Partners ex gf presence is constant

[Crazywheeloflife]

Hi everyone
After a little advice as I am stuck in a minefield of being in a relatively new blended family.

My partner and I have been together for 3yrs, he has 2 children with his ex gf now age 14 and 7. They are amazing kids and as a family we all get on really well including my children aged 15 and 13.
Here is my issue - his ex gf is constantly on the scene. And pretty permanently with my partners mother to the point that my partners parents have taken her and the two children on holiday this week to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary. Am I the only person in this family that finds this strange? We too have been invited on a separate holiday with my two children which is a lovely gesture I just dont understand why it wasnt a case of me my partner and our 4 children couldnt go on one holiday to celebrate with them.

Help me out guys because I am miffed that his ex gf is constantly in the family picture and is included in everything to the extent that my partners children aren't able to be a part of this celebration with their dad
Please be kind if I am being unreasonable in this, I am just trying to get my head around this x

What do you think the GC would think if their mum was excluded?
They may feel the need to pick a side and that could cause more stress and unhappiness?
It sounds that you are not being discriminated but want the ex to be.
Sorry I do think YABU.

I'm in a similar position OP, I sympathise.

My PIL are very focused on the kids and don't seem to have any regard for adults feelings, so they have repeatedly ignored my partner telling them how much it hurts to see them strike up a relationship with the woman who made his life hell. They weren't close before so it feels like they have gone out of their way to disregard his feelings.

In their head, I think they are doing it for their grandson, who is 6, but it's got to the point where my partner feels pretty redundant in his life because as far as my SS is concerned, my partner's whole family "belongs" to his mothers side because she is always there. He has no heritage, no history to teach his son because all that is part of the rich tapestry of his mums life in his head. My partner is just this lone figure that exists in isolation against this huge, varied family his son has created in his head consisting of his mums family and my partner's family, all as one. Experiences my partner wanted to have with his son and was looking forward to sharing with his mum are taken away as she's already done it with the ex, so my partner ends up constantly missing out. It's hard to explain to people who haven't been in the position but it is not pleasant for their son, whose feelings apparently don't matter because he's not a child.

I can see that in your case too, as they have chosen to spend their actual anniversary with just their grandkids and the ex. Don't they want to see their son on these occasions, as well as see him with their grandkids? I agree, it's weird.

Yes I get it, they've known each other for a long time and have their own relationship with her, there's absolutely nothing wrong with them keeping in touch, but family events should really include their own son above his ex. It is hurtful, I understand where you're coming from.

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl

Some of your comments may have been correct if there weren't children in the equation. As it is they have to do what right for them and that includes not allowing their mum to be down graded

cheese its nothing to do with "downgrading" anyone.

Doing whats right for them has nothing to do with this, going on holiday with gps and dad would have been no less "right" than going on holiday with gps and mum.

I don't think anyone wants to "downgrade" the mum but the reality is that she is not in a relationship with dad anymore, and therefore not as much a part of the "family unit" as she once was. If they want to continue a relationship with her, that's great, but I don't think they should put that relationship in front of the one they have with their son for many reasons.

No one is answering my question.....maybe I've got it wrong....but it's the issue that the dad isn't going on holiday with HIS parents and HIS kids, not whether the OP or the ex DIL comes or not....

normal I totally agree, I think you've got it spot on and I think that's what op was trying to say as well.

I agree @Normal

No you are not being at all unreasonable

And I'm wondering if most people may have misunderstood and think that the DGPs are also taking the 2 kids with the OP and the dad - their son - on the second holiday (with the other 2 kids) hence they're giving the OP a hard time. The reason I think this is because the sole issue many people are raising is that the OP is supposedly upset that the ex DIL is getting a holiday, and are saying that that is mean-spirited. Because the alternative to people having misunderstood is that people are honestly saying they wouldn't mind if their own mums and dads invited their own kids on a holiday with their exes and left them behind. And I can't see how anyone would be OK with that. It happened to me before in a slightly different context (I'm a mum not a dad, and it wasn't grandparents, it was other relatives) and it hurt to the core. Maybe I'm biased because of that but even now thinking about it I can feel the pain and confusion I felt all over again.

