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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DD BU to want to escape this friendship?

236 replies

LittleDoritt · 16/08/2019 13:20

Sorry, this is so long for what is essentially a storm in a teacup!

DD is 9 and has had the same BFF, Isobel, for four years. Isobel is a very bossy, domineering child and DD is a follower rather than a leader so they've always worked well as a pair, although it's been difficult to watch sometimes as a parent - e.g. as Isobel has told DD what she is "allowed" to wear or have for lunch that day. Isobel has no other friends.

Over the course of the last six months DD has met lots of new friends through some extra curricular activities and has a new found confidence. She's started "breaking" Isobel's rules, and sometimes pairs up with other girls for lunch or games. She's gone to parties and play dates that Isobel hasn't received an invitation to. This has gone down so so badly! It's like it's started WW3.

I've been receiving a barrage of messages (daily) from Isobel's mum about how DD is deliberately excluding her and making her life a misery. I tried to explain that DD was just spreading her wings a bit and still valued her friendship but then the messages changed to "your DD is a bully, she should be excluded from school" Shock I took the messages to the headteacher as I was horrified and he did a full investigation and found no evidence of any bullying. He was as baffled as I was as to what was going on in the mums mind.

I was looking forward to having a bit of a break from it all over the school holidays but I've been getting weekly messages from the mum about how important it is the girls repair their friendship and we must meet up.

The problem is that now DD knows she has been called a bully and interviewed by the headteacher etc she genuinely doesn't want anything to do with Isobel any more! Ive tried the MN favourite "Sorry, that's not going to work for us" but now every day this week there have been FB posts on the mum's wall about "little bitches" being horrible to her daughter and "mean girls getting their comeuppance". Her friends are writing things like "I'd give the mean little bitch a slap". Shock I really don't want anything to do with these people, but all the while I'm getting text messages asking to organise a play date or a sleepover.

They've been inseparable for four years up until now and we live in a tiny town. I don't know how to extricate DD from this!

It's DDs birthday in a couple of weeks and she is adamant that she doesn't want to invite Isobel. The fallout from that would be enormous - she has been to every one of Isobel's parties, as well as all of her brothers and cousins parties as well. I don't know how to approach this!

Can you give me some suggestions please, as I will still bump into this woman multiple times a day and the awkwardness is going to be acute.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/08/2019 18:44

I'd just text back, "But you said my daughter was a bully who should be excluded. Can't you understand why I want her to distance herself from your family now? Btw the Head found no evidence of bullying; my DD is simply widening her circle of friends."

Funnyface1 · 16/08/2019 18:46

So she called your dd a bully, but is now desperate to see you and reunite the girls? I would have absolutely no trouble telling her where to go, that's ridiculous.

Your dd should be able to choose her own friends and not be told what she can do/eat/wear by a child.

You are allowing yourself to be bullied by her mum now. Sort it out op, it will only get worse if you don't.

Icecreamsoda99 · 16/08/2019 18:47

@Mummyoflittledragon yep, I was the same and I really wish an adult had stepped in and said "you don't have to accept this treatment, your opinions are just a valid"!

MuddlingMackem · 16/08/2019 19:15

YADNBU to want to keep the girls apart.

I can actually understand why you let the friendship go on so long, your daughter just wasn't ready to assert herself any earlier, even if you had tried to steer her in that direction, and when a child is dead set on being friends with another it is very difficult to dissuade them.

However, if you do feel any compassion for Isobel, when you follow up with the school in September - I agree with others that in light of the FB posts you need to make sure they aren't paired up or put in the same groups - I would ask if the school has a nurture group and say that you feel that Isobel would benefit from being taught how to be a good friend so they can both move on as, if she is feeling isolated and angry, she may well try to take those feelings out on your daughter.

Caucho · 16/08/2019 19:34

The best thing you could do for your daughter now is take the pressure off and say it’s you who is now stopping the friendship because of all the shit on FB. That way your daughter isn’t blamed and Isobel doesn’t feel so bad about herself. It’s the mums fault. It’s not even lying because I wouldn’t allow any kid to have to interact with an adult who thinks they’re a bit with friends who think she deserves a good slap

Bertieandernie · 16/08/2019 19:42

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Bertieandernie · 16/08/2019 19:45

If her precious isobel was any decent child she’d have more than 1 friend

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 19:51

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Bertieandernie · 16/08/2019 19:55

@HeadInTheIcloud yes I certainly wouldn’t let someone tell my kids what they can and can’t wear / eat / play ... I’ll be like fuck off mate

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 19:57

I wouldn’t either, but that’s hardly the point?

