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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners ex gf presence is constant

157 replies

Crazywheeloflife · 17/08/2019 17:45

Hi everyone
After a little advice as I am stuck in a minefield of being in a relatively new blended family.

My partner and I have been together for 3yrs, he has 2 children with his ex gf now age 14 and 7. They are amazing kids and as a family we all get on really well including my children aged 15 and 13.
Here is my issue - his ex gf is constantly on the scene. And pretty permanently with my partners mother to the point that my partners parents have taken her and the two children on holiday this week to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary. Am I the only person in this family that finds this strange? We too have been invited on a separate holiday with my two children which is a lovely gesture I just dont understand why it wasnt a case of me my partner and our 4 children couldnt go on one holiday to celebrate with them.

Help me out guys because I am miffed that his ex gf is constantly in the family picture and is included in everything to the extent that my partners children aren't able to be a part of this celebration with their dad
Please be kind if I am being unreasonable in this, I am just trying to get my head around this x

OP posts:
Boom45 · 17/08/2019 23:28

I'm the mother of my MIL's grandchildren, if my DH and I ever split up I think I'd stay close to her. She's a lovely woman and we get on really well, and I think she'd be really upset if a new partner came on the scene and tried to control the relationship we have.
I can see why it bothers you OP but I think second families have quirks and complicated relationships beyond those of you and you're bf that you need to learn to live with.

Rachie1973 · 17/08/2019 23:31

JoanMavisIcecreamGirl

I’d cope. He liked her enough to have a child with her and have her in my life for years. She’s a great mum to our granddaughter. I’d expect my son to be mature enough to realise that people aren’t disposable.

PinkCrayon · 17/08/2019 23:36

Yep its totally weird.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/08/2019 23:37

So basically fuck what your own child thinks, you'll do what you want? Nice!

It's not about being disposable im not saying you should ignore her in the street but carrying on like nothing has happened is a bit strange imo.

Dp liked his ex enough to have a child with her but people change and shes a massive twat now but yet his dad still prefers her to his own son! They barely have a relationship now funilly enough.

quitefranklyivehadenough · 17/08/2019 23:41

OP I'm with you on this. But unfortunately you got the standard MN flaming!! xx

sunshineandshowers87 · 17/08/2019 23:43

I am still very close with my ex's family we were in each other's lives for decade and the break up was civil and amicable , I don't interfere with his new marriage but I do spend a significant amount of time with his family we made solid friendships and never lost them, I think some find it strange but works for us.

Ellisandra · 18/08/2019 00:35

They’re already taking you and your children away on holiday with them.

She is the mother of their grandchildren, and someone they have known for at least 14 years. She will always be the mother of their grandchildren, and maybe one day grandmother of their great grandchildren.

You? You’re just a girlfriend. In 6 months time, they might not even know you any more. They’re not even choosing her over you though - they’re choosing both of you. They found lovely.

My XMIL has 2 DILs and 2 XDILs, from her 2 sons, 2 marriages a-piece.

The people who bother to spend time alone with her, in order of greatest time spent:
XDIL1
DIL2
XDIL2 (that’s me)
DIL1
Son2
Son1

See how all 4 women including 2 ex wives spend more time than the sons bother doing? I don’t think that’s unusual.

I bet when your boyfriend was married, it was his wife that prompted the social visits, the inclusion in grandchildren’s lives.

You say he can’t even go for lunch because she’s already there? Well how come she got in first? Because she bothered.

Feelingstupid123456789101112 · 18/08/2019 00:39

I find it so weird when people jump to give these ‘tough love’ ‘straight talk’ statements but clearly haven’t read the OP. Her DPs parents do want to go on holiday with her children, they’ve been invited. It’s just a separate one to the ex.

BrokenLogs · 18/08/2019 00:51

You want the ex to disappear and you to take 'your' place in your new family.

That's understandable, but you can't predict how others will feel about you and the situation.

After 23 years you gave up your ex's family apparently quite easily?

HiJenny35 · 18/08/2019 00:59

You got with your ex when you were young and were together so long, I think it's really hurtful that you haven't stayed closer. Just because you split up with someone that shouldn't delete the relationships with others. How lovely that his family have respected the relationship they have with her. YABU. You want her to step into the background so you can step in, well that isn't going to happen. You have to thing about if you want a relationship with her around so often as she always will be as they have children together.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/08/2019 08:33

You say he can’t even go for lunch because she’s already there? Well how come she got in first? Because she bothered

Well not really! It might not be a case of "getting in first" at all. It might be that sge just turns up often and op knows this and therefore her and her partner dont feel they can do this. If they turned up whilst she was there theyd probably get accused of pushing her out!

What is she supposed to do? Were not sll cool wives of mn who want to spend time with our partners exs.

TheBadCop · 18/08/2019 08:47

You say he can’t even go for lunch because she’s already there?

can you not attend family things together (I mean both you, OP, and ex being present)?

Thymeout · 18/08/2019 09:12

Why do you describe her as an ex-girlfriend - when the relationship lasted 14 years and produced 2 children?

But you call yourself 'partner', tho' you've only been together 3 years and have no dcs together.

Either you're both 'partners', or, if you want to make a distinction, she has more right to be ex-partner and you are his current girl-friend.

