Is DD BU to want to escape this friendship?

[LittleDoritt]

Sorry, this is so long for what is essentially a storm in a teacup!

DD is 9 and has had the same BFF, Isobel, for four years. Isobel is a very bossy, domineering child and DD is a follower rather than a leader so they've always worked well as a pair, although it's been difficult to watch sometimes as a parent - e.g. as Isobel has told DD what she is "allowed" to wear or have for lunch that day. Isobel has no other friends.

Over the course of the last six months DD has met lots of new friends through some extra curricular activities and has a new found confidence. She's started "breaking" Isobel's rules, and sometimes pairs up with other girls for lunch or games. She's gone to parties and play dates that Isobel hasn't received an invitation to. This has gone down so so badly! It's like it's started WW3.

I've been receiving a barrage of messages (daily) from Isobel's mum about how DD is deliberately excluding her and making her life a misery. I tried to explain that DD was just spreading her wings a bit and still valued her friendship but then the messages changed to "your DD is a bully, she should be excluded from school" I took the messages to the headteacher as I was horrified and he did a full investigation and found no evidence of any bullying. He was as baffled as I was as to what was going on in the mums mind.

I was looking forward to having a bit of a break from it all over the school holidays but I've been getting weekly messages from the mum about how important it is the girls repair their friendship and we must meet up.

The problem is that now DD knows she has been called a bully and interviewed by the headteacher etc she genuinely doesn't want anything to do with Isobel any more! Ive tried the MN favourite "Sorry, that's not going to work for us" but now every day this week there have been FB posts on the mum's wall about "little bitches" being horrible to her daughter and "mean girls getting their comeuppance". Her friends are writing things like "I'd give the mean little bitch a slap". I really don't want anything to do with these people, but all the while I'm getting text messages asking to organise a play date or a sleepover.

They've been inseparable for four years up until now and we live in a tiny town. I don't know how to extricate DD from this!

It's DDs birthday in a couple of weeks and she is adamant that she doesn't want to invite Isobel. The fallout from that would be enormous - she has been to every one of Isobel's parties, as well as all of her brothers and cousins parties as well. I don't know how to approach this!

Can you give me some suggestions please, as I will still bump into this woman multiple times a day and the awkwardness is going to be acute.

I would not say DD doesn't want to be friends with her DD. But I would text the mum saying

"Due to YOUR behaviour towards DD at the end of last term I don't think it is in anyone best interest to meet up. "

You need to protect DD from this mum and Isobel and clearly the Isobel has learnt her behaviour from her mum.

Shocked by people who are saying that maybe the girls can be friends again at some point in the future. If this was a woman whose DP was telling her what she was allowed to wear and what she was permitted to eat, then gaslighting her and saying she was at fault for refusing to follow his rules, calling her names but then wanting her back, you’d all be saying he was abusive and she needed to LTB. But it’s ok when it’s one child treating another child that way?

Controlling behaviour is NEVER acceptable. And if it was my DD I’d make sure that she and Isobel NEVER had contact or any kind of relationship ever again.

I really do thank you all for your input. Even the post which says I am just as bad as the vile name-calling mother for posting on here has given me food for thought.

Isobel is not an only child, so must be a different girl to the PP.

DD is perfectly happy in her decision to let go of the friendship, and so hopefully no harm has been done and she knows that I've got her back. She has no idea about the FB stuff but knows I went to the headteacher, and I've told her throughout that I believe and support her. Even though Isobel has had some harsh comments on here I still hope she can come through this without being too hurt, and learn from it. No one wants to be friendless.

But the difference is that Isobel is only 9. She has plenty of time to learn and change as she grows up, and most children do change along the way. It's not the same as an adult being abusive.

Also, do we know that isobel herself accused DD of being a bully? Or (more likely) did the accusation come solely from the mother?

Batshit mother alert poor kid prob got it from her-id say why do u want yur child to be firends with someone who apprently bullies her child

I would not feel comfortable at all, sending my daughter on a play date, or to someone's house where the "adult" had referenced young children as "little bitches" and made a veiled threat about "comeuppance". I just wouldn't put my child near her. It's over. Runnnnnn!

Good god alive. None of the adults have done either of these kids any favours, have they? And where’s the school in all this?
Beggars belief.

Kids outgrow each other neither of my girls are friends with anyone they grew up with or went to school with , fortunately social media was only just becoming popular so no nasty msgs, my grandaughter is going through the same too just block her nmber time for isobel to find somd new friends too

How long will she go on for if you don’t give her importance. Regardless of it being a small town. Just smile at her and either block and delete or just hide notifications and never visit her profile and mute WhatsApp and reply once every 20 msgz saying so sorry have a lot going on. We need to give my daughter some space and surely things will be ok soon. I can’t force my child afterall. And just leave it as hi hello bye. Explain to your child that although she is completely right to just keep things at that if she is happy to do so as it may cause problems and upsetting situations in future? I don’t know really. Just see what you can do but stand your ground and ignore slightly but keep the peace at the same time. Don’t worry too much. Headteacher is on your side.

And if she calls your daughter a bully just completely tell her the truth. I would be completely fine with someone until they labelled my child. Then it’s the end. You know your upbringing better.

Totally agree!

I think you have already come to the right decision but for my two cents worth

I would screen shot all you can from Facebook, I would then defriend nosiness be dammed. I would then send a direct reply to the next message saying that your dd was very upset at being called a bully and you think it's best she has some space from the situation! They can both have a fresh start in the new school year! I think it's important not to put the decision on your dd as it will only reinforce the exclusion/bully storyline! As for the birthday party cross that bridge when you come to it if your dd just wants a few friends and Isobel isn't one of then that's her choice!

