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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners ex gf presence is constant

157 replies

Crazywheeloflife · 17/08/2019 17:45

Hi everyone
After a little advice as I am stuck in a minefield of being in a relatively new blended family.

My partner and I have been together for 3yrs, he has 2 children with his ex gf now age 14 and 7. They are amazing kids and as a family we all get on really well including my children aged 15 and 13.
Here is my issue - his ex gf is constantly on the scene. And pretty permanently with my partners mother to the point that my partners parents have taken her and the two children on holiday this week to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary. Am I the only person in this family that finds this strange? We too have been invited on a separate holiday with my two children which is a lovely gesture I just dont understand why it wasnt a case of me my partner and our 4 children couldnt go on one holiday to celebrate with them.

Help me out guys because I am miffed that his ex gf is constantly in the family picture and is included in everything to the extent that my partners children aren't able to be a part of this celebration with their dad
Please be kind if I am being unreasonable in this, I am just trying to get my head around this x

OP posts:
AcrobaticCardigan · 17/08/2019 17:50

Wow. Yes, the obvious solution would be for you two to go with all four children. Can’t get my head around the fact that they took DPs ex & their children separately!

howdyalikemenow · 17/08/2019 17:50

So the kids get to go on holiday twice and you also have been invited? Just not on this occasion?
I don't see the problem. You're not being excluded and neither are the children.

His mum has 14 years of history with your dp's ex partner and only 3 with you.

Maybe she really likes her and wants to stay in touch/keep things friendly.
It's not up to you to police your Mil's friendships. As long as there is no threat to you which doesn't sound the case from your op, id be inclined to suck it up.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/08/2019 17:54

Grandparents are keeping the mother of their grandchildren close. They like her company. They are used to doing it and don't want to stop.

Rather than seeing it as odd maybe you could see what a lovely, generous family you have joined. It might help, especially if the ex has no axe to grind with you. Maybe you could end up holidaying with her and all the family at some point.

I know to that isn't a popular view here as I have posted about friends who divorced about 10 years ago and both sides meet up regularly at family occasions. As in ex wife, new partner, new kids are invited to birthday parties, BBQs etc. It works really well for them. But they worked through the divorce very amicably.

LakieLady · 17/08/2019 17:55

She's mother to your MiL's grandchildren, OP, of course she's "on the scene".

My MiL stays in contact with one of the ex's for the same reason. DP's son is 29, so she sees him independently of his mother (although DP's ex did try and stay close to MiL, MiL never liked her, so that didn't work).

spanieleyes · 17/08/2019 17:57

Maybe the grandparents don't see your two children as their "grandchildren" and don't want to go on holiday with them.

Original poster
Crazywheeloflife · 17/08/2019 18:01

No that's not the case his children have gone with my partners ex gf and my children myself and partner are invited to go the same hotel and destination on a separate occasion. Is it not odd that youd expect there to have been one invite for us and our 4 children together?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 17/08/2019 18:03

So you think you, your partner, his two kids and your two kids should have been taken on holiday and his ex shouldn't have?

He separated from her, they didn't, and as their grandchildren's mum and someone who has been in their lives for a long time they are entitled to want to share their anniversary with her and the kids. Plus, you're getting a trip out of it too albeit at a separate time? Presumably they thought it would be too awkward for all of you to be together and didn't want to choose. Why should they?

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/08/2019 18:04

Yep. It's weird. Dps mum used to be really pally with his ex. Shes not now but his dad still is and it winds me up. He tells her all our business etc.

spanieleyes · 17/08/2019 18:06

But that would exclude the ex gf and they clearly don't want to do that! So they have invited her and her two children to one event and you and your children to another-so all are invited just not at the same time!

Ginger1982 · 17/08/2019 18:06

Cross posted. I see the kids have gone separately, but in your scenario, the ex wouldn't have been included at all. It's nice they have included her.

MonstranceClock · 17/08/2019 18:11

you're making an issue out of nothing

ApplesOrangesPears · 17/08/2019 18:15

YABU. Your DPs parents have known this woman for at least 14 years. She is mother to their grandchildren. They clearly love her and want her to continue being part of their family. That is their choice. I actually don’t think it’s that uncommon a sentiment. I’ve had my ex MIL to stay for weekends at my house because I like her and because our getting on is of benefit to my DCs (her grandchildren). It has never occurred to me to consider what my ex’s new partner thinks of this. Why would it? My relationship with my ex MIL is nothing to do with her.

Ultimately, whether or not you think their relationship with your DPs ex is ‘strange’ is largely beside the point. It’s really nothing to do with you. Just accept that this is the way things are and go on with your life.

