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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners ex gf presence is constant

157 replies

Crazywheeloflife · 17/08/2019 17:45

Hi everyone
After a little advice as I am stuck in a minefield of being in a relatively new blended family.

My partner and I have been together for 3yrs, he has 2 children with his ex gf now age 14 and 7. They are amazing kids and as a family we all get on really well including my children aged 15 and 13.
Here is my issue - his ex gf is constantly on the scene. And pretty permanently with my partners mother to the point that my partners parents have taken her and the two children on holiday this week to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary. Am I the only person in this family that finds this strange? We too have been invited on a separate holiday with my two children which is a lovely gesture I just dont understand why it wasnt a case of me my partner and our 4 children couldnt go on one holiday to celebrate with them.

Help me out guys because I am miffed that his ex gf is constantly in the family picture and is included in everything to the extent that my partners children aren't able to be a part of this celebration with their dad
Please be kind if I am being unreasonable in this, I am just trying to get my head around this x

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 19/08/2019 07:52

He has two kids with this woman but you refer to her as his "ex girlfriend" whilst you're his "partner"??

Says a lot about how you see her really.

Someonetookmyusername · 19/08/2019 07:54

OP I see your point on the holiday. But as your dp's parents are lovely to you and your kids, I think you should count your blessings. It's annoying that the ex is always on the scene, but it comes across like your 'in laws' are just trying to be mature and give the kids a good model of maturity. Love isn't finite after all, they can love her like a daughter and love you like a daughter.

Have you tried making friends with her?

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 19/08/2019 08:04

The grandparents sound quite savvy - parents of the children's father often end up seeing very little of their grandchildren if the parents split and the mother has the children most of the time. The grandparents have ensured this won't happen to them by continuing to treat the mother of their grandchildren as a family member. They know where their priorities are (the children) and sound sensible. They've known their granchildren's mother as a family member for many years - you're just their son's girlfriend, they've a lot less invested in you.

HugoSpritz · 19/08/2019 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smelborp · 19/08/2019 08:18

I think this is lovely. She is always going to be connected to their family as she is the mother of their grandchildren. It’s nice that they deal with that with love.

It bodes well for you too. In the future if anything ever went wrong with your DP and you have children together, you wouldn’t be cut out either.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 19/08/2019 08:26

There's also the fact that the youngest child here is very little, only 7, and might not want to be away without his or her mum - although blending families with teens on both sides is also a minefield, it can't be easy for anyone...

Are your children always present when your partner's parents see their grandchildren with their dad?

Biologyquestion · 19/08/2019 08:37

I think it’s great that the in-laws are so in touch with the ex - mother of their grandchildren.

In my case, I went through a horrible divorce and I have no doubt that ex bad mouthed me. Not a single member of his very large family is in touch with me, and I had known them for 22 years, and have dc. There are some people that I miss, especially his Mum.

So that’s sad. Much better if people can get on, as in your situation.

Lighteninginabottle27 · 19/08/2019 08:49

My ex H and my parents get on great. It makes life alot easier. Everyone benefits and the kids never feel they need to take sides. Has been around for 15years, he's part of the family. We get on well still even though I don't agree with all his choices or approaches to parenting it's not harmful to the kids so I let it go. Maybe he thinks the same about me sometimes.

Carthage · 19/08/2019 08:58

Biology that's really sad. Over many years you can spend a lot of time with ILs and go through a lot. I don't really agree with this blood is thicker than water thing. Some of my friends are more like family than some of my family.

OP I think it shows they're good people, trying to do their best by everyone. Just because you did things differently with your ex-ILs doesn't mean you're right. Or wrong, either, just different.

Very few of the people disagreeing with you are being offensive in any way. They just see things differently. If you ask a question in MN you can't expect everyone to agree with you. What would be the point? But there's been no pile on. So try re-reading their comments with that in mind. It would be unfair in my view to put pressure on your ILs to change how they treat someone who they see as part of their family.

Eustasiavye · 19/08/2019 09:03

I think the best scenario would be for the grandparents to have asked their son, the op and the kids to go away with them.

Templetonstunafish · 19/08/2019 09:09

I think it is strange, surely your dps relationship with his kids should be prioritised. She's obviously here to stay though so honestly I think the best thing you can do is befriend her as much as possible. None of this would be an issue if you could all exist in the same space.

