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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD - Daughter left home

319 replies

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 03:49

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 17/08/2019 09:58

Of course a 17 year old is able to leave home and live independently!

It does sound like the DSS is golden child and DD is sick fed up of coming at the bottom of the pecking order. WHy was all your anger directed at her and not DSS and his GF? How does the dynamic work usually? Why do you think DD resents your DP? Have a think about those things before you speak to DD and maybe ask her those questions.

I would apologise to her, and ask if she would meet up in a neutral place ( I know you have already asked) maybe with the "aunt" figure there as well to start you off?

You need to think about how you will now have an adult:adult relationship with your DD.

ChristmasFluff · 17/08/2019 10:00

Why didn't the 24 year old pick up the slack? Surely the oldest bears most responsibility, as they would be 'in charge'?

dollydaydream114 · 17/08/2019 10:02

Clearly a 17-year-old should be more than capable of tidying up and feeding pets for a fortnight and clearly a 24-year-old man should have taken way more responsibility over this nonsense.

What isn’t clear though is why what should have been a bit of a telling-off and no more said resulted in a colossal screaming row and your daughter leaving home for good. It’s pretty obvious there’s a lot more to this whole situation than a bit of fucking cat litter. There is no way this all suddenly happened out of the blue. You need to look far deeper than this one bloody incident as it all sounds really dysfunctional to be honest.

Pollypenguin01 · 17/08/2019 10:03

Wow I think a lot of people need to raise the bar significantly higher when it comes to expectations of a 17 year old!

Honestly at 14 I could’ve been left alone to feed myself, two cats and keep a house tidy while going to school. It’s not exactly taxing! I can’t get my head around anyone thinking it’s beyond the reach of a 17 year old to be able to look after themselves and two cats. Confused

It honestly sounds like she is throwing a shit fit and being a madam tbh.

I don’t think OP was expecting too much and quite honestly (other than the if you leave never come back comment) I would’ve been pissed too!

It sounds like the goading of her SD was in front of her friends and she was attention seeking/playing a part of poor me.

SSon should have been bollocked too. You really should’ve had them both together and read them the riot act.

I would tell DD that you are disappointed in both of their behaviour, that you have given SS a talking too as well and that the door is always open to her. Leave it at that and let her crack on. She will either flourish and start her own life or will come back home until she is ready to try starting her own independent life again.

Userzzzzz · 17/08/2019 10:05

Yes a 17 could live independently but it’s unlikely to be pleasant or conducive to achieving well at college and maximising her qualifications and life chances. A 17 year old with no money is either going to be sofa surfing or living somewhere horrid. The chances of her having enough money to live independently and still study are slim.

Juells · 17/08/2019 10:06

that you have given SS a talking too as well

Lie, you mean?

and that the door is always open to her.

That's sure to make her feel loved and welcome Hmm

bluebell34567 · 17/08/2019 10:12

dss's girlfriend is there as well. doesnt she have a responsiblity or at least some common sense seeing the pets situation.
i think you were too hard on her and saying leave home not acceptable. its her home, too.
you know she is at a difficult age.
also, dss doesnt get any reprimand.
i think you put your dp over your dd.
you need to have a heart felt apology to her.

bluebell34567 · 17/08/2019 10:14

agree Juells
'and that the door is always open to her.

That's sure to make her feel loved and welcome hmm'

GreenTooth · 17/08/2019 10:14

@Pollypenguin01 .. You have it spot on!

Seeline · 17/08/2019 10:15

I don't get how DSS and girlfriend don't leave their room. Surely they both have to eat - did they clear up after that, wash up etc, or was that left to DD too? Don't they do laundry, use the bathroom etc? And if DSS is on nights when was this done?

Yes, 17 yos should be able to cope but if not expected to do anything normally, that's quite a big step up, whilst working too. Especially if others in the house aren't doing anything.

Branleuse · 17/08/2019 10:16

You left her for 10 days to run a whole house, and then weren't even happy to see her cos it was messy? Your dp chased and screamed? Wow

messolini9 · 17/08/2019 10:20

Did you ask them or tell them they had to look after your pets and the house?

