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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

322 replies

bishp01 · 18/08/2019 00:09

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

OP posts:
SummerBreezemakesmefeelfine · 18/08/2019 01:24

I think you did the right thing as well OP. DD sounds vulnerable.
She should certainly not expect you to tidy her room and change sheets for her as if she is Lady Mary of Downton Abbey. The episode with the Turkish man was hilarious, not so much in a modern home with paper thin walls.

We have been happy to have partners that we have got to know staying with our adult kids, prepared meals for them and talked over dinner. They know not to bring one night stands back, because it is our small home, our rules.

Original poster
bishp01 · 18/08/2019 01:27

I've never given her the line - 'it's our house, our rules'. But I did say (after the other time she had asked for him to stay over), that it was just a question of respect for others. And because her dad would have been hugely uncomfortable with this, it was a case of respecting how he felt as well. Taking other people's feelings into consideration too. But that the situation would change with time, and as their relationship evolved then obviously we would not feel uncomfortable with him stopping, and it wouldn't be a problem. So it wasn't ever a case of - no, you can never have a boyfriend to stay over in your room. Just a case of having a bit of consideration for others too.

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Sunnydays365 · 18/08/2019 01:28

You've done her a favour, she'll hopefully realise this tomorrow. The fact that he wont take her to his house,ignores her messages..he is a user. Well done Mum. Totally agree if she is in a relationship then fair enough , but I'd want to know who was staying in my house and not just for a drunken fumble!

Rachelover40 · 18/08/2019 01:30

This will blow over, bishp01. I know your daughter is almost 21 but, as you said, you could drive him home in five minutes so there was no need for him to stay the night. It would be different if he was a 'proper' boyfriend but he's unreliable and has upset your girl on a couple of occasions so I don't blame you. She was a bit cheeky to ask you to change sheets, etc!

She'll get over this and maybe even understand where you're coming from. It's natural that you don't want your daughter to be messed about and the last thing you want to do is enable it.

You say the guy is older - how much older? I'm not saying age differences are all that relevant when two people are adult but there's a difference between, say, a 25 year old man going out with a 20 year old girl, and a 32 year old doing the same (like Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer and she was well exploited!).

You look after yourself and your family (it sounds like you do). Flowers

TwoPupsandaHamster · 18/08/2019 01:33

YANBU.

If your DD wants to shag any Tom, Dick or Harry she can - in her own house. It's time she moved out. Your house, your rules OP.

Hell would freeze over before I welcomed someone into my home to sleep with my DD, who is known to, otherwise, treat her like crap.

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 01:37

Ynbu at the all op. He's treated her badly and your instinct was right.

I suspect she'll thank you at some point once the alcohol wears off

This ^^

I'm bet Sober DD thinks you saved her from bad decisions of drunk DD. Either way it's your house, your rules, she knows them rules.... and being drunk doesn't mean she has a pass to break them especially when they are about respect for herself and for your home.

Jellybum2019 · 18/08/2019 01:37

I left home at 25 and was never allowed a partner to stay over before I was in a relationship with my current partner of 3.5 years who I had been with for around 8 months at the time and it was after a family party it saved doing an extra drop in the taxi my dad said he could stay as they got on really well and I remember I nearly fell off my chair when he so casually said he could stay over as before that boyfriends staying over was a no no! Very much their house, their rules which during my early twenties I hated them for but now at the age of 28 and in a very happy and healthy relationship with a house and baby I’m thankful for their strictness! The guys I dated before my current partner were all idiots anyway so looking back I wasn’t really missing out on anything my parents were just protecting me!

Derbee · 18/08/2019 01:38

On balance, YANBU. It’s a tough one OP. She’s an adult, so of course she can sleep with whoever she wants. I think the issue is not wanting someone to take advantage of your daughter (or son) in your house. She makes her own decisions, but I can understand why you don’t want to be complicit in this relationship if you feel he treats her badly.

Basically, a judgment on him personally is ok, but a moral judgement on her having someone to stay and having sex is not ok, IMO.

And a big fat no to tidying her room and preparing the bed for action! 😂

Original poster
bishp01 · 18/08/2019 01:40

If he lived miles and miles away - then we might have said well, ok, it's a nightmare for you to get home, we'll set up sofa for you etc. But it's literally 5 minutes for me to drive him there and back - so why stay?. And absolutely up to her to make her own mistakes. And there's been times that I've said I think something is a bad idea, but that it's up to her and I've stood back and let her do it, and then been there to comfort, listen, analyse, advise etc. But I just think I do have a right to say who can come back - when it's not really necessary. It's absolutely her home too - and her bedroom should be absolutely her own space to do with what she wants. I don't go in - I leave it all up to her, how she wants it, if she wants it a mess, then that's up to her. It's her house too and I wouldn't ever want her to think she couldn't have her friends back. She knows that - she's had parties here, she's had housefuls of people staying over. It's not a problem. In fact when one of her male friends stayed over the other month because he was locked out, she texted me just to let me know he was stopping and asked if I could make up the 2 sofas for them both to sleep downstairs. She didn't ask permission - she knew she didn't need to. It was all perfectly normal. DD doesn't let anyone go in her bedroom - she hates her friends being up there! She likes to keep it as her own private space. So tonight, for her to make a point of asking for this boy to sleep up there - surely she could see that she was making it into a big deal and realised that it wasn't right?

OP posts:
Original poster
bishp01 · 18/08/2019 01:46

And it's not just that he's messed her about. To be honest, even if it was someone who seemed really nice - if they hadn't actually been dating then i wouldn't want him stopping over in her bedroom straight away. Maybe sleeping downstairs until the relationship was a bit more established. Just not someone that she hasn't even dated just stopping over as a one night stand. The fact of how he has acted towards her, is just the cherry on the cake.

