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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feeling twitchy about DP's "hobby" with female friend

124 replies

hobbygraft · 17/08/2019 08:23

NC'd for this.

My DP has an unusual hobby which necessitates trips out into the countryside. He has met a very active fellow-hobbyist - female - and they go out doing this hobby. I didn't mind at first, I was glad he'd found a fellow-enthusiast, but now I'm starting to resent it.

I was out with friends yesterday evening (long-planned) and came home to a note saying he had gone away camping for the night with this friend. I have access to some of his emails because we share an account socially as well as each having our own, and I can see that there's another bloke expected to be with them.

I'm not sure what I feel bad about.

a) that he went off without giving me any pre-warning. (He couldn't text me as he doesn't own a mobile phone.)
b) that he is camping with Another Woman.
c) Actually I like to go walking in the countryside, and have mentioned a couple of times I would like to go camping with him, but tbh whenever we have been walking recently his stupid hobby slows us down and it is soooo boring. OTOH I know he resents not being so able to do his hobby without feeling I am rushing him along.

Actually just realised it is all 3 of the above that I don't like. But AIBU?- because after all I was out last night myself, without him, so can't really complain?

We have one grown-up DC who lives with us, so no worries on the childcare front.

It may be relevant that DP has more free time than I do - I work full-time, he works 3 days a week. I had no plans with him this morning (Saturday) but that is because he is rubbish at making plans, he just wants to see where things take him. Which is another source of annoyance. I have plenty of hobbies too but I do like to plan.

OP posts:
TregunaMekoides · 17/08/2019 10:03

Like earlier when someone said that they could spend time together doing a common interest and that could spark passion. Yes, it could! But that's because you're dealing with humans. How can you stop that other than forbidding your partner to hobby with people they could be attracted to?

It's not about forbidding, it's about having and respecting your relationship boundaries. Like you would in any relationship - poly, mono, platonic. Eg having a hobby and spending time with your fellow hobbyists - great. Ditching you last minute to go and spend the weekend - something that has traditionally been your time together as a couple - not great. I think issues arise when the relationships you have with others start encroaching and impacting on your time as a couple in a relationship. Clearly this hobby is having a negative impact. So boundaries need to be drawn and respected.

whattodowith · 17/08/2019 10:09

My DH would hate me going camping with another man and I’d hate him doing it with another woman. I think that’s perfectly normal really...

Original poster
hobbygraft · 17/08/2019 10:09

Because they only decided at short notice, he couldn’t discuss with me first, because I was out with friends. So to him it will be, “What are you moaning about? You were out without me.”

OP posts:
Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 10:26

@Treguna

So if he ditched her last minute to hobby alone, would that be okay?

I'm all for isolating the actual problem, and to me,the issue seems to be that the nature of the hobby can encroach on their relationship. That other people do this hobby with him is incidental.

So if this was me, the thread topic would be "AIBU to think my hubby shouldn't go off and hobby at a moment's notice".

As established, I have poly relationships but this could still be a problem for me - it could be that a partner regularly goes off at a moment's notice with another partner of theirs, or it could be that they go off and hug trees as impulsively. Either way, the issue would be that we have joint responsibilities (maintaining our relationship being one of them), and I feel they aren't fulfilling their part of the deal.

user1493494961 · 17/08/2019 10:31

It was very short notice if he'd gone when you got back and just left a note. I think that was very unreasonable. Has he done anything like this before, gone off and left a note? I think if you like walking say you'll go with him next time and do your own thing while they're spotting wildlife.

alittleprivacy · 17/08/2019 10:34

This thread makes me feel so bloody sad. I'm a woman with a hobby that I share with a group. However it's a sporting hobby and only I and one guy in the group are currently insane physically fit enough to do a particular aspect of it. It means that we occasionally meet up, just the two of us, sometimes at short notice and head off out for a few hours together.

I have zero romantic or sexual interest in this guy, no offence to him, he's just a hobby friend. And he has no romantic or sexual interest in me, I'm just a hobby friend. We've both found something we're obsessed with and it's nice to have someone to share that interest with so we're not boring the pants off uninterested people whenever we want to talk about it. It's so fucking disheartening to think that at this hour of our life people would be so fucking suspicious about a man and a woman spending time together over a shared interest. We're neither teenagers nor soap characters. Men and women can be hobby friends and nothing more, just like two women or two men can be.

TregunaMekoides · 17/08/2019 10:36

@kewlwifee I think you are probably right about that being the crux of issue. However I do think there being other people involved adds further to the element of feeling rejected as I guess it could feel like not only has Dh chosen hobby over time with his wife but also chosen to spend time with other people instead of her. One of those then being a woman I think for some adds then a further dimension. So I think yes ultimately you have cut to the root of issue but these additional elements have kind of compounded it.

BlackCatSleeping · 17/08/2019 10:40

I don't think them spending time together is a problem per se, but I would keep an eye on his behaviour and how he acts towards her to make sure nothing develops.

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 10:43

Yes, and I get that bit too. But "other people" could be male or a lesbian (we don't actually know if she is) but I bet it wouldn't feel that much better to feel like your husband goes off with some guy to hobby at short notice. So again, even the compounding factors like other people have nothing to do with monogamy/infidelity

bluebeck · 17/08/2019 10:43

I know this is an unpopular stance on MN but there is no way I would tolerate my DH having a sleepover with another woman.

