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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners ex gf presence is constant

157 replies

Crazywheeloflife · 17/08/2019 17:45

Hi everyone
After a little advice as I am stuck in a minefield of being in a relatively new blended family.

My partner and I have been together for 3yrs, he has 2 children with his ex gf now age 14 and 7. They are amazing kids and as a family we all get on really well including my children aged 15 and 13.
Here is my issue - his ex gf is constantly on the scene. And pretty permanently with my partners mother to the point that my partners parents have taken her and the two children on holiday this week to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary. Am I the only person in this family that finds this strange? We too have been invited on a separate holiday with my two children which is a lovely gesture I just dont understand why it wasnt a case of me my partner and our 4 children couldnt go on one holiday to celebrate with them.

Help me out guys because I am miffed that his ex gf is constantly in the family picture and is included in everything to the extent that my partners children aren't able to be a part of this celebration with their dad
Please be kind if I am being unreasonable in this, I am just trying to get my head around this x

OP posts:

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/08/2019 10:38

, why should they not have a good and strong relationships

Because its bothering her son who is actual family?

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2019 10:44

They can have a good and strong relationship.

But it should be secondary to the one they have with their son!

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2019 10:46

There have been plenty of threads on here where the woman is devastated because her parents keep in touch with her ex at her expense.

Most answers there would be on the side of the woman.

TheBadCop · 18/08/2019 10:46

Because its bothering her son who is actual family?

I don't believe that blood is thicker than water.

Angrybird123 · 18/08/2019 10:51

In any other dynamic, a person who told another person who they can and can't be friends with would be deemed 'controlling'. There is no such thing as what 'does happen' or 'should happen' or 'normal' in these situations. If you want to go round for Sunday lunch, call up in advance and ask. If she says, oh ex is coming over, go OK then, how about next week?

As for the pp who said the ex is now a massive twat, we'll yes, in your view she may be but that doesn't mean she is objectively IS.. If that were the case there would be no 2nd families. I think my ex is a massive twat and he is, to me, but presumably not to his new wife. There can be no bad outcome of people being on good terms unless you choose to make it so. Stop seeing it in terms of a hierarchy of importance or loyalty and more of a series of occasionally overlapping circles.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/08/2019 11:48

thebadcop good for you but im sure there'll be lots of elderly people wondering why their kids dont want to look after them into old age and id expect therell be no exs offering then.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/08/2019 11:49

As for the pp who said the ex is now a massive twat, we'll yes, in your view she may be but that doesn't mean she is objectively IS.. If that were the case there would be no 2nd families

Shes been single since dp so she has no 2nd family. She objectively is a twat. Shes abusive and viscious.

Original poster

Crazywheeloflife · 18/08/2019 11:56

Crikey some are so tedious!! The ex is a nice enough woman as far as I know, they met she is very much older than my bf (seeing as partner is wrong to call him)!!! She was in her late thirties at the time and made it clear she wouldn't be using contraception, from what I know he was young and naive and she fell pregnant pretty instantly. They made a good go of the relationship even though cracks appeared very soon after and managed several years until her 2nd pregnancy. From what he has told me in hindsight is that she just wanted a baby as her age wasnt on her side anymore and he got caught up in it all. They now have their disagreements but on the whole amicable.
Not long after meeting him he explained that his mum helps her out with childcare etc and that they are friendly for the childrens sake, but as time has passed (since my being around) she has thrown herself into being around more and more. My bf has told me she wasnt around this much previously. Taken my bf mum on days out, for meals and such like.

Can I please reiterate that I am not opposed to their friendship I'm just new to this and was miffed by it all.
I come from a family who look after their own first and foremost.
Bf has an amazing relationship with his parents, there is no threat whatsoever in her relationship with her grandchildren. She is an amazing grandmother and that includes mine.
I may well be wrong in all of this I just feel if the tables were turned and iwere to go away with my ex family, A it would be disrespectful to my bf and B I would say thank you very much for the offer but they should probably celebrate with their dad on this occasion. I'm pretty certain my CURRENT BF would be a little miffed if I was going away with my ex in laws.

OP posts:

TheBadCop · 18/08/2019 12:31

as far as I know, they met she is very much older than my bf (seeing as partner is wrong to call him)!!! She was in her late thirties at the time and made it clear she wouldn't be using contraception, from what I know he was young and naive and she fell pregnant pretty much instantly

how is that relevant? you simply don't like her. You sound bitter and like hard word.

yikesanotherbooboo · 18/08/2019 12:51

I think it just shows that they are nice, loyal people. Not keen on your DP's comments about his ex wife though.

Original poster

Crazywheeloflife · 18/08/2019 15:45

Badcop I think it best you leave off commenting now. You are starting to irritate me with your comments. You sound like someone who just wants to argue.
I was only looking for advice and trying to explain a bigger picture. At no point have I said I dont like anyone involved in this. Just a situation I am trying to get my head around.

OP posts:

TheBadCop · 18/08/2019 15:47

You are starting to irritate me with your comments.

haha, you mean because I didn't say of course YANBU?

