In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

[bishp01]

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

[QueenOfPain]

Wise up OP, you’re either being deliberately dense and literal or you just be ridiculously naive.

This was never, ever about him not being able to get a taxi home, if it’s 5 mins by car then he as a 29yo could easily walk it. This was about your daughter wanting alone time with him, and maybe two of them not being ready to admit to each other that’s what they want, so they’re both happy to go along with the cover story of “can’t get home”. I see what you’re trying to do, but she’s got to make the mistake herself!

[Gohardorgohome]

My parents stance when I was this age.... if you’re in a steady relationship fine for partner to stay in your room. But this is not a knocking shop and randoms/flings/short term partners are not to stay. Seemed fair enough to me and none of us took the p**s over it so this will be one of their parenting rules I do follow!

[Nanajadus]

I was never allowed to have my boyfriend stay in my room at home, even though we where actually living together. I was 18 at the time!, I'd left home 2 years before.
My mother was a total hypocrite as my brother was allowed his girlfriend's to stay in his room and the whole house could hear them going at it all night. Something I never would of done. I resented my mother for this. It made me feel she didn't trust me but looking back I think this is how she wanted me to feel.
I allowed my daughter to have her best friend to stay in her room from 13, they where never in a relationship and as it turned out, he is now married to another guy.
I totally understand your reaction, let's face it he is obviously not that into your daughter. 2 dates in 8 months!
The only place he would be staying in my house is in the utility room, between my 2, rather large German shepherds!
As for giving him s lift home, no chance, little fucking cad can walk.

[welshbaby2009]

I can see why she is frustrated as I often felt the same. However my parents always said while I was living under their roof I had to live by their rules. This also meant once I had moved out, and lived with my boyfriend in my own house, if I stayed at their house he had to sleep downstairs. I was 28!!!

[bytheseaby123]

Make her bed and tidy her room so she can have a 30 yr old waster sleep over?! Hell no.
Imagine how awkward it would be. I'm cringing for her.

He needs to treat her better or YANBU to not encourage it. Why would you? She can .ake her own mistakes but won't stop you wanting better for her.

[Kit30]

You're right. He's a user and a chancer & unfortunately your DD comes across as naive and a bit desperate. Your house, your rules. I'd be uncomfortable with a random stranger staying overnight, too.

[bytheseaby123]

People saying she's 21. She needed her mum to tidy her bedroom and change sheets so could potentially shag a man that won't even buy her dinner. 21 yr olds need a reality check sometimes to save them from themselves.

[Bluehues]

No way YABU you definitely did the right thing, he’s clearly not into her but she is clearly emotionally invested in him hence her anger. I don’t think you’re being a prude, you’re protecting her from herself and I would 100% have done the same

[Pawsandnoses]

YANBU she's mentally in a relationship with him and he's trying to 'shake her off'. Most people have been there at some point in their lives. It sounds like she's offered it up on a plate and of course he's not going to say no. She's probably under the illusion that having sex will change something, but it is just an illusion. She will work out the difference between love and lust eventually and no doubt have her heart trampled on. If it was my DD though, there's a snowball's chance that I'd allow anyone to use her in her own home.

[Ikeameatballs]

The whole thing is bizarre, the texting about changing the sheets is just awful.

I don’t quite understand some of the reactions. I do understand that it’s a bit unpleasant to think that your dc is in the room next door having sex but equally I’ve been in the room next door to my dc having sex too! It’s just part of life and yes, be discreet, no shouting “I’m coming!” at the top of your voice but surely everyone can manage that.

What constitutes a “proper relationship” imo is up to the consenting adults involved to decide not other adults around them.

I hope that my approach will be that my adult dc are welcome to have other adults to stay over in their bedrooms so long as this does not impact on other members of the household in terms of noise/embarrassment and certainly not changing sheets! The actual mechanics of their relationship are not my business. If my adult dc choose to discuss their relationships with me then that’s fine, I’ll give advice if asked and then not comment when they make their own mistakes. This is adulthood.

