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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners ex gf presence is constant

157 replies

Crazywheeloflife · 17/08/2019 17:45

Hi everyone
After a little advice as I am stuck in a minefield of being in a relatively new blended family.

My partner and I have been together for 3yrs, he has 2 children with his ex gf now age 14 and 7. They are amazing kids and as a family we all get on really well including my children aged 15 and 13.
Here is my issue - his ex gf is constantly on the scene. And pretty permanently with my partners mother to the point that my partners parents have taken her and the two children on holiday this week to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary. Am I the only person in this family that finds this strange? We too have been invited on a separate holiday with my two children which is a lovely gesture I just dont understand why it wasnt a case of me my partner and our 4 children couldnt go on one holiday to celebrate with them.

Help me out guys because I am miffed that his ex gf is constantly in the family picture and is included in everything to the extent that my partners children aren't able to be a part of this celebration with their dad
Please be kind if I am being unreasonable in this, I am just trying to get my head around this x

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 17/08/2019 18:34

spanieleyes

Well I agree up go a point but surely the grandparents' own son (if not his wife - the OP - and her children) should come before the ex for such an occasion?

SD1978 · 17/08/2019 18:37

If they had invited only your partner and his kids to go- would you have objected to them not inviting your children? They probably wanted to invite him but figured you'd want the whole lot of you invited/ when really your time and I put to this family has so far been minimal. This way they spent time with kids and a person they have known for a long time. Not every family member maybe wants the whole blended family at every event, even if you reckon that's the package deal now.

ApplesOrangesPears · 17/08/2019 18:40

Look, the grandparents are clearly making a real effort to be fair to everyone. They may not have got it quite right in your eyes, but they seem to be genuinely doing their best to be kind and accommodating to both the mother of their DGCs and to you and your children. That can only be a good thing in a blended family! I really would urge you to see it that way instead of viewing it as some kind of slight and being miffed about it.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 17/08/2019 18:42

I can see your point, i think my nature is probably similar to yours, but, they are family.
Im going to see ex mil at the weekend with dd.
My ds also welcome if his dad cant have him.
I prefer to date men without children because of all the attendant dynamics, as you can tell, i have enough of my own!

I would just tell myself its none of my business and keep my nose out.
I have to consciously say these things to myself/practice this because i can easily go into thinking everyone needs to do things my way.

FWIW, i dont think people here have been rude, just telling you the truth.

spanieleyes · 17/08/2019 18:48

At the last family gathering my ex PIL had, I was there with my children, my ex was there with his new wife, my ex BIL was there, his ex wife was there as was his ex partner with their daughter, my ex SIL was there with 2 of her children and one of her ex partner's, the list went on! We all had a great time!

Original poster
Crazywheeloflife · 17/08/2019 18:49

Ok maybe this is one I have to learn to accept. Im 40yrs old and completely new to all of this. I was with my ex husband for 23yrs and neither us had partners before that as we met in school. I'm still getting used to how all this stuff works as until recently my life has been very sheltered from all this kind of thing.

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 17/08/2019 19:03

“I am friendly with my ex in laws and we share the odd occasion but I wouldn't dream of putting my ex husband new partner through me constantly being with them as it's her family now and no longer mine. I hope that makes sense“

I’m not sure how to quote (sorry). But OP you wrote this as an example. However your partner’s ex is more family to his parents than you are. She’s their grandchildren’s parent...you are “just” their son’s girlfriend. Sorry, but I don’t blame them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/08/2019 19:10

you are “just” their son’s girlfriend

Bit harsh. Shes his present girlfriend though. The ex is the past. She might be the mother of his kids but theyre not a family anymore.

What if op marries him? Or do we only have to care about how she feels when shes popped some kids out and therefore is "equal"?

Original poster
Crazywheeloflife · 17/08/2019 19:23

Thank you joanmavisclecreamgirl

This is exactly how I feel. We have bee together for over 3yrs and marriage has been mentioned on numerous occasions. I always feel like the third wheel. We cant just pop in say on a sunday as it's very likely she will be there for sunday lunch so my partner has to check first. I might be completely wrong here but surely their loyalty is to their son and not his ex gf.

There is absolutely no threat to her being part of her grandchildren lives wether they keep on good terms with her or not. I'm also not opposed to it I just find it odd that she is still family to that extent. I felt when me and my ex separated that part of that was I also lost my own mil in the process. His new partner now has that place and whilst I am friendly with them I know I am not their priority in anyway. Vive versa with my parents and my ex husband. All very civilised when it needs to be but my mums loyalty is now to me and my partner

OP posts:
Poppi89 · 17/08/2019 19:28

My mum was always really close to her MIL and when her and my dad split up they stayed really close and I would see my grandma more with my mum than with my dad (her actual son). For us kids it was lovely as we never knew any different it's only as I got older I realised what a difficult position my grandma must have been in but she loved my mum and wanted as little change for us kids as possible so it is definitely something I am comfortable with and something I would do in the future if I have to. But I know my dads new gf would always feel left out as she never had the same relationship with my grandma that my mum did so I can see why you would feel upset.

tashac89 · 17/08/2019 19:48

I've been in my in laws lives now for almost 13 years. I've looked after their home and pets when they've been away, I've been on holiday with them, I've shared my successes and theirs, as well as failures and I arrange/make gifts for them for every occasion. Even lived there for a while whilst pregnant with our eldest and still in college. I'd hate to think that they would drop me from their lives after all this time and emotional investment for the sake of someone else's comfort. I think YABU.

howdyalikemenow · 17/08/2019 19:57

The fact that she IS the mother of their grandchildren means that they are family op whether you like it or not. My mil couldn't stand me but my mother still send my ExH birthday and Christmas presents every year. Because he is the father of my children.

