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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feeling twitchy about DP's "hobby" with female friend

124 replies

hobbygraft · 17/08/2019 08:23

NC'd for this.

My DP has an unusual hobby which necessitates trips out into the countryside. He has met a very active fellow-hobbyist - female - and they go out doing this hobby. I didn't mind at first, I was glad he'd found a fellow-enthusiast, but now I'm starting to resent it.

I was out with friends yesterday evening (long-planned) and came home to a note saying he had gone away camping for the night with this friend. I have access to some of his emails because we share an account socially as well as each having our own, and I can see that there's another bloke expected to be with them.

I'm not sure what I feel bad about.

a) that he went off without giving me any pre-warning. (He couldn't text me as he doesn't own a mobile phone.)
b) that he is camping with Another Woman.
c) Actually I like to go walking in the countryside, and have mentioned a couple of times I would like to go camping with him, but tbh whenever we have been walking recently his stupid hobby slows us down and it is soooo boring. OTOH I know he resents not being so able to do his hobby without feeling I am rushing him along.

Actually just realised it is all 3 of the above that I don't like. But AIBU?- because after all I was out last night myself, without him, so can't really complain?

We have one grown-up DC who lives with us, so no worries on the childcare front.

It may be relevant that DP has more free time than I do - I work full-time, he works 3 days a week. I had no plans with him this morning (Saturday) but that is because he is rubbish at making plans, he just wants to see where things take him. Which is another source of annoyance. I have plenty of hobbies too but I do like to plan.

OP posts:
Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 09:09

So you don't like doing it but don't want him doing it with anyone else.

araiwa · 17/08/2019 09:10

Hes going with a man and a woman

angell84 · 17/08/2019 09:14

I wouldnt be happy with a husband going camping over night with another woman.
It is not acceptable

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 17/08/2019 09:15

I genuinely would be OK with this. Relationships are about trust and I wouldn't mind my DP doing this and would be a bit pissed off if I did it and they automatically jumped to the conclusion I was cheating.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with a nice balance of shared hobbies and independent interests.

It would annoy me a bit that he doesn't have a mobile phone - how old is he? But other than that I think it's fine.

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 09:16

Yes so it sounds like you have a rich and varied relationship, you just want to take this away from him because it stings your pride.

LaMarschallin · 17/08/2019 09:21

So you don't like doing it but don't want him doing it with anyone else.

Well, nobody has to like birdwatching or geocaching or whatever.

TregunaMekoides · 17/08/2019 09:22

i don't know how id feel in honesty.
I don't think he's up to shenanigans. The fact you only found out it wasn't just him and his female friend going from looking at emails says to me there isn't cheating at the moment. If there was he'd have made all the focus on the other male there and not mentioned her.
But I think I would be wary. Shared passion for something can lead to mutual attraction and the fact he doesn't understand enough about your relationship boundaries to think that it might not be ok to go off for the weekend with this woman or to spend a lot of time with her possibly leaves him open to something happening. Or, it could just be all fine. I am someone with a number of close male friends so I'm not someone who says it's not possible to have these type of friendships, but I also think realistically you have to have a bit of a line there and it feels like he's crossed it.
What is this woman's situation? Does she have a family or DP?

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 09:24

No they don't have to like it, but that doesn't mean your partner shouldn't make friends doing it because you're scared they will cheat.

NeverSayFreelance · 17/08/2019 09:25

Are you sure the other bloke going isn't the woman's partner?

womaninthedark · 17/08/2019 09:28

Some people like threesomes.
Just sayin'.

Original poster
hobbygraft · 17/08/2019 09:35

Thanks everyone.

The hobby is wildlife spotting.

kewlwifee I get what you are saying, I don’t have the time or knowledge to get a lot out of it, they often go off on outings when I am at work and that’s been OK. But I am beginning to wonder if it’s just taking over a bit. And the overnight thing and spilling over into “my” time with DP. I only have 2 days off a week, he has 4.

treguna I’ve met this lady and she’s v nice, expert in her field and all that, she has a DP and school-age kids. But then if I was being a mug I wouldn’t know...

OP posts:
Original poster
hobbygraft · 17/08/2019 09:36

Other bloke definitely not woman’s partner.

OP posts:
LaMarschallin · 17/08/2019 09:37

No they don't have to like it, but that doesn't mean your partner shouldn't make friends doing it because you're scared they will cheat.

That's true.
Mea culpa, from your wording (and from previous posts of yours, including your thread on polyamorous relationships*) I thought you were talking about sex:

So you don't like doing it but don't want him doing it with anyone else.

straight after a post saying that OP's OH may prefer more frequent sex but that she enjoys it once it's underway.

Anyhow! That was a childish joke on my side and shows you shouldn't make assumptions about people based on posts elsethread. My apologies.

Back to the thread.

