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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

feeling twitchy about DP's "hobby" with female friend

124 replies

hobbygraft · 17/08/2019 08:23

NC'd for this.

My DP has an unusual hobby which necessitates trips out into the countryside. He has met a very active fellow-hobbyist - female - and they go out doing this hobby. I didn't mind at first, I was glad he'd found a fellow-enthusiast, but now I'm starting to resent it.

I was out with friends yesterday evening (long-planned) and came home to a note saying he had gone away camping for the night with this friend. I have access to some of his emails because we share an account socially as well as each having our own, and I can see that there's another bloke expected to be with them.

I'm not sure what I feel bad about.

a) that he went off without giving me any pre-warning. (He couldn't text me as he doesn't own a mobile phone.)
b) that he is camping with Another Woman.
c) Actually I like to go walking in the countryside, and have mentioned a couple of times I would like to go camping with him, but tbh whenever we have been walking recently his stupid hobby slows us down and it is soooo boring. OTOH I know he resents not being so able to do his hobby without feeling I am rushing him along.

Actually just realised it is all 3 of the above that I don't like. But AIBU?- because after all I was out last night myself, without him, so can't really complain?

We have one grown-up DC who lives with us, so no worries on the childcare front.

It may be relevant that DP has more free time than I do - I work full-time, he works 3 days a week. I had no plans with him this morning (Saturday) but that is because he is rubbish at making plans, he just wants to see where things take him. Which is another source of annoyance. I have plenty of hobbies too but I do like to plan.

OP posts:

Witchinaditch · 18/08/2019 08:25

I’d be livid if I came home to a not saying the OH has gone away for the night. That’s not on. If you trust him it doesn’t matter it’s with another woman, but he’s shown he has no respect for you or your feelings by leaving you a note before going away for the night. You have bigger problems than his night away.

MollyWindley · 18/08/2019 08:34

The sneaking off element of it would annoy me more than camping with another woman. He could have used your landline phone to let you know about this, but didn't. If he's going to have a hobby that involves remote locations and odd hours I'd want him to get a basic mobile, even my ninety year old mother has one for car journeys as I think it's not a big ask. Plus I would also tell him that I had wanted to go camping with him, and I'm hurt that he's so easily gone off with other people to do this but not chosen to do it with me.

malmi · 18/08/2019 09:13

Yes, for many (most?), being cheated on is much worse than being neglected for a hobby. Please stop imposing your values onto others. It's not wrong for people to feel like that and you're not going to persuade anyone not to.

formerbabe · 18/08/2019 09:27

Your husband is spending the night with another woman. Talk about hiding in plain sight.

Dieu · 18/08/2019 09:31

Oh gosh, I wouldn't like this at all. Sorry OP

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 09:45

So if your partner spent all day on a hobby and put no effort into your relationship,that would be okay? But if there was a sniff of another person involved, it isn't?

That seems like low expectations of what a relationship should be like. I go in with the expectation not to be neglected and uphold boundaries that ensure I am not neglected for very long.

It seems more logical to me to assess the quality of a relationship on how it meets your needs rather than who else's needs might be met but I'm a very logical person. It seems silly to put up with not feeling valued or cherished just because my partner isn't intimate with anyone else.

Makes much more sense to say "it doesn't matter why you're neglecting me,it just doesn't work for me,so this relationship needs to change/end".

I'm starting to see why people feel so obliged to stay in relationships that aren't working for them now. It's because their partner isn't having sex with anyone else so they feel that makes up for other incompatibilities or plain old shitty behaviour.

You deserve more, people.

testing987654321 · 18/08/2019 09:51

he’s shown he has no respect for you or your feelings by leaving you a note before going away for the night.

I agree with this, very rude behaviour.

Nomoremilk · 18/08/2019 10:27

@Kewlwifee bore off! Isn't there some other forum you can speak with other poly people in, stop pushing your boring agenda. Nobody cares and nobody is impressed.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 10:31

I understand that hearing other people have relationship styles other than monogamy is threatening to you but you don't get to try and obstruct me from commenting because it upsets you so greatly.

I'm allowed to speak from my own perspective and values. Many of which have nothing to do with polyamory and everything to do with having healthy relationships regardless of what you have agreed regarding sexual and romantic exclusivity.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 10:34

My views come from hearing monogamous people (usually women) say that their partner is basically abusive to them in several ways but it is okay because they've never cheated.

I'm not saying this OP is being abused but she's okay to not be okay with him just walking off when he wants even if infidelity isn't happening.

yulet · 18/08/2019 11:19

The thing is, it's not that you're threatening. Your views are just totally irrelevant and uninvited - which along with the weird attacks on "monogomous people" now makes you sound insecure in your choices. No skin off any of our noses what you do with your life, but really again, nothing to do with the OP.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 11:25

Whether or not it's unreasonable for your husband to leave at a moment's notice and leave a note is nothing to do with monogamy.

