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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DD BU to want to escape this friendship?

236 replies

LittleDoritt · 16/08/2019 13:20

Sorry, this is so long for what is essentially a storm in a teacup!

DD is 9 and has had the same BFF, Isobel, for four years. Isobel is a very bossy, domineering child and DD is a follower rather than a leader so they've always worked well as a pair, although it's been difficult to watch sometimes as a parent - e.g. as Isobel has told DD what she is "allowed" to wear or have for lunch that day. Isobel has no other friends.

Over the course of the last six months DD has met lots of new friends through some extra curricular activities and has a new found confidence. She's started "breaking" Isobel's rules, and sometimes pairs up with other girls for lunch or games. She's gone to parties and play dates that Isobel hasn't received an invitation to. This has gone down so so badly! It's like it's started WW3.

I've been receiving a barrage of messages (daily) from Isobel's mum about how DD is deliberately excluding her and making her life a misery. I tried to explain that DD was just spreading her wings a bit and still valued her friendship but then the messages changed to "your DD is a bully, she should be excluded from school" Shock I took the messages to the headteacher as I was horrified and he did a full investigation and found no evidence of any bullying. He was as baffled as I was as to what was going on in the mums mind.

I was looking forward to having a bit of a break from it all over the school holidays but I've been getting weekly messages from the mum about how important it is the girls repair their friendship and we must meet up.

The problem is that now DD knows she has been called a bully and interviewed by the headteacher etc she genuinely doesn't want anything to do with Isobel any more! Ive tried the MN favourite "Sorry, that's not going to work for us" but now every day this week there have been FB posts on the mum's wall about "little bitches" being horrible to her daughter and "mean girls getting their comeuppance". Her friends are writing things like "I'd give the mean little bitch a slap". Shock I really don't want anything to do with these people, but all the while I'm getting text messages asking to organise a play date or a sleepover.

They've been inseparable for four years up until now and we live in a tiny town. I don't know how to extricate DD from this!

It