Is DD BU to want to escape this friendship?

[LittleDoritt]

Sorry, this is so long for what is essentially a storm in a teacup!

DD is 9 and has had the same BFF, Isobel, for four years. Isobel is a very bossy, domineering child and DD is a follower rather than a leader so they've always worked well as a pair, although it's been difficult to watch sometimes as a parent - e.g. as Isobel has told DD what she is "allowed" to wear or have for lunch that day. Isobel has no other friends.

Over the course of the last six months DD has met lots of new friends through some extra curricular activities and has a new found confidence. She's started "breaking" Isobel's rules, and sometimes pairs up with other girls for lunch or games. She's gone to parties and play dates that Isobel hasn't received an invitation to. This has gone down so so badly! It's like it's started WW3.

I've been receiving a barrage of messages (daily) from Isobel's mum about how DD is deliberately excluding her and making her life a misery. I tried to explain that DD was just spreading her wings a bit and still valued her friendship but then the messages changed to "your DD is a bully, she should be excluded from school" I took the messages to the headteacher as I was horrified and he did a full investigation and found no evidence of any bullying. He was as baffled as I was as to what was going on in the mums mind.

I was looking forward to having a bit of a break from it all over the school holidays but I've been getting weekly messages from the mum about how important it is the girls repair their friendship and we must meet up.

The problem is that now DD knows she has been called a bully and interviewed by the headteacher etc she genuinely doesn't want anything to do with Isobel any more! Ive tried the MN favourite "Sorry, that's not going to work for us" but now every day this week there have been FB posts on the mum's wall about "little bitches" being horrible to her daughter and "mean girls getting their comeuppance". Her friends are writing things like "I'd give the mean little bitch a slap". I really don't want anything to do with these people, but all the while I'm getting text messages asking to organise a play date or a sleepover.

They've been inseparable for four years up until now and we live in a tiny town. I don't know how to extricate DD from this!

It's DDs birthday in a couple of weeks and she is adamant that she doesn't want to invite Isobel. The fallout from that would be enormous - she has been to every one of Isobel's parties, as well as all of her brothers and cousins parties as well. I don't know how to approach this!

Can you give me some suggestions please, as I will still bump into this woman multiple times a day and the awkwardness is going to be acute.

İ was once your daughter. İ eventually dumped my Isobel when some much nicer girls realised i was 'isobels' dogs body.

İn the nicest way possible... Fuck Isobel. And do what heartburn said but keep copies of everything.

My judgement might not be the best but Isobel has pretty much bullied your daughter from the begining. İ would be inclined to write on one of her posts about how her daughter treated yours and how your daughter has realised she is worth more than that and to stop harassing you for play dates.

However I'm quite passive aggressive and once you cross me that's it!

Maybe don't take my advice...

“...its unique dysfunction”

@LittleDoritt I just wanted to say I think you have handled things perfectly fine up to now. My ds sounds similar to your dd tbh, he is a perfectionist and rule follower and his bff is the one that dictates most the games etc but that's what ds wants, he is happy with it because he finds it hard to come up with ideas himself and would absolutely hate being the 'leader'. I dont consider the other child a bully at all, hes a lovely child who just has stronger ideas. I've told my child several times he doesn't have to do what the other child suggests but he says he knows but he likes his ideas. It works for both of them so I keep an eye on it but I'm not going to step in. Its slightly different with boys though I think, there are others in the group, strong characters and not so much so maybe it gets 'dilluted' a bit whereas girls seem to be more 1 on 1? Funnily enough my son is changing a bit now too at 8, still loves his mate but not so reliant on him. Actually I credit this other child with helping my son get there because having a constant friend helped his confidence loads. I get friendships run their course and wouldn't force a friendship at all but I can see how sad Isobel must be too, suddenly being 'dropped', not that it's your dd's fault but this girl has been good enough for your child for 4 years despite any 'faults' she may have so I think its important she allows her to play if she asks, just as long as she knows she doesn't have to stop doing what she wants or playing with who she wants in the process. If that isnt good enough for isobel then that's her choice
I agree though I wouldn't be comfortable her going to isobel house after the fb comments and I would say as much to the mum

I can guarantee in a few years you won’t even remember these peoples names but your dd will remember if you throw her under a busby inviting this child to appease these randoms.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

My DD had an Isobel in the last year of primary and on into secondary - they were ‘best friends’ but Isobel undermined her constantly, made her feel stupid and did all she could to chip away her confidence - she would also invite others over for a sleepover and left DD out - we live opposite each other!
DD ended up with a stammer, subdued and no confidence, she was very nervous.
DD left for 6th form and met new friends, her stammer went, she blossomed, became her old chatty self again - her new friends are really lovely gentle people - it’s been 3 years now and I’ve got my DD back - Isobel is still over the road and has desperately tried to get in with DD and her group of friends but she’s having none of it. I feel that she stole so many precious years from her and I just didn’t realise how bad it was as DD always said it was fine. Isobel comes across delightfully, very middle class and cheery - she’s actually a toxic little bitch and I am so so glad my DD is free of her.
Isobel is often alone and made no new friends in 6th form.

Gosh, I got so carried away with my story - I forgot to say - Don’t make your DD invite this child to her party but do try to minimise impact - ie don’t invite every other child and just exclude Isobel. Could you explain to your DD and just choose 3 for cinema or similar.
Another poster said to screenshot the vile comments from the mother and send them back to her when she suggests meeting up, with s polite message saying that you’d rather not. Polite but firm - no. Great idea.
In my experience Isobel won’t change. But she will change your daughter - for the worse if you let her! Keep her at arms length.

Don’t unfriend on Fb don’t call out of Fb... rise above all of that... if the texts keep coming just keep polite and state your DD unfortunately is busy - they will get the message eventually - if not start to ignore text messages too.
Keep a record of everything including screen shots #justincase

We had an Isobel situation last year. Her mother invented stories of bullying and nastiness. Fortunately the school knew this was all invention (my child has FT 1-1 support for SEN. But school investigated anyway and none of the children (including ‘Isobel’) had a clue what the school was asking about - the other mum had invented it all. The mum asked for the children to be separated at school, which the school did. The mum asked for my child to be kept away from hers, but that was not the approach the school took - it was the other mum they called controlling and manipulative. She is now ‘that mum’, and my child received extra support from the school and other children. We cut all contact and blocked on SM. I don’t care what the other mum thinks or says, I can only control my reactions and support my child.
FF a year or so and our children get on okay at school (but no longer close). But it really is the Isobel in our situation I feel sorry for. My child had loving care and support and has a lovely group of new friends. ‘Our isobel’ is learning behaviours from her mum, and losing friends at her mum’s imagined slights. (The other mum has done this with other children/parents in school too.)

@Toomuchtroubleforme "She stole so many precious years and I just didn't know how bad it was...."
This is EXACTLY what I (still) feel re my DD's situation. Sorry but the only sympathy I have for Isobel revolves around her toxic mother (poor girl).

@LittleDoritt

How are you doing since your first post OP? Hope things have resolved themselves a little, so hard to navigate these things and find a space between being protective and allowing kids to experience things they'll have to learn to deal with as adults, I feel for you!

‘Please stop contacting me. The girls’ friendship has run its course. Dd was very hurt by the bullying accusations and as a result no longer wishes to continue this friendship.’

Also, "I will not send my daughter to play at the house of someone who would refer to her as you have on FB. And I will not have you or Isobel in my house after what you have said, given that you have probably made those comments to Isobel too."

And I would screenshot the messages and take them to the headteacher. This mother and her friends are being extremely inappropriate talking about children in this crude and abusive manner. The school should know what is going on in case of incidents at school.