In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

[bishp01]

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

[brittlestar]

I would take a step back from knowing the ins and outs of her relationships and start empowering her that she's an adult and you trust her to make good decisions for her own wellbeing. She needs to know she can make her own mistakes as you'll always be there for her anyway and she'll be fine even if she does mess up. Set consistent house rules so she doesn't need permission all the time and knows where you stand on people staying over. Then she will have the security of knowing exactly what's allowed. It's time to create the relationship you want long term with an adult independent daughter. Her living with you shouldn't mean she is treated like a child who can't be trusted to behave responsibly. You don't need to know the details to be encouraging her to not chase after people and helping her improve her assertiveness and self esteem. She sounds like she's looking for approval and consistency from you by sharing so much and not being sure what the house rules are and this can translate to the rest of your life and make you a people pleaser in general. The earlier she gets confident in who she is and trusting her own judgement instead of yours the better for her.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

He’s a random. You have every right to say no to randoms and ons in your home. He’s a 29 year old man. If he wants a bunk up that much he can pay for a hotel for the night.

The only thing ywbu about was to drive this idiot home. He’s a grown man, not a child. You don’t need to drop him off at his door.

My dd is not old enough for all this. But I have already told dh established relationships only. He doesn’t agree as he sewed his wild oats. But as a woman I see it as protecting dd. A pp has a 6 month rule. I think that seems fair.

[Llioed]

I haven’t RTFT, just the first page, but YANBU for the reasons you state. She may be an adult but it is your house, your rules. You have stated this is just a flirtation and they aren’t even bf/gf. I can’t understand the PP who have said you ARE BU just because she is 20. Yes she has to learn, but she also has to respect her parents’ house and rules.

You did the right thing and when she is sober, sit her down for a chat and explain your reasons, for example if he was a proper boyfriend who respected her then yes he could stay over in her room. Not someone who lets her down.

I had a serious boyfriend from the age of 16 (we were together 5 years) and I still lived at home and I never once asked my dad and SM if he could stay over. My BF at the time had his own place (he was 10 years older than me)

OP - does this man have his own place? Do you know what his living arrangements are?

[TSSDNCOP]

I don’t think mum is saying no in general (although perhaps would like to) she’s just put her foot down on being the enabler.

It sounds like even the boyfriend thought it was a bad plan (because it was).

Yes, we all learn by our mistakes. Yes, she’s an adult. But she could have also gone back to his place last night as it was only 5 minutes drive from the pub. If you’re that determined for a shag that’d be nothing.

[Linseedlill]

YANBU. I'd have offered him the sofa (which he probably would have rejected). I'd also be unimpressed that a 29 he old man couldn't get himself home five mins away (although appreciate he probably could and was hoping for more,). If you have a bad feeling about him, and your daughter thanked you before when she was drunk for keeping him at a distance, then you did the right thing imho. Why encourage a bad 'un?

[floribunda18]

I would let him stay but tell her to do her own sheets and tidy her room!

[AlexaAmbidextra]

You are sending out negative signals about sex.

It’s no bad thing to send out a negative signal about sex with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect.

[WhyBirdStop]

I do get it OP, I had a guy in my life around that age (bit younger) who wouldn't commit to anything but we'd end up in bed after drunken nights, I acted like I was fine with it, but it did hurt. Thing is I learned about relationships from things like that. He used to stay when I lived at my parents, but they thought we were actually dating, I want as open with them at she is with you. I think the sofa offer would've been fine, and actually maybe he felt uncomfortable about it from your description. You can't protect her forever though. Maybe have a conversation with her today and say of this happens again what do went me to do, protect you or let you make a mistake? Definitely don't be changing her sheets and tidying her room!!!

[IamtheOA]

She's obviously desperate to be with him.
He couldn't care less.You did her a favour

This


Why should you have the way for a grown man to treat your daughter even worse?

Yes she's an adult, no, its not sending negative messages about sex. (For me, it's that they're not in a relationship, she's desperate to hook up with him, and seems that she won't stop until the stakes are higher and he really hurts her.

Why would you be complicit in this?

