How to stop requests for play dates?

[Arrow20]

Posting here for traffic.

I have a six year old daughter.

There is a girl in her class who has taken a real shine to her over the last year. The mum of this girl is very keen for them to be friends and play outside of school. I find her to be quite pushy and there have been some issues with this girl, pinching, shoving (not just my daughter) and generally being quite unkind at times.

I have also witnessed this girls behaviour at class parties so it's not just here-say. She's not all bad and can play nicely, but just as quickly can start being quite nasty.

So, the mum has contacted me several times over the summer holidays asking to meet up. I asked my daughter if she wanted to and got a resounding no so have tried to make polite excuses but I am running out of ideas.

The mum has just messaged me again this evening, clearly not getting the hint and I just don't know what to say aside from 'we're busy' yet again.

Is there any polite way of being honest about the situation or am I going to end up offending her? I hate any kind of confrontation but at the same time I'm not going to force my daughter to spend time with someone outside of school who she's just not keen on.

Any ideas please?

So many good responses, thank you everyone

Oh, I've just reread namechange92's text. If you've already spelt it out like that, then you've nothing further to lose by saying "No thankyou" on repeat.

I'm positive that this won't be the end of this saga. I'll update again if she still doesn't back off. She's certainly thick skinned.

You could say I’m sorry I generally let dd ask for play dates as it’s important to let meds’ form their own social relationships.

Just say ‘Well they aren’t best friends. She happy to play in school. Thanks for the offer. See you September’

Wait for knock at the door

The girl also has a birthday at the beginning of October - we received an invite through the post about six weeks ago! Daughter would like to go but obviously there will be a lot of other kids there too rather than specifically wanting to see the birthday girl.

Given everything, should she be going to this? Is it right that I'm saying no thanks to all suggested meet ups but yes she'll come to a fun party? Seems a bit like double standards.

It's strangely stressful when people won't stop texting even though you can just ignore it.

But this DM sounds crackers, and she intends to get this playdate!

To be honest if you sent NameChanges message and she’s still pushing for the playdate, it’s unlikely that any further explanation from you will receive the same response.
You have fairly explained your position and would not be unreasonable to stick with “No, thank you” going forward

You see it shouldn’t be this hard! Kids party honor don’t go, but yet this woman is taking up your head space. Constantly.

Worry about that closer to the time.

I can guarantee this parent will io her game and then turn into a complete bitch about you and your daughter.

Rise above it.

Broken - I know, I hate it! I really don't appreciate the intrusion. Even the school push for parents to have class WhatsApp groups and FB pages - it's awful

God this thread is so outing too, if the mum is on MN then I'm screwed but I think that ship has sailed. I'm fairly certain we are not involved in the 'Bella' thread though.

I do have a feeling she could turn a bit nasty about all of this though. I'd hate my daughter to be ostracised at school or by other mums/kids because of this.

Ok, no one needs a reply to Oct birthday party until Sept unless it's a very unusual party . You got plenty of time.... is it a whole class type party? Abso fine to go, if it's an 8 DCs or less party and if your DD doesn't like her, then you ought make up a reason you can't go , as that's not fair, and let her mum know in first week of term.
It's ok to pull back a little, and let your DD be at friend level she wants to be at the moment with this other girl. It's not up to other girl's mum to square peg her & you into her being her DD's BFF if that's not what your DD wants nor feels.

Is it typical behaviour? I've not encountered this with any other child. Pretty harsh to say my daughter won't have any friends because of me. I'm only looking out for her wellbeing.

Given your updates and the fact that this person seems to have such a thick skin I personally would write a reply such as:
" thanks for your messages and photos. DD is a little bit unsure about playing with Emily as the last few times Emily has pushed and pinched her and this has made her feel frightened. I am reluctant to organise meeting up until it is what DD feels happy with. I hope you understand and have a lovely summer holiday. If things improve between them in year 2 I am sure DD will let me know"

I would find this a hard message to send but on balance I would feel I had to stand up for my daughter.

Sorry I now.have my first rtft shame as you sent name changes excellent message already.

I would reply
" No I won't be arranging a meet up until DD feels more comfortable with your DD.". Any further response would be met with a simple " no" or 'we are not available"

I would just ignore future messages from her tbh. You’ve given her the answer which she doesn’t like but that isn’t your issue.

I would just leave it. If she continues to contact you, leave it ten days before replying and send your last message again. And repeat.

Regarding the birthday party, personally I would not accept the invitation. I’d feel like a hypocrite.

@Arrow20
Best to ignore "FuckFace"'s post, it's 🙄 ... Somewhat reads as if it's unlikely they've been drinking coffee all night. Anyway, it's late and no amount of caffeine can keep my eyes open any more. 😁

“Will let you know when dd feels like having a play date. Right now it feels like I’m imposing it on her and she isn’t keen”.

@FuckFacePlatapus - I'm curious why you think OP is being mean? Her DD has said she doesn't want to play with the girl and OP has seen the girl being rough with her. Why should OP force her DD to play with her?

genuinely don't understand this. A child is pulling your child's hair, shoving and making them miserable...but in order not to offend the poor darling and the mum, your own child can just suck it up and take the beatings, toy snatching etc? What if that one "chance" is a really nasty incident?

What if that chance is a really nice day out? As adults it’s up to us to watch the kids and teach them they are being rough/rude. There are so many selfish people on mumsnet I can only assume it’s the anonymous forum that allows them to be as no one in real life lives the mumsnet selfishness mantra

As adults it’s up to us to watch the kids and teach them they are being rough/rude

Well that’s the issue isn’t it? Friends mum doesn’t step up and teach the child. It isn’t OPs or DD job to correct and parent this child.

The parent is failing her by not teaching her and the natural consequences of that is other children avoiding her.

"sorry, DD has said no thank you". Not sure what else you need to say.

Good grief. What part of 'no' don't some people understand?

I’d just tell her: “I don’t think this needs to be shared with your DD but my DD has said she doesn’t want to. Obviously that may mean something has changed for her, and when they catch up after the holidays it might change again, but I’m going to go with her wishes for now. Have a lovely holiday!”