

Tell the ex thanks for the suggestions but to keep her nose out. What dad does with dss on his time is none of her business. Then get wheels in motion to reinstate at least the midweek contact. Non negotiable.

Once they start school, it’s common to have a weekend each otherwise the resident parent doesn’t get any days off with them to do days out etc. After school contact only works if both parents remain living close to each other which many do to ensure decent contact with both parents.

Maybe I am reading this wrong but the OP says that her DH and DSS go off together on a Saturday. Sometimes she goes along with the baby and sometimes she stays at home with the baby and they go off just the two of them. Sounds like good quality 1 to 1 time together to me.

Sunday sounds lovely. All the family having fun together and the Nana being able to be part of it. I am another one who thinks kids don’t need to be managed every hour of the day. Just relaxing and having fun with family makes just as many memories as attending non stop events.

My teenage DC miss out on a lot of activities that interest them and would help their future career because their dad wont take them. I have bought the annual memberships (multiple activities) and have offered them (where appropriate) to my ex to use. My DC are now old enough to be starting to voice what they want to do. But my ex sees contact as being about parity between adults (and avoidance of paying maintenance) rather than putting DC's interests first. That is controlling - preventing DC from doing things because I happen to have been the adult to find out about them and get DC interested. All those saying that mum should do them on her weekend dont seem to understand that activity timings dont follow a contact schedule.

Your DSS is still very young and quite rightly the adults do need to make the decisions on his behalf. I think mid-week contact would be a good way to help strengthen the relationship between DSS and his dad. Hope things improve.

I wouldn’t like to be told how to spend limited time with my child either and I think you’re perfectly in the right to say to her - thanks for the links but we already have plans for the weekend but if anything changes we’ll consider it - and leave it like that.

Bloody car shows! DH is into cars but one every 5 years is about enough!!

She is being selfish and unreasonable and trying to stir things between DSS and you and DH. You seem to have good plans in place for him.

It's so sad that so many people seem to think visiting family is such a low priority whereas going to some event is so much better . OP, I get where you are coming from as my DH has an ex who loves to try to influence what happens in "our time". Some women just cannot let go or bear to see their partner moving on . He is right to ignore a last minute message like this .

I think the Ex does not want her 5 year old playing out on the street.

Some parents don’t want their child doing that for various reasons and he is only 5.

He is probably badgering her to play out at home.

As she's refused mediation sounds like hours to court may be necessary to stop her eroding the time you have DSS

One-to-one time is possible in the house, or am I missing something? I'm sure there are plenty of occasions where OP is busy with the baby and her husband is busy with his son, playing a game, watching a film, building Lego etc.

Is it not just as important for OP's stepson to feel a part of their family; to have time building bonds with his sibling and OP as well as his dad?

As someone else said if the OP's husband was taking the little boy out every time he saw him he'd be accused of being a Disney Dad, having all the fun and leaving the day-to-day drudge solely to the ex. I'd say the way OP and her husband are doing things is a much better way for the child; it's far more balanced, a mix of days out, time a home and lots of family time.

Also those criticising the OP's husband for his lack of one-to-one, he's asked for more time with his son to enable this and been refused. If this was such an issue to the ex then why won't she allow him to take their son for tea once a week?

How many non-separated families spend 1:1 time with each parent??

You could not have spoken a truer word stronger

I'm sure she'd be annoyed if he sent links for suggested activities. Family time is the most precious! My ds adores seeing his grandparents. We take him to lots of fun places but his highlight is always something like reading a book with nana or eating a marmalade sandwich with grandad

@hettypop you could scream about how your DH and DSS spend one on one time together till you're blue in the face, you could be Mary frigging Poppins, but this is Mumsnet, you are a Stepmum and therefore you will never be right

Ex sounds god awful cutting contact like she has and now trying to dictate what DH & DSS do together. Ridiculous.
Introducing DSS to 6 different men in 3 years is disgusting, of course she should have a life but surely she should wait till they're long term or until she's sure about them before letting them I to DSS's life.

You have said several times 'Sunday is family day' which is what made it sound like every single Sunday. What do you do on the alternate Sundays when not at his nana's?

If you all love the current set up, that's great, but are you open to changing it if that changes? For instance, my DS does lots of sport which is scheduled on Sundays - if your DSS wanted to do that, would you change your schedule to support it?

If it’s such an issue why not go to court and get a formal arrangement

You have said several times 'Sunday is family day' which is what made it sound like every single Sunday. What do you do on the alternate Sundays when not at his nana's?

RTFT! The OP only has him EOW! The other weekend he’s with his mum and her boyfriend.

I have read the full thread and it sounds like OP and her DH are including dss in family life really well. Ex obviously has other ideas as to how this time should be spent. As dss gets older no doubt he will have his ideas too. I think OP is nbu.

@hettypop
Your DHs ex is being very controlling. She cannot make any demands on what her DS does when he is with his father. He isn't doing anything negative with his son! In fact, it sounds like an ideal set up apart from the fact that she has reduced contact time.
I'd be going to court to have this contact reinstated, and just ignore her digs at where your DH should be taking his son.