In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

[bishp01]

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

What complete nonsense Kewl

I wasoing to say YABU - she's an adult. I let mine have friends of either sex stay with them in their rooms from about 16/17 - although sprae room always avilable should that be the guest's choice too)

But I have a DD and if she had been treated as your DD has been by this man I certainly wouldn't want him in my house, he sounds awful.
It's sounds as if he couldn't get a taxi, your DD offered him a bed becase she wants a relationship where there is none. And he accepted because it ws convenient and he fancied a bit of casual sex. It's pretty obvious fomr the situation your describe that your DD is very much more invested in him than he is in her and that inevitably means she is going to get hurt.

You can't stop her sleeping with him, and I'm sure you don't think you should be able to. But you are allowed not to facilitate it in your home and let her know that you don't like the way she is being treated.
That might make her mad with you - but your feelings are valid too. And you have every right to say you think he's a chancer who is using her (and I agree with you)

What you rather your adult child does with their genitals is sort of irrelevant though, surely?

Oh I don't know, I just see people's children as autonomous humans with their own goals,desires,rights and flaws. I find it creepy when parents are happy to interfere or obstruct them based on their own views.

@Tatiana

It's called history. The OP asked if those of us against her actions were the mums of boys because she felt that she wouldn't be all that bothered if her daughter was male. I'm explaining the historical reasons why we are more concerned about who our daughters' fuck over our sons'.

I wouldn't be tidying her bedroom so he could shag her when hes using her and treating her badly. If she wants to shag him that would be her decision but I wouldn't be helping her out when I'd seen her upset.
I wouldn't want him in the house either. If he was a decent friend then I have no problem with him staying.

If she’s not a child, then OP is treating her like an adult. If we visited our parents would we bring a possible one night stand?

We wouldn’t. Because a parents house is not a hotel. Until we move out, we shouldn’t treat it like a hotel.

Come on @bishp01 stop being such a prude

But I don't think this IS prudishness.
I think it's a dislike of DD's disrespectful & flakey friend.
(& of being instructed to change the bedlinen for one's own DD's tryst ... euuuw).

There is definitely an element of weirdness in policing who DD may or may not sleep with age 20. But I'm not sure I wouldn't have reacted similarly: she has been incredibly upset because he has let her down time and time again. He doesn't want to take her out anywhere - they have literally had 2 dates in 8 months - which of us wouldn't feel protective of our DD's, knowing that?

Of course it would be better to have a hard & fast expectation about what constitutes a male candidate eligible for a. 'upstairs' sleepover, & OP may have to deal with some fallout from DD over the recent embarrassment. But honestly ... which of us, so much more experienced than our daughters, having spotted this bloke as a serial letter-down, upsetter & stringer-along, would not JUMP at the chance to fuck him off before he destroyed our girl's self-esteem?

It's not about prudery or shame.

It's more about not bringing home hook-ups when you're living in a family home.

I'm sure OP doesn't bring home ONS dudes. It's grim.

"He had arranged a lift home, then altered it to stay out a bit later. Then she wanted him to stay later and he said he couldn't as he could change the pick up time again - that's when she made the offer for him to stay."

She needs to listen to him when he says no!

" he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older"

She isn't though-he seems to be treating her badly & she's just begging for more like a lovesick teen!

I'd be more interested in why my daughter felt she had to chase the guy if that's what is going on.

But I also wouldn't assume that my daughter is definitely smitten with him and wants things to be different.

A friend had a massive go at her daughter's friend with benefits about using her for sex and not committing. He had to tell her with her daughter's awkward support that actually it was her who didn't want more than what they had and he actually wouldn't mind giving it a shot.

She just assumed that her daughter would never be intimate with someone she wasn't in love with and why? Because her mum had a lot of sex over her time which she only did to get people to love or commit to her. She was projecting this onto her daughter.

OP not a mum of boys. Mum of a daughter. Why is it different for boys?

I think you have done the right thing OP.

When my kids are older I will have the same rules, boyfriends/girlfriends they've been in a relationship with for a while can stay over, but ONS, absolutely not. This is partly because I worry about them getting hurt but also because I don't want random people in my house. I have a son and a daughter and rules will be the same for both.

In the sutuation you describe, this man has made no effort with your daughter and she has been upset by his actions before. Theres no way I'm being a part of letting a man like that potentially leave my daughter upset when he probably doesn't want a relationship with her and she sounds like she really likes him. It's setting her up to be hurt and that goes against what I'm here to do as a mum.

