How to stop requests for play dates?

[Arrow20]

Posting here for traffic.

I have a six year old daughter.

There is a girl in her class who has taken a real shine to her over the last year. The mum of this girl is very keen for them to be friends and play outside of school. I find her to be quite pushy and there have been some issues with this girl, pinching, shoving (not just my daughter) and generally being quite unkind at times.

I have also witnessed this girls behaviour at class parties so it's not just here-say. She's not all bad and can play nicely, but just as quickly can start being quite nasty.

So, the mum has contacted me several times over the summer holidays asking to meet up. I asked my daughter if she wanted to and got a resounding no so have tried to make polite excuses but I am running out of ideas.

The mum has just messaged me again this evening, clearly not getting the hint and I just don't know what to say aside from 'we're busy' yet again.

Is there any polite way of being honest about the situation or am I going to end up offending her? I hate any kind of confrontation but at the same time I'm not going to force my daughter to spend time with someone outside of school who she's just not keen on.

Any ideas please?

Just don't reply to the messages.

I think I'd try to arrange a group meet up at the park, then tell pushy mum you are already busy for most of the rset of the holidays, but would she like to join at the park with X Y and Z.

At said park date, say that your DD is struggling with 1 to 1 playdates so will be saying no to invites until things change and you hope she understands you are just trying to support your DD who's struggling a bit...

Namechange92 has a clear message and if you decide to, or need to, that's close to a great text, except imho for the last bit which might be read by other mum as potentially a future playdate promise between parents, when your DD has been clear in saying no thanks. Your DD might still not want playdates with this girl, once back at school even if she stops pinching etc. I think you have to bat off other parental pressure and simply let your DD choose who (of her friends or classmates that) she wants to spend time with outside and inside school. She should have that developing agency at her age, within reason.

In my field "go vague" (deflect, be non committal, don't answer their question- answer your own question) is a valid strategy for defusing high conflict situations that don't need resolution on that specific point. It's deployed rarely but great for irrelevant and avoidable arguements.

Just be busy. No need to tell her that your dd doesn’t want to play with her. That is unkind, and frankly your dd can do that for herself, diplomacy and tackful avoidance.

Watching this thread with interest, as going through the same thing. Have given so many excuses, the mum concerned does not take the hint at all. I can’t bear to hurt her by telling her straight, her child is awful. I respect my own child refusing to go and play, they are very easy going and have never refused point blank like with this child. The child concerned has no special needs at all (100 percent sure, I work at their school.)
I think the only way forward is a thanks, but not free. Over and over.

I'd go with Namechange92's suggestion which is spot on. And if the mother still keeps asking, repeat ad infinitum.

Oooh, @Zog14 's friendmums text to her is even better as a non committal one that strikes a balance of No thankyou without seeming rude

Sorry we cant at the moment as too busy but I am sure the girls will catch up over the next few months

That's the kind of text I'd send. 'Few months' indicates at school without seeming prescriptive and leaves it open for things to change. It's a 'go vague' kind & non committal response. That lets you check in with your DD.

(Obvs if it turns out other child has ASD or SEN , that's a different discussion to be had, but it should still be up to DD. )

Hi OP, I can definitely understand the annoyance of feeling someone is harrassing you when you have tried to be clear.

In this instance I wouldn't say anything about the child.

I would text "thanks for the invitation but we are having a very busy summer. The girls will see each other when they return to school. Enjoy the holidays"

After sending this text I would simply ignore any further texts.

I have found this very effective when people do not accept a polite No. I don't entertain any further discussion.

I think it is very important to listen to our children. If they don't wish to play with a child, then that is their choice to make.

I havent anything new to add really, picnic on the park is good or even better coffee in the morning as the girls will be fresher and less likely to be issues.

I think I would send this " Hello X's Mum I am sorry but I really don't think we will be able to meet up over the summer after all. We just have so much on." If you were feeling kind you might throw in a "will probrably go to y park on x date" or not.

Ok, an update. I messaged a reply along the lines of namechanges suggestion.

She replied saying that the girls are best friends and that her daughter could be a bit annoying but couldn't help it so therefore can we still meet up?

I cannot believe this. I'm losing the will to live here.

I think you'll just have to be blunt "no, as I mentioned in my last message dd doesn't want to meet up at the moment and I am respecting her decision. Have a good summer holiday and we'll see how the land lies after the girls are back at school".

Reply with

"As I said, my dd isn't keen on a play date at present, perhaps in the future if they bond again we can arrange a meet up. For now it's not something I want to encourage, I hope you enjoy the remainder of the school holiday. See you in September!"

Snap @incogKNEEto

She’s only a child, give her a chance.

I genuinely don't understand this. A child is pulling your child's hair, shoving and making them miserable...but in order not to offend the poor darling and the mum, your own child can just suck it up and take the beatings, toy snatching etc? What if that one "chance" is a really nasty incident?

OP, tell her your child doesn't want to play because she sometimes gets hurt by her daughter. Look her right in the eye and tell her. Don't let your own child suffer to pander to someone else's, what chance has she got in life if her own mum won't be in her corner?

She's just sent me a few photos taken from one of our meet ups before the holidays. On that particular day she was papping away which also irritated me. I'm not really sure what she's trying to achieve here, apart from looking unhinged.

I honestly can't deal with this anymore. I think I'll just have to ignore her.

I’d reply ‘oh, of course I know that your dd isn’t intentionally hurting and upsetting mine, but as I’m sure you understand if there’s no other solution at present to prevent dd getting hurt I need to support her wish to avoid the situation’

You’ve been honest and clear. I don’t think you owe her anything else, especially since she’s not taken on board what you’ve already said.

Now i’d just go with either “no, thanks” or ignore.

Your dd isn’t ‘Bella’ from this thread?!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3667582-Am-I-being-precious-about-DD-6-friend

No I've read that. The OP and her daughter sound far too nice!

Everyone makes themselves sound lovely @Arrow20!

@Arrow20

She's a persistent one isn't she?! Seriously if you don't want to ignore, then reply with
"Thankyou for the photos..
Sorry we can't (meet up,) at the moment as too busy but I am sure the girls will catch up over the next few months. "

Then you've done everything you can, to politely say no, with a deliberately vague resetting of seeing her DD to "few months" which includes girls seeing each other at school!

After fee months ie Oct, if otherothe still asking, it becomes 'oh they see each other plenty at school and DD is so busy with oth r family & friends.' ( if DD says 'erm no thanks mum don't like the other girl'.) It always leaves it vaguely open that way but also resets without saying "no, never on your nelly"

Just reply "Honestly Mary the girls really aren't best friends. I know things change quickly with kids and they could indeed be best friends in the future but at the moment they definitely aren't and I am listening to what my dd wants, so it's a no thank you to play dates at the moment"

She certainly is persistent! I can't help but feel that the photos were an attempt to try and prove their 'best friend' status.

"it seems the girls don't get along as well as you think; perhaps they'll form a friendship in the future, in which case we can thing again about playdates but for the moment I'm putting the idea on hold. Enjoy the rest of the break"