How to stop requests for play dates?

[Arrow20]

Posting here for traffic.

I have a six year old daughter.

There is a girl in her class who has taken a real shine to her over the last year. The mum of this girl is very keen for them to be friends and play outside of school. I find her to be quite pushy and there have been some issues with this girl, pinching, shoving (not just my daughter) and generally being quite unkind at times.

I have also witnessed this girls behaviour at class parties so it's not just here-say. She's not all bad and can play nicely, but just as quickly can start being quite nasty.

So, the mum has contacted me several times over the summer holidays asking to meet up. I asked my daughter if she wanted to and got a resounding no so have tried to make polite excuses but I am running out of ideas.

The mum has just messaged me again this evening, clearly not getting the hint and I just don't know what to say aside from 'we're busy' yet again.

Is there any polite way of being honest about the situation or am I going to end up offending her? I hate any kind of confrontation but at the same time I'm not going to force my daughter to spend time with someone outside of school who she's just not keen on.

Any ideas please?

I'm in this situation, trying to arrange some play dates for my ASD son and basically I get either a quick message back saying "sorry, not free. Maybe next week." Or no reply at all.
So if you just don't reply she won't be able to do anything about it.
And she will be sat at home with her lonely child, like me.

Ach, I wouldn't be rude as dynamics can change in children's friendships over the years and you don't want anything said or done that sticks in anyone's minds .

The mother may not have taken the hint yet but that doesn't mean you can't reply with subtle same message each time. "Sorry, can't do. See you at school" If she tries to pin you down, just respond with same "we're not free/...already busy this week.../have plans with friends and family.." (even if you're not)
Then go about your business. No need to be blunt. She can't force you into a play date and it's good that you won't impose any unwanted playdate onto DD.

Hi, we're tied up for the duration. Hope you have a great rest of the summer'.

I personally wouldn't use any of the excuses saying your daughter doesn't want to or that your daughter doesn't see hers as a best friend. This mum May tell her daughter this and could cause your daughter lots of grief once school starts. It would almost feel a betrayal of your daughters trust by repeating what she has told you perhaps in confidence.
For those posters saying their child has SN or ASD and are constantly getting excuses I really feel for you. However I don't think this particular mum is doing her or or daughter any favours by not correcting the rough play. If this mum corrected and punished this rough play then OP may be more confident in fostering this friendship.

I’d just say, “sorry other mom, my DD doesn’t want to meet up for a play date.”

That’s it. You’re not saying no, your DD is.

If (unlikely surely) she wants to know why - just say “DD says they don’t really get on that well”

It’s the truth and you’re only the messenger.

Just say your dd doesn't want to, she doesn't seem very friendly with her dd. That's not nasty.

I think you either have to ignore the messages or confront her. I’m a huge coward, hate confrontation etc but honestly if it involves my DC don’t try me. At the end of the day, what’s the worst that can happen? The mum won’t talk to you again? Bonus!!!

I agree with pp saying not to say your dad doesn't want to. This child/mum may make it difficult for her. They may not, but there's a chance.

Children's friends change over the years and I've noticed that of all the children my ds played with in his earlier years at school only 1/2 are still his friends. No falling out, just different interests and have drifted. They may become friends in years to come?

I'd just say you have plans every day for the rest of the holidays. Kids can be fickle so I wouldn't do anything to close any avenues. Just keep making excuses. That's fine. 'thanks for asking but sorry we're busy' is fine to keep repeating.

I wouldn't be blunt because DCs are fickle and they might end up being friends. It could also have an impact on your DD's other friendships if your 'bluntness' gets you a reputation for being rude and unfriendly. It's not that difficult to text 'sorry we're busy' or 'we're having a break from playdates'.

Could you maybe plan to meet at the park for a picnic and play, that way your daughter can play with who and what she likes, and you could maybe drop hints that the two clearly don't get on! Also means you can whizz off when you want, to your 'other plans'.

I don't particularly like the mum either, we are very different people. She's not someone I would ever be friends with. I just want her to leave me alone!

