In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

[bishp01]

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

OP, you are totally within your rights to have no randoms staying in your home.

And of course she can move out if she feels strongly. If she's in uni then she'd get student loan, if not then she would have to work full time and in both instances probably have to live somewhere much less nice and still have less spends. If she chooses to live at home cos it is far cheaper then she has to accept there will be some rules. And no ONS is a perfectly reasonable one - especially with a younger sibling in the house!

I can perfectly understand not wanting to hear your child in the throes of passion, that's why it would make sense to ban sleepovers with partners. What doesn't make sense to me is deciding who it is okay for you to hear her having sex with if that makes sense. So by saying boyfriends but not ONS or FWBs, you'll saying who it is appropriate for her to be intimate with and who it isn't.

I don't see the big deal really, it's your house. Beinging home hookups is hardly nice for anyone else that lives in it. I too would be concerned about what the individual she's 'dating' is like and wouldn't actively encourage it because I would want more for her, but realistically OP if it's been going on/off that long it's hardly likely to be the first time she's slept in a bed with him.

If you want her to be independent though OP, she is 20, and texting her mum to tidy her room and turn down the bed so she can impress a boy. That's not ideal. I wouldn't have asked my mum to do that at 20 (or even 18), and didn't even live at home at either age. It's not a hotel and I'd be trying to impress upon her that he doesn't sound a catch. That age and not able to arrange your own transport home to the point you need another adults mum to help you out? You'd run a mile wouldn't you it's embarrassing. He should be going out of his way to impress her too, not trying to skip on peoples mums sofas for a shag because it's on offer and he has no other place to go (though I don't get why he can't walk or pay his own taxi, or call his own parents if he too, still lives at home)

It's your home and your rules. As a parent you are the head of the household

I'm struck by the fact that he's 29 and his mum is picking him up from the pub ! Sounds like he's been dicking her around and you stepped in to say not in your house. Fair enough, sounds like he's not interested and she's overly keen, I'd have done the same Op. I know she's 21 and free to make her own choices but who wants to watch their child , whatever age, expose themselves to heartache.

I don't even think that it's anything to do with how he treats her, I don't want random adults sleeping in my house.

Your daughter will thank you for this one day.
I think she needs to hear some of your very wise word/reasoning you've said on here.

I think I was misunderstand by one of you earlier when I asked about boys. Just to reiterate - I was not saying I would feel different if I was talking about my child being a boy. I was merely interested if that was other people's opinions - if they thought it was different because they were mothers of boys. I don't think it's different at all. I don't believe in different standards. But I wondered if other people were (unconsciously) operating on that double standard themselves. And I do actually have a son - but not of an age to be going out yet. So this situation will no doubt arise in the near future but the rules will be the same. Then of course - you have the double standard when you have 2 children. The eldest always gets the strict rules and the second one gets them relaxed. That's not fair - but I know it happens. It's hard work being a parent that's for sure - trying to get the balance between saying - yes you're an adult so you can do whatever you want wherever you want - and then at the same time, trying to give them guidance too. We wouldn't allow them to jump of a roof on the basis that they're an adult and can do what they want. And I mean - if your child suddenly said that they were going to knock a wall out of their bedroom and install a lift or french doors etc (bit of an extreme example I know but..), then we would think we had the right to say what was happening to our own home - that we paid for. Of course she has a say - it's her home for as long as she wants it to be and she definitely gets a say in what happens in it. But I'm also entitled to that opinion too?

So by saying boyfriends but not ONS or FWBs, you'll saying who it is appropriate for her to be intimate with and who it isn't.

And your point is ...?

Her house, her rules.
Rules, btw, which DD has agreed to.
DD has also THANKED her mother for preventing this happening previously with same bloke when DD was a little pissed ... OP is being consistent.

I think that a PP’s question as to whether any of us would bring an ONS back to our own parents’ house is interesting. How many threads do we even see on here suggesting that a sibling or cousin or other relative hasn’t been with their partner long and really shouldn’t be inviting them to family events/wanting them to come and stay with them at this point, and yet people are advocating a young girl brings back her wannabe shag for the night?

FWIW OP I have a ds and the hell would I agree to that either. But I do have a friend who says that her parents never allowed her to have boyfriends stay over but her brothers were. Equally however my eXH’s gf wasn’t allowed to share a room with him and neither was I until we’d been together for nearly two years, but my SIL was allowed her bf to stay more or less as soon as they got together at seventeen. In fact I could once hear them having sex upstairs while we were downstairs and if I could hear it, ILs most certainly would have been able to as well....

Perhaps you didn't have access to the basic history of women in your educational years and that's a great shame, but you don't get to deny facts such as those without seeming like you're very ignorant and uneducated.

