In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

[bishp01]

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

[Raspberrytruffle]

Um OP yanbu for controlling who comes and goes in your home but dd is as you say practically 21. You do realise your dd will be having sex probably a couple of years unless you are like me waiting until 18 and was more interested in earning a decent wage so I could pay for my beloved horses! Personally I'd of said to your dd he can either stay on the sette or a lift home and tough t#tty if she was embarrassed it's your home, similar situation happend to me at dd same age 20 turning 21 and I had my newish boyfriend of 5 months over, my dad insisted that my dh then was dp sleep only on my bedroom floor with the door ajar! What was hilarious to me was the horse had well and truly bolted I was 15 weeks pregnant by stupidity. I think it was my dads last bit of control over his little girl, anyhow I snook on the floor with my boyfriend and quietly rode him

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

The thing is though. If they’re going to have sex. Making him sleep on the sofa isn’t going to stop them.

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Don't understand why the OP is being unreasonable?
Doesn't matter if the DD was 16, 21 or 40 it's not her house so she shouldn't get to decide the rules, end of.

[NewNewNewNew]

She's obviously desperate to be with him.
He couldn't care less.
You did her a favour.

[bishp01]

She was out with friends a couple of months back, and one of the boys came back because he was locked out. Not a problem, I set up the sofas and both of them slept downstairs. But that wasn't what she wanted. I did ask my husband if he was ok with him stopping on the sofa downstairs (didn't mention that she had asked for him to stay in her room!), and he said there was no need, that I could just run him home. The thing is - it was logical for me to run him home. He lives 5 minutes away. I hadn't been drinking. The only reason she had invited him to stay was because he couldn't get a taxi. I run her friends home all the time, including boys she's been seeing before - so it wouldn't have been anything new. It was more illogical for him to have stayed to be honest. At the end of the day - it is up to her to make mistakes. I am happy to leave her to get on with that. I just felt that I had the right to say it wasn't right for him to stay here when it wasn't necessary.

[jennymanara]

She is an adult it is not your role to judge whether she can share a bed with a man. However it is also not appropriate for you to change her sheets and clean up her room.

[3dogs2cats]

I think you did the right thing. Agreeing and changing the sheets would be like pimping out your own child. She’s only 20; and drunk, she likes this guy and he is much older and clearly prepared to take advantage. Bleurgh.

[bishp01]

My parents were really strict and old fashioned in that respect, so i do try to be easier and more relaxed. In fact when we bought our first house, my husband and I weren't married. We moved again, and then got married. Then we moved to our house that we're in now but it needed total redecoration, so we had to live with my parents for a few months. My mum said that if we hadn't been married then we would have had to stay in separate rooms. We were 27 at this point and had been living together for 4 years. So I do realise how ridiculous it can be to say stuff like that. But at the same time, I also think it's about having respect for people. When i used to stay at my boyfriends parents house on a weekend, I always slept in the spare bedroom - until his mum and dad actually said it was silly us have 2 separate rooms (we were then 23 and just buying our first house). But we just went by what the house rules were.

[Floralnomad]

YANBU , it’s not a case of treating her like a child , it’s a case of the OP , like many parents of adult but still at home children , probably doesn’t want her daughter to think it’s ok just to bring home and expect to share a room with any old random that she happens to meet . Personally I like to know whom I’m going to be bumping into on the landing or kitchen and I wouldn’t allow ONS etc in my house , it’s not a judgement on their sex lives .

[bishp01]

Absolutely not up to me to tell her who she can sleep with and I totally agree with that. And she has stayed over at boy's houses when she knows it's a bad idea. But has always told me about it - and I've always said it doesn't matter what I think, as long as she tells me where she is so I know she's safe - it doesn't matter if I like it or not. But this was asking to bring him home and let him sleep here - only because he couldn't get a taxi home when we could solve that issue easily.

[Weezol]

YANBU. He sounds like an idiot and I wouldn't be doing him any favours. He's nearly 30 years old and he 'can't get home'? A five minute drive is what, a half hour walk?