People including the OP seem(ed) to want it to be.

The danger for the OP is that if everyone says that something is permissible in terms of monogamy, it doesn't mean that she has to learn to accept it if it doesn't work for her. It doesn't mean she has to go away and have therapy to learn to be happy with it.

That's another reason why deeming the other people involved in his hobby as incidental is vital.

Something can be generally reasonable (such as having a hobby like this) but completely unreasonable as part of a healthy relationship with a particular person (like it might be for the OP).

testing987654321 · 18/08/2019 11:33

By your own argument Kewl, if it's got nothing to do with monogamy, it also has nothing to do with poly.

I suggest just commenting on stuff relevant to the OP. Which in my opinion is that he acted badly just going off camping without her knowing beforehand. He doesn't have to tell her his plans at all times but I'd be very annoyed if my partner did that.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 11:37

It wasnt me who said it was anything to do with poly! Other people said that I only have my views because I am poly. I'm strongly opposing that by pointing out that it would be perfectly reasonable to decide this doesn't work for you without making it about possible infidelity. I really do think people accept a lot of objectively and subjectively unreasonable or upsetting behaviour because "it isn't cheating".

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 11:39

Or conversely, banning perfectly reasonable behaviour because of the risk that cheating could be involved. Some people would never condone something like... texting a male friend of their husband to lay out boundaries of acceptable interaction with their spouse,but would say it's okay to do if this is someone who he could feasibly cheat with if so inclined.

PepsiLola · 18/08/2019 11:41

What does your adult child think of this? Surely others around you have said it's weird that your DH is staying overnight with another woman?

Have you met this woman?

I would flip! He would have a mobile phone by the end of the conversation and his binoculars would be shoved up his arse.

He's putting his hobby (and ultimately his friend) before you

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/08/2019 11:48

I have poly relationships but this could still be a problem for me You've said very recently that it wouldn't be a problem for you!

I get what you mean about the time taken out of a relationship is the same with a hobby as with an OW... but the emotional context is entirely different.

Hobbygraft I suspect your relationship has other ongoing issues that you have been able to ignore... until now. Just rubbing along getting on with living, earning a living etc. This woman seems to have highlighted that for you.

Could you sit down and have an honest chat with him? Tell him what difference she makes in the way you feel about his going off for hobbies, short notice or not. That you maybe should both spend more time and effort with each other?

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 11:56

What could be a problem for me is my partner going off at a moment's notice. Why they were going off is completely irrelevant. It isn't like I'd lose my shit if it was a partner he went off with but I'd he fine if he went Star Gazing alone.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 11:59

The issue would be the lack of quality time and trust by partner was contributing to the relationship. They are perfectly valid concerns without making it about the possibility of breaking fidelity based agreements.

I'll admit that I do find it odd when someone is okay with their partner being what I would term crap for years but the moment they find out that another person is making them crap, they want to lay down boundaries. I don't know if they are just extremely proud/possessive or think they only deserve exclusivity as a marker of respect and loyalty.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 18/08/2019 15:48

No chance will he get a mobile phone, he thinks they are the devil’s work.

I lost patience at this bit. I would feel uneasy in your shoes, OP. The least he can do is be contactable.

Juells · 18/08/2019 18:41

I lost patience at this bit.

I mentioned earlier in the thread that I was a bit about that. From experience I know that not-being-contactable-by-phone leaves room for an awful lot of skulduggery.

Seriously, is there anyone engaged in outdoorsy hobbies who doesn't have a phone nowadays? For GPS, taking photos, route-finding... that would make me very suspicious now - at the time I accepted all the bullshit explanations.

Croquembou · 18/08/2019 19:48

I wouldn't care about there being a woman there. There was another man too and I assume everyone took their own tent
whether I was annoyed would probably decide on timings. If I got home at 11pm and he was back at 9/10am, I wouldn't care. If he got back at 3pm, I might be more irritated.

Original poster

hobbygraft · 19/08/2019 12:51

Thanks everyone for the various comments, you have helped me think it through. Quick update -

So when DP returned next day, I did tell him wasn’t happy about what he had done. The bit he seemed most surprised about was the “other woman” bit, and he was very quick to point out that there had been another man there, and they did all have their own tents. (His female friend had dropped him home and the other guy was still in the car, so I could tell it wasn’t a fib.). But he did listen.

And he and I arranged a nice day out the following day, doing something we both enjoy, and are talking about a camping trip for us both. That seems better to me.

OP posts:

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 19/08/2019 19:43

That’s a really encouraging update OP. Maybe he would be receptive to having a mobile phone for emergency contact purposes?

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