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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

322 replies

bishp01 · 18/08/2019 00:09

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 18/08/2019 20:06

What WillLokiReturn said on previous page is very sensible.

SandraOhshair · 18/08/2019 20:19

I'd hate the thought of my DD bringing home a ONS. I'd never have done that when I lived at home as an adult and dont expect my DC to do that either.
I'm with you OP.

Mothership4two · 19/08/2019 00:23

I do wonder if the YABU posters, who say the OP is not treating her like an adult and should have let her come back for sex, have adult children. And as for the comment that the OP is denying her daughter's "needs" - ffs, I am sure she will cope without one drunken and probably ill advised shag!

I think the "my house/my rules" are generally implied and not stated.

My ds just wouldn't bring a ONS back as he knows we wouldn't be happy plus we have a younger ds. Parents also have 'rights'. the right to be comfortable in their own home. He has brought mates back to stay over after nights out but only after asking first and only friends we know already.

You did the right thing OP

Yabbers · 19/08/2019 17:43

I think that when you know someone hasn't treated your child right - and can't be bothered to even take them for a drink - then to say yes, it's fine - just stay over in her bedroom.... it just doesn't feel right.

I would say no because I my house that would be the rule for all. But to say no because you don’t think this guy is treating her right is a judgement and not your place.

DanceItOut · 19/08/2019 17:53

If she's not old enough to tidy her own room and change her own sheets before having a "friend" over then she isn't old enough for you to treat her as an adult who can have whoever she wants over like an adult.

My parents let my boyfriend stay over when I was....probably about eighteen but he was a long term boyfriend who ended up being my husband. Also I was a rent paying adult that tidied my room did my laundry and made my own food.

londonrach · 19/08/2019 17:56

Not looking forward to this stage..looks at toddler daughter. I think you both yabu as shes an adult but yanbu as shes your baby and daughter under your roof. Sorry op but theres no right. Or wrong here!

manicmij · 19/08/2019 18:02

If she wants him to stay and use her bed she can get home, tidy the room and change the bed. Who allows just a male friend to share their bed when there is an alternative downstairs.YANBU

Wehttam · 19/08/2019 18:09

I’m with you on this OP, yes she is old enough to make her own decisions but your house your rules apply.

PolarBearkshire · 19/08/2019 18:10

If he cant even call
Himself a boyfriend then he can walk home

lifeinthedeep · 19/08/2019 18:12

“He’s a bit more adult than her”

They’re both adults. She’s 20 and he’s 29- I really don’t see the issue. It’s not like she’s 14 and he’s 23.

beachysandy81 · 19/08/2019 18:27

If she is still living at home at 21 then she should follow your rules.

I wouldn't be overly keen on random men staying overnight unless they were a long term boyfriend either just for the awkwardness of having people I don't know well in my home all the time.

Flower64 · 19/08/2019 18:30

My 20 year old daughters long term BF is allowed to stay - they're about to move into a house they've bought together in a few weeks. But she wouldn't be allowed to bring a ONS home. Nothing to do with me making her choices for her in relation to who she sees, but more to do with showing me and her younger siblings some respect in terms of not having a parade of people through the bedroom.

Some of the parents saying YABU, imagine if it happened a few different times because you allowed it once - waking up with a different bloke who you don't know in your house - I personally wouldn't feel comfortable at all with that.

Sugarformyhoney · 19/08/2019 18:30

You are both unreasonable. You need to stay out of her sex life, she’s a grown woman. She needs to move out and make her own bed

VeeJayBee · 19/08/2019 18:32

YANBU! You’re just trying to show her what she should rightly expect from a man and sorry but if he is in his 20s then in im sure he could take responsibility to get home, he’s a grown man. What sort of man would be ok to think he can share a room with a girl with her parents in the next room. Might sound old fashioned but when I was young - 20 maybe - I remember my dad telling me how he once gave his last bit of cash to a girl so she could get a cab home then walked miles and miles to get home himself. Ok, I know we should be more vigilant about walking home late at night whether you’re male or female, but Isn’t this how we should be teaching our young girls how to be treated? Why can’t this grown man take a bit of responsibility for getting himself home??

