How to stop requests for play dates?

[Arrow20]

Posting here for traffic.

I have a six year old daughter.

There is a girl in her class who has taken a real shine to her over the last year. The mum of this girl is very keen for them to be friends and play outside of school. I find her to be quite pushy and there have been some issues with this girl, pinching, shoving (not just my daughter) and generally being quite unkind at times.

I have also witnessed this girls behaviour at class parties so it's not just here-say. She's not all bad and can play nicely, but just as quickly can start being quite nasty.

So, the mum has contacted me several times over the summer holidays asking to meet up. I asked my daughter if she wanted to and got a resounding no so have tried to make polite excuses but I am running out of ideas.

The mum has just messaged me again this evening, clearly not getting the hint and I just don't know what to say aside from 'we're busy' yet again.

Is there any polite way of being honest about the situation or am I going to end up offending her? I hate any kind of confrontation but at the same time I'm not going to force my daughter to spend time with someone outside of school who she's just not keen on.

Any ideas please?

I don’t think it’s fair to assume everyone who pushes boundaries are being deliberate or unhinged. There are many people out there who are socially naive

She has already made it clear that the hurting has upset her daughter. It's been made clear and ignored.

Oh I missed that bit!! Ok i Have no idea what more can be done.

It's been made clear and ignored
Actually the mother dismissed it as ‘can’t be helped’ rather than I’m trying to deal with her impulsiveness

I used to get this with ds. Repeat invitations for play dates. He is friendly and pleasant (hence quite popular and receives invitations) at school but is actually an introvert so doesn't want to see friends outside school in his down time. In my experience you just need to keep giving those excuses until they get the hint. Sometimes you might have to do this half a dozen times before they give up. There is nothing to be gained by honesty in these situations (other than hurt feelings and potentially causing offence). Keep going with the face saving excuses

How about just be more assertive when the little girl is playing with your daughter. If she does anything unkind...give her mum a second to reprimand her and if she doesn't, you do it. "No Alice, we don't push each other in our house, it's not kind". Children often react better being reprimanded by another grown up to their own parent. I've told many a child off if the parent hasn't stepped in. I can't help myself. I won't let my little boy get away with that type of behaviour, so why would I someone elses. Let your daughter see you will defend her and have her back. Empower her.

Also if the mum is furious you had the audacity to criticise her child, then she may herself back off

My dd is grown up now but I remember a similar problem. A girl in reception was completely consuming dd and not allowing her any space or other friends. The mum was very keen on the friendship but dd (and therefore me also) was not.

I said she wasn’t doing play dates with anyone for the time being as she wasn’t enjoying them.

Be polite but the main concern is to back what your dd wants. If they take umbrage at a polite no thanks, then tough tbh.

I have a friend with a son who has some issues that have caused him to be unkind to my child. I tolerated it for so long as I was trying to be understanding and also teaching my child to be tolerant but then I realised how much it was upsetting my dc. We were staying with the family at the time which made it extra awkward but I was honest with my friend and said that my child was upset by her sons behaviour and we needed some space and ended up quite amicably having a day apart. Since then I have continued to be honest and explained that my dc was still reluctant to get together. Gradually we have reintroduced them but only with my dc’s agreement and they are now getting on again much better although there is still some way to go.
So my suggestion would be honesty. Say that your child has been upset by some of her childs actions and you feel it would be better for them to have a break from each other for a while. That way you are not burning any bridges and leave the way open for them to get together again at some point but on your daughters terms not her friends or her mothers.

Just ignore her messages. Its probably the easiest way.

Well done op😀🌸🌻.she gave you no option,you were pushed into a corner.you've stood up to her and in a perfectly good straightforward way.

Just say that the holidays are going so fast it’s all a little manic at our house at the moment (lol) we’re so busy! Probably won’t be able to arrange anything before we go back to school but if things change we’ll let you know. If she still contacts after this ignore messages. X

If she tries to talk to you after school, be prepared to say that the problem is that she thinks pinching, shoving and unkindness is just annoying behaviour, whereas for the recipient it is verging on bullying, and unfortunately until this sort of behaviour is addressed properly her daughter is going to continue to have problems finding people who want to play with her.

Hi OP,

It sounds like you’ve already done well standing up to her, I just wanted to encourage you down this route.

IMO, when you say you are a coward/no good at confrontation, what you are saying is that you value your right to not get into an uncomfortable confrontation over your child’s right to be protected.

I don’t mean that to sound harsh, I just speak from experience- my lovely mum is the non confrontational type, and we grew up with her letting children we didn’t like come over, and defending the other child in an argument. Even now my sister and I agree that was her only failing as a parent and made us feel undervalued. She lacks the defensive, mama bear instinct and we noticed it.

You have to set your own comfort and feelings aside when it comes to your child- you may not like standing up for yourself, but you should always stand up for them.

It sounds like you’ve done well though OP: keep it up!

Think you have done the right thing OP, hope that there’s no more drama. She sounds a bloody nightmare.

I'm exactly the same as you @Arrow20 , always needing to avoid confrontation is really debilitating!! I hate it but I can't change and get myself in a right pickle trying to avoid offending people! On the rare occasions I have been brave enough to just stand up and confront the situation have been liberating!! I think this is one of those situations if this woman can't take he hint!

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Just read through this thread and can't believe the mum just keeps persisting! Hope you're rid of her now, OP.

@Arrow20 hope she’s left you alone now?

Any updates OP?