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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feeling twitchy about DP's "hobby" with female friend

124 replies

hobbygraft · 17/08/2019 08:23

NC'd for this.

My DP has an unusual hobby which necessitates trips out into the countryside. He has met a very active fellow-hobbyist - female - and they go out doing this hobby. I didn't mind at first, I was glad he'd found a fellow-enthusiast, but now I'm starting to resent it.

I was out with friends yesterday evening (long-planned) and came home to a note saying he had gone away camping for the night with this friend. I have access to some of his emails because we share an account socially as well as each having our own, and I can see that there's another bloke expected to be with them.

I'm not sure what I feel bad about.

a) that he went off without giving me any pre-warning. (He couldn't text me as he doesn't own a mobile phone.)
b) that he is camping with Another Woman.
c) Actually I like to go walking in the countryside, and have mentioned a couple of times I would like to go camping with him, but tbh whenever we have been walking recently his stupid hobby slows us down and it is soooo boring. OTOH I know he resents not being so able to do his hobby without feeling I am rushing him along.

Actually just realised it is all 3 of the above that I don't like. But AIBU?- because after all I was out last night myself, without him, so can't really complain?

We have one grown-up DC who lives with us, so no worries on the childcare front.

It may be relevant that DP has more free time than I do - I work full-time, he works 3 days a week. I had no plans with him this morning (Saturday) but that is because he is rubbish at making plans, he just wants to see where things take him. Which is another source of annoyance. I have plenty of hobbies too but I do like to plan.

OP posts:
Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 12:28

I mean he could lie and say he's going alone and meet up with his secret harem.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 17/08/2019 12:34

I agree with @bluebeck.

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 12:40

I'd much prefer to be in relationships where I can trust my partner to keep the agreements we made without babysitting them.

choli · 17/08/2019 12:45

I would also be irritated by his refusal to have a mobile phone (whilst clearly being au fait with technology re Netflix, social media, etc) and only working 3 days a week while you work full time. Presumably as a result, you financially contribute more?
Half the posters on MN think it's their god given right to work part time while their partner works full time and pays most of the bills. I guess that only cuts one way.

yulet · 17/08/2019 12:51

It's not unreasonable or uncool to feel upset by your partner vanishing overnight with another man or woman.

Other people's preferences for "poly" relationships are irrelevant. Other people being single and saying they hope no one minds them doing it are missing the point.

OP, you're allowed your own boundaries, and him doing this has clearly pushed over them and upset you. When he gets home, talk with him about it. If he cares about you, he will hate that he's hurt your feelings and hopefully won't be so thoughtless again.

lawnmowingsucks · 17/08/2019 13:19

If he continues to want the majority of his choices to go his way even if he knows some of his choices make you sad - you have your answer

He's a selfish twat

Then you make some choices for you

timshelthechoice · 17/08/2019 13:39

Exactly, alittle, I'm the same. Luckily my h is understanding. He also has female hobby friends and they are just htat.

tenterden · 17/08/2019 14:04

Surely DH could have called you from home OP? Just because he doesn't have a mobile, doesn't mean he cannot use your landline to call you on yours?

It sounds like he didn't want the argument.

Your posts lead me to think you are more like friends now than lovers, would that be correct?

At the start of any relationship I would make it clear to any potential partner that I would not be accepting of them dating/holidaying with other women. If they aren't happy to go ahead on that basis then we aren't compatible so nobody's time is wasted. I would feel utterly disrespected in your shoes.

Only a fool would believe he didn't have this trip planned for a while.

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 18:09

You know when you associate allowing your partner space to have platonic but unobstructed relationships with others as "a poly thing", it gives monogamy a really bad name.

Stick to the issue. He goes off at a moments notice and that's undesirable. What can be done to improve that?

Forget who he goes with.

Goldenknightsnights · 17/08/2019 18:29

I’m assuming the hobby is twitching or similar and if that’s the case I understand why he would have to clear off at a moments notice.
However, even if it’s totally innocent, I would not be happy with my DH randomly taking off with some woman and camping. Camping is a bit intimate isn’t it? - sorry can’t think of a better word to describe what I mean.
I would be reading the riot act when he got home - his behaviour is totally inappropriate. And I would be keeping an eye on his relationship with the woman in the future. Mutual interests can be a great bonder 🙄

Purpleartichoke · 17/08/2019 18:44

In this day and age, I would not be ok with him not having a phone. It can be a cheap pay as you go kind of thing, but he needs one.

