How to stop requests for play dates?

[Arrow20]

Posting here for traffic.

I have a six year old daughter.

There is a girl in her class who has taken a real shine to her over the last year. The mum of this girl is very keen for them to be friends and play outside of school. I find her to be quite pushy and there have been some issues with this girl, pinching, shoving (not just my daughter) and generally being quite unkind at times.

I have also witnessed this girls behaviour at class parties so it's not just here-say. She's not all bad and can play nicely, but just as quickly can start being quite nasty.

So, the mum has contacted me several times over the summer holidays asking to meet up. I asked my daughter if she wanted to and got a resounding no so have tried to make polite excuses but I am running out of ideas.

The mum has just messaged me again this evening, clearly not getting the hint and I just don't know what to say aside from 'we're busy' yet again.

Is there any polite way of being honest about the situation or am I going to end up offending her? I hate any kind of confrontation but at the same time I'm not going to force my daughter to spend time with someone outside of school who she's just not keen on.

Any ideas please?

She replied saying that the girls are best friends and that her daughter could be a bit annoying but couldn't help it so therefore can we still meet up?

"Thanks for acknowledging the difficulties Schoolmum, but the 'annoying' behaviour includes DD being pinched & shoved by your daughter, so DD doesn't feel they are friends.
As you say your daughter "can't help it", it's better that they don't have any play dates until your daughter can manage to stop being physical with her."

That stops the immediate badgering, & ensures YOU are taking the fall for the decision, not DD. It also opens up a return to friendship in the unlikely event DD changes her mind or the behaviour is improved.

I wouldn't dream of going to the soft play.

The truth is with people that are this pushy, the really don't care at all about what anyone else wants.

It's all about their needs being met.

She's harrassing you and trying to grind you down into doing what she wants.

After your last message, I would cease replying.

Do not give the conversation any more oxygen.

It would copper fasten my position and determination not to be pressurized.

I would also be prepared for her being unpleasant. That's what usually happens when this type of person does not get what they want. They turn on you and become nasty. Keep copies of everything for the school, in case you need them.

You've probably already gone, but if I were in your shoes, I'd explain to DD what has happened and give her the option to do something else instead of soft play. It's not really fair that you have to change your routine, but a change is as good as a rest and it will show stalky mum that she can't just impose herself on you.

I'd be pissed off with all of this. She clearly isn't taking the hint and is putting you and your DD in an awkward situation. If she wants to be offended, that's her problem. In the meantime, just keep saying you're busy. You don't have to explain yourself any further.

Wow, she sounds completely pushy and unlikeable!

I hope your dd was ok with it?

We didn’t go to soft play, I read the comments and realised it was a bad idea. I didn’t reply to her message this morning when she said ‘we’re going to soft play, see you there’ so no plan had been made in my eyes, rather she invited herself.

Other mum then messaged me, clearly irritated, asking where we were, at which point I said we were seeing family this afternoon. She then said that her daughter was really upset and that I should have told her rather than not turning up!

Honestly the cheek of the woman, how have I ended up as the bad guy here?! I haven’t responded, I’m too mad. should I even bother at this point?

I’m starting to feel uneasy about the start of school now. I know I’m overthinking this, but I just really don’t like how this is playing out. I really wish I wasn’t such a bloody coward and could just put her straight.

Are you really going to soft play to be ambushed by this mum?

I would have replied along the lines of "no, she doesn't want to meet up and I'm not going to force her. She doesn't find being shoved/grabbed/pinched annoying, she finds it very upsetting."

You haven't been blunt enough and you've missed your chance now.

I think the other woman has gone past the point where you have to be polite and I would tell her the answer is no, my DD does not want a playdate with yours because they are not friends and your DD is physically aggressive. Then ignore any further messages.

Goodl luck, OP.

I would try to remain low key at the soft play if you go, though. Calm but firm if things go pear-shaped. They are not 'best friends', and they won't ever be if her daughter cannot rein in her behaviour, and pushing it won't change that.

Oh God, what a nightmare. Some people just won't take the hint and FUCK OFF!