[feelingfree17]

Any one of my daughters friends who treat them with the love and respect they deserve are welcome in my/their home. Anyone who doesn’t is not welcome. This twat clearly doesn’t treat her well. Very difficult for a parent to see her child (no matter what age) treated so badly. I certainly would not have been running around cleaning bedrooms and making it all cosy for him - I am definitely with the OP on this one

[HangryPants]

She's obviously desperate to be with him. He couldn't care less.You did her a favour

I think that this is (the only) bit I have a problem with. She's old enough that you need to let her make decisions like this.

However, the rest of it?! The funniest/shocking bit is her asking you to facilitate her quick shag by putting on clean sheets

[Missingstreetlife]

He's too old for her, he knows it, he's not interested, shes stalking him and making a fool of herself. Where are her friends to tell her to stop.
Op is not unreasonable, she is spot on. All these cool mums colluding with their daughters abuse☹️ Aiding and abetting it, no. Talk about it sober.
I was about 30 when I had a bad relationship. I asked my friend to give him a message. She said I'll tell him to fuck off if you like. I was cross, but I knew she was right.

[Topsecretidentity]

To those saying she's 12 not 21, shecan move out and get her own place at 21 if she doesn't like the rules. I don't think ywbu to refuse him staying in the room though I can understand why she's upset, and ywnbu to refuse to tidy the room for her.

[TheVanguardSix]

SHE is BU. She needs to move out.
I couldn't imagine asking my mum to clean my room and change my sheets. I think the dog is wagging the tail here.

[Kiwiinkits]

He’s almost 30! Old enough to walk home for half an hour. I can’t believe you offered to drive him home, like he was 16!

[Kiwiinkits]

Yanbu in saying no he can’t stay

[pictish]

Will people please stop saying ‘she can move out if she doesn’t like it’ - this is factually incorrect...no, she can’t. If she could afford to move out she would.
Saying it is just a nonsense. She can’t move out.

OP and her dd need to find a compromise that suits them.

[HangryPants]

He's too old for her, he knows it, he's not interested, shes stalking him and making a fool of herself... All these cool mums colluding with their daughters abuse

Where's the abuse?

I think the dog is wagging the tail here.

Fantastic. This thread has given me such a good laugh this morning!

[HangryPants]

Will people please stop saying ‘she can move out if she doesn’t like it’ - this is factually incorrect...no, she can’t. If she could afford to move out she would.

How do you know any of this??

[YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine]

I think you did the right thing and your rules are fair. Friends and "friends" can stay but downstairs, actual boyfriends can stay in her room with her. Sounds good. Your DD is begging for scraps off this man and you have embarrassed her. I'm sure she'll thank you one day.

[HangryPants]

Sounds good. Your DD is begging for scraps off this man and you have embarrassed her. I'm sure she'll thank you one day.

Yes, for saying, "Sorry, not tonight, there's been a bit of a domestic disaster".

For humiliating her? Not so much.

[dropthemic]

I haven't RTFT but I think you did the right thing. If he is actually interested in her, has any respect and decency he would be ok with your rule. My mum saw me go through heartache with previous bfs. Sometimes she stepped back and other times she got involved. Like your DD I was angry but I now am so grateful. She showed me that I could demand respect, its ok to walk away if someone isn't giving it to you and to not accept the scraps off the table from them. I now have found the most wonderful DH. He is a good and kind man (though drives me nuts at times). I wonder without the gentle steering of my mum would I still be chasing after those losers

[bishp01]

The thing is, I am not being a prude or trying to stop her or control her from having sex. I know she has sex - what I'm saying is, I don't particularly want to be in the room next door to her, while she's with someone that she's not actually seeing. I have no issue with her having a one night stand - but not particularly in front of me. It's more about respecting boundaries and other people's feelings. I've said that I'm happy to go out and she can have the house to herself - it is hard when you live at home and you want some privacy and there's 4 of you (younger sibling as well) living in a small house. So I get that. And even if I'm not keen on him, I don't tell her not to see him or text him, I say it's up to her, she has to decide for herself. And she already knew what the rules were - I'd specifically said this before, that we wouldn't ever be comfortable with her just bringing a random man home - but would be fine if it was someone she was in a relationship with. Doesn't have to be married, or engaged - but at least dating him. She knows exactly what the rules were - hence the hurried text. So as it turned out, his mum came and picked him up...

[Angryfan123]

You did the right thing

[sackrifice]

But why couldn't he get a taxi home? It's like they made that bit up and you foiled their plan.