If you have children with someone there's no law that says You must be erased from your ex's parents minds. It sounds more like you feel insecure about your position and your status within the family?

CarolDanvers · 17/08/2019 20:13

I really dislike this "I'm here now!" idea. A relationship didn't work out so multiple other people have to change how they do everything, curtail relationships with people they love and children can't have a parent they want with them in holidays and special occasions in order to accommodate the incoming new partner. Obviously it's different if the break up was painful or involved abuse but where it has become relatively amicable why does this have to be a problem and be labelled weird?

I do think if you have a problem with this then you need to work on your own jealousy and insecurities and stop expecting a whole family to dance to your tune.

MonstranceClock · 17/08/2019 20:20

Maybe they don't like you as much? My dads been with his wife for nearly 20 years. She doesn't get invited to much though, because no one likes her that much. My mum gets invited to all family events though, despite divorcing my dad nearly 20 years ago. Because shes my mother, and they have always maintained a great relationship.
Frankly, if you're views on other things are as weird as they are on this, then maybe you do come across as quite an odd person and they dont wish to spend as much time with you.

Madfrogs · 17/08/2019 20:25

Because the ex is a permanent where as you are a current. She is the mother of their grandchildren and has known them at least 14years likely very close before the divorce. She will always be the mother of the grandchildren. You are the current gf who doesn’t go around much and feels the need to check if the grandchildren and their mother are their first before visiting. You could be a here today gone tomorrow or you could be here forever who knows.

Which is the exact reason some grandparents treat step grandchildren differently because if there is a separation they will never see them again.

wellaloevera · 17/08/2019 20:36

I know many here will say YABU but I'm going through similar with my partner (together 4 years) and I find it odd and it makes me very uncomfortable. Everyone else seems to think it's normal and its left me feeling like an outsider and as though I'm worth less because we haven't yet had kids together. You'll be told your feelings are petty but I say YANBU. You are not alone.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/08/2019 20:40

I think as a "second wife" you become "second class" in a lot of families. Its certainly been that way for me even though she was never a wife and i will be.

I have a child with dp too but his parents dont bother with him unless theres a photo op to show their friends. They had pictures of his ex and the kids all over the place. They dont have 1 single printed picture of ds.

They actually told us they "didnt want anymore grand children, thanks"

So my view is definitely clouded but it means i can empathise with you entirely op. At least it sounds like theyre making an effort with you and your kids too. Thats a positive.

CSIblonde · 17/08/2019 20:56

She's not going to disappear, she's the children's mother so will always be a factor in the equation. It's nice the In Laws haven't taken sides of & still have a good relationship with her. A separate holiday is them being sensitive that you might not get on in a smaller place where you can't escwpe each other.

howdyalikemenow · 17/08/2019 21:23

Just to add that there are occasions where me, ExH, his gf and my partner have all been in attendance at social gatherings. His gf doesn't much care for me and after a few ill-chosen words she's spoken about me to my ex mil in front of my kids, I'm not that fussed about her either BUT my kids like it when we all try to get on. It makes them feel secure. It makes the feel like they don't have to take sides and that means they cope better in other areas because we don't always, as adults, get to behave EXACTLY as we might prefer.

I appreciate it might be strange op but as long as the situation isn't dripping with backstabbing toxicity then it's actually quite a healthy set up. But if you're new to it then it might well take some getting used to. Best of luck.

Rachie1973 · 17/08/2019 21:26

I love my ex DIL. She and I are great friends. I couldn’t drop her because his new partner disapproved

Wallywobbles · 17/08/2019 22:10

I think it's a pretty unusual situation. Normally they'd be a bit more loyal to their DS. But I'm guessing this is not your boat to
rock.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/08/2019 22:26

rachie what if your son disapproved?

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2019 22:34

It is odd that she seems to come before their son.

IsobelRae23 · 17/08/2019 22:38

I’m still close to exdp’s mum and siblings. Maybe because I’ve been around since I was 14, so 24 years, where as exdp’s new girlfriend has been here for 3 years. We are all really close, and I go out for meals with his girlfriend, and we get on really well. I have my own partner and teenager, so not as if I’m a threat!

newnamewhosthis · 17/08/2019 22:39

Some of the answers on this thread are crazy.

It's not normal. I'm a step parent and my PIL's still get on well with DP's Ex. They would never dream of take her on holiday. If for some strange reason they did, they most certainly would have run it past DP before and changed/cancelled plans at his request.