SimonJT · 17/08/2019 18:15

Your partner ended his relationship, no one else did and no one else should be forced to.

Original poster
Crazywheeloflife · 17/08/2019 18:16

Ok ok everyone I wasnt asking for anyone to be rude.
We have all holidayed as one family previously. I just thought it odd for the children to have to experience it separately. I am friendly with my ex in laws and we share the odd occasion but I wouldn't dream of putting my ex husband new partner through me constantly being with them as it's her family now and no longer mine. I hope that makes sense

OP posts:
ApplesOrangesPears · 17/08/2019 18:20

That’s the way you feel. Your DPs parents and ex clearly feel differently. I would urge you to not make an issue of it, however.

PositiveVibez · 17/08/2019 18:20

I think yab a bit u.

You can't expect your partners m and dad to cut her off after 15 years.

They must love her and she is like family and they are probably trying to find a good balance where they treat everyone fairly and respectfully.

buckeejit · 17/08/2019 18:22

Yabu. In an ideal world you would have gone as a blended family but if the invite is from them ,they may want to see the children separately so they have more interaction with each set. I like that they are close to their gc's mother. Maybe down the line you all can go together

Original poster
Crazywheeloflife · 17/08/2019 18:23

I'm not expecting them to cut her off but the result is that my partner doesnt get to enjoy they holiday and celebrate the anniversary with his children present he has to do that with mine which although he loves them dearly it's not the same as his own being there with him

OP posts:
EileenAlanna · 17/08/2019 18:26

Well you could've suggested that your partner & his DC go on the holiday with his DP whether his ex was there or not. No reason why you & your DC can't do other things.
Your DC are yours, not your DP's, not his DCs siblings, not his parents GC. It's one thing to like other people's Dc, to get on well with them etc but no-one's under any obligation to "pretend" they've somehow magically morphed into biological relatives who've been on the scene since sperm met egg & are owed a place at every table.
Acknowledging & respecting the very real differences that occur when new relationships form is no bad thing. His DCs have a mother & father & grandparents, their relationships with each other belong to them, they're not something that have to be shared out with the DC of anyone else, no matter how much they may like them.

spanieleyes · 17/08/2019 18:27

Perhaps they felt that was better than having all of you together? We don't know why the grandpparents think this is the best solution, we can only guess!

StCharlotte · 17/08/2019 18:28

Well I don't think YABU.

I think his family (and the ex) all need to move on because that's what happens when people split up. But clearly I'm in the minority.

Nancydrawn · 17/08/2019 18:29

YABU.

I think it's lovely that the mother of your boyfriend's children are included in family events. It's great for the kids that they understand that family takes many different shapes, not all of them conventional, and that they continue to feel like their mother is a warm and welcome part of their larger extended family.

It doesn't sound like it's being done at your expense; so, e.g., your in-laws aren't inviting her and not inviting you. In fact, they've been welcoming not just to you but your kids (as they should be, of course).

And it doesn't sound like she's being intrusive into your relationship (as in, she's not holding their kids hostage in order to be able to spend more time with him, to punish you, etc.).

Ideally they'd invite everyone on the anniversary with the kids, but perhaps that's a bit much to everyone. They may even thought they were being sensitive to you by not inviting her along with their son.

I'd keep quiet about it unless it starts to cross any real boundaries, and I'd be grateful that everyone's being generally adult and kind to each other.

spanieleyes · 17/08/2019 18:30

What does "moving on" mean? The ex is, and always will be the mother of the grandchildren, that hasn't changed just because there is a new person on the scene.

TokenGinger · 17/08/2019 18:32

My nana and granddad were like this with my mum when mum and dad separated and my grandparents were still here. It wasn't unusual for my nana and granddad to be on holiday with my mum and us kids. They'd known my mum for so many years and loved her as a daughter. They'd get her daughter birthday cards. That didn't stop because my dad left.

Maybe your partner's parents care enough about the ex to want her there to celebrate with, too, not just the kids. It's okay for them to be attached to somebody who's been in their lives for 14 years.

messolini9 · 17/08/2019 18:32

We too have been invited on a separate holiday with my two children which is a lovely gesture I just dont understand why it wasnt a case of me my partner and our 4 children couldnt go on one holiday to celebrate with them.

It's simple to understand - if you look at it from DP's parents' point of view. They are being fair to both mothers, & treating you both equally.

You can't expect them to cut her out after all these years & start favouring you. She is the mother of their DGC's. Try to keep that perspective, because a blended family that can get along comfortably is going to be so much better for you than an ex who resents you.

Enjoy your holiday :)

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