Original poster

Crazywheeloflife · 18/08/2019 15:49

If you cant respond with fair comments on the original post then please don't bother. This site is not for abusive comments.

OP posts:

TheBadCop · 18/08/2019 15:56

uh? where was I abusive. I just ask what the fact that your boyfriend could not bother to keep his tail or cover up if he didn't want DC many years had to do with the fact that she and Mil have a good relationship.

JudgeRindersMinder · 18/08/2019 15:57

I think what the in-laws have done has probably been the best compromise in their situation. It’s not perfect, but unfortunately it’s just how it is. Would you have preferred them to have exDIL and kids with them for 2 weeks, then your partner and the kids and left you out?

Original poster

Crazywheeloflife · 18/08/2019 16:08

I've not come on here to be called bitter and hard work
I have said on several occasions she is a nice woman and my response to their relationship was in answer to someone else's comment who was asking for a bit of background.
I have said that I am open to the fact that I might be wrong to think the way I do and came here for others opinions. In no way does that make me bitter or such like. I am new to being part of a blended family and was only looking for some advice on how others in this situation handle things.

OP posts:

SummerInTheVillage · 18/08/2019 16:19

@Badcop Sod off, eh? Your bitterness is showing. Sad life you must have. Why are you trying to make OP unhappy? Is that how you get your kicks? Weird.

scaryteacher · 19/08/2019 06:35

My bil has waltzed out of his decades long marriage for someone 25 years his junior, whom none of us have met. I am firmly on the side of his soon to been ex wife, and will not stop seeing her and spending time with her because the newer model might not like it, especially as we have known the stb ex longer than the newer model has been alive. Moreover, sil is the mother of our nephew and niece, and is thus part of our family. She has been part of the family for longer than dh and I have been together, and that is now 34 years.

Bil may have made his choice, but we have made ours, and tough shit if he, or newer model don't like it. They don't get to dictate to me about who I see or have to stay, or keep in contact with.

YABU OP, and your do's parents are looking out for their own family...their relationship with their gcs.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 07:04

Why do you need to take sides scary?

Seems a bit pathetic.

MyOtherProfile · 19/08/2019 07:11

Well I do think this is a bit odd. I think it's great they have kept their relationship with the ex but I would expect their relationship with their son to come first. I would have expected them to take their son, you and all 4 kids away and then still do something nice with the ex. That way they have a holiday with their son and grandchildren / step grandchildren and also celebrate with their ex DIL. But I guess they either do have a very close relationship with her or else they want to keep her on side to protect their relationship with the children.

Superted2 · 19/08/2019 07:22

@Crazywheeloflife
You are not being unreasonable!! Of course this is a bit weird and would make you feel uncomfortable. Of course they don't have to cut ties with her, but the general consensus for normal people is that if your family member ends a relationship with someone, you respect that and distance yourself from them a little bit. Of course the occasionally meet up / catch up with kids etc is fine.. a holiday to me seems bizarre! Especially as they could have done the exact same holiday with the kids and you/your DH.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 19/08/2019 07:27

Yabu, just because a marriage ends doesn’t need mean everyone ends the relationship with the spouse.

The in-laws have it pretty spot on I think.

At the moment your just a girlfriend, the ex is the mother of their grandchildren.

Angrybird123 · 19/08/2019 07:35

They are doing a holiday with the OP. She's not missing out. OP, you've said you came on here for advice but seem upset that most are saying you need to get past this. I don't think it's about who is best, more important, comes first etc. There isn't a 'spot' that she is occupying that leaves you without a chair. It's simply an ongoing relationship that is entirely unrelated to you or your partner. I think if the ex had done something awful to your partner, cheated on him, kept his kids away from him and his parents sided with her that would be very hurtful but if it was a mutual / amicable split then there really is no reason to have an issue with their ongoing contact.

GPatz · 19/08/2019 07:43

I think it's nice that they want to keep up a relationship with the mother of their grandchildren. Shows what lovely people they are.

HeyThereSummerRain · 19/08/2019 07:51

I think most men would not want their ex-wives/Mother of their children being friends or even friendly with their new girlfriend/partner. It must terrify the shit out of them that they could talk about the main thing they have in common, namely the man.

I believe as a society we are taught that we must dislike and distrust the exes of our boyfriend/partner/husband. That there is a pecking order and as always women are pitted against each other.

I do think boundaries need to be put in place so that MILs do not discuss their sons' lives with the ex or mother of their grandchildren. But to keep that close contact I think is fine. I would hate to think that my PIL would drop me from their lives after 20+ years merely because I was divorced from their son. They are still the Grandparents to my children.

But I also think it goes the other way, that MIL should not be discussing the lives of the ex with their son. It is up to each person whether they reveal parts of their lives to each other.

I understand ill feeling toward anyone who was the OW but in this case you are his partner. The fact that you actively avoid the ex is madness. Show up at his parents, if she is there so what? Greet her, job done.

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