Eh?
A 17 & a 24 year old, living in the family home, asked to take basic care of the household while their parents are away ... where is the notion coming from that this is in any way onerous or burdensome?

It's surely just an accepted responsibility of being part of the household?

BruceAndNosh · 17/08/2019 10:21

The OP mentioned that DSS was working mostly night shifts.
So he wasn't spending all his time shagging his gf in his bedroom and never leaving it.

AmateurSwami · 17/08/2019 10:22

Yanbu.

Dss and dd should have cleared up the cat shit and fed them as a bare minimum. The house must have smelled rancid.

If she truly wants to go and get a council flat let her. Maybe you’ll get on better with some distance. It just all seems so dramatic.

AmateurSwami · 17/08/2019 10:24

A 17 & a 24 year old, living in the family home, asked to take basic care of the household while their parents are away ... where is the notion coming from that this is in any way onerous or burdensome?

Couldn’t agree more. You’d think they were 14 and 7.

nameonhat · 17/08/2019 10:25

''Stop chasing her. She’s 17 and full of rage/hormones. Your best approach is to let her be and let her come to me. ''

if she was 21I'd get this but 17????I'd be out of my mind with worry.

nameonhat · 17/08/2019 10:27

''You left her for 10 days to run a whole house, and then weren't even happy to see her cos it was messy? Your dp chased and screamed? Wow''

I'd be very annoyed with dd over this too and it's hardly to run a household- she only had to clean after herself really and her dsb could do the same and feed a few animals, that's hardly running a household.

CecilyP · 17/08/2019 10:28

Clearing up your own mess for 10 days and looking after 2 cats really isn’t running a whole house. I don’t think OP was upset by a bit of dust or an unvacuumed carpet but by mess the DD had generated herself, possibly much of it food related, that took 2 hours to tidy up. Apart from looking after the cats, I think she should have left it till the DD got home.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/08/2019 10:28

I agree with a lot of the comments

However if I'd been left with my younger sibling (who was a lot messier than me) I would have fed the animals but I wouldn't have been 'stepping up' and cleaning my siblings mess up just because they couldn't be arsed to! Maybe the step son is the golden child but I dont think not being mad at him for not cleaning up his step sisters mess is evidence of this (though not looking after animals to make a point is shit)

messolini9 · 17/08/2019 10:31

Can you not see how you would feel as a 17 year old, your mum goes away with partner (so you feel excluded)
DD was invited on the holiday, but chose not to go.

and they come home and rant at you?
Ranting entirely justifed in the case of the animals - but absolutely not OK to rant soley at DD when her elder stepB was equally, if not more, responsible.

She is not solely responsible for your house or pets,unless you paid her to do so.
No, she was jointly responsible, for 10 days as mutually agreed, with stepB - & as a member of the household, no more needs paying for looking after pets & house than her mother does.

GabsAlot · 17/08/2019 10:32

I think they were both responsible for the animals who leaves cats to sh8it and piss everywhere

at 17 i looked after my younger dd when parents went away its not that hard

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 10:33

at 17 i looked after my younger dd when parents went away its not that hard

**. Do you mean your younger sister?

myidentitymycrisis · 17/08/2019 10:35

If you are absolving DSS from responsibility for maintaining the house/pets as he is more like a lodger, she will feel aggrieved.
I would not have left my 17 year old effectively alone for 10 days and then laid into her. She is learning to be an adult.

I think you should have left DSS in charge and made that clear to DD.

IsobelRae23 · 17/08/2019 10:38

Who was walking the poor dog???? At least the cats could go out and hunt their own food- poor dog was totally dependent on his/her humans to feed him/her.

ScabbyHorse · 17/08/2019 10:38

This reminds me of me and my mother at that exact age. She often said, in anger, that I should move out. So I called her bluff and moved out; she was devastated.
Words are very powerful; you have lost control.