In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

[bishp01]

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

You've done the right thing.

I agree you did the right thing. He hasn't been great to her. So the last thing you want is to give him, the opportunity to sleep with your daughter.

I would have done the same but in the morning when she is sober. I d talk to her and tell her your reasons

Yanbu, your house your rules. Sounds to me that you're more concerned that this guy is messing your daughter around. I reckon she'll thank you for your decision in time.
I don't get why people think wanting to look out for your child stops because they're an adult?
She was having a laugh though asking you to change her sheets!

Agree with hollowtalk

Yanbu, why are some people saying in effect that you should condone your DD being treated like shit in your own home because she is an adult. I don’t care if she is 50 - your house, your rules and your right to not enable him into treating her bad.

Once again I suspect the “she’s an adult” posters haven’t yet had a daughter that age and watched her pain and desperate attempt to please a a man. Then the subsequent broken heart.

Yanbu.

He's treated her badly. She is angry because the opportunity to get what she wanted from him has passed but she doesn't understand that for him it hasn't. He knows she's keen. She probably knows he's not as keen as he should be. Hopefully she can find someone who is going to treat her better.

@bishp01 your house, your rules! To those PP saying shes an adult etc she can do what she wants when shes paying rent and Bill's in her own home. Til then, it's the sofa!

starlightlady why is sex only within a long term relationship a draconian view? It's a view that you might not agree with, but is certainly not draconian. It's just different values.

You’ve done her a favour, he sounds like a dick. She’s angry because she thought she was getting somewhere with him. Only she wasn’t really as he’s not interested.

YANBU
she isn’t a child - but it is YOUR house

@clairedelalune - Because it subscibes to the misogynistic view point that sex is something a woman gives a man.

Long term relationships are not always healthy for women in thrir only 20s. Women have needs and that includes single women who deserve not to be judged or called names. The daughter is being judged by others here, with no right of reply.

He is not a boy he is an adult as is your Daughter, if she wants to be treated like a mug by him that is up to her but not under your roof. She is also an adult and you need to stop treating her like a child.

Yanbu.

I would not judge my dd or ds for having a one night stand if that is what they wanted and nobody was getting hurt. Your DD wants a relationship with this man and he doesn't seem interested. You don't need to make it easier for her to make a mistake.

I would allow a boyfriend to stay over (with prior discussion, not last minute phonecall) but not just some guy.

I wouldn’t have got involved at all. I wouldn’t have changed the sheets and nor would I have said the boy couldn’t stay.

No YANBU.

You are stone cold sober in your own home.

Your tipsy daughter brings home a man that a) she knows when she’s sober isn’t that into her b) knows it’s inappropriate (going on his request to check the texts) c) you all know is there on the thinnest of excuses

Whether she’s 21 or not, it doesn’t sound at all like she was making her best decisions. If you were her friend or flatmate would you have tried to talk her out of the situation? I think so. I don’t see that it makes any difference here that you’re her parent.

I wouldn;t want some strange older man in my home. Your house, your rules, and there's nothing wrong with that.

YANBU - you did absolute the right thing.

No way would I allow my daughter put herself in such a vulnerable position under my roof. She might be 20, but she's young, still lives at home and has been trying to get into a relationship this guy for months and he's knocked her back constantly.

I think you did well in protecting your drunk DD from making a big mistake. At least now she can't go "well you let him say" if it had all gone wrong.

YANBU

She has a cheek. If she's an adult she can tidy her own room and change her sheets before she goes out if she thinks she might have a user male friend coming back.

Just because she is an adult doesn't mean she gets to do what she wants

She needs to mature as she's letting this man treat her badly. That's the issue as well.

YANBU, Your house, your rules. She's an adult if she wants him over she can get her own place or go to his.
Sounds like you don't like him and I can see why. You don't have to host anyone you don't want in your home.

She might have left home by now and be having whoever she wants in her bedroom for whatever reason. I’d have said yes to bedroom but no to changing sheets and tidying.

If it were me I wouldn't want to control my daughter at that age and I also understand that if it was a boyfriend if would be different ....but at the same time I wouldn't want to encourage and literally make the bed for her to be with someone that has upset her so much in the past.

She can go and get her own place can she? What, just like that? Go out into the garden and pick some money from the tree?
Or do finances mean that she still lives with her mum...and has to abide by mum’s rules and restrictions as a result?

I wouldn’t stop my grown up kids doing grown up things that don’t impact on me, such as inviting a love interest to stay over. She’s not 14. She’s 20.

And ps...the way we learn not to invest in crushes on feckless men is to experience it. Not because mum says no.

Yanbu. It seems like she is desperate to please him so that's why she wanted him over. He couldn't care less to treat her well so why should he be allowed to use her home as he pleases.