Just read your last post - definitely time to tell her the truth and then block.

Ok, just read your update. I think her behaviour here must show you, you did the right thing.

"We didn't arrange a meet up. I told you dd doesn't want to and I'm not going to force her."

I would also add about your dd finding being pinched/shoved upsetting rather than annoying and that she doesn't consider them best friends at all, but that's just me.

But absolutely reply and be firm. This is a perfect opportunity to shut it down.

How many messages has she sent over the last few weeks?

I think you now need to be blunt and say that your DD doesn’t want to play with darling Sophie due to her behaviour. You’ve tried to be polite and decline getting together, but due to the tone of the latest message you won’t be seeking to accommodate any play dates going forward.

That's a very good point Who

Why won't some people just fuck off?! Seriously, I just find this behaviour so bizarre and far removed from anything I would do or have experienced before.

Do these people genuinely have no idea how they're coming across?

Other mum then messaged me, clearly irritated, asking where we were, at which point I said we were seeing family this afternoon. She then said that her daughter was really upset and that I should have told her rather than not turning up!

" ... but Schoolmum, we hadn't arranged to meet, so obviously it wouldn't occur to me to update you about my plans!"

& when she bites back - which we all know by now she will -
I really wish I wasn’t such a bloody coward and could just put her straight. - you have your chance to put her straight.
"No Schoolmum, I'm uncomfortable seeing DD pinched & shoved, & because you texted that your daughter can't help herself doing so, it's better not to arrange playdates until she has learned how to not be physical with other children."

Again - that leaves DD off the hook, because it is YOUR decision.
You cannot just let this run on & on until school restarts, because all you will be creating is a resumption of the exact same situation. You need to take charge now.

I would say she's sent one or two messages per week over the holidays. Aside from the week we were actually on holiday so I had a genuine excuse!

Last school year she would generally make a bee line for me at pick up, hence I caved a couple of times because I can't think of an excuse quick enough when cornered in person!

Do these people genuinely have no idea how they're coming across?

None whatsoever. Schoolmum won't correct her child, demands that you accept the pinching & shoving because her daughter "can't help it", & won't stop her demands to impose herslef on you.

Which is why you have to spell it out to her in words she cannot avoid or diminish. "Your child will pinch or shove mine, you refuse to correct the behaviour, I am not tolerating it."

OP, what messolini says

... but Schoolmum, we hadn't arranged to meet, so obviously it wouldn't occur to me to update you about my plans

@Arrow20
Sounds like the mum might have some difficulty. Just confirm you had no plan to meet up any your sorry if she feels there was a miscommunication. Say that you will not have free time to meet before school starts and block her

Sounds from one of your earlier comments she wants to still meet with you have I picked that up wrong? Maybe she’s pushing as desperate for friends herself and you have shown kindness esp if she has difficulty reading social cues?

I can't think of an excuse quick enough when cornered in person

"Sorry, that doesn't work for us"
"No, we have other plans today"
"No, were having family time this evening"
right up until -
"No, I don't want to see DD pinched & shoved again."

I have a 6 year old DD and I wouldn't force her to play with someone she didn't want to. Nothing wrong with telling the truth, ask your DD if she wants to play with this girl, if she says no then there's your answer.

'Sorry, DD doesn't want to today' is fine IMO. You don't need to make excuses.

Playground requests - 'I'll ask DD and see what she says'

If you want to send one last message, maybe say something like "I hadn't made any arrangements to meet you at soft play today, and we won't be arranging any play dates over the holidays." Then block her.
I think that mentioning anything about the girl's behaviour may result in more messages from her mum either minimising the behaviour, or trying for a pity play date. She needs to hear something unambiguous that she can't argue with, so no reasons, just "no, that's not going to happen".

I would chuck my hand in and text back...excuse me ..I dont mean to be rude but I made no firm arrangements with you ...I don't have to answer to anyone on what I do or where I go...then cease any further communication...sod her shes no friend to you nor do you need her so she can well just sod off....you will only have to do it once OP..

And I'd definitely avoid the birthday party. The mum needs a very clear message with no deviations.