In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

[bishp01]

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

[Shooturlocalmethdealer]

Call me a prude but I would never allow my daughters boyfriends to sleep over much less in the same room. I dont do it, they wont either. If your not married you dont share a bed in my home. YANBU

[Tartsamazeballs]

No problem having an established relationship for a sleepover but a series of one night stands/a habit of blowing got and cold would piss me off. It's a family home. He's 30, let him get a hotel room or go back to his place f they want to fuck.

[StarlightLady]

I would allow it on 4 grounds.

1. She’s 20 for goodness sake, not a teenager.
   

1. I was doing the same at 20 and l don’t beleive in double standards.
   

1. You are spoiling the relationship with your daughter.
   

1. You are sending out negative signals about sex.

[StarlightLady]

PS: l wouldn’t tidy her room or do her washing though. It’s her space, so yes, he can stay on that basis, but it ends there.

[Thequaffle]

YANBU, you’re her mum not her flatmate.
Lol though, you cockblocked her!

[missnevermind]

take the view that my grown up kids can sleep with who they like, but I don’t want strangers sleeping in my house. So people can sleep over once DH and I have had the chance to properly give them the once over.

I joke With my son that it’s no overnight guests without a written request and a photocopy of Passport’s with no less than 24 hours notice.
In reality it means he knows I mean it. No strangers. No girls in his room. This was relaxed once he was in a relationship and I had had dinner with the girl 😂 but still had to be prearranged.
For reference he is 21 but with younger siblings 18 10 and 8. The rules are also supposed to protect them.

[Loveislandaddict]

I would be the same as you.

Very cheeky to ask you to change her bedding.

[Broken11Girl]

Um she's 20? It's her decision if she sleeps with him and she's legally old enough to by 4 years It's not even as if she's bringing back a random that you don't know.
You're lucky she even asked. I'd expect to be informed especially if it was late, as a basic courtesy. Not asked.
I wouldn't tidy her room though! That part is cheeky.
Too many people on here who treat their adult DC like 15yos. YABVU.

[missnevermind]

Reading to the end. I think you have protected her from a drunken mistake.
She does not allow friends in her room as this makes her uncomfortable - She has asked to do something that is out of character.
Also she has asked to do it and given you prior warning - change the bed and tidy up.
All of mine, no matter what age, know that if they are put in an uncomfortable situation where it is difficult to say NO then to blame me. ‘Mum said no way’ or ‘You know what my Mums like we had better not’

[MadamBatty]

Yabu unreasonable calling a 30 year old man a ‘boy’. I get what you’re saying, I wouldn’t let him stay either.

[Durgasarrow]

You're doing her a favor. She was acting like a stupid teenager, asking you to fix up her bed so she can cater to this older man who doesn't even want her. It was an insult to herself and disrespectful to you as her mother. No wonder it raised your hackles. Because it showed that she had such low standards for herself that she was willing to treat you disrespectfully. How dare she ask you to be her personal maid in such an intimate and degrading act. What mother would want such a distasteful job?

[Charmlight]

Durgasarrow Spot on.
Some of it would not be so bad if he hadn’t treated her so badly. Why can’t she see that?

[SimplySteveRedux]

My rules are relationship of at least 6 months - and a proper relationship

We have the same for both DD and DS. 20 and 23 respectively.

[geordierfc]

and its not the daughters house either.......... so its parents rules or she goes and gets a hotel ....very simple..

I don't see a dad in this and I'm sure if there is - he wouldn't be best pleased

sounds like pressure from the "older guy"....... mums right and not a prude

[geordierfc]

its the parents house - so parents rules

if she doesn't like she go rent a flat for her sexual encounters

[SimonJT]

@bouncingraindrops No I don’t either, a guy I was seeing at a similar age to OPs daughter was giving a similar rule by his parents, so as soon as his parents were in bed he joined me on the sofa. Pants can infact be removed from someones body outside of a bedroom.

Sod changing the sheets or tidying the room, she can do that herself.

[Waytooearly]

Wow, YANBU. You're not her flatmate.

No way in hell would a 30-year-old man I didn't know be staying the night in my house.

[NoCauseRebel]

4. You are sending out negative signals about sex. no, she isn’t. She is hopefully sending out the message that her daughter should have more self respect than to throw herself at someone who clearly sees her as nothing more than an easy lay.
As for ringing to ask the op to make the bed for her to shag in, fuck that.

[Waytooearly]

I genuinely don't see how it's "sending negative signals about sex" to forbid your daughter to bring a random into your home.

Sex is for adults. If she wants to have ONS she can get her own place. What, are you supposed to make them breakfast?

[SolitudeAtAltitude]

I cannot believe she asked you to tidy her room and put new sheets on the bed for her and her one night stand

At 20!

So odd, would be great if she could move into a flatshare with people her own age.

Imo living at home and having such a symbiotic relationship with your parents (at 20) is n o t good for her or you.

It means you are way overinvolved in her love life, part counsellor part maid, no no no, not good for anyone!

[Badabingbadabum]

Fussing so much about who she is dating and offering lifts to men she is seeing if embarrassing and unreasonable.

However, calling you from a pub to ask you to tidy her room and make her bed? Dear Lord. I think you need to give her a bit of space to grow up and she needs to stop asking her mum to tidy her room at nearly 21.

[Teacher22]

Your house: your rules. Simples.

If your DD is so emboldened as to ask you to change sheets for an older man to stay over with her at no notice given and to be angry at a refusal your relationship needs readjusting now before things get totally out of hand. Lay down some hard and fast rules and if she gets angry, get firmer. Let her know you are not giving way and she can move out if she doesn’t like it. I hope you are taking rent from her.

[Badabingbadabum]

But also, one night stands in your parents house are just a bit weird.

[StarlightLady]

I’d be particularly interested to know how the poster who said she would not have her daughter sharing a bed with someone unless she was married, would have handled matters, before the Same Sex Marriage Act, had her daughter been lesbian.

I also wonder how attitudes on here woukd be different if we were referring to a son and not a daughter.

Finally 20, is very young for many woman to be in a long term relationship, they can make you feel stifled but many 20 year old women still have needs.

I agree that no mother should act as a chamber maid to a 20 yesr old woman though. But neither should they be sex moral police. Are we seriously taking the draconian view that sex outside of a long term relationship is wrong?

[Witchinaditch]

I’d be pleased that she has such an open relationship with you, at 20 I would have snuck a guy in and snuck him out again. Now next time she may not ask you. I would have let him stay, she’s 20 not 15. I do think asking you to tidy was a bit much, I would have never had the gall to ask my mum that!