In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

[bishp01]

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

[GoodEnough1]

of course YANBU! He doesn't respect her and by allowing that scenario you would be indicating to him that you are OK with him not respecting her. He doesn't need your encouragement to treat her badly. Even he realises that which is why he also questioned the arrangement. The mumsnet view seems to be that sex is not anything special, that's crazy in my opinion, not to mention dangerous.

[Glitterfisher]

If you had the rule that no men stay over then that is up to you (personally it wouldn't be what I would do) but YA so U to dictate who can she can have to stay over. I am just so surprised on MN lately how people treat their adult/older teen DCs like young teens.

[OohthatlovelyNigelfromBabyClub]

I'm 31 and a 29 year old with a 21 year old is (not envy)
I'd be shooing him away, but I've got 20 years to worry about it, thankfully.

[whattodowith]

YANBU. She’s an adult but she is living in your home so your rules still apply.

[Bambini12]

YABU she's an adult.

She is BU asking you to tidy her bedroom though!

[Teaandcake1000]

You are upset as he treat her badly and it’s natural to protect her.

She sounds young for 20 and so if I were you I’d make a
Rule of no men in her room.

Maybe what you really need to to talk to her about what this man is really interested in and why he’s not worthy of her if he can’t show her respect.

Her asking you to change sheets makes me think the adult / child / parent dynamic is a bit co fused or having a muddled transition.

I’d never have asked my parent to change bed sheet because man I fancied was coming to stay!

Maybe a big chat, establish some
Guidelines / house rules and show her she needs to be respected before physical relationships start
This guy sounds like a twat.

[Vynalbob]

You were right. She put you on the spot purposely. Like one of my ds bringing a kid to my car and asking can they stop for tea.
You want pre warning for things like this to lessen embarrassing moments both ways

[gill1960]

So many women on here confusing lust and love and saying no to lust.

I've always said yes to both and taught my daughters the same.

I am a proud feminist who knows what I want in bed ... or outside of it.

I choose my lovers with care and never fall for the bullshit of men. I've been doing this since I was 16. You should teach your daughters that lust and love are both wonderful ... and not teach them to fall for being in a relationship before sex.

Women today are fucked up by ancient morals used by men to control us.
Break free and have fun !!

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

It’s tricky - at first I thought YABU - but, he is 9 years older than her and doesn’t seem that into her - do you really want to facilitate a drunken shag?
I think a text saying because we’ve just got back, house in a tip, early plans in morning may have ‘saved face’
On the other hand, my daughter who is 19 has her not-boyfriend boyfriend to sleep over whenever she likes, she just texts and says X is staying over. They are def friends with benefits but he’s a lovely boy of the same age.
I probably would have said yes, I would have scanned her room for anything embarrassing like dirty underwear on the floor etc but I wouldn’t change the sheets.
She must have felt daft at 21 having to say “my mum says no” but then I am a bit liberal with mine. I remember my bf used to sleep in our sofa - I was 19 and we once genuinely fell asleep on my bed watching a movie, I didn’t bother to move him when I woke at 2am. My mother wouldn’t speak to me the next morning!!!!

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

I don’t have a problem with my kids sleeping with lots of partners - keeping it safe. But I wouldn’t want them to get hurt emotionally by a man and then make that decision when drunk. Sounds like she needs to move out.

[Freefaller86]

You are being completely unreasonable.

At nearly 21 years of age she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions and I think you seem to have some idea that she’s a lot more naive than she actually is.

Let her have her sex in a safe place. This whole thing about no sex in my house blah blah blah is ridiculous. What she does in her room has no impact on you

[Pawsandnoses]

gill1960

Lust is absolutely fine as far as I'm concerned. ONS/FWB are fine as long as both parties are in the same place emotionally. When one is in love (or possibly a little obsessed) and the other sees it as a bit of fun, then there's a problem.

[Palma1]

Your house, your rules, simple.

[Letstalkabout6]

Think you where totally right OP. Just to play devils advocate maybe the fact your daughter is chasing this man, is off putting for him. He’s promised her nothing and says things to get her off his back. So maybe he’s not actually treating her badly it’s all in her mind that he’s made firm arrangements. Tbf on the night in question she turned up to the pub having not been invited by him. Also why everybody’s getting on your back I don’t know as A) you’re husband didn’t want him to stay, and his parents whom he lives with doesn’t allow him to have women stay over. All in all your daughter needs to look at herself and find somebody who wants to be with her and will make her happy.

[Mothership4two]

A lot of posters seem to be missing the point in not allowing OP's daughter to have casual sex. It is not about being prudish or treating an adult dc like a child, it is about the parent (and maybe younger dc's) being comfortable and safe in their own home.

Some posters have said they don't want adult dc's to go and have sex somewhere dodgy. Well as adults that's their choice.

My parents wouldn't allow my bf to stay over when I moved back home for a year aged 21. So we stayed with friends or went away for weekends or camped and we were low earners at the time. We didn't end up having sex in some dodgy back alley!

[StarlightLady]

@gill1960 , I think l love you.

[user1487194234]

She is an adult and I would let her live her life,make her own mistakes

[RedTideBlues]

He is an adult and can't be incapable of managing a 5 minute walk home. I wouldn't allow him across the door step with his track record.
Obviously no respect for your daughter.

[AryaStarkWolf]

YANBU, yes she's an adult but it's your house, it'd be one thing for her to have a boyfriend who you know come and stay over with her but sorry I would not be having her after pub pick ups coming back to my house. If she wants to do that she'd be getting her own place

[gill1960]

Starlightlady ... thanks

[gill1960]

StarlightLady I love you too

[spikeymama]

YANBU. Your daughter sounds a sweetheart as do you. However, he's taking the piss...as is DD asking sheet changing from you. Sounds alot like us. We do all sorts for our teenage girl/boy, yet their parents do fuck all. It's a big fat NO for the bed change He can pop on the sofa with a blanket. Hopefully with an equal thank you from his Mum the next day. Stay strong OP xxd