How to stop requests for play dates?

[Arrow20]

Posting here for traffic.

I have a six year old daughter.

There is a girl in her class who has taken a real shine to her over the last year. The mum of this girl is very keen for them to be friends and play outside of school. I find her to be quite pushy and there have been some issues with this girl, pinching, shoving (not just my daughter) and generally being quite unkind at times.

I have also witnessed this girls behaviour at class parties so it's not just here-say. She's not all bad and can play nicely, but just as quickly can start being quite nasty.

So, the mum has contacted me several times over the summer holidays asking to meet up. I asked my daughter if she wanted to and got a resounding no so have tried to make polite excuses but I am running out of ideas.

The mum has just messaged me again this evening, clearly not getting the hint and I just don't know what to say aside from 'we're busy' yet again.

Is there any polite way of being honest about the situation or am I going to end up offending her? I hate any kind of confrontation but at the same time I'm not going to force my daughter to spend time with someone outside of school who she's just not keen on.

Any ideas please?

Always bear in mind that a week into term they might well be best friends!

I would invite the other girl to join you for something really structured so you can keep an eye on the interaction. Something your dd will enjoy so there’s a pay off for her. The cinema or something. If the other child is struggling with social stuff it’s nice to be kind, so long as your dd doesn’t lose out in any way.

I wish my skin were as thick as the other mums!

A simple 'no sorry, we are away' will settle the matter. Followed by 'see you when school starts. Enjoy your holiday'

Then don't reply to anything further.

You don't need to be annoyed. You're not available, that's the end of it.

You need a diversion OP...Really sorry we can't play but do you know sarahs mum? Well she was saying the other day she would like some play dates ..why dont you give her a call see if she is free? I do this often but I also message sarahs mum before as she is very up front and no nonsense in her responses.I said I can;t get rid of kates mum asking for bloody play dates can I pass her on to you? Oh yeah course give her my number,...I never heard anything again! Or another option if she gets in touch again say something like I was reading that this event is happening or somewhere is holding a holidy club maybe try there ....anything is good to suggest without you having to commit to seeing them!! Divert her attention from you to something else if you see what I mean.Or again be honest say sorry Joanne I am way too busy for play dates I have planned alot of things here for our family and I just cant fit you in ..really sorry but its all been planned in advance,See you in september at school....then stop replying you have said your bit and are done with the conversation!

By nature I'm not a pushy person at all and this probably radiates out, so people like her think they can just push and push until they get what they want.

She's messaged again this morning as she knows I take my daughter to a gymnastics class on a Sunday and then we always go to a soft play centre down the road after. It's a routine we've had for almost two years, my daughter really enjoys it, as do I. It's a nice way to spend a Sunday.

She said oh we'll see you in there at midday! So now what shall I do? It seems wholly unfair not to take my daughter in an attempt to avoid this woman. I'm on the verge of exploding which is not like me at all

For goodness sake, stop overthinking this!

If the other mum mentions going to soft play or anything else just tell her, “sorry can’t today, we’re busy”. Rinse and repeat ....

This woman is an emotional vampire - take back control!

Text her back and say "oh sorry, we have other plays today". Then take your DD somewhere else. The park, out for lunch, cinema, or even just go home and have a nice time together maybe baking and having lunch outside?

Sounds like you just can't fob her off any more. You need to say really clearly that your DD doesn't want to spend time with hers outside school, so can we please leave it at that and maybe things will change in the future

Just thinking from the other side..My ds who has sen is always asking me to arrange a play date with the girl he sees as his best friend. But almost every time I ask (maybe every few months) the mother says they can’t. I’m wondering if the girl doesn’t really want to be friends with my son. I find having to pass on the various excuses to my son makes him sad and I honestly think I’d rather the mother told me honestly (if it is the case) ‘sorry but [dd] doesn’t want to have a play date with your son because xyz’. That way I could gently steer my son away from expectations of the friendship. Or even work on fixing whatever the problem is that makes her not want to have play dates.

So I would find a way to be honest if you can.