OP posts:
bouncingraindrops · 18/08/2019 01:50

I can't quite work out what the difference is between the bedroom and the living room tbh.

You are ok with her and other people both staying on the sofas, just not in the bed?

Original poster
bishp01 · 18/08/2019 01:51

She knows her friends wouldn't just be able to take back someone unless they were in a relationship. She has gone back to a boy's house (who again was in his late 20s but still lived at home) but had to leave early in the morning before his parents came home as he wasn't allowed anyone back. So she knows that this is pretty much a standard thing. And we are so easy going in other respects. We've even gone out for a couple of hours so she could invite him round (although he's not turned up) so she could have a bit of privacy. But to me, there's a difference between having someone round for a few hours and asking to have someone in your bed for the whole night next door to your parents. Again, I'd just put that down to having respect.

OP posts:
Original poster
bishp01 · 18/08/2019 01:56

I was trying to make the point that although she said nothing was going to happen - the fact that she was asking for her bed to be changed and for him to sleep up there meant the opposite. When her platonic male friend stayed the other week, she automatically just said to leave quilts out on the sofas for them (we have 2 sofas). There was no question in her mind that it was innocent. So the fact that she wasn't saying that this time, meant that she wanted them staying upstairs as boyfriend and girlfriend. But she as she knew how uncomfortable her dad would be in the bedroom next door - she was at pains to say that nothing would happen - but in which case, why not just ask if he could stay over on the sofa?

OP posts:
Original poster
bishp01 · 18/08/2019 02:06

Just to clarify - she has never had anyone over to stay that she was 'sleeping with'. All friends who have stayed over, have been that - purely friends. She has had boyfriends over while we've been out etc, but never to stay overnight. I have gone with her when she wanted to change her contraception. I have known about it when she has stayed with someone. But I have spoken to her before about boyfriends staying over - specifically on this subject and said that we wouldn't be comfortable with her having a man to stay in her bedroom unless they were in some sort of a relationship. That's not trying to be prudish - I fully expect her to have 1 night stands. That is up to her. But what I'm saying is, that we would feel uncomfortable in the bedroom next door to her when it wasn't even a boyfriend. To be honest, if she did have a boyfriend, I'd be happy for him to stop over.

OP posts:
AllSweetnessAndLight · 18/08/2019 02:07

YANBU. She must be very drunk. I would be mortified if I text my mum to tidy my room and make up my bed to facilitate bringing a guy back from the pub - ONS or FWB. Blush

Weathermonger · 18/08/2019 02:10

Personally I don't think it matters whether she is in a relationship or not. What matters is your house, your rules. If you're not comfortable with him staying in her room, that should be reason enough. YANBU and nor should you have to explain yourself.

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/08/2019 02:15

Sorry, I cannot get past an almost 21 year old ADULT.. calling her Mum, whilst drunk, late at night, to ask if Mum can tidy her room and change her sheets so she can bring a guy home to sleep in her bed with her.

Is she an adult or is she a toddler?

Original poster
bishp01 · 18/08/2019 02:21

So the general consensus is that it was probably the right thing to say no, but that I should lighten up a bit? What if, if she's talking to me tomorrow, I suggest that next time he can stay over, as long as he's happy taking the sofa? And obviously making that concession? I was just taken aback as she already knew how we felt about it. I realise that she's nearly 21, but both her and all of her friends seem like such young 20 year olds. She's not this mature, working woman, and we don't live in a massive house, where we could ignore it. To me, this is a gradual thing. You don't just turn 18 then it's ok to do whatever you want. You have to mature and take steps forward. Even though her dad wouldn't be happy at a boyfriend stopping over, I've told him that will be happening and it's just something he would have to get used to. And we will.

OP posts:
Original poster
bishp01 · 18/08/2019 02:22

It wasn't late at night. It was 10 pm. That's why I thought it wasn't being unreasonable saying he didn't need to stop - that I could happily drive him home. That's also why it just felt so out of order.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 18/08/2019 02:25

It’s your house so imo you set the rules. If she doesn’t like it she can get her own place where she can do what she wants. If nothing was going to happen she could have asked for him to sleep on the sofa.

BenjiB · 18/08/2019 02:28

Yanbu at all. If my daughter when she’s 20 wants to have casual sex then that’s her choice but not in my house. Yes it’s her home but that doesn’t mean you should allow it under your roof. I never would have asked my mum that,

Yeahnahmum · 18/08/2019 02:28

Yanbu re changing bed and cleaning
But to not let her have someone sleep over in her bedroom at almost 21? What are you trying to achieve here? Her not having sex? Because she will. Just elsewhere...
This is going to backfire big.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 18/08/2019 02:29

What if, if she's talking to me tomorrow, I suggest that next time he can stay over, as long as he's happy taking the sofa

The bloke is nearly 30 years old! I'm sure he can walk home. I bet he has walked home from the pub many times. Why does he need to sleep on your sofa? I certainly wouldn't be driving him home. He's big enough to take himself home

Fatasfooook · 18/08/2019 02:49

You are not unreasonable to change her bed for her coming home with a stranger. Wtf?! Are you her maid?

Toneitdown · 18/08/2019 03:13

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that she would ask you to tidy her room and change her sheets in order to facilitate bringing someone back to the house, and then threw a tantrum when you said no. You say she's 20?! Jesus. I would take this is a huge flapping great sign that it's time for her to move out.

It sounds like she treats your house like a hotel, you like a maid, and generally acts like a spoilt little child and yet expects to be treated as an adult. YANBU at all, it's your house and she sounds extremely immature so I think it's entirely up to you if you don't want her to have someone stay over in her bed.