Hmmm, in life your daughter will always come across tricky people because...that's life. You can't just block out work colleagues, friends, bosses, etc. Tolerance and understanding are important skills. It sounds like Isobel is being excluded socially and that must be horrible for her, especially since they have been friends for so long. Social exclusion is a form of bullying so try to also see it from their perspective. There are reasons she behaves like she does (her mum sounds pretty difficult for sure) and it's the adults responsibility to help them work through it...not feed the hostility. I'm not saying that is easy but you can't just 'block' the problem, they may have years of school together. Might be worth meeting her mum to chat and find an amicable way forward (politely asking her to refrain from putting things on social media of course).

Haven’t RTFT, sorry.

This woman is basically bullying you now, OP, with all this social media pass-agg.

Cultivate some fierce vibes and take no further shit.

Very best of luck.

Screen shot the Facebook posts so you can make the school aware of the mother's behaviour. Report the posts on Facebook. Block her on Facebook. Either message her mum & say please stop contacting me as I feel with the allegations of bullying & the school finding no evidence you won't be facilitating any out of school contact. If she continues to contact you and abuse/threaten you or DD and you've asked her to stop contacting you, phone 101 and ask for advice around the issue with the mother and provide the evidence as this could be looked at as malicious harassment. Meet with the school again advise of the issue with the mother & request they keep an eye on things. Then do not message the mother back again, ignore it, move it she should get bored or report it

I feel sorry for Isobel it sounds as if the mum is the problem. I would still invite her to the party.

Easy to see where the domineering trait has come from and who is the bully is. Block on FB. Life’s to short for the people you do want to associate with. DD is sensible, don’t let the small mindedness clip your child’s wings or confidence. Invite who you want to the party. Other mothers will proberly breath a sigh of relief.

Be as kind as you can.These girls are only 9.It seems like Isabel has learnt all of her social skills from her mother..not her fault.She will be feeling very sad too and unfortunately learning very little from this as clearly her mother hasnt explained anything to her about being a good friend I would explain to the mother that children will move from one friend to another especially at their ages.Her facebook messages have to stop .

A teacher friend of mine called these friendships "colonising". They do seem to happen more if the parent is very controlling, or a sibling is. They're enacting what they get at home.

I'd talk again to the school about this, for Isobel's sake, because she is not going to learn anything if her mother frames consequences for her own behaviour as bullying from others. Protect your child, and that means supporting her and praising her for refusing to be a doormat, but I would still flag this up with the school as an issue for Isobel, going foward, because her mum is failing her, and she's at school for a lot of her waking hours. She may benefit from some social group interventions or something, to help her improve her ability to play with her peers constructively. If she doesn't this is likely to happen to her again and again as she goes through school - and not all mothers will be as gentle and sympathetic as you have, either.

But definitely support your child. She needs to know that it's okay to end a relationship that is no longer positive in her life without being guilt tripped or made responsible for the welfare of the other person - or as you note, she could end up with a boyfriend like this and not think it's okay to walk away.

Op this isn’t a storm in a teacup you need to navigate carefully support your dd and be kind but firm. Tough being a parent sometimes! Agree with the recent advice.

Except the “ social exclusion is a form of bullying “ nonsense if a child horrid to yours they are quite right to “exclude” them. Who wouldn’t?

My DD had a similar 'friend' who bossed her, influenced what she ate & wore (not that I knew at the time). They'd been 'best' friends since nursery but almost immediately they started High school, the 'friend' dropped my DD for a group of new girls. My DD is shy & quiet & hasn't really got over it. Unlike you, I didn't know any of this was going on & still feel guilty for not being able to help her. Your DD is better off without Isobel. Glad to hear she has met nicer friends.

I feel a bit sorry for Isobel too. I know she was bossy and domineering but she may not have realised that. She is only 9. I wouldn't exclude her as that would be cruel but she does need to know that friendship doesn't have to be just a twosome. Perhaps if she is included, she may adjust and learn to blend in.

Ultimately, Isobel is a 9 year old girl who has lost her best friend and is seeing her go off with new friends. It must be pretty upsetting for her. I can understand why her mum is very upset about it, but clearly handling it very badly. You and your daughter were happy for them to be friends with her while she didn't have any other friends. Now she's been effectively 'ghosted'. It's cruel. I appreciate she is lacking in social skills and this leads to people probably not wanting to be friends with her, but again it's up to the adults to help them navigate that and model kindness and maturity.

I’m coming at this from the point of view of Isobel as this very same thing has happened to my daughter.
My DD & her friend have been inseparable since nursery, we got on really well with her friends parents & socialised with them, albeit not very often.
Our daughter has always been bossy (no where near the extent you say Isobel is) but she’s always been a little awkward.
Forward to year 5 when friend is ‘spreading her wings’ with other girls in the class & actively leaving our daughter out & stopping other girls playing with her.
Our daughter was getting increasingly withdrawn & was unconsolable about going on a school residential - she went & she had a ball - her & ex friend were put in separate groups, which made all the difference.
We asked for a referral to CAMHS for DD due to her being so withdrawn & her saying she doesn’t want to be her anymore.
CAMHS have said they think she may have ADHD & were now going through the process of having her assessed.
Yet, one child has caused her to feel isolated & caused all these problems for her - the positive in all this is that we might get a diagnosis of why she is like she is - her bossiness is part her wanting things ‘just so’ & she struggles to see how her actions affect other people & we can hopefully get her some help.

I’m dreading her going back to school as I know she’ll be unhappy again.
Saying that I would never make a fuss like the mum in your post has. It’s her that’s caused the problems & made the accusations not the child - maybe Isobel has hidden issues that makes her that way.