Haven’t RTFT but if she was that desperate to sleep over with him, why didn’t she just go to his house? If he’s 29/30 then surely he has his own place.

And if it’s a 5min drive it can’t be that far a walk.

I think YANBU at all OP but your DD needs to learn to be a bit more creative if she wants to get laid, not asking you to change her sheets boak

A friend had a massive go at her daughter's friend with benefits about using her for sex and not committing. He had to tell her with her daughter's awkward support that actually it was her who didn't want more than what they had and he actually wouldn't mind giving it a shot.

So...a completely different situation. The exact opposite to OP's daughter in fact.

Yabu. You are treating her like a child.

Disagree. Children get their bedlinen changed by mummy. This mummy refused!

Suppose DD were a flatmate & friend.
That you'd already seen her go through angst with Bloke.
That you & all her mates have been telling her he's bad news because he will always let her down.
That she's been through the rejection pain, & come out the other side.
That you've persuaded her NOT to have him sleeping over once when she was drunk, & next morning she thanked you & told you she didn't know what she'd been thinking of ...
Then she rings you, saying yippee, change my sheets, Bloke is coming back to ours.
That again she's a bit drunk.
That you know Bloke will STILL never take her out, has only done so twice in 8 months, is nearly 30 & perfectly capable of getting home, & is definitely gonna upset your flatmate again.

You'd try & talk her out of it again, wouldnt you?
Not because your flatmate is a child. Because she's a FRIEND, & good women look out for each other.

It's called history

It’s called nonsense kewl

"Yabu. You are treating her like a child."

She's behaving like one!

It sounds like your DD might be the OW, no YANBU and she shouldn't have asked you to clean and tidy, it does show her immaturity

This guy is not remotely interested in her and she's offering it up on a plate (and asking you to help!) to try and get him interested. I don't blame you for not allowing it. If she wants to live like at she needs her own place at this point.

She won't have you to intervene everytime you feel she is going to get hurt, she needs to learn this on her own.

We don't learn this stuff in isolation.
We learn it through emulation, advice, friends & family.
DD's friends have all been telling her to forget about this bloke, because he's no good for her.
OP is simply doing the same as those good friends.

And at least this incident has opened the door to an honest discussion of how DD & OP are going to agree the issue going forward. Sure - DD has to learn, & she has to make her own mistakes. But that's no reason to throw her to the wolves before she's had a chance to arm herself fully against them. This bloke has already hurt & upset her - DD had got past that but kind of 'regressed' - it's also enlightening to remember that LAST time OP prevented this SAME bloke sleeping upstairs, DD thanked her the next morning, saying she didn't know what she'd beeen thinking of!

@Tatiana

No, it's history. Perhaps you didn't have access to the basic history of women in your educational years and that's a great shame, but you don't get to deny facts such as those without seeming like you're very ignorant and uneducated.

How about instead of dumbly repeating your stupidity where other people might catch it, pick up a book and read something for a change.

Start here: www.google.com/search?q=women.virginity+and+value&oq=women.virginity+and+value&aqs=chrome..69i57.6286j0j9&client=ms-android-samsung-gj-rev1&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

Seriously can't stand people who argue Trump style with facts.

I don't really want to hear it - whoever it is with. And it's not about me placing a value on her - it's about her placing a value on herself. And of course that is up to her - I can only advise. She has to make that decision herself. If she wants to have a one night stand that's totally within her right - but isn't it within my right to say that it can't be in her bedroom next door to mine? I don't place more value on a girl's virginity than a boy's at all - and she is most definitely not my property. I want her to belong to herself and no one else. I want her to be independent and not have to depend on anyone else for money etc. But at the same time, I think I'm also entitled to my own feelings and as much as I want to accommodate her wishes, if there is one thing that makes you uncomfortable - then is it a lot to say no to that? She is quite accepting that other parents would have that rule.

and that's a great shame, but you don't get to deny facts such as those without seeming like you're very ignorant and uneducated

You're very keen to put everyone else in their place. You even use your posting name to show how much smarter you are than everyone else.

Just to add, the fact that she asked you to tidy her room and change her sheets shows how desperate she is to be with this man and how carried away she got. I think most people would be embarrassed to ask their mum this under these circumstances. She sounds like she's infatuated with him and he's not really arsed. Even more reason for you to not enable this to happen as she's going to get hurt.

If my bedroom was next door to my parents room, I'd have sex in the living room. So when I asked for 2 quilts to I could stay downstairs with Platonic Pete,there would be little doubt that I'll be sat on his face by midnight.