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Original poster

How to stop requests for play dates?

271 replies

Arrow20 · 17/08/2019 18:56

Posting here for traffic.

I have a six year old daughter.

There is a girl in her class who has taken a real shine to her over the last year. The mum of this girl is very keen for them to be friends and play outside of school. I find her to be quite pushy and there have been some issues with this girl, pinching, shoving (not just my daughter) and generally being quite unkind at times.

I have also witnessed this girls behaviour at class parties so it's not just here-say. She's not all bad and can play nicely, but just as quickly can start being quite nasty.

So, the mum has contacted me several times over the summer holidays asking to meet up. I asked my daughter if she wanted to and got a resounding no so have tried to make polite excuses but I am running out of ideas.

The mum has just messaged me again this evening, clearly not getting the hint and I just don't know what to say aside from 'we're busy' yet again.

Is there any polite way of being honest about the situation or am I going to end up offending her? I hate any kind of confrontation but at the same time I'm not going to force my daughter to spend time with someone outside of school who she's just not keen on.

Any ideas please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Arrow20 · 17/08/2019 20:50

She comes at me from every angle. Facebook, text, WhatsApp!

What happens when you block someone from WhatsApp? I could always delete my FB account. Desperate times and all that

OP posts:
Mygaff · 17/08/2019 20:50

I would just ignore the texts..surely she will get the hint?

EileenAlanna · 17/08/2019 20:53

There's an "Isobel" thread on MN atm which if memory serves me well is very similar to this situation although the kids are a little older now, about 9 I think. "Isobel" is generally disliked because of similar problems & most of the other kids don't want her around. Isobel's mother is currently being an absolute dick about her little darling. There was another thread about a mother pestering another mum to get her 17 yo DD to essentially arrange "playdates" with her own 17/18 yo DS who has absolutely no friends after being similarly entitled & bratty to all the other kids at school while his mum did nothing to make him behave & now seems to have suddenly realised what bad choices she made regarding his behaviour.
The classmate's mother has possibly begun to realise her child has no friends & is looking to force a friendship on your DD. If you feel you're up to it tell the other mum straight that her DD's bad behaviour is the reason. No need to go overboard or be unpleasant about it but enough to let her know how the land lies. If she can take that on board & address/intervene when her DD behaves badly then there may be hope, but ultimately she's mainly responsible for how her DD is likely to end up. It's not your problem & certainly not your DD's.

QueefLatifah · 17/08/2019 20:54

Why don’t you out just yet be honest instead of ghosting the poor woman who has no idea what her or her daughter have done to deserve that? If her daughter is asking constantly to see yours, that’s really unkind to leave her in limbo.

Just be bloody honest

Yika · 17/08/2019 20:57

Don't be too blunt. I would be vague but firm e.g. 'Thanks a lot for asking but unfortunately we're not really up for play dates at the moment, for one reason and another.'

Original poster
Arrow20 · 17/08/2019 20:57

But it's hard to know what to do for the best!

On here, some have said ignore, some have said be blunt, others make excuses, others encourage the friendship, other don't burn bridges!

All valid points.

OP posts:
Joh66 · 17/08/2019 20:58

Be kind.

QueefLatifah · 17/08/2019 21:01

It’s really not that hard.

“ DD said she isn’t up for meeting at the moment, let’s see how their friendship pans out over the next few weeks when school is back, you know what girls can be like!”

Unless you are enjoying the chase, put the poor woman out of her misery so she can tell her daughter that it’s not happening

Missingstreetlife · 17/08/2019 21:02

Ann Dixon. A woman in her own right. Brilliant.

breaconoptimist · 17/08/2019 21:09

My dd has a lot of trouble with a girl pinching, slapping etc at school and I wondered why the school didn’t do more - they told my dd to try and stay away from her more.

Now I see - my second dd is unable to understand that she’s hurting people, she’s told no every time but she still does it when she’s overstimulated, we have referrals in and the girl my elder dd has issues with has SEN (I didn’t know at the time): long story short, I’d try for kind but honest, because the girl needs to stop doing that so that she could be friends.

It sounds as though the mum is trying to help her dd but not tackling the problem of why her dd doesn’t have friends from the first problem - that she’s rough with other kids.

cheesydoesit · 17/08/2019 21:12

What do you say when her DD pushes and hurts yours? Do you call it out in the moment?

NameChange92 · 17/08/2019 21:12

Be honest, but refer to specific behaviours rather than saying e.g. your dd doesn’t like her, I.e. say something like “dd was upset by xx pushing and pinching her last time we saw you and doesn’t want to have a play date with her at the moment. Let’s leave it until they’re back at school and if they’re getting along better we can arrange a play date then.”

It’s the decent thing to do and also gives the little girl/ her Mum a chance to learn the consequences of her behaviour.

TrainspottingWelsh · 17/08/2019 21:14

I’d be honest and explain exactly why dd doesn’t want to play with her, i.e the hitting etc, and that she needs reassurance that things are in place so she isn’t on the receiving end. Ideally in a phone call as a text saying such would sound too blunt and critical. Along with some reassurance from you that it’s not a criticism of her parenting because they all learn things at different times etc etc.