Why not suggest you go camping together, but do your own thing during the day. You can enjoy your hikes and he can enjoy his hobby. Then you meet up for dinner by the campfire.

AtLeastMyDogLovesMe · 17/08/2019 19:01

It's not really acceptable to come home from a pre-planned night out to find a note from you OH saying they've gone away for the night, let alone gone away with another woman. I'm just trying to imagine my DH's reaction if I pulled that on him.

timshelthechoice · 17/08/2019 19:03

I know this is an unpopular stance on MN but there is no way I would tolerate my DH having a sleepover with another woman

But there's another man there. No one's concerned he might be sharing a tent with another man? I have shared a bed with my female best friend. I've also slept in a motorhome in the bed with her and her husband (spacious bed) with her in the middle. I like her husband, but there's no way on this Earth I'd ever shag him. I'd shag her first and I'm no lesbian and nor is she (in fact, we're both quite the opposite). Thankfully my husband's not a control freak.

Horehound · 17/08/2019 19:25

I wouldn't like it and I don't think my husband would be happy if I went camping with a man.

There's a certain intimacy involved in camping since it's such a small space.
Will the other guy definitely be camping too?

3 some..

MidnightMystery · 17/08/2019 19:39

I wouldn't like it, it would make me feel like shit actually.

Nomoremilk · 17/08/2019 19:53

Why is one poly person trying to push their opinion on boundaries, its barely relevant to someone not in a poly relationship is it?

Innertwist · 17/08/2019 20:19

Perhaps it's upsetting you more OP because you don't currently feel very important to your DP - almost as though he has put you down the list.

Quite often 90% of our strong feelings can be related to something similar that happened in the past and not necessarily to what's happening right now - although the right now is the trigger.

It might be worth spending some time exploring this option so that you have more insight and less emotional hurt when you get to discuss how you felt with your DP.

yulet · 17/08/2019 20:24

Because they're very very cool and apparently have never experienced jealousy, Nomoremilk. We're all supposed to be terribly impressed.

yulet · 17/08/2019 20:37

Actually the more I think about it, the ruder it is to barge on to someone's thread and inform them that they absolutely don't feel what they say they feel, and that the issue is something else instead.

Surely someone secure in themselves wouldn't do that.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2019 20:44

My conclusion about all these "hobbies" that MN'ers partners seem to have is that they are simply a cover to

  1. escape the shitwork of family life
  2. fuck around with impunity
  3. a combination of the above

None would be tolerable for me. I just don't get it

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 21:20

I've experienced jealousy. Usually when my needs weren't being met. Whether it was another person or a hobby or a job that meant that partner was neglecting my needs was completely immaterial. I needed more/different from what they were giving me at that time. That's really the only issue.

Kazooboohoo · 17/08/2019 21:26

This is unlikely to be an affair. If it were a. They wouldn't be taking another man camping with them (a point some PPs appear to have overlooked) and b. He wouldn't have told OP straight out he was off camping with her.

He appears more to be obsessed with his hobby and a bit selfish about it. Is he a naive man, unaware when he's upset someone or trod on their toes?

NaviSprite · 17/08/2019 22:32

I’m as laid back as they come and so is my DH - but this would frustrate me possibly even anger me, if I did it to DH it would be the same for him.

Removing the gender of one of the other birdwatchers for a minute - I think it’s not fair to disappear at the drop of a hat with the excuse of a hobby. I don’t think just because one is a woman it’s automatically going to lead to cheating but it’s hard not to think of that possibility IRL because there is a chance it could develop into it.

I think OP is being very fair but has every right to feel put out if this oversteps the boundaries of her relationship. I would expect if the shoe were on the other foot, her DH probably wouldn’t be too pleased if OP decided to sleep over with a male friend at the drop of a hat either, no matter how platonic the friendship is.

Innertwist · 18/08/2019 06:26

hmmmmm..... twitchy Confused

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 08:09

But is being cheated on worse than being neglected for a hobby? I'd argue that they are both pretty likely to cause a miserable relationship.

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