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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to stop requests for play dates?

271 replies

Arrow20 · 17/08/2019 18:56

Posting here for traffic.

I have a six year old daughter.

There is a girl in her class who has taken a real shine to her over the last year. The mum of this girl is very keen for them to be friends and play outside of school. I find her to be quite pushy and there have been some issues with this girl, pinching, shoving (not just my daughter) and generally being quite unkind at times.

I have also witnessed this girls behaviour at class parties so it's not just here-say. She's not all bad and can play nicely, but just as quickly can start being quite nasty.

So, the mum has contacted me several times over the summer holidays asking to meet up. I asked my daughter if she wanted to and got a resounding no so have tried to make polite excuses but I am running out of ideas.

The mum has just messaged me again this evening, clearly not getting the hint and I just don't know what to say aside from 'we're busy' yet again.

Is there any polite way of being honest about the situation or am I going to end up offending her? I hate any kind of confrontation but at the same time I'm not going to force my daughter to spend time with someone outside of school who she's just not keen on.

Any ideas please?

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 18/08/2019 13:40

Just say

"Mary we had no plans, I didn't not show, we had no plans. If your dd is upset its on you for telling her we had plans when we didn't. Its Sunday, we had plans with family and frankly I resent you texting me trying to make me feel guilty or not showing up to plans I never agreed to. This has gone too far, the girls are not best friends, one day they might be and we will happily meet but only if they both want to and dd doesn't want to now"

CalmdownJanet · 18/08/2019 13:41

And definitely RSVP no to the birthday party

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 18/08/2019 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mamaty · 18/08/2019 13:43

This is turning into a fiasco for absolutely no reason .

The woman is probably aware that her child does not play nicely and is trying to fix this through her child’s contact with other children .

You could simply explain jokingly that your Daugter is a bit ‘scared ‘ of the child. If that the child has pinched your Daugter a few times so your Daugter is nervous about going to play .

You could also be kind and say that

Dotty1970 · 18/08/2019 13:45

I just think you need to give a reply with the truth, let her know about her dd behaviour and the effect it has had.... Hopefully she will support her daughter to behave better then🤔

Arrow20 · 18/08/2019 13:47

Ok I've sent this reply -

We hadn’t arranged to meet, that was a one sided arrangement on your part. As I explained yesterday, there won’t be any play dates for the foreseeable due to the issues I already mentioned.

I’ve blocked her on WhatsApp

God, my head is pounding

OP posts:
sackrifice · 18/08/2019 13:50

Other mum then messaged me, clearly irritated, asking where we were, at which point I said we were seeing family this afternoon. She then said that her daughter was really upset and that I should have told her rather than not turning up!

'Hi. Oh dear. I didn't realise i had to run my daily schedule through you! If you make an assumption then you need to own it. Not blame me.'

PristineCondition · 18/08/2019 13:50

This woman must be made of pure teflon!

MerryDeath · 18/08/2019 13:52

if you've tried to give it to her gently and it hasn't worked then fair play.. give her the real reason. some people are just bullish and insensitive! the child has probably got it from her mother!

katewhinesalot · 18/08/2019 13:53

Time to spell it ou.

"I'd already said that DD doesn't want to play at the moment. We hadn't agreed to meet you and until Sophie learns to not hurt DD there will be no meeting up. I'm not prepared to put DD in that situation. Please don't ask again. If their friendship develops at school and DD wants to play then we will contact you. Have a good rest of the summer"

SilverySurfer · 18/08/2019 13:53

Your response is excellent OP. Any further contact just ignore.

katewhinesalot · 18/08/2019 13:54

oops x post. Good message op.

Arrow20 · 18/08/2019 13:54

I wonder if I'll now be removed from the class FB page?! She's one of the bloody admins.

Not that it's the worst thing, I hate school related social media anyway

OP posts:
RachelEllenR · 18/08/2019 13:54

Good reply, I definitely wouldn't mention the girls' behaviour as it's the mum's that is a little extreme. She's an adult and she's not setting a good example to her child.

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 18/08/2019 13:55

You really need to stop replying now.

Some people do not care about other people’s feelings as long as they get their own way. You are feeding into it tbh. Just ignore.

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 13:55

OP, you are worrying about how to fix it, but you don't have to do anything. You don't have to oblige nor explain any further. You've already started by avoiding her and not letting you nor DD be railroaded. I wouldn't say anymore as you don't want this to escalate. She hasn't listenned and is unlikely to unless you get loud about it and I think that's a mistake in the long term. Just see your reply as a response to her shitty text and leave it at that.

If it helps- I had a similar issue when DD3 was Year1-2, with Other DD (both DD3s) whom she knew from babies. And I'm glad I dealt with it quietly without any big fall out.