If her mum is the type who thinks other children should just tolerate whatever her bad tempered spoilt princess does then she’ll stop badgering you. Or if it’s the result of sn/ problems at home/ or the mum is just a bit clueless then she needs to be aware that without some intervention other children will increasingly avoid hers.

Either way, the truth is kinder than her thinking her dd is generally unliked. And lots easier for you and your dd

JemSynergy · 17/08/2019 21:15

I wouldn't be rude or unkind, it is so unnecessary. I would just say I was on holiday over the school hols or that my child was staying at grandparents.

Original poster
Arrow20 · 17/08/2019 21:16

Interesting to hear your perspective breacon thanks

So when she pushes, the mum usually comments very quickly before I can get a word in - saying oh don't be annoying.

I have once intervened, I told her firmly to stop. Her reaction was interesting, she jumped back and put her hands over her ears. I certainly didn't shout but she knew I meant business.

I guess I just find it stressful but the overriding factor here is that my daughter just doesn't want to spend time with her. That is the elephant in the room - my kid doesn't like yours

OP posts:
givemesteel · 17/08/2019 21:32

I would just say that you're busy for the rest of the holidays, feign an impromptu visit from a relative from abroad if you have to. Then if she badgers you any more then don't reply as you've already said you're busy so she'll hopefully get the message that there's no point in asking you.

WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 17/08/2019 21:34

I think NameChange92 has given you the perfect response.

It shows that you and your daughter aren't pushovers, it's honest, and it's not written witth hurtful intent.

BMW6 · 17/08/2019 21:38

I think be honest.

Sorry to have to say, but my DD doesn't want to see yours at the moment

MoaningMinniee · 17/08/2019 21:39

Putting on my aunt of two ASD/ADHD nephews hat... arranging playdates is a very good plan to help them. Putting on my mother of two NT daughters hat... it is grossly unfair to expect them to somehow pick up the pieces of their not-NT relatives.

If your dd doesn't want to do it full stop don't do it. An invitation is just that - an invitation. You are allowed to say no. Don't twist yourself into guilt knots with excuses.

MrsGrammaticus · 17/08/2019 21:42

Just kick in the long grass over and over ...she WILL get the hint eventually. "Sorry we were tied up with family stuff next few weeks"....keep it vague.

1CantPickAName · 17/08/2019 21:50

Sorry, we are busy fir the rest of the holidays. Enjoy your summer. See you both at school in September.,..ignore!

adreamofspring · 17/08/2019 21:58

OP just keep doing what your doing. It sounds like she’s a broken record so you do the same. Just ‘no thank you’. ‘DD’s not up for it’. Repeat repeat repeat. Be polite but don’t feel you have to explain. Concentrate on having a fun summer with your DD. I have a few school gate mums like this and they do stop trying after a while.

HeyThereSummerRain · 17/08/2019 21:58

Totally agree with NameChange92 give the factual reason why your DD doesn't want to play.

It hopefully should stop more requests for playdates for the immediate future but says that you won't hold a few incidents against a child forever.

Devendra · 17/08/2019 22:01

I have been in this position ..my son was hit and pinched by a school friend during play dates. Always out of my sight but my boy was adamant he didn't want to see him outside of school again. I took a deep breath and sent an honest but friendly message explaining that he had been upset on numerous occasions and didn't wish to meet up any longer. The boys mum was very lovely and understanding and thanked me for my honesty. Just be kind and truthful..nobody can argue with the truth.

Zog14 · 17/08/2019 22:01

I had an excellently polite brush off from a mum earlier this year when I tried to arrange a play date for our 7 year olds who like each other (honest!). The text response was
“Sorry we cant at the moment as too busy but I am sure the girls will catch up over the next few months”

Needless to say there has been no catch up, as I can take a hint.

Anyway, I actually laughed when I got the message, it was so polite, yet such a “no thanks and unlikely ever!”

You need to take these things on the chin.

I think my daughter has difficulties making friendships and it is hard as a mum watching your child do things that drive other children away when you know they are really desperate to make friends. I am very forthright with my daughter that her behaviours sometimes drive potential friends away. I absolutely do not shy away from it.

In fact we had a disastrous play date this afternoon, thankfully it was only the other child there and no other parent to see it. I actually took the other child home whilst my child sobbed uncontrollably back at our house in the care of her father. My child was upsetting the other child and I took the decision to end the play date. It wasn’t fair on the other child. I am pretty sure my child has some undiagnosed condition but I have no idea what. She doesn’t pick up on social cues that other children give, about how or what they want to play, and it can come across as being mean or uncaring, but she hasn’t got a clue.

Having said all this, these are my problems to bear (and my child’s) and I don’t expect other parents to do pity play dates.

As other parents have mentioned it can be hard to fully comprehend what is going on in families.

Whatever route you choose (and it is your choice, your responsibility is to your own child’s needs obviously) I would do it with kindness.

Surely we can all agree that parenting is hard enough without being unnecessarily harsh with each other?

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