FuckFacePlatapus · 19/08/2019 09:10

Don't start a fight that you will not win@Crazywheeloflife

The very fact they have invited you separately on holidays shows they are very aware of your seething jealousy towards not being recognised enough over the ex.

You have asked for advice and have been told yabu and to move on. I suggest you do just this. They do have loyalty towards their own, their GC happiness over you every time, as it should.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 09:33

henny op has already explained that that's how her partner / bf refers to his ex. It would be weird for op to decide that actually no she should be referred to as something else.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 09:35

They do have loyalty towards their own

the ex isn't "their own" their son and grandchildren are. They could have taken the son, op and all kids away. That would have been the fairest way imo.

and fuckface I don't see where you're getting "seething jealousy" from because tbh despite all the "cool wives" piling on and saying they don't see a problem with it, in RL I doubt many women would be over the moon about this.

Original poster
Crazywheeloflife · 19/08/2019 09:38

I completely respect everyone's opinions on this and have taken on board that I might not be right in my thoughts on the matter. It's not about jealousy or not fitting in. We just felt my partner should have celebrated with his children there too. Maybe that is wrong to think that way

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 09:45

its not wrong to think that way crazy and in RL its not something that many people would be happy about.

there is a trend on MN for women to be "fine" about a number of issues, that in RL they would probably be losing their shit over.

NormalMacRage · 19/08/2019 09:58

Can I ask a question? Let's take the current partner and her kids out of it for a second and ask it like this. There is the man and his 2 children, and there is the ex partner and the (same) 2 children. There is a wedding anniversary. The grandparents have the choice to take their 2 grandchildren either with their dad, who is their own son, or with their mum, who is not related to them. The fact that the grandparents are taking the grandchildren on holiday with the parent who is not related to them (ie their ex DIL) rather than taking the 2 DGC with the parent who IS related to them (ie their son)....strikes me as strange!

NormalMacRage · 19/08/2019 10:00

And isn't my point the same point that the Op is also making? She is wondering why her DP isn't going on holiday with his own kids...

MeOnScreen · 19/08/2019 10:29

I hate with an absolute passion that you have to actually put in the question "please be kind" their are so many keyboard warriors on MN it's unbelievable.
I think you are completely correct, you, your partner and your 4 kids should have been invited on this holiday.
I think the issue hear is that the grandparents are keeping your DPs ex sweet to ensure their relationship with their grandchildren stays sweet and tbh if I was the ex I wouldn't want to go away with my partners ex parents!
I have a feeling that your DP's ex does not have a partner and if she did she wouldn't be coming on holiday with your in-laws. It's quite sad really because it means that the four children can't mix as a whole so it's actually denying them that time together.

Don't worry about people being rude over here, you tend to find that 80% of the people on here are the ex and really don't see any situation in anyone's point of view rather then their own.

spanieleyes · 19/08/2019 10:38

Well, it seems the grandparents preferred a holiday with the ex and their two grandchildren to a holiday with the OP and the 4 children. Maybe they just didn't want all 4 children together, maybe they were paying and could only afford to pay for 2, maybe they don't see as much of their grandchildren as they would like and are/want to keep on good terms with their mum to ensure contact is maintained, we don't know! Perhaps the OP needs to ask?

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 10:42

spaniel i am assuming they paid for 2 holidays?

1 for 5 people, and then 1 for 6 people. I don't think you can say "maybe they were paying and could only afford to pay for 2" when actually it would have been cheaper to just pay for one holiday for 8 people.

OP has already said that the relationship with the grandchildren isn't under threat because of anything her partner is doing.

spanieleyes · 19/08/2019 10:49

But they wanted to take the ex too!

How much time do the children spend with their Dad? Maybe the children spend more time with their Mum and the Grandparents are keen to ensure they are included in that. We don't know and can only continue speculating til the cows come home!

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 10:52

yes we all know they wanted to take the ex too, but its ok to think that it is weird!

spanieleyes · 19/08/2019 10:55

And it's ok to think it's not!
I've been on holiday with my ex PIL, with and without children! We have hobbies in common and enjoy each other's company so why not?

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 11:01

Spaniel Christ, I never said it wasn't but op was asking if she was on her own thinking it was a bit odd. She's not!

why not indeed, but it becomes a problem when they start pushing out their child and new partner if there is one, in favour of you.