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Original poster

WWYD - Daughter left home

319 replies

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 03:49

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 17/08/2019 10:39

Storm in a teacup. Let her know that you want her home but give her space. Once she realises that the Council don't dish out houses to 17 year olds and her friend gets sick of her, she’ll be back.

What I don’t understand is that DSS didn’t get more of a bollicking. It was a joint responsibility and if he was sleeping there he could also change a litter box.

Lunafortheloveogod · 17/08/2019 10:41

24yo probably hides up the stairs with his gf when your home because he doesn’t want to sit with you down stairs simply put. When you’re away he’d definitely be more free roam wouldn’t matter how they behaved when dd wasn’t home.

He might not have been in at that moment but why wouldn’t he have said something about tidying knowing you were due back?

Doesn’t matter he’s the golden boy who can do feck all wrong right?
He was there for the duration too, he’d have no heart if he let cats starve and didn’t say anything or think about fixing their box, he’s not pregnant so no good reason not to. He’d be just as liable if not more since there’s two under his room not just her.

She’s a teenager, he’s a grown man and highly unlikely to take the blame.

Goading him to grab/hit her? Has he before?
Telling her never to come back? Good bloody luck, I know some who never have.

PookieDo · 17/08/2019 10:53

Plenty of people have teenagers who are commenting

Both of my DC 15 and 17 are perfectly capable of being left alone and fending for themselves

But if I left the younger one with most of the responsibility they would probably think ‘get to fuck’ and give way less of any shits

And if my DP was aggressive towards her when we got back I think she would leave

My 15yo does not visit her dad because he doesn’t know when to stop going on at her or how to talk to her reasonably

AngelasAshes · 17/08/2019 10:57

Awful. You need to apologise to your DD as soon as possible.

  • DSS is 24 and therefore the responsible ADULT in the house.
  • It’s ridiculous you think it’s obvious the mess was DDs when most of it was the cats’ mess not taken care of by feckless adult and DSS has a GF hanging about too. Unless you have DD on nanny cam, you are vilifying her.
  • How bad can it be if only 2hrs to tidy after a 10 day absence? Tells me some tidying was done during the week.
Your attitude is sexist. It seems like because DD is a girl, you think she was the one responsible for the house. Then to tell her “don’t come back” is absolutely terrible. You’ve told her you don’t care if she starves on the streets. You’re like the evil step mom on Cinderella but with DSS and his GF being the ugly step sisters.
Vasya · 17/08/2019 11:00

You left her for 10 days to run a whole house, and then weren't even happy to see her cos it was messy? Your dp chased and screamed? Wow

Why do people do this? Deliberately misrepresent things or be selective with the facts to make it look worse? I don't think OP has dealt with this brilliantly, but this interpretation totally ignores the issue of the neglect of the animals, and has actually invented the screaming completely.

Honestly what is wrong with you?

bluebell34567 · 17/08/2019 11:02

and the dad's reaction, running after and screaming at her is not acceptable.
you should put your dd first. she is the most vulnerable one.

bluebell34567 · 17/08/2019 11:03

screaming at her on the streets.

BuckingFrolics · 17/08/2019 11:05

DSS offered to care for the dog - who needs minimal care?

the OP you have no idea what the dynamic was while you were away. DSS and gf may well have taken over the house in your absence. Your DD may have had a miserable lonely 10 days being excluded, by the DSS.

I think you're being pretty honest about your mistake OP and all credit for that. You could try harder to teach your Dd now though. I'd be outside your friends house, crying with shame and remorse by now if I was in your shoes, tbh.

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 11:05

and the dad's reaction, running after and screaming at her is not acceptable.

He’s not her dad.

HollowTalk · 17/08/2019 11:08

Some posters have such vivid imaginations.

RandomMess · 17/08/2019 11:08

My 17 year old is very mature and responsible but I wouldn't leave her for 2 weeks, not sure even a week looking after our pets it's a huge responsibility. 17 is not an adult, yes some are parents at that age but they are busy being carefree.

PookieDo · 17/08/2019 11:08

They had no food when OP got home, and had gone to the toilet on the floor but this doesn’t mean she didn’t feed them at all. Op said ‘god knows how long’ so I don’t think it’s a clear case of animal neglect unless they were not fed at all. Mine also eats everything that is put down in one go. OP did you check what food was missing? Ie what you had left, had it been used?

bluebell34567 · 17/08/2019 11:10

sorry step dad's reaction but still it is more unacceptable.

twattymctwatterson · 17/08/2019 11:13

It sounds like DD is the family scapegoat. You left a child and an adult alone for 10 days. Child has just started a new job and she's the one who's expected to do everything in the house while the adult is absolved of all responsibility when things don't get done.

You admit you put your DP before her. It sounds like DSS comes before her too.

CecilyP · 17/08/2019 11:13

You’ve told her you don’t care if she starves on the streets.

I hardly think so - if friends hadn’t been waiting outside with a car, I doubt she would have stormed off in th first place. Of course OP shouldn’t have said what she said. All she Candi now is apologise and say she didn’t mean it. (Of course her DD already knows fine she didn’t mean it). It is now hard for the DD to come home without losing face.

Sometimes it is obvious that mess belongs to a specific person - things they eat or drink, things they wear, hobbies and interests they have, just their actual stuff.

EggysMom · 17/08/2019 11:13

The daughter's age and capability are only relevant in comparison to the fact she has an older stepbrother. The issue is not her age, or her ability to care/not care for two cats. The issue is that the OP and her partner saw fit to lay their full wrath and the entire blame at the situation on their daugher. The daughter hasn't left because she got told off for making a mess; she's left because her own mother is showing clear favouritism towards partner and stepson.

AngeloMysterioso · 17/08/2019 11:13

DSS has got off totally scot free but I will be having words with DP later. DD did get most of the flak as she was first through the door

Well if your DSS has “got off totally scot free” then your DD didn’t get most of the flak. She got all of it.

WitchesGlove · 17/08/2019 11:16

The council won’t give her accommodation if you say you’re happy to have her back.

She’ll have to come back, it’s unlikely she’ll go and live on the streets and her friends will get sick of her.

Purpletigers · 17/08/2019 11:19

You’ve both over reacted . Can you apologise and try to sort it out . How on earth will a 17year old still at school afford rent or will you pay it for her ?

CecilyP · 17/08/2019 11:19

Child has just started a new job and she's the one who's expected to do everything in the house while the adult is absolved of all responsibility when things don't get done.

She wasn’t expected to do everything in the house. ( I’m sure most household jobs would wait for 2 weeks) She was expected to tidy up after herself and look after 2 cats!

bluebell34567 · 17/08/2019 11:19

your dp and dss needs to apologize to her, too.

bluebell34567 · 17/08/2019 11:20

need to

Purpletigers · 17/08/2019 11:23

Oh I see she thinks she’ll get a council house for falling out with mummy and step dad . They’ll laugh in her face or at least they should . CH is for those in need, not a teenager with something to prove .

CecilyP · 17/08/2019 11:27

he issue is that the OP and her partner saw fit to lay their full wrath and the entire blame at the situation on their daugher. The daughter hasn't left because she got told off for making a mess; she's left because her own mother is showing clear favouritism towards partner and stepson.

Except the DSS was not home, so she would have had no way of knowing that he didn’t get a similar amount of blame.

minibroncs · 17/08/2019 11:36

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