I actually did joint hons in English and history + a postgrad, but thanks for your concern.

Presenting notions from the internet is not history.

The historical issue of virginity in women and the policing of female behaviour is far, far more complex than you seem remotely aware of.

I think it is weird and creepy to dictate who your kids have sex with at 20 years old. I think it would be better to strongly discourage sex in your home than decide who it is okay for them to have sex with.

It just creeps me out big time.

I don't get the people who are totally fine with their kids bringing people over to shag. Grim.

An actual bf/gf who I'd met, fine but otherwise, no thanks.

I wouldn't have been interested in having people over to shag either. With my parents next door?

Not only is it completely disgusting to think about my parents potentially hearing me having sex but it just seems totally disrespectful. For that reason (wanting independence), I moved out as soon as I could.

I don't know any friends whose parents would have let them have a boy in their room.

@bishp01 you really need to take a step back. The thousand word essays on your daughter’s life are beyond ridiculous. How on earth do you know so much about her thoughts, feelings, sex life and everything else? She’s an adult and you are her mother and it’s time to let go. Honestly your posts border on creepy.

“My house, my rules” is a perfectly adequate statement. It doesn’t need all the analysis, angst, wailing and gnashing of teeth. Your home doesn’t have to be a doss house for randoms. As for texting to ask you to tidy her room, how did you even arrive at a situation where she would think that was an acceptable thing to ask?! 🤦‍♀️

There's no way I would ever say to my DD that she couldn't have someone to stay over - but then tell my DS that he could. Same rules. I was just interested if the people who said I was being prudish were mothers of sons so were sort of applying double standards if that makes sense. I'll be honest - I don't want to particularly hear her with anyone in the bedroom next to me - ONS or boyfriend. But I'm realistic and I don't expect her to never bring a boyfriend home - I may not be comfortable with it, but that's just something I've got to get over. But I think that acknowledging I'm not comfortable with it - but still saying it can happen, shows that I'm willing to adjust and to adapt to the situation. The only caveat being that I don't want it to be a ONS. I'm not living in the victorian age - I get that, but I think that you can still have some rules. Doesn't everyone have a line that they draw at some point? I sometimes think that all prospective parents should have a year training before being allowed to have children - spending 3 months on the toddler stage, 3 months on the tweenie stage and then 6 months on the young adult stage! Or if you had a manual you could refer to. How many of us make the wrong decisions - but out of the best intentions?

@hazandduck - I think l love you

I think you are completely correct not to allow your 21-year-old daughter to have casual sex in your home. Nothing will happen my arse.

The fact that you know this particular "hookup" doesn't treat her very well is another point in your favour.

So as it turned out, his mum came and picked him up...

He couldn’t stay out after 10.30pm because his mum wouldn't come and pick him up? He's 29! I would be cringing way to hard to even kiss him.

I was thinking you shouldn’t be calling a 29 year old man a 'boy', but not after that revelation.

I think it's understandable that you don't want your dd being disrespected in your home. Why would you facilitate that? It's up to her what she does elsewhere but you don't have to be complicit in an unhealthy relationship in your own home.

That's exactly it Kewl - that's exactly what I'm trying to say. I don't want to dictate who she is doing it with - I want to say not in my house while I'm next door.

Well I dont have daughters, only sons, but when the time comes it will be steady girl(or boy) friends only for sharing a room. If they want casual sex they can find another location, in which to indulge. If that's "policing their sex life" I couldn't care less.

I'd have let him.stau in her room, she is an adult and has to he allowed to make her own choices. But if she's to be treated like an adult she has to behave like one. So I absolutely would not tidy her room or change her sheets. That is her responsibility.

@messolini9 spot on

I am sorry for the thousand word essays as pointed out above. I didn't mean to do that - and I didn't really think i was commenting on her thoughts or feelings etc. I'd just said that we had a pretty good relationship (the majority of the time - which is probably the same for most mothers and daughters). I was just trying to reply to some of the questions posed and to be honest, it was interesting just trying to get other people's take on it. So hence probably myself talking too much - but it is good to hear from other parents. So apologies again for the lengthy essay!

Oh YABVVU.

For a start you have said (and repeated, about 5 times) how he only lives 5 minutes away. So clearly, they came home wanting to have sex. The stuff about no taxis was a ruse. But there you are, wide eyed and innocent, saying "It's no bother! I'll drive you home! It's only 5 minutes!"

You know exactly what you were doing when you said that and it wasn't doing this bloke a nice favour, you were deliberately frustrating your daughter, and you know you were, but you pretend on here, repeatedly, that it was all a nice favour.