Besides, op did just that.

Bertieandernie · 16/08/2019 19:59

@headintheiclouds okay... then what is your point ?

Korvalscat · 16/08/2019 19:59

Bertieandernie - calling a 9 year old child such a thing is disgusting. I have reported.

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 20:00

You don’t get my point??

Bertieandernie · 16/08/2019 20:04

@Korvalscat cool 😎

LifeImplosionImminent · 16/08/2019 20:16

I feel a bit sorry for Isobel - she's 9!!!

I'd feel sorry for her if she was 5 but at 9 she should know how to treat others. OP is right to keep her child far, far away. With a bit of luck she will reflect on why this has happened and learn for next time she meets a potential friend, somehow I don't think that will happen.

JacquesHammer · 16/08/2019 20:19

OP - I would send a very brief text “the friendship has run its course and DD no longer feels comfortable being friends with Isobel given the false accusations of bullying”.

However I agree that you need to teach your daughter kind ways to handle Isobel at school. Absolutely she shouldn’t be friends with anyone she doesn’t want, however their fall out shouldn’t be played out in front of everyone. Kind and firm ways of telling Isobel “no thanks” are needed.

Block all contact with mum.

Effiedg · 16/08/2019 20:22

Children develop and find new friendships. The problem here is the mother who has been aggressive and rude. Can't you have a chat with her, explain things and clear the air?

Ithinkmycatisevil · 16/08/2019 20:24

I would just say to the woman, your dd is upset that she was called a bully and at the moment she doesn’t wish to spend time with her daughter. I’d add that you don’t get involved in kids squabbles and if your dd and her dd want to be friends again then that is fine by you, but at the moment your dd is too hurt by the accusations.

Bertieandernie · 16/08/2019 20:30

.

Is DD BU to want to escape this friendship?
lunar1 · 16/08/2019 20:54

I think the best thing you could do for your daughter is help he escape this friendship.

ElizaPancakes · 16/08/2019 21:00

I think a simple ‘I think the friendship has run its course. I won’t force my daughter to spend time with yours’ would suffice. Then block. And maybe comment on the slap post that they’re talking about nine year olds.

FireBloodAndIce · 16/08/2019 21:02

You can't just lay low and play nice as this woman is bombarding you with daily accusations! You need to stand up for your dd and be proud she asserted herself, not moved goalposts.

There's been an ongoing issue of Isobel controlling your dd and her friendships, her mum is now trying to do the same. You can see where the poor child gets it from and with a parent behaving like that she will not change.

Go with one of the texts putting it back on the malicious accusations, stating dd is upset and distressed by them and needs space, that the friendship may have run its course.

greenlynx · 16/08/2019 21:04

Keep your message short and simple without any drama and put it as your decision. It will help your DD as they might become friends again in a few years. Just say that in the current situation you think that girls need space/break from each other.

And don’t invite Isobel to the party.

Greencustard · 16/08/2019 21:07

I've had a very similar situation, is Isobel and only child?

Why do you ask this?

Howlovely · 16/08/2019 21:15

Isobel's mother is desperate isn't she? She's really struggling, maybe she has finally learnt that her daughter doesn't behave that pleasantly to others and therefore others don't want to befriend her and now she's panicking and desperately trying, by any and all means possible, to hang on to her daughter's only friend. The thing to remember, though, is that this is not your problem for you and your daughter to fix.
Those who are saying, poor Isobel, she's so small - she's nine years old! One year under the age of criminal responsibility for Pete's sake! She absolutely knows that being kind = more friends, she's just learnt that, up until now, the way she treated OP's daughter 'worked' - she got her own way and was quite happy with one friend who did what she was told. No doubt all passed onto her by her charming mother!
I think there have been some great suggestions for diplomatic responses on here that you found send to try to knock this ok the head, and then some slightly more 'assertive' ones if Isobel's mother persists. I think you should absolutely make her know that this is down to them though and not you and your daughter. That Isobel was overbearing and that your daughter is concerned about further vile allegations if they play together.
This is their problem, not yours. Maybe politely but firmly letting them know could eventually really be the making of Isobel and she and your daughter can enjoy a friendship in the future.