Correct me if I am wrong but I read it as the partners children were going away with a grandparents and their Mom and OP was wondering why the children were not also going away on the trip with her and her partner too.

If this is the case I can understand her asking why the children are not going away as a family unit albeit separately with each parent.

Seems a reasonable thing to question to me...

I'd agree on the "cool wives" thing on many topics JoanMavisIcecreamGirl but this isn't one of them. This is about children, one of whom is only 7, being expected to go away with their dad's girlfriend and her children instead of their own mother, and about grandparents prioritising their relationship with their grandchildren over their relationship with their son's girlfriend who is not the mother of their grandchildren.

It's weird that the OP is complaining about not being invited to her boyfriend's parents wedding anniversary holiday with his children instead of their own mother!

Op hasn't answered my question about whether her boyfriend's children ever get to see their dad and grandparents without her children present - this could also be something that the grandparents are prioritising for once. Even if all the children are trying to be cool with the new blended family it must be really hard for the 13 year old eldest now to be sandwiched between the OP's two children every time they see their dad and grandparents, and for the 7 year old to be expected to do everything with three teenagers and to go on holiday with his or her her dad's girlfriend instead of his or her mum - 7 is very little. This can't be easy for any of the children and it's no wonder that the grandparents would like just their grandchildren along, they're probably very different without the two additional teenagers.

The grandparents have been more than welcoming and generous, inviting the op on another holiday with her children, it's not as if they're shunning her.

You don't get to call all the shots of you move in with someone who already has children, you'll always have to compromise and the children will always have to compromise in order to facilitate their parents new relationships, which is never easy. The children deserve to be someone's priority, and here they seem to be the grandparents.

@nothingsreallynewunderthesun

about grandparents prioritising their relationship with their grandchildren over their relationship with their son's girlfriend who is not the mother of their grandchildren.

It's not really just that though is it, they are prioritising their relationship with their grandchildren over their relationship with their own son, when they could have very easily prioritised both by inviting them both on the same holiday.

I agree they have been generous to OP by inviting her and her kids on a separate holiday, but it's very weird that they have not been generous to their son by inviting him on holiday with his own kids. He is the reason they are grandparents at all, it just seems very strange that they don't consider the dad and the children to be linked enough to invite together. If the issue was them wanting time with the grandkids without OPs kids then they could have just invited their son and his kids as a close family trip. And if the issue is the kids not getting to spend time with their dad without the other kids, then it's hardly going to help matters that he is relegated to the OPs kids holiday whilst they're on a different one.

When a couple separate I think it is unfair to expect the extended family to take sides. And I say this as a second wife with step-children and grandparents/aunts etc still in very close contact and spending time together. It sounds like PIL are doing their best and to be honest I see nothing wrong with the arrangement. It is a tricky thing to navigate and they seem to be really sensitive by involving ex-wife, who they probably love and will always consider part of the family, yet still ensuring a place for you and your children. It is not a competion, and they are involving everyone as best they can. Blended families are complex, particularly for grandparents. Just because your partner stopped loving ex-wife it does not mean that his family have. Also it sounDS like they also have embraced you and your DC into their lives.

being expected to go away with their dad's girlfriend and her children instead of their own mother

Erm.... no.....

I think you missed THEIR DAD out of that sentence. Mums arent the default more important parent.

I think youve spectacularly missed the point sun

@Crazywheeloflife I really don't think YABU at all, and I think some of the responses you've gotten on here are completely unfair! It's not nice to see women bashing other women because of the way they feel about something. If it bothers YOU, then to hell with what anyone else thinks. Chances are there are things that would bother them that you wouldn't be bothered about, each to their own. I do find it odd that they wouldn't want their son to be with his kids on holiday, they'd rather his ex be there...