[hairyturkey]

Yabu, she is an adult.

[mantlepiece]

YANBU. I think you present as a very caring and considerate mother.

Unfortunately your daughter is behaving like a bunny boiler. This guy is not interested in her and can’t shake her off. You obviously live in a small community as the local pub seems to be where everyone congregates. Poor guy!

Yes there is a view on here that she needs to make her own mistakes, but if she is not careful she is going to get done for harassment.

[yearinyearout]

Your house, your rules. I wouldn't be happy with my adult DC bringing randomers home to stay the night either, even on the sofa. Long standing friends or partners fair enough, but not some guy who's just a passing fancy.

[gill1960]

Yep you were wrong to say no to his sleeping in her bed.
She's an adult and you decided to stop her having adult fun and embarrassed her in front of her peer group.
Both of my teenage daughters had double beds and went on the pill when they were 16. I wanted their first time for having sex in bed and on the pill. And they loved the safety and security of being in their own home.

Your daughter was wrong to ask you to change her sheets. My two daughterz did their own laundry since they were 11 with laughter and fun.

[Glitterfisher]

YABVU! She's an adult and can manage her own relationships. She is BU asking you to sort the sheets out.

[Vivianebrookskoviak]

She's 21. YABU.

You can guide her and advise her all you want but if she's gonna go against what you say then she will regardless,advice or not.

She could have snuck him in without asking first, I'm sure lots of girls would do that anyway,at least she asked!. Asking you to clean her room is a bit much though.

[RocketRacoonsFurryBalls]

You sound like a very awesome and caring mum!

We were barely even allowed friends in the house, never mind to stay over.

I’d have loved for my folks to have put duvets on the couches for me and a friend, or to offer to give friend a lift home.

This guy sounds quite unpleasant. Hopefully your daughter will work out fairly soon that she deserves better.

Please update us when she tells you what the heck she was thinking!

[MummyofTw0]

I agree with how you handled it

[SirVixofVixHall]

I agree with you op.
Neither my brother nor I were allowed to share a bedroom with a partner , in my parents home, until we were married. As I married Dh at 39 after living together for some years , that was a long time in separate rooms. It felt quite strange when we finally shared a bed there !
I have daughters, and when they are older I will absolutely not be allowing boyfriends to sleep over, unless they are in a long term, serious relationship.

[FairyFlake45]

She’s a grown woman....it’s perfectly reasonable unless you’d prefer her to move out? If I were her, I’d move out 😂

[cricketmum84]

OP I totally see where you are coming from.

My DD is a lot younger but trying to put myself in your position - boyfriend who I had met before who was treating her well - I would have let him stay in her room. She's an adult.

Some chancer who repeatedly lets her down and hurts her - nah that boy is no way staying in my house.

[LollyBmummy3]

YaNbu! I would’ve done the same thing. I agree she’s an adult and can choose who she sleeps with. But, it is your house and they're not even a couple. Sounds like he’s a friend with benefits. She maybe doesn’t see it like that, but I’m guessing he does as he doesn’t seem to want to date her, and if she’s often upset over him then I wouldn’t be facilitating him continuing to mess with her feelings. Tell him to jog on!🏃🏻‍♂️😆

[Snowball426]

Initially I thought you were been unreasonable, she's an adult. However, when you said he's let her down, doesn't make any effort etc.... You hit the nail on the head when you said something on the lines of "when they upset or hurt your child" your not unreasonable your a mother. A good one as it sounds.

[Dilligaf81]

She's nearly 21 fgs. Yes your house your rules but I feel you having an issue that they aren't in a 'proper relationship' is judgemental and means your dd with either be shagging in cars or doen an alley rather than in her bedroom.
I suppose it depends if your bothered by that or want her to move out so she can be treated like an adult.

[Yorkshiretolondon]

Your house your rules - simple. She will be upset/angry naturally but hey that’s life! Regardless of your feelings re this lad your house your rules