feeling twitchy about DP's "hobby" with female friend

[hobbygraft]

NC'd for this.

My DP has an unusual hobby which necessitates trips out into the countryside. He has met a very active fellow-hobbyist - female - and they go out doing this hobby. I didn't mind at first, I was glad he'd found a fellow-enthusiast, but now I'm starting to resent it.

I was out with friends yesterday evening (long-planned) and came home to a note saying he had gone away camping for the night with this friend. I have access to some of his emails because we share an account socially as well as each having our own, and I can see that there's another bloke expected to be with them.

I'm not sure what I feel bad about.

a) that he went off without giving me any pre-warning. (He couldn't text me as he doesn't own a mobile phone.)
b) that he is camping with Another Woman.
c) Actually I like to go walking in the countryside, and have mentioned a couple of times I would like to go camping with him, but tbh whenever we have been walking recently his stupid hobby slows us down and it is soooo boring. OTOH I know he resents not being so able to do his hobby without feeling I am rushing him along.

Actually just realised it is all 3 of the above that I don't like. But AIBU?- because after all I was out last night myself, without him, so can't really complain?

We have one grown-up DC who lives with us, so no worries on the childcare front.

It may be relevant that DP has more free time than I do - I work full-time, he works 3 days a week. I had no plans with him this morning (Saturday) but that is because he is rubbish at making plans, he just wants to see where things take him. Which is another source of annoyance. I have plenty of hobbies too but I do like to plan.

Sounds like bird watching.. Just a guess on the hobby.

Anyway, I would be pretty furious about this if my partner just buggered off without telling me to my face to go camping with another woman. Although even if he told me to my face, I'd still be annoyed. Its just something you don't do, even if genuinely friends. I have genuine male friends that are nothing else but I still wouldn't go camping with them without my partner.

You may need to consider the possibility he is cheating. Hopefully not, maybe he is just bad at understanding social situations abd what is normal/not normal, but it doesn't look good.

What's the hobby? I mean if it's bird watching then I wouldn't be concerned. If it's dogging, then maybe!
Jokes aside, I would be quite peeved at that to be honest. Going camping with another woman at short notice. But, anyone hiding anything would make something up rather than admit to going camping with another woman and thinking it would be OK. I think it's genuinely innocent and he just doesn't see how it would come a cross to you. I would lay it all out to him when he gets back and ask how he would feel if you did the same. If he doesn't see the issue then that's odd but I think he probably will.

I wouldn’t like it. My DH wouldn’t like me going camping with another man either.

Your name change isn't working

Gah! Namechange fail back there - I have reported myself.

blueoasis - I don't think he is cheating (or at least not yet) but I do feel kindof disrespected somehow.

@thegracefuloctopus - I'm on it! But now your post will out me!

Can you delete it? As if not I will have to zap the whole thread and I really really want the advice.

Sounds more like fantasy role-playing than bird-watching.

@hobbygraft
Reporting now, sorry op!!!

What is the hobby?

You aren't compatible. He is passionate about his hobby and wants freedom to sink into it at all available opportunities which is why he doesn't want to make plans with you. He had found other companions who share his passion. How important to him is spending time with you? How close to him do you feel? Sex life good? Time for you to assess the quality of this relationship and how it is working for you and maybe have a really serious talk with him OP

Apologies from me too @thegracefuloctopus - I should have thanked you also.

Impossible to advise without knowing the hobby.

Many men just sit and do nothing.
Why not plan thinks that you would both enjoy. Boat trip. Trains...
Where you go somewhere enjoy the journey and maybe split and meet for lunch.

(He couldn't text me as he doesn't own a mobile phone.)

How convenient that he can disappear and not be contacted 🤔

I would have guessed bird watching too (sorry; I know this thread isn't called "Guess My OH's Hobby", but people are bound to wonder).
So perhaps the camping out is to be in an optimal spot to hear some lovely avian dawn performance and he didn't want to spoil your sleep.

That's the most positive spin I can put on it.
The most negative would be he's having an affair but I would have expected the run up to be more devious rather than just pushing off and leaving a note: you know, lots of explanations about why they have to go off camping, he'd have asked you but thought you'd hate it...etc.

It looks to me likes he's probably just being very thoughtless; worst case scenario might be that he's possibly getting a minor frisson from spending a night camping with her, albeit with someone else there.

Anyway, you're not being unreasonable, he is imo.

Geocaching? If there is someone else there, I wouldn't like it but would talk to him when he gets home.

I would not be happy about the impromptu camping trip, basically sleeping in the same bed as another woman? Nope.

Bird watching I reckon and I wouldn’t love it either.

[Geocaching
I wondered about that too.
But couldn't see where the camping would come in. Unless the cache is a long way away.

Although I used to find it added to a walk rather than slowing it up or spoiling it - gave it a bit more point - except for the searching bit at the end.

I may be too over-invested in the "hobby" side of this.
Sorry, OP]

NC fail?

Is the hobby dogging?

Impossible to advise without knowing the hobby.

Why? What difference could it possibly make?

Thanks @joystir59 - to answer your questions:

spending time - We eat together most evenings with our adult DC. He thinks I spend too much time online mnetting and other social media but since he picked up this recent hobby he is online a lot too with other fellow-enthusiasts. We garden sortof together (usually working on different things but out at the same time, very companionable). We watch one or two movies a week together on Netflix. We go out for the odd meal and socialise with friends. We both have aged parents and each spend a bit of time going to see them (usually separately because of the travelling time it takes, but sometimes together). He and I share a different hobby which is one evening a week - has stopped for summer but will be starting up again soon.

He also has a sporty hobby which I have no interest in, he does that 2 or 3 times a week but it's only for around an hour and a half and I have no real concerns about that apart from a slight concern that he will overdo it and hurt himself.

Feelings of closeness - well he is a tricky character and so am I, but we have been together for over 20 years and I do feel like I know him inside-out.

Sex life - not as frequent as he would like and we have talked about it. It does feel like making an effort to get in the mood when all I want to do is go to sleep, but once I am there it's good for us both. He knows I am more up for it in the morning once I have had a good night's sleep (not on a working day ) but he definitely prefers it at night.

I am generally happy with the relationship (bit of give and take) but I am definitely not happy with the camping-with-another-woman. But he will think I am being mean and un-trusting.