Joan He ended their marriage out of the blue, leaving her high and dry at over 50, and she lost her home, her hopes and expectations for the future, and from what has transpired, he had a game plan in place that she is still trying to figure out. He won't agree to a Nisi and seems to want to have his cake and eat it.

Having watched my Mum been put through this twice by my Dad, I know what my sil is having to deal with. I don't give a shit if you find my taking sides pathetic...I am finding it hard to be civil to my bil, and I have no intention of having anything to do with the newer model.

Ok? Good for you?

I’m wondering if posters would be as happy with this if it applied to them.
Can anyone say they would be 100% happy if their own parents paid for a holiday for their kids and their ex boyfriend/girlfriend to go on and left them out?
I could not imagine my parents doing this no matter how harmonious their relationship with my ex boyfriend was.

I’m wondering if posters would be as happy with this if it applied to them

exactly, somehow I don't think they would!

AE18 as SD1978 posted yesterday, the OP would doubtless been just as unhappy if her boyfriend and his children had been invited specifically without her and her children. Doing that would have necessitated the grandparents laying out very clearly that the OP and her children were excluded from the invitation with their son, which would have been very difficult to do without upsetting the OP and appearing to reject the new relationship.

The way they've chosen was probably the only way to have the anniversary holiday without the OP and her children without having to specify that their son is invited but she isn't. The OP seems to think she and her children are a package with her boyfriend. This is where the "cool wives" comments from JoanMavisIcecream upthread came from - that posters were expecting the OP to be cool about not being respected as the new DIL. This is by far not so straightforward when the children are from a previous relationship though. The OP kind of has to be a "cool wife" / girlfriend because her situation is not a straightforward family unit.
It's hard on the 7 and 14 year old to now always be a package with two other teenagers when their dad's side of the family is involved - the eldest isn't the eldest any more, the 7 year old is now always with three teenagers.

The grandparents doubtless want to see just their own grandchildren sometimes as however nice the OP's teenagers are the dynamic can't avoid being completely different.

The timings in the opening post also suggest the relationships must have overlapped, unless op and her ex-husband got together pre puberty... Which could also further explain grandparents' sympathy for their grandchildren and her mother!

how do you work that out nothing I cant see any overlap?

op said she met her husband at school....

I think that you're missing the actual issue here, its not OP being pushed out, its the fact that her partner didn't get to go on holiday with his children.

I think as for the spending time with teenagers thing, I do get that but I don't think a celebration holiday is the time to separate the kids. I think there are plenty of other opportunities when the grandparents could spend time with just the younger kids, but I think choosing this occasion to do it was an odd choice.

also saying "the op seems to think she and her children are a package with her boyfriend"

well, are they not? I am assuming that they all live together. After all, they are her partners step children and we all know that step children must be worshipped at all times and never excluded... (or is that only applicable when the step parent is a woman I wonder!)

@nothingsreallynewunderthesun

Yes I understand the logic and can see why the grandparents may well have had the best of intentions in doing it this way to avoid offending OP, but it is an assumption both that the grandparents wanted this time away from OPs kids, and OP would have been offended if they had just taken their son and his kids.

In her shoes, I would have been less bothered by this than what they actually did. Growing up, people in my family went on holiday in various combinations, it wasn't upsetting. What I think is unkind is to consistently choose to spend time with the ex and the kids, rather than their own son and the kids, whether that would mean OP being there or not. Especially for a special occasion like their wedding anniversary. I don't think grown up children cease to matter because there are grandchildren on the scene - he is their son, the product of the marriage they are celebrating and the closest member of their own nuclear family. I think it is sad that they are sending the message that they are bothered about spending that occasion with their grandkids (that they are only linked to through him and therefore ought to respect as their father), but aren't bothered about spending it with their son. And as a consistent pattern, I don't think it's a very healthy way to do things.