Ex keeps asking dh to take dss on days out...

[hettypop]

It's becoming a thing where dhs ex is messaging dhs links to days out and asking if we can take him because she wants him to go. Is this unreasonable? It's dhs time and she is trying to dictate what he does with his son.

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

We always have plans to see family or friends and never take dss to these events. Today she is angry at dh because she sent him a link that she wanted dss to go it. In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him. She sent this message yesterday and dh just ignored it.

But this made her presume that we were going and is angry that we are seeing family today instead!

You're not doing anything wrong, OP.

I suspect your DSS's mum is jealous, frankly, that you have family Sundays and DSS is happy to play with his 6 cousins. He's not deprived, he's lucky. He also gets Saturdays to do things with his dad.

If she wants her DSS to go to special events, she can take him on her time with him, especially since she has more of it with him. She doesn't get to dictate what he does on his dad's time like this.

I think the standing arrangement to go EOW without fail is problematic because there will be things that any if the kids might want to do on that day that they can't do on any other.

I think the mother/ex is possibly in the best place to decide if an event is likely one of those things or not.

This sort of thing comes up with my SD. Especially as she's got older. Sometimes something she really wants to do comes up during time she's with us and we have to adjust plans to accommodate that. We don't always have the ideal amount of notice because at least half of her life is with her mum. And we do really well in terms of everyone being on good terms and in contact with each other. Just... things get forgotten and stuff like that. It's a downside of blended families for sure.

The number of events that are "one day only" are few and far between. Ex can take him on her time if so important.

Why would her dad taking dss be any better than her taking dss either way son misses out on time with dad. She seems very unreasonable.

I would reply "thanks for suggestion" and nothing else every time then do what suits you. If she complains don't engage with her on it.

@hettypop I did indeed read the OP and it does sound boring for the boy. Every Sunday he is with his dad he is doing the exact same thing. Lots of cousins there too. I'm sure he'd much prefer a day out one to one with his dad.

Hmm. I'm in two minds over this one- as I'm the ex in this scenario and get accused of interfering and trying to control my kids time with their dad an awful lot.

I don't actually- but do create merry hell if there is a problem at his house, on his time, that he point blank refuses to acknowledge or deal with. Then I do stick my oar in on my children's behalf as their father is not bloody listening to them despite them trying to tell him.

I don't do it over things like days out or whatever, I reserve 'interfering' for actual serious stuff, but you may want to take into consideration that DSS is not enjoying these trips to nana's or whatever as much as you think/ you're not listening/ he tells you for not wanting to hurt feelings. Not saying you have to keep him entertained on a thrill a minute every weekend, but this might be his mother trying to tell you something her son has told her.

Same goes for the reduced contact, but I'd keep yourself well out of it, it really does have to come from your husband.

OR he could be telling his mother what he thinks she wants to hear.

YANBU - If it was something special as a one off then fair enough but not generic days out just because.

@Greggers2017 the OP has already said dss gets that on the Saturday. She stated that they do days out etc on the Saturday, see family on the Sunday.

I dont understand this site sometimes. If a dad does nothing but days out they are called a Disney dad. If a dad enables a relationship with their family, it's boring? How is a houseful of cousins and being part of a loving family boring?

On mumsnet the ex wife is never a controlling or difficult woman! Any normal mother would be happy that her child was spending regular quality time with his cousins and nana who all love and care for him so much.

You are doing nothing wrong but it sounds like your DH needs to go back to court to stop her interference.

What was the contact before it was reduced? Sounds like you have EOW now, did she want some weekends too? If so that's not unreasonable, she shouldn't be telling your partner what to do in his time though, extended family time with all the cousins etc sounds lovely.

Does he not see his son during the week too for an evening to have one on one time? EOW really isn't much for the child to see the non-resident parent.

As I've said, dss is extremely happy and always excited to go to his nanas so it isn't that! He never wants to leave - we usually stay and give him a bath there and pjs on ready to drop him back with his mum. His nana always goes out on Saturdays and gets each grandchild a comic (they are all similar ages, it's great) and all the kids get so excited about which comic they get that week. It's absolutely nothing to do with he doesn't want to be there.

I will say that the ex and my MIL never got on and that could be an under lying issue but they split a long time ago so i can't see why she still has an issue.

Family is everything to dh, he grew up without his dad and is extremely close to his mum and siblings - one of the reasons why I married him. His mum is now disabled and it has reduced the quality of her life massively, at some point it will become life threatening so it's everything to dh to make sure him and his dcs have as much family time making memories as possible.

For those asking dss is 5. They split up when dss was 2 months old - I've been in his life since he was 11 months old and was NOT the ow before anyone assumes anything.

For me it's just about control.

Carry on as you are OP. It’s not like you never do anything with DSS. He gets days out on Saturdays, there is nothing wrong with keeping Sunday as a family day. It’s only 2 days a month and I bet he loves playing with his cousins and seeing his nan. If his mum wants him to go to events on a Sunday she can do it on her weekends.

Yes it's eow now. It used to be every weekend and every Saturday night through to Sunday the following weekend which was always on her terms as she 'needed a social life' - her words. Now she's met this bloke she's taken the Saturday night/Sunday off dh.

He used to come every Tuesday for tea but again she stopped that when he started school as she said he was going tired which we understood. He lives 45 mins away from us so there is abit of travelling involved.

Dh has tried to ask if he can come and take him out for tea through the night and he does every now and then but since she's met the new bf it's always no.

Family is everything to dh

How much time does he get with his son? Just EOW? Yet he spends one of those days as part of a big group. Does his DS get any one to one time alone with his dad?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss as I've already said, Saturday is for a day out day. They usually go off doing whatever or sometimes I'll come along and bring our baby. Or sometimes we just sit in and do nothing.

Honestly I'd understand it if dss wasn't happy with going to his nanas but he is!! Don't know how many times I need to say it.

You and your DH are doing absolutely nothing wrong!
It sounds like you have great family time together with your dh, dos and all the family...and this is what family is about.
Dss's mum needs to be ignored as she sounds like a complete control freak.
Dh needs to stand his ground and not get into much dialogue with her.
She is probably causing her ds more stress by constantly sticking her nose in your family time.

So many people not reading the thread. It isn't every weekend it's every other weekend.

If the ex wants him to do all these things she can do them on her own weekend. Or maybe you should start sending her helpful suggestions and see how she likes it.

She sounds awful.

Take her to court for more time. Selfish, controlling besom.

dos should says dss flipping autocorrect!

Maybe make GM a once a month thing so DSS has a chance at 1v1 time with his dad on a Sunday. Possibly at an event like his mother suggests.

Resident kids often get 1v1 time with 1 parent.

It’s not about dss not liking going to his nanas it’s how much quality time he gets with his dad.
When does that happen op?

They usually go off doing whatever or sometimes I'll come along and bring our baby. Or sometimes we just sit in and do nothing

So very little one to one time then. Maybe that’s why she sends the suggestions as a gentle hint that staying in doing nothing followed by a family visit that’s always the same.

It’s likely he can be more honest with his mum as she does the bulk of the caring.

ffs whats wrong with visiting gran and cousins i used to do it every weekend never moaned it was fun

cant expect to pay out for trip his ex wants him to do every week

@GabsAlot but did you only see your dad two days out of 14?

@MyDcAreMarvel as much as it can now she took the time away!!