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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

322 replies

bishp01 · 18/08/2019 00:09

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

OP posts:

Kazooboohoo · 18/08/2019 10:58

Now, I was in the same position as your DD. I'd graduated, I was 21, I hadn't arranged a job, my only alternative was to go home til I got a job and could pay rent. And my parents were like you, they behaves as if I was still 14 and at school. It was still "their house, their rules".

That is a completely inappropriate way to behave to a grown adult who has experienced 3 years of relative freedom at university - to suddenly treat them as a child again, to try to manage and manipulate their relationships, to ban them from having sex.

Of course the excuses were the same as we've seen on this thread: "If you want to do as you please, get your own flat and do it there". The only thing I can thank then for is it provided a major incentive to getting a job and a flat of my own that I wouldn't be treated as a child once I did.

I am now completely NC with my parents because as an adult I refuse to be treated and talk down to as if I'm a child.

So OP:
It's not your place to determine who is and isn't a "proper boyfriend"
It's not your place to say this man isn't a "proper" boyfriend because he goes out without her sometimes or lets her down sometimes
It's not your place to police her relationships
It's not your place to stop her from making mistakes before she's made them; she will convince herself no mistakes would ever have happened and all that happened was you stuck your oar in
It's not your place to stop her having sex just because she lives with you. Not even if she wants to have sex under your roof. That is to treat her as a child. It is also to stop her having sex at all because the only place she has available is yours. All the stuff about 'get your own flat if you want to have sex' is obnoxious bullshit.

Stop gatekeeping your daughter's life or you might soon find you no longer have any part in it. "My house my rules" may comfort you and make you feel smug and righteous today but it'll be cold comfort in ten years when you've never met your GC.

Original poster

bishp01 · 18/08/2019 11:00

I think the last think I'm feeling is smug or righteous - that's the whole point. It's not a case of trying to win a battle or a competition. I just thought it was a case of treating people with respect and then expecting respect back. Isn't that one of life's important lessons?

OP posts:

Limt · 18/08/2019 11:04

Kazoo did you ring your mum at late at night and ask her to change your sheets and tidy your room, so that ONS would be impressed.

Duchessofealing · 18/08/2019 11:04

OP, I think you did absolutely the right thing and to those posters saying that she is policing her daughter’s sex life her daughter can move out if she doesn’t like it. Your house your rules and you were consistent. Have a chat over wine when feelings have cooled to go over the boundaries again and I’m sure all will be well.

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 18/08/2019 11:05

Yanbu on any point

Some may say you are being old fashioned but if she wants to have people stay over as she pleases she is old enough to move out and should do so

I thinks it's outrageous she asked you to clean her room and change her sheets! I would never ever have asked my mum to do that at that age!! Or younger!

Original poster

bishp01 · 18/08/2019 11:09

Thank you to everyone for their posts - it really is much appreciated. It's good to get other people's view points genuinely. And it certainly has given me a lot to think about. I don't think there's much more to be said now to be honest, so I probably won't reply to any more now. But thank you again to all the posters, honestly I have valued all the different view points - at the time I was double guessing myself which is never a good thing. But it has given me stuff to think about - so thank you all.

OP posts:

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 11:20

I think the way to not dictate who is by making a blanket rule that partners aren't staying over. That likely means no camping with "friends" in the living room.

messolini9 · 18/08/2019 11:20

I am now completely NC with my parents because as an adult I refuse to be treated and talk down to as if I'm a child

A pretty childish response to someone not wishing you to have sex in their home. "I'll never speak to you again! So there!"

If you were 21 & a lodger in my home, I wouldn't have been allowing you to bring home randoms either. Nothing to do with treating you like a child, everything to do with not wanting strange bods in my home.
A long-term b/f/ or g/f would be a different matter.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/08/2019 11:43

I think you were reasonable actually.

A lot of people are saying she is an adult and to treat her like one. But until a child is a little bit older and completely moved out, there is some of the parent-child dynamic going on (for example parents of adult children who live with them usually pick up a disproportionate share of costs and chores). And phoning you asking to change her sheets and tidy her room is hardly acting like an adult!

This person isn't her bf. I think it's fine to have a rule saying it's fine for partners to stay over but not random one night stands or casual fwbs. I think that's more respectful as no one wants strange people in their house regularly. That isn't the same thing as choosing who she has sex with, it's not like you'd have banned her if she was going to a hotel with him

I dont know many parents that would happily have a man to stay who had been dicking their daughter about, and was about to have sex when she was pissed and mess with her head even more. He is clearly not that into her and its clearly not going to end well for the daughter. Yes she probably needs to realise for herself...but actually facilitating it is different

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 11:49

I think your rules are pretty clear and reasonable OP. That's pretty cool for parents. It is your house and they are respectful rules with an acceptance that if she was in a relationship, it'd be different. It's better /more flexible rules than a lodger would have in an adult houseshare.
I'm also slightly creeped out at the 29 year old man (living at home) who messes her around but wanted to go to his 20 yo friendgirl's house after bumping into her, when she was drunk, for what was clearly a ONS... He sounds shady. Although you can't dictate who she dates, it sounds that you helped her make a better decision last night whilst she was drunk.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 18/08/2019 12:01

When the 30 year bloke was picked up by his mother did your DD go back with them OP? Or does his mother not want randomers using her house and son for casual sex either?