By halfway through Yr1 DD kept talking about how OtherDD was mean to her (calling her "stupid, weird, mental"), bossed her around, made her play her games only, sent other friends away, and stamped on DD's foot, kicked her or pinched her on carpet time or in classroom if DD hadn't played with her at lunchtime.

Both DDs were originally popular but OtherDD became less popular as time went on because she was mean sometimes. My DD said OtherDD told her she had to play with her as they were "best friends". DD didn't want to play with her. She didn't even like her by that point.

I quietly asked teacher to move her place on carpet and table away from otherDD. (Teacher had started to notice my DD being teary or moving away on carpet).

I chatted with DD that she could choose who she played with or was friends with. And she didn't have to spend her playtime with DCs that hurt, bullied or made her feel bad about herself, as true friends are kind and thoughtful to each other.

Other Mum kept texting me and cornering me at pickups insisting I made my DD play with hers, as OtherDD "had no one to play with" (not true, + also as school has friendship bench and older pupils- play leaders- who take alone DCs into big group games) and that we should meet up /playdate so they were better friends again. My confident DD just said no thanks mum.

I refused to get drawn in by OtherMum, ignoring messages for days then late replying, we were always busy, changing our plans, and I replied noncommittally when put on spot by OtherMum at school gate "oh, i think the girls can choose who they want to play with, DD says OtherDD plays with other friends... Children drift in and out of friendships over time...best not to interfere" (No way was I giving her ammunition or anything to latch onto)

OtherDDs had plenty of friends but they hit her back if she hurt them, or told on her. My DD didn't.
DD said OtherDD was on sad face for being unkind (hurting) quite often. DD simply went off and played with others. (DD was only even in safe face for talking too much in class 🙊)

We became unavailable for playdates outside school. Both developed other friendship groups
in school & outside naturally.

Years later both DDs still play together occasionally in groups at lunchtime, are friendly enough in school (no outside playdates, they say hi if bump into each other at same place or party) and DD walks away if OtherDD crosses her line as do her other friends. My DD learnt a strong message about real friendship, that will protect her in future.

But as there was no big falling out nor confrontation, it left things open should she grow out if it, or if they want to be friendly in future.

Also DD will be less likely a target of OtherDD in secondary school, who whilst no longer physical, can have quite a mean tongue on her. Both because of DD having other strong friendship groups and that we didn't make enemies of either otherDD or OtherMum (as Mum can be mean too, not really intentionally). Important when our DCs are likely to go to school together for 13 years, as it's the long game you play. So I recommend avoid confrontation and subtly withdraw without burning any bridges but not engaging with any stalker shit.

It'd be so different if it was full-on outrageous targeted vicious bullying -that you have to get school to act upon/ avoid outside school), but at age 6 it's often more testing the ground subtle stuff, that may or may not last.

Funnyface1 · 18/08/2019 13:55

Good response op. Let's see if she can let it go now.

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 13:59

*sad face, not safe face! 🙄 Silly phone, I missed that autochange.

Arrow20 · 18/08/2019 13:59

Is the other person aware if you block them on WhatsApp?

OP posts:
Arrow20 · 18/08/2019 14:01

Thank you for your reply Will

It's certainly interesting to hear this from others. It seems like it's not an unusual situation.

OP posts:
originalpigeon · 18/08/2019 14:01

Well done op!

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 14:02

In this bit DD didn't want to play with her. She didn't even like her by that point.
I meant DD couldn't articulate it but once we'd chatted about true friends, she found the words to explain that she didn't feel OtherDD was her best friend at all, but had felt confused when OtherDD told her they were!

Time4change2018 · 18/08/2019 14:07

Well done OP. The mother sounds tapped and needs to wind her neck in. Any wonder her child is ott / high strung when their mother is like that.
Great clear message, no replies if she gets to you from other social media platforms and no to the party too I think.

WillLokireturn · 18/08/2019 14:08

Oh @Arrow20 I'm pleased if my little Yr2 DD3 experience
and others have helped you. It took me.ages to type out!
I've watched all three of mine go through all sorts of friendship issues, this isn't an unusual one at all I'm afraid. That's why MN is so great!

I'm glad you are finding your own way to deal with it, that's right for you and DD. But remember ignoring is always an option, even if it's just a temporary option to see what way it goes later.

Hmm ... don't know about WhatsApp showing if you are blocked. If might do. Ask a friend to try it for you and see how it looks when you whatsapp them.
I wouldn't do anything that is obviously alienating. But not would I reply, I'd leave it on unread.

Drum2018 · 18/08/2019 14:10

If she starts messaging on Facebook messenger instead, just don't open the messages. She'll know they have not been read then, so cannot expect a response. If she texts, you can block her number altogether. She's unhinged!

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