Sorry, but you're not coming across in a good light here. It looks as if you're trying to control other people's long-standing relationships because you feel insecure about your own.

Whatjusthappenedthere · 18/08/2019 09:14

When my marriage broke down and I left my husband, my In laws who I had previously got on really well with cut me off. Like I was dead. It’s been harsh on me but they could do it knowing they would still have a full relationship with their GC.
I think your family way is far better and possibly far more normal . But I do understand why you may not like it. Flowers

TheBadCop · 18/08/2019 09:15

Why do you describe her as an ex-girlfriend - when the relationship lasted 14 years and produced 2 children?

I wondered the same esp as OP's other half is referred to as 'partner' after only 3 years and no children.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/08/2019 09:18

Hmm another way to point out to op she isnt as good as this woman, doesnt mean as much as this woman. Cannot live up to this woman etc etc.

What a load of old shit.

KTara · 18/08/2019 09:18

I can see your point but I think it makes sense because the grandparents will still want to see their grandchildren and also keep in touch with their mother. They are doing the holidays as suits them - and as they are the ones inviting (and paying) that is their choice.

My exH’s parents always had a closer relationship with his ex than me, and she and their DD would go and stay. This did not ever bother me.

swingofthings · 18/08/2019 09:26

I wouldn't dream of putting my ex husband new partner through me constantly being with them as it's her family now and no longer mine
Their 'family' is not defined though by the bonds their sons create solely. Your family when it includes external members is build on the bonds you create yourself. They clearly developed a close bond with her. They care for her and consider her part of their family. Why should they give this up just because their son broke that bond?

They are clearly growing a bond with you two and the two are not exclusive but clearly it is going to take a big longer to build the same bond with you when they've known you 1/5 less of the time.

It is likely thry took her on this trip because it was her time to have the children on that date. If they'd been with their dad, they would have taken him and you. It's nothing to do with excluding him and you.

This attitude that family members should push away a previous partner that has become part of their family just because their son has replaced her for someone else is an incredibly self-centred attitude. I have always been and have remained close to my ex PIL. They invite me and my partner whose company they've developed to enjoy regularly but that doesn't negate any relationship they have with their son and his partner. They are able to spend quality time with everyone and don't need to pick one over another just as they do for all their children.

Original poster
Crazywheeloflife · 18/08/2019 09:28

Ok everyone, it seems no one actually reads anything. They weren't together for 14 years, I said their eldest child is 14 now! He has always referred to her as his ex gf which technically is true he never married her. I have not abandoned my exes family after 23yrs, I've just done the right thing and stepped back to allow my ex husband new gf to have the space to fit in with them comfortably without me being an issue. In no way does it mean I am not friends with them I've just allowed for her to have her time.

After 3.5yrs it's fair to call him my partner, we live together, raise our children together, and have discussed having a family. Lots of people would be more than considering that a long term relationship and plenty are even married themselves after those lengths of time. So forgive me for thinking long term and referring to him as my partner. As it stands he is desperate for us to be married and we both see a long term future. I am not just his current thing! And all of this situation hurts him too

OP posts:
Loveislandaddict · 18/08/2019 09:34

I’m surprised that as dh is in-laws son, you weren’t invited on the actual anniversary celebration, and ex-gf at a later date.

However, ex has been on the scene for 14 years, and in-laws obviously want to maintain a good relationship with her and go. They obviously like her.

I agree, after three years, you are long-term, rather than a casual fling, so he is your dp.

TheBadCop · 18/08/2019 09:38

but you aren't married so by your own definition you are GF/BF Hmm

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/08/2019 09:56

Even if op is gf she is current gf! Which trumps ex gf. You dont become more important because youre fertile.

TheBadCop · 18/08/2019 10:31

Even if op is gf she is current gf! Which trumps ex gf. You dont become more important because youre fertile.

it's the OP's use of language. And ExP is still the mother of mil's grandchildren. so she is family. Ex and mil get on well, why should they not have a good and strong relationships. so much better for the DC too than the families where everyone is just trying to undermine the other. I think it is great esp as children are involved.

Blended families can be complex and aren't for everyone. Maybe not for the OP either.

stuffedpeppers · 18/08/2019 10:31

My supposedly Ex in laws are fab. I say supposedly because I have known them 22 yrs and 17yrs when EX left.

I am welcome in their home, have taken MIL on holiday with my DCS, since FIL passed away. She stays in my house and her sons, goes on holiday with her son and his family.

They are not my in laws, there are my family and I thank God they are, they have supported me through some majorly tough times and have been like parents to me.

Ex accepts it and is fine as it gives him a break from his mother - the OW was firmly told my ILS, his cousins, siblings etc

  • you are welcome in our family, but you do not get to dictate, who we are friends with, who we go on holiday with and who we have to stay in our home. We are all adults and Stuffed has been part of our family for 17 yrs, that does not stop because you want it to.

I never go to an event where the OW would turn up - mainly for my own sanity but out of respect for my ILS and their family, as there would undoubtedly be awkwardness and someone will play the victim ( not me!!)

Sorry you are insecure and jealous

whattodowith · 18/08/2019 10:36

How long have they been separated and how long were they together before they separated? I think that’s kind of relevant.

If they only separated just before you two met and were together for well over a decade then I can understand this to an extent. Some people do remain close to their IL’s when children are involved.