I suspect he had it all planned and just waited for you to go out before writing the note and buggering off because he knew you would object.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/08/2019 10:47

Because they only decided at short notice, he couldn’t discuss with me first, because I was out with friends

He's got a point. You both go out with friends independently. It doesn't sound like more notice would have worked here because you'd still be unhappy... so what would you like to happen?

Him to do his hobby on the days you're not home? But you met friends last night which is presumably counted in your time with him. Him to restrict his hobby to daytime hours and not overnights? That might be reasonable, I don't know enough about wildlife spotting. Overnights not to involve another woman? Or to be planned in advance so you know not to expect him home? A general limit on how much time he dedicated to this?

I don't think you're being unreasonable here, I'd not be happy either, but you might find it more productive to think about what would make this better rather than why it hurts. That way you'll avoid his protests about it being unfair and hopefully any arguments too!

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 10:56

@bluebeck

What about a lesbian?

What about someone religious and married?

What about a cousin he just met?

Would you check the sexuality of male sleepover buddies? Even if your hubby hasn't expressed interest in other men so far, he could be persuaded.

MonstranceClock · 17/08/2019 11:00

I really can't see the problem.

bluebeck · 17/08/2019 11:07

@kewlwifee I think your name says it all.

However, your first three examples I have all seen as "reasons/excuses" why it was OK for someone to sleep with/holiday with someone, when in fact it wasn't true and they were up to no good. Not always the man doing the cheating to be honest.

The last one - yep, you never know Smile

familycourtq · 17/08/2019 11:10

Why he flip do hobbies always have to be kept secret on MN? Is there some secrecy law about stating what the hobby is?

pjmask · 17/08/2019 11:10

I know this is an unpopular stance on MN but there is no way I would tolerate my DH having a sleepover with another woman

This exactly. In rl this just isn't a thing in my experience.

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/08/2019 11:25

This exactly. In rl this just isn't a thing in my experience.

Depends on the hobby. In my RL, it certainly has happened, people of different sexes sharing a tent. And one of my hobbies involves changing clothes in the wild, with nothing to protect you from view except mutual politeness and aversion of eyes at the critical bits.

As a botanist, I can understand the frustration of walking through the countryside spotting an unusual plant, and not being able to get a better look and check the id because your companion is a walker and wants to reach the summit at a steady 4mph.

SirJamesTalbot · 17/08/2019 11:25

I was thinking geocaching myself.

AngelasAshes · 17/08/2019 11:32

Well, disagree camping with a mate= sleeping in same bed.
Most campers take their own tent? And it’s not just the two of them there is another man going...female friends bf or another mate who can act as chaperone.

I do agree that I’d be a bit concerned at the increase in time spent on the hobby and not with you. Having a hobby with friends of other sex is not a big deal until it seems to take over all your free time. OP should make an effort to spend time with her DH, even doing hobby things that are boring. I don’t see why they could not go camping and he can go do bird watching or geocaching or rock climbing while she lays in a hammock and reads a book or collects herbs and berries. Similarly, if she likes walks, he can just go for a walk sans hobby stuff now and then. DH should be making an effort too.

Crunchymum · 17/08/2019 11:32

I'd be most pissed off about the short notice and lack of discussion about him going (he left a note??? A note???). So you had no chance to ask questions / raise any concerns / say youd rather he didn't this weekend.

Man needs a mobile!!!

QualCheckBot · 17/08/2019 11:39

That's not what I would be looking for in a relationship. You aren't his priority and he's selfish. You just don't spend enough time together having fun. You want to go out walking at weekends and his all consuming hobby prevents it, all this results in him spending time with another woman and you are left out. It doesn't actually matter whether its perfectly innocent, the point of being with someone is that you do some things together. At least in a healthy relationship.

I would also be irritated by his refusal to have a mobile phone (whilst clearly being au fait with technology re Netflix, social media, etc) and only working 3 days a week while you work full time. Presumably as a result, you financially contribute more? Overall, he sounds rather irritating and selfish. I hope he has some good points because I don't like the sound of him!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/08/2019 11:45

Firstly they may have their own tents. Secondly he isnt going camping on his own with another woman. There are 3 of them going.

TregunaMekoides · 17/08/2019 11:51

The OP has already clarified that the hobby in question is wildlife spotting.

cuddlymunchkin · 17/08/2019 11:52

The hobby is wildlife spotting which makes sense for the camping overnight and different experiences on a walk.
I wouldn't have a problem with the hobby, the camping or the time it takes up but I would definitely have a problem with the lack of notice and lack of discussion, it just seems thoughtless and rather rude to come home to a note like that. I would be upset about that aspect of it

Kewlwifee · 17/08/2019 12:27

If your partner is untrustworthy and/or is going to cheat on you, it's going to happen. Policing who they hobby with really won't stop that at all.

As a poly woman, you know how many guys there are in seemingly stable monogamous relationships where they'd never dream of asking their wife to hobby with another woman because it is inappropriate cheat behind their backs?

Before you ask, no, if course I would not cheat with someone. That's not how we do things. But I've seen enough to know that these prophylactic rules to avoid bonding or passion or whatever do nothing to stop your partner wanting to have sex or love someone else.

You literally just have to be with someone who wants the same things as you and trust them to respect and cherish you. That's your only defence.