I didn't read it as the OP having problems sharing the mysterious hobby what IS it!? with someone else but staying out overnight with them. Notwithstanding it now sounds like they have a chaperone.

The majority of people in a relationship would cast a bit of a side eye at that.

*And, yes, MNHQ, I know we're not supposed to do that and now I see why. It is difficult to treat every post in isolation though.

dollydaydream114 · 17/08/2019 09:39

So you don't like doing it but don't want him doing it with anyone else.

That’s very unfair. OP didn’t say she didn’t want him to do his hobby with anyone else - she just feels a bit weird about him going off alone for ages with another woman, including overnight. And as he hasn’t got a mobile he isn’t even contactable.

I wouldn’t be that thrilled about this either. My DP has a hobby which entails a lot of whole days away and long journeys and I’m absolutely fine with that but I’ve got to be honest, I wouldn’t be happy if he was regularly doing those trips with another woman, especially overnights. It’s not even that I don’t trust him - he’s the most reliable and trustworthy person ever. He has female friends that he’ll meet for lunch or a drink after work and I never even think twice about that. But, rationally or not, I would feel a bit pushed out somehow if he was going off for days without me with one other woman all the time. I just would.

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 09:41

Poly people probably have more acknowledgement and respect of relationship boundaries than their counterparts because the boundaries of our relationships can differ so greatly between couples.

What I don't understand is when people extend monogamy into other aspects of relationships with family and friends like who they can "hobby" with and how. Even when we've established that they are just hobbying.

Like earlier when someone said that they could spend time together doing a common interest and that could spark passion. Yes, it could! But that's because you're dealing with humans. How can you stop that other than forbidding your partner to hobby with people they could be attracted to?

Original poster
hobbygraft · 17/08/2019 09:43

dollydaydream , I think you have articulated how I feel.

OP posts:
Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 09:43

I completely understand if your partner is not meeting your needs because something else has them too engaged. Whether that's a person or a hobby or whatever. But I couldn't understand if someone was fine with them bird watching for days with a guy, but not if it's a woman.

I especially can't understand if people bandy around the word "trust" but feel this way.

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 09:44

Anyone seen Brokeback Mountain?!

WeirdAndPissedOff · 17/08/2019 09:46

Re the uneven working situation, is there a reason for this? Or any way you can adjust it going forward so that you could drop a day?
As it sounds like that's already causing resentment, and is likely to continue to do so.

And is there any way DH can be persuaded to get a cheap/basic mobile phone? Even if he doesn't want to be on it all the time, in this day and age you should have the means to contact each other eg in an emergency.

daisyboocantoo · 17/08/2019 09:47

@hobbygraft you can only communicate with him. I don't think that it is unreasonable to ask that he doesn't go camping alone with another woman. I don't think it is unreasonable to wish that you had been invited to camp, or at least had a discussion about it beforehand. Whilst it is most probably platonic, I would still prefer a group situation and to have had the option to refuse an invitation.

Are they sharing a tent?

Original poster
hobbygraft · 17/08/2019 09:49

Thanks kewlwifee - perhaps it’s because we are monogamous that this is an issue for me.

OTOH I would prob also be annoyed if he went off short-notice camping with a bloke. Annoyed but not as Hmm

I keep coming back to “I wouldn’t do that to him.”

OP posts:
Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 09:49

How will speaking to him for 5 mins on the phone assure he isn't putting his willy anywhere he shouldn't?

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 09:50

I'd focus on that bit then. The short notice.

How does monogamy have anything to do with friends hobbying together though?

LaMarschallin · 17/08/2019 09:55

The hobby is wildlife spotting.
I know a PP said the nature of the hobby didn't matter (and I've harped on tediously about it) but this does give context and makes the camping out completely appropriate.

Would you have felt better if you'd been able to discuss it with him first?
I'm wondering if they'd (OH plus 2) had had a hot tip-off about a likely good sighting of badgers or something (I'm basing this on Jilly Cooper books; I know nothing about it) so rushed off a bit suddenly.

He could do with a phone though. My OH was very resistant to one and even hates me playing on mine (doesn't mind me eg reading and it's fine for him to play games on his computer...) but even he has one now.
At least you could have discussed this a little before he gets home (badgers allowing Smile

Original poster
hobbygraft · 17/08/2019 10:02

weird our working pattern has been that way for years. I work for the money and for a decent pension. And I like my work. He likes working less. We used to tag-team around the kids but that’s not necessary any more.

No chance will he get a mobile phone, he thinks they are the devil’s work. If we have an emergency, whichever of us is there just deals with it on-the-spot. Yes if anything terrible happened to one of our family (god forbid) I wouldn’t be able to contact him, but that’s not been an issue ever up to now - and contacting him wouldn’t change the outcome anyway, he would just get to hear about it later. That’s his choice and it’s a pretty remote eventuality anyway.

OP posts:
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