I've tried saying 'I'll let you know when we're free' but nope, that still doesn't stop the badgering.

I get that it must be hard for kids with ASD and their parents but to force children to play with someone who they don't want to or who is physically hurting them - is teaching them a whole lot of wrong.

This mum May tell her daughter this and could cause your daughter lots of grief once school starts. It would almost feel a betrayal of your daughters trust by repeating what she has told you perhaps in confidence

This in bucket loads, your DD will be in school with this girl for the next 5 years. Tread carefully.

Just a hi thanks for the offer, DD is in a few clubs etc over the hols, so doesn’t have much free time. See you at school’

Meet at the park and invite other mums and children

I’m sure I read a thread yesterday from a woman who’s spending her summer texting her DDs best friends mum trying to arrange a play date and the mum keeps making excuses and saying no, OP was desperately sad for her daughter etc, be interesting if it’s the the other mum. I’d just keep making excuses personally, seems unnecessary being rude although I’d be pretty tempted myself

I'm very sorry for those who have children with ASD who are finding it hard to forge friendships. That makes me feel very sad.

With this girl there may well be some undiagnosed issues but even if it were ASD that would not be an issue for me at all, it's the way that the mum deals with it. Friend pinched my daughters back and shoved her, mum then says oh don't be so annoying Sophie, rather than actually reprimanding her.

Geez, I would just be honest with her if she keeps asking. I would say, I’m sorry, but my dd says they don’t always get on and would prefer to not do a play date. Perhaps the mother keeps trying bc she thinks your dd likes her dd. You would be surprised how many parents ignore play date requests are not so interested in agreeing or setting them up, when their kids actually do like the child. I have had this a few times, when the child has actually asked me for play dates and I’ve had to say “I’m sorry, but I’ve asked your mom a few times already...” or for example the friends seek my dd out after school and call out, run to her wanting to play (and playing nicely). But when messaging to set up a play date, no response or lack of interest etc.

Alb1 - oh really?! I haven't seen that thread, it may well be about me

I have the opposite problem... my son, who is not at all pushy and gets on with everyone and is 6, is always keen to play with this boy in his class. He asks every week for a playdate. I have asked his mum and she is always busy . The mum and I get on well and she has confided in me her son is son popular he has to be kept away from being mobbed by the other children. I don't know what to make of this. We have managed one playdate this year.. I try to encourage my son to have other friends instead... as far as I know this kid has very few playdates...

Sounds to me you aren’t keen on the mum and that might be swaying things.
A loud “that’s not kind , stop pulling/pushing/nipping or we will have to go home” should sort out any squabbles with the kids.
They could be best friends in a week, I wouldnt burn bridges.

And also think about them and not just you. Maybe her and her daughter are lonely and she is comfortable with you. Her child obviously likes yours, and she is probably unaware that there any issues between them.. so ignoring her texts etc would just be plain rude and make you look bitchy. She will be wondering what she has done wrong if you keep refusing playing together.

Either get some balls and tell her the truth to her face and try sort it out between the girls or be nice.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a3667582-Am-I-being-precious-about-DD-6-friend#89365370

Itl be obvious if it is as it referres to being cancelled on last minute, which you havnt mentioned so I presume not

If the mother's text badgering is annoying you, since you've already politely said no, then block mother's telephone number on your phone. You won't see her messages then. You can unblock when school restarts, and feign ignorance if/when you see her with a "we were busy already, you know how it is, far too much to fit in"
I wouldn't do any confronting (but I'd also find it irritating to be constantly texted. So I'd remove that annoyance and go about my merry time).

Oh gosh, I did cancel at the last minute but that was actually for a genuine reason that time. I'll have a read through.

No honestly, the way I feel about the mum isn't swaying me at all. If the girl was pleasant and kind I could certainly put my feelings about the mum to one side.

“Thank you for asking! Dad isn’t keen on play dates, I think we’re both really enjoying hanging out together! See you at school”