How to stop requests for play dates?

[Arrow20]

Posting here for traffic.

I have a six year old daughter.

There is a girl in her class who has taken a real shine to her over the last year. The mum of this girl is very keen for them to be friends and play outside of school. I find her to be quite pushy and there have been some issues with this girl, pinching, shoving (not just my daughter) and generally being quite unkind at times.

I have also witnessed this girls behaviour at class parties so it's not just here-say. She's not all bad and can play nicely, but just as quickly can start being quite nasty.

So, the mum has contacted me several times over the summer holidays asking to meet up. I asked my daughter if she wanted to and got a resounding no so have tried to make polite excuses but I am running out of ideas.

The mum has just messaged me again this evening, clearly not getting the hint and I just don't know what to say aside from 'we're busy' yet again.

Is there any polite way of being honest about the situation or am I going to end up offending her? I hate any kind of confrontation but at the same time I'm not going to force my daughter to spend time with someone outside of school who she's just not keen on.

Any ideas please?

Good response. I think you were clear but without bringing a lot of emotion into it.

I think I would have let her know you weren't going to be there as would have anticipated the daughter being disappointed. While the mother has crossed a line here into embarrassing batshit territory, I still have sympathy for the girl. Would probably have met in a public place with other people and given her a final chance as suggested way upthread before things escalated!

i dont understand the posters saying the op should meet up with her. Why?
Her DD don't like the child. The op dosent particularly like the mum. Game over.
I would have told her straight then got on with it. Life is too short to be worrying about what this random woman thinks of you.

🤦‍♀️

Would probably have met in a public place with other people..
But OP's DD said she didn't want a playdate with OtherDD. I do think we ought give our DC some agency over who they like or don't, or play with, within reason. OtherDD would have latched onto her anyway even in a group. DD isn't being mean, she's protecting herself and if OP had arranged to meet up regardless, it creates a poor message. Especially important for girls who are more vulnerable to their No not being taken account of. (But boys too..., it's just girls have lots of messages about placating others at their own expense).

Great response op. Re whattaapp you don't get notified when someone blocks you but you can work it out, any message you send them will only show 1 tick to show it was sent but not delivered. Just ignore from here on in. You have dealt with it perfectly.

mcmooberry
I think I would have let her know you weren't going to be there as would have anticipated the daughter being disappointed. While the mother has crossed a line here into embarrassing batshit territory, I still have sympathy for the girl. Would probably have met in a public place with other people and given her a final chance as suggested way upthread before things escalated!

I couldn't disagree more. My sympathy is entirely with the OP's DD who the other girl is known to pinch and shove. If she was disappointed, maybe she will learn an important lesson from this and since OP hadn't agreed to meet them at softplay it wasn't necessary to tell the mother they would not be going. The other girl has been given enough chances and why should the OP place her DD in harm's way yet again?

OP, don't feel you have to decide about Other DD's party until a week or so into term. 4 weeks before party I'd say, let it all play out before then. If it's a small party though, I'd be inclined to decline in this instance saying So sorry, thanks for.imvitr but we are busy / away that day".

Attending a whole class party is a different dynamic, wouldn't be hypocritical and might ease a few thing back to distant (polite) friendly classmates.

She's not going to get the message unless you spell it out - the excuses just encourage her to be more persistant because she doesn't know there's a problem ...because noone has told her.

It's not rude to explain calmly that the child is too violent for your daughter to want to play with.

Gawd - it’s like she thinks you are standing in the way of a beautiful friendship. She may herself be slow at getting the message as she can’t tell that your dd not being super assertive doesn’t mean that she isn’t bothered about being shoved and pinched.

I do wonder why she thinks her dd can’t help it and what advice she’s had on that...

You could actually use that line

‘DD doesn’t want to be friends, she can’t help it’

I don't get the issue. Why can't people just be honest. Just say her child's behaviour isn't acceptable and for they reason you don't want to meet. It's really not hard.

I’m a coward so I wouldn’t be blunt - also kids do change friendship groups so don’t close the door.
I would say sorry - cousins are staying until school starts and we’re booked up.
If you keep up the dc uses she WILL eventually get the hint.

If there are multiple admins on the class FB then message the others (if you get on with them) and ask their advice.

OP Is she from the UK?

Is there a possibility it’s a language or cultural thing?

I'd just be honest, or at least mostly honest and say I'm sorry I've asked and she doesn't want to, maybe tag on doesn't want to miss out on family time, if you want to soften the blow. It'll hurt, but being honest without being rude should put an end to requests and she can ask someone else instead.

Good suggestion from. @CarrotVan
If this mum behaves this overbearingly with others she will alieniate a few classmate/mum's anyway, even if she is only admin. So if that doesn't work, then make your own FB page or whatsapp group starting with mums you know and like.

For those PPs saying it's not rocket science and to be blunt and upfront, well, I have explained with good reason, why I disagree to that as a long term sensible plan, when your DDs might be in schools together 13+ years. Confrontation works when you can walk away, but neither your DD nor you can, you'll continue to bump into each other. And be at same parties. So I'd only confront, via school who do subtle, if it was outrageous bullying. In this situ, I'd avoid and do the suggestions I and others made, to deflect this going into something that escalates unnecessarily.

Ignoring & avoiding, not confronting, unless teachers need to, is your best strategy when it comes to DC's journey through school, deflecting bad friendships and taking up good ones, and will help.with social inclusion in school. Never make an enemy when you can walk on by them and avoid playdates with them.

Placing myself here for gossip

@Arrow20 She sounds absolutely crazy, instead of just turning round to her DD and saying "friend is busy till back to school, never mind me and you can go out for a nice mummy daughter day" shes going to the end of the earth and trying to invade your personal Sunday date with your child just to make her own happy!?

Has the little girl got ASD, she sounds like my niece who is on the spectrum! She also covers her ears when told of, she only nips hits and pushes family though but is also besotted with 1 girl in her class and doesn't really have any other friends, Not that it would be any excuse for her to do what she does to your DD xx

Bat crap crazy

It is possible that she is on the spectrum and the mum is trying to make her have friends..

But I don’t think the mum is excused to barge on someone else’a plane. I think if she is keen on her dushhger making friend she can just arrange play dates at her own house. And put extra effort with the kids

It is possible that she is on the spectrum and the mum is trying to make her have friends.

Is it possible the mum is on the spectrum? She may be oblivious to social cues?

It's be entirely different of OtherMum said "my DD is autistic or on the spectrum and I will step in when your DD is getting hurt by mine, but we appreciate your friendship efforts, please can you help?".

OtherMum hasn't and won't. Because, her DD is unlikely to have SEN, this is a scenario that lots of parents experience from 6 year old friends who haven't learnt buy saries and a re about handsy and bullying
(I've given a very good example & it's not an unusual situ)

I don't think it's for MNers to diagnose a child from afar, but to listen to what OP has shared. It's for OtherMum to share IF her child has SEN. And even then, it's still up to OP's DD.

• boundaries not "buy saries " 🙄

But it’s true what if the mum herself is ASD? And so her boundary pushing is simply lack of awareness of subtle social cues and hints?

Maybe it is only polite to just say the truth kindly. And Stop hinting.

Very difficult but it’s kinder ?

“I will let you know when DD feels like playing out with yours, kids go through moods and right now she doesn’t feel up for it as your dd had been rough with her. Hope they figure it out!”