But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed

I'd be having a word about the above - that's really not on.

[bishp01]

And I'm not stupid. She could have him over at any time when we were out. But how embarrassing he coming to stay over because he can't get a taxi home, when I'm sat there fully sober and able to drive him 5 minutes home. I would also add that he is 29 and lives at home with his parents. But he doesn't take anyone back there.

[IdblowJonSnow]

Yanbu. At all.
She's still your daughter and he sounds like he doesn't even respect her as a friend, in letting her down.
It's your bloody house, I wouldn't want my kids shagging around under my roof even if they were 30! I just wouldn't want to listen to it!
I used to bring blokes home but only if we were in a relationship.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I take the view that my grown up kids can sleep with who they like, but I don’t want strangers sleeping in my house. So people can sleep over once DH and I have had the chance to properly give them the once over.

[Ginmel]

Ynbu at the all op. He's treated her badly and your instinct was right.

I suspect she'll thank you at some point once the alcohol wears off. May take a few years but you've done the right thing

[LemonPrism]

She's 20. Let her live.

[Mothership4two]

I'm with the "it's your house, your rules" poster. It would obviously make OP uncomfortable for him to stay up there. Yes she's an adult but she is also OP's child. And if she is a bit drunk you may be stopping something that she may regret later.

The 'nothing would happen' is just balls.

My ds is at home at the moment and is also 20 and single and we would find it very awkward if he brought home casual girlfriends. I think he feels the same as he never has! We have a family member who did say it was OK for her son from 18 ("better under our roof") and later bitterly regretted it.

[bishp01]

He's not a stranger to us, so we know him - but he also knows that we know about all the times he lets her down. She is always telling him that she tells me about it. So I think he probably thought it was weird her telling him he could stop and I suspect he probably felt really uncomfortable about it himself - but that it was her trying to force the issue. She's come home without him, but there's been a lot of door slamming and throwing things around in her room - which to be honest, we've not had since she was about 12! So I'm putting it down to the fact that she's incredibly embarassed that she had to turn round and rescind the offer, that she's not eaten since this morning so the alcohol has really gone to her head, and that she's exhausted as she only got back at tea time from being away for a few days. But to be honest, I'm a bit taken aback at how angry she is. It's not as if I hadn't actually already pre-warned her not to ask this - she already knew what the answer was likely to be.

[Skittlenommer]

The changing the bed bit is a bit creepy! I’d be having words about that!

20 year old me would have snuck the lad in even if parents had said no!

Has she had a few drinks tonight? She’ll probably thank you for it in the morning if she can face you!

[bishp01]

If they had both come in stumbling drunk at 3 am saying he'd been locked out etc, then I would have happily made up the sofa for him, no problem. But this was asking at 10 pm, could he stay as he couldn't get a taxi - when it was so easy for me to drop him home. To be honest, I would have been very surprised if he had actually wanted to stop. Me and her dad were sat downstairs - not the most conducive to a romantic atmosphere!

[bishp01]

And she said on her text that he was really worried about staying and wanted proof that it was definitely ok. So he clearly was dubious about how appropriate it was.

[Seven78]

What Rumplestrumpet said.

And you are not being unreasonable.

[bishp01]

I just can't get over how angry she is. I thought she would probably argue with me for a bit but then sit down and want to tell me all the gossip - she usually does. But she wouldn't speak to me at all and refused to acknowledge me. As I say - she already knew what the answer was going to be. We'd had this discussion a couple of months ago and she had laughed about it and thanked me the next morning. So I'm at a loss as to why she is so cross. It wasn't an emergency - that would have been a different matter.

[Skittlenommer]

I think she’ll have flushed cheeks tomorrow. I’d be mortified asking my Mum to clean my room and change my bed so a lad could stay over! Blame the booze for poor judgement!

[Aquamarine1029]

She'll get over it. Ignore the tantrum.