OMG this woman is HILARIOUS @Arrow20 😂

Chat to your daughter before soft play.
Tell her that if this other child pinches, pushes, is unkind l or hurts her to come STRAIGHT to you and tell you. I have no doubt that you will have the other mum sitting with you 😂.

The second your daughter tells you what's happened you leave.

Tell her in advance this is what's going to happen to avoid a meltdown. Tell her that if you have to leave then you will go home via somewhere like a supermarket for a magazine or McDonald's for a treat or SOMEWHERE. Let her know BEFORE soft play that if she isn't comfortable there's a different treat on the way home.

When your daughter tells you or, if you see the other child being unkind, don't let the other mother diminish her child's behaviours. Say "I'm sorry but this is why my child has been rejecting your requests recently" and leave. Don't let ANYTHING stop you making your exit.

Good luck x

Go to the soft play as usual.
If there is a problem with the other girl's behaviour you can point it out to the friend and her mum there and then.
If she pushes your daughter or similar just say "no that's not acceptable behaviour. DD does not want to play like that".
If she wants another playdate point out about the previous pushing and decline.

Here’s a text:

“Honestly I think it would be very awkward if you bring X along to the soft play. DD has made it clear she does not want to play with X at the moment, and I’m not going to push her on this. Obviously your choice what to do, but I wanted to warn you that DD is unlikely to play with X at the soft play, as I wouldn’t want X to be upset.”

“OMG this woman is HILARIOUS”

Actually- she sounds to me like someone desperately worried about their child.

Ok, we're going. I will absolutely intervene if anything happens, which based on past experiences, is likely.

I'll update later if anyone is even remotely interested!

Bloody hell its relentless! Ok so if she’s coming to the soft play, hopefully that will appease her for a bit. Or maybe not!??

Interesting you said about her daughter putting her hands over her ears when being reprimanded. My two have ASD and they do this to block out any demands or something they don’t want to acknowledge. However they don’t pinch push or scratch other kids.

It’s not just about intervening if something happens - it’s also about making sure DD knows she doesn’t have to play with X if she doesn’t want to. Maybe demonstrate to her how to be polite but distant, how to walk away if X is bothering her, make sure she knows you’ll back her up?

Ok, we're going. I will absolutely intervene if anything happens, which based on past experiences, is likely.

Are you crazy? Don't fall into her trap.

Do not respond and go somewhere else today. And respond later 'Oh didn't see this. You know what they say about assuming! Hope your DD had fun'.

Shamelessly place-marking this thread to see how it turns out

I think you're unintentionally setting up some type of confrontation here which could cause an over-reaction.

I would really change your plans today and go to park after dance instead (it's nice out), then soft play another time, maybe a later session this afternoon.

It won't hurt DD to do a different activity for once, routines shouldn't be that rigidly adhered to that you can't ever change them temporarily. But.... a "set-to" with her friend or between mums followed by a cut short walk out from soft play will affect her (+ you and the other family).

These are not teenagers , who need to clear the air, you've already said your piece, they are 6 year olds, these things can move on or blow over in time, if nothing major happens.

And you'll feel uncomfortable waiting for something to happen. And worse, What if it doesn't happen?? Your DD has already told you that she doesn't want to play with other DD so suddenly ...with your knowledge... she's got a forced playdate at soft play?
You don't fly into a storm if you can help it.

I strongly suggest you don't acknowledge latest text nor reply to the other mum, she's ignoring your wishes, just leave it be and go elsewhere. She'll learn she can't shoe-horn you and you'll avoid a confrontation or suddenly being pulled into more unwanted playdates.

It won't hurt DD to do a different activity for once, routines shouldn't be that rigidly adhered to that you can't ever change them temporarily. But.... a "set-to" with her friend or between mums followed by a cut short walk out from soft play will affect her (+ you and the other family).

Plus it makes the stalkers work just a little bit harder...

Is your DD happy to go? She's said several times she doesn't want to see this child? Why are you going?

Don’t be blunt. Just keep saying ‘we already have plans’ and, if necessary, just don’t reply. It will work.

Don’t go to soft play. Do something else. The message will sink in.

I think the mum will corner you and create a scene.

I’d avoid as well

A quick ‘sorry were going to grandmas for lunch today, see you at school’