None of my teens (boys or girls) have ever brought a ONS home thinking I would be ok with them shagging in my home, and their siblings home. If they had I would have flatly refused and talked to them about respect for others, including themselves.

Long term relationships fine. Casual sex with randomers in my home, absolutely not!

DontFundHate · 18/08/2019 12:17

Your house your rules but you're treating her like a child and so she's behaving like one. You need to let her grow up

ChristmasFluff · 18/08/2019 12:21

YANBU.

It's totally different having her long-term boyfriend sleep over in your house, but so far as you are concerned, this is even worse than just some random. No-one is obliged to have someone they don't like in their house, and you don't like him.

My Mum didn't let my ex-H sleep in my room when we stayed with them when we were engaged - that's just the way it was, and it wasn't a problem - because I didn't like her rules so I'd moved out at 18. She was unreasonable about lots of things, but actually, not about that, I think. Her home, her comfort is the priority.

SunshineCake · 18/08/2019 12:42

The poster who said your dd is acting childish because you are treating her like a child is being ridiculous.

This man is treating her badly. She really needs a healthy dose of self worth. If he doesn't want her unless she has sex with him then he isn't a decent bloke.

Sandybval · 18/08/2019 12:44

The sofa would have been fine, even though she is 20 she still lives in the family home and itd be disrespectful in my opinion to have him stay in her room.

Binglebong · 18/08/2019 12:52

Ok, I know this sounds stupid but get her to listen to New Rules by dua lipa. On repeat. It's current enough she shouldnt mind too much and the lyrics are very relevant.

You fid the right thing, when she calms down she'll agree. Good luck.

minibroncs · 18/08/2019 13:14

Urgh, so much projection and nastiness on this thread.

Op, you sound measured, reasonable and caring. Unlike many posters who are behaving like dicks or advocating behaving like a dick to your child.

I agree. You sound like a decent parent, acting in your daughter's best interests rather than out of a controlling power trip ("it is MY house, wah wah wah") or letting her down by abdicating your responsibilities towards her just because she's reached legal maturity like too many neglectful "parents".

Fwiw your posts seemed thoughtful and considered. Just because one nasty person arrived bitching about "thousand word essays" to get their little kicks for the day doesn't actually mean what they say has validity.

diddl · 18/08/2019 14:44

"and was about to have sex when she was pissed and mess with her head even more."

Well to be fair to him we don't know that he would have had sex with her.

But I agree that when he's already treated her badly, helping put her in a situation that will probably cause more hurt to her seems best avoided.

EmeraldShamrock · 18/08/2019 14:52

She will understand when the penny clicks he is unreliable, he doesn't put her first and ,likely is in it for sex.
I'd feel the same OP it is one thing to get away with letting her down but I wouldn't want him in my home to sleep with her then let her down again.
If it was a serious BF I'd have no issues with him staying over when DD is over 18.

Bythebeach · 18/08/2019 15:05

It may not be the wisest plan for her to have him in her room but you’ll just alienate her. She’s an adult. Adults have sex even out of relationships 😱 so her choice in her own room.

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 15:20

Well said @minibroncs

As Judge Just says they are barely cooked at 20... Unlike a 29 year old man who ought be.

OP's rules are fair and even handed and about respect for selves in her house. She isn't dictating what her adult DD can do but saying, relationship partners only stay in your bedroom. That's actually quite modern and enlightened.

I bet OPs DD is becoming more grateful today that parents stuck to their reasonable boundaries, as she sobers up (it probably also helped her avoid a bad drunken decision )

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 15:22

*Judge Judy

Carthage · 18/08/2019 19:11

Completely agree with Pictish. Once we become adults, we don't learn from being told not to by our parents, we learn from our own experience.

In my view, our job as parents is to talk things through when invited and pick up the pieces when it goes wrong, as it inevitably will with this man. Being told no is only likely to make him more alluring. Being treated like a child doesn't empower you, it does the opposite.

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 19:25

Don't agree with Carthage, I think most young adults are respectful in their parents homes.
If you look at what OP wrote, you'll see she is letting her adult daughter make her own mistakes but setting clear boundaries about her own family home, that aren't particularly restrictive at all, in fact they are supportive and fairly flexible.

Most adults understand there are boundaries in their career, in their abode, their behaviour in general and in their parents home.
It's not unreasonable to say no ONS randos stay in your bedroom in your parents home. That's entirely responsible and inline entirely with a lodging situ for ADULTS, which would be far more restrictive. It's modelling the real world.

I don't know what world other PPs are living in, but the real world isn't as without rules as others think it is.

toadabode · 18/08/2019 19:30

YANBU. My parents were fairly lax when I was a teenager/ in my early twenties. I thought it was great at the time but not so much looking back. She’s 21 - they could stay at a hotel if they really want to spend that kind of time together. Either that or they could demonstrate that they’re in a stable happy healthy relationship which would allow you to feel comfortable enough for them to stay in the same bed at your house

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