SuperSara · 19/08/2019 18:32

I actually laughed at some of the posts in this thread around 'YABU, she's an adult and can share her bed with whoever she likes'.

You're missing the point that it's OP's house.

If her DD wants to shag every bloke she's ever met, then great! Crack on! Her choice. But she needs to get her own fucking place and do it there.

I don't think I'll ever understand the MN dynamic where offspring are practically treated as babies until they're 25+ in most respects, but at the same time their parents should have no choice about them bringing home whoever they want to shag.

It's bonkers, I tell thee...

Fwaltz · 19/08/2019 18:40

I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking my parents to let a bloke come and stay, nevermind having the cheek to ask that you change the sheets and tidy my room! But then I left home for uni at 18 and never lived at home again.
I can imagine she was absolutely mortified and she will be really cross about it for a while, but she’s nearly 21 - if she doesn’t like it, she should move out and get a place where she makes the rules.

twinklemom · 19/08/2019 18:48

YANBU!

When your daughter is independent, meaning lives her life in her own house she pays for, sleeps in a bed she makes, she can set her own rules on who can stay over for the night in her bed and when. She would be the only person responsible for the decisions she made.

In your situation, you do not have to support this, especially knowing that you are supporting something that is hurting your child - she is always your child no matter how old she is. You do not want to participate in this and that is ok! She may do and may have done it outside your house and there is not much you can do about it, but you do not have to be the enabler of that in your house. When someone asks "Can I?" they know one of the possible answers is "no".

Also, you do have the right to protect her! Someone who was drinking is unable to give consent and make decisions.

Also, their interests do not match. She is emotionally invested and he obviously doesn't care. When people want one night stand, then both parties should be on the same page. This is not the case - your daughter is the vulnerable one. Why not show her you care? Why not show him she has someone who cares?

It is ok to care and she may be thankful to you for that 20 years from now. It is not backwards, it's just common sense.

Whatever you do, show her love.

I hope she regains her self-worth and dumps that guy.

Jaxhog · 19/08/2019 18:50

Your house your rules. If she wants to sleep with casual friends, let her get her own place.

Lilaclady9 · 19/08/2019 18:51

YANBU. No, she's not a child, but whilst she lives under your roof, she lives under your rules.

annawithabanner · 19/08/2019 18:52

I remember my daughter ( who was 18 at the time ) similar scenario- she wanted to sleep with her BF - we had younger children in the house - so I said no - she screamed back I’m 18 I’m entitled to my privacy - I said listen I’m 42 and I still haven’t got mine - so get to the back of the queue !😂😂 She should respect your decision- even if she doesn’t agree with it - he could have slept on the sofa - and treated her to a weekend away , then they could have done what they liked without involving you ...

theendoftheendoftheend · 19/08/2019 18:52

YANBU I wouldn't collude in one of my DC being used by someone

glennamy · 19/08/2019 18:54

Tough one... I understand how you feel... I would've stated that he has to sleep downstairs like the others do, she could've have slept there too. But it comes across to her that you do not trust her, it is much better to have her onside, or you risk being kept in the dark about her sex life when she might really need you! Wait until she has cooled down, explain your reasons and tell her if it happens again you will trust her, she is an adult at 21 albeit living at home. Good luck!

Palaver1 · 19/08/2019 18:56

YANBU
Well done for doing the right thing your daughters precious. You might come across unreasonable but this is what sits right with you.Its your house and I would have done the same.

Barney60 · 19/08/2019 18:57

YANBU, I would NOT let any boyfriend stay over in my daughters bedroom, would kinda feel odd and why should you feel uncomfortable in own home. So if shes an adult and wants to be treated like one let her clean her own room, and if she wants to sleep with a man let her to sleep with him elsewhere, so long as shes being safe! your house your rules!

TwoPencePenny · 19/08/2019 19:03

No one can say YABU because it’s your house and therefore your rules.

However, I think you’ll push her away if you try and interfere too much. She’s 21, she’s going to make mistakes yes, but you need to let her make them.

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