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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD - Daughter left home

319 replies

ABoxersMum · 17/08/2019 03:49

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

OP posts:
summersherewishiwasnt · 17/08/2019 09:26

If your ss is a lodger with his girlfriend.... why the fuck didn’t the park of them clear up too.
For your dd to have left after such a short row AND have somewhere to go in such a short pace of time then I’d say she saw this coming.
I could never piss off to America leaving my 17 year old at home. Outrageous behaviour. This isn’t the first time you’ve fallen out like this

summersherewishiwasnt · 17/08/2019 09:27

Pair not park

CecilyP · 17/08/2019 09:28

That’s maybe because you’ve led a more sheltered life Juells. 25 years ago I lived in lower demand council flats. Some of the other tenants on my landing were 17-year olds who not only looked after their homes but their babies as well. Some even commented on the poor standard of housekeeping of one of the other girls!

SoupDragon · 17/08/2019 09:29

I am not proud of myself for saying those words to her

Have you actually apologised to her for that?

Userzzzzz · 17/08/2019 09:31

If also say you don’t sound like your st your witts end. A couple of texts and missed calls don’t scream effort. Have you spoken to the friend’s mum? Does she have enough money to pay for food etc. Presumably she’s not earning much as a part/time holiday job.

For every post ranting on about 17 year olds being married it is very much the exeption. She’ll be in quite a vulnerable position and you seem to be doing bugger all to be the adult and fix things.

GreenTulips · 17/08/2019 09:32

Jesus DD is 17 not 7 years old. It isn't hard to tidy up after yourself and feed 3 bloody animals! What is wrong with some people? Honestly, talk about cotton wool society.

I’d be glad
1 they were all ok
2 didn’t have a huge out of control party and invite the neighbors
3 hasn’t set fire to the house

4 had all OP jewelery stolen
5 found fag burns in the carpet

All of these happened at empty parents away parties when I was a teenager

I think you got off lightly

TregunaMekoides · 17/08/2019 09:34

Of course a 17 year old is capable of looking after animals etc. However the issue is that BOTH DD and DSS were charged with the job but only DD - the youngest by a fair margin - got bollocked for the state of the house whilst golden boy, sorry, grown man, didn't. The ability of DD is not the point. It's the grossly unbalanced treatment between the two.
And even if the drip feed of the split of chores is true, DSS hardly has a lot to do with looking after the dog given it apparently just needs letting out in to the garden once a day. DSS lives in that house too, not in solitary confinement. If he clocked the mess he should have sorted it out.

Juells · 17/08/2019 09:36

There's no way that the SS and his girlfriend would have been able to stay in their room unmolested if the cats hadn't been fed. I had one cat, and he'd have torn the bedroom door apart and assaulted my feet and legs every time I left the room if he hadn't been fed.

CecilyP · 17/08/2019 09:38

Mom says that she is not allowed to come back home and then step dad saying to come back inside. That's very mixed messages.

Surely the only message was that your mum didn’t mean it, because obviously she didn’t.

Isadora2007 · 17/08/2019 09:39

@Juells

So, at 17 your daughter was having unprotected sex.

No- like many other women here each day on MN my daughter had a contraceptive failure resulting in pregnancy. It happens. Your point being???

GreenTooth · 17/08/2019 09:39

@greentulips

You need to higher your expectations. You'd just be glad if they were ok and didn't have a party? Er no. A 17 yo is able to resist throwing a party and looking after themselves whilst tidying and feeding pets. If you're 17 yo isn't capable of doing that then your parenting is a problem.

user1493494961 · 17/08/2019 09:41

Storm in a teacup. She'll soon get fed-up and come home.

GreenTulips · 17/08/2019 09:42

My DD is perfectly capable, but I put her well being over mess
If the house was a state and cats not fed there would have to be an explanation. I would’ve liked to have heard it. I wouldn’t go in all shouting and screaming. I’d want to know what went wrong.

My guess here is DD and SS clashed badly.

CecilyP · 17/08/2019 09:42

^I’d be glad
1 they were all ok
2 didn’t have a huge out of control party and invite the neighbors
3 hasn’t set fire to the house
4 had all OP jewelery stolen
5 found fag burns in the carpet*

You’re standards seem awfully low, greentulips!

TanMateix · 17/08/2019 09:43

Single mother here with child of similar age...

Let her go, she will return when she runs out of money, her friends family starts resenting her freeloading with them, and realises that the council doesn’t have an array of council houses for stroppy teenagers with no responsibilities to take.

I wouldn’t be too quick to take her “you always put him before me” from someone who is happy to let a cat to starve for a week and who can’t be arsed to keep their tray from over flowing. She seems like a very entitled little madam who is disrespecting you and the house where she lives.

GreenTulips · 17/08/2019 09:43

Maybe I care more about people than mess?

After all they’ve just had 2 weeks uninterrupted adult time on and wonderful holiday.

HugoSpritz · 17/08/2019 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beautiful3 · 17/08/2019 09:45

I personally think it was both your daughter and step sons fault. Neither one emptied the litter tray nor fed them. Both behaved badly. I hope you told your step son off too.

Juells · 17/08/2019 09:45

I wouldn’t be too quick to take her “you always put him before me” from someone who is happy to let a cat to starve for a week

I don't believe for one second that the cats starved for a week. They'd be gone.

HeffaLump1 · 17/08/2019 09:46

So DSS chose to look after a dog that doesnt need any walking and sleeps all day. DD had to look after cats that stay in and have litter trays to be cleaned....DSS isnt daft is he. Just damn lazy.
However I do agree neither job is difficult and DD should have cleaned up after herself.
DP had no right following her, if anyone was going to ask her to stay to sort it it should have been you. But I have been in similar situations and hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Going forward, DP needs to address his lazy arsed son and apologise to DD - why is he saying sorry to you and not her Confused?
It is good you admit she copped the flak for being first through the door, Ive blamed whichever DC ive seen first sometimes which has been very unfair of me and felt awful for after.

Quartz2208 · 17/08/2019 09:47

I think the problem is that it escalated. Even in the OP it’s just a couple of hours tidying

A couple of things though that haven’t been addressed is why she was downstairs anyway that screams that she isn’t comfortable and she wanted to be away from her SB
And how it escalated did you say hello nice to see you I’ve missed you or did you launch into the fact that the house wasn’t picture perfect (was the DSS chores down to such high standards as well)

theapplesarecoming · 17/08/2019 09:47

I think it's awful that you've described your daughter as defending herself against your DP during arguments. You seem to justify it by saying that you back her up when you think she is right. However this just seems to be a horrible way for a child to live.

PookieDo · 17/08/2019 09:48

The DP was more angry than the OP if you read it. He was the one who went off and was way more aggressive and confrontational

Sounds like it’s been simmering for quite some time so DD doesn’t have much respect and therefore didn’t make much as effort as you would expect

Summerlovesensation · 17/08/2019 09:50

I feel very frustrated my son is leaving home. I would be very happy for him, but for one thing he has enrolled on another academic course. I’d like him to do well, I’d like him to come home and report just one success, but there hasn’t been a single success since August 2016. I have enjoyed having him around, but it is very disheartening being his mum.

ChocChocButtons · 17/08/2019 09:55

Erm the step son is 24 your daughter is 17..he’s a grown adult and he’s been allowed to get away with trashing a house and leaving animals to starve while you told your daughter to leave and never come home.

Ok....can’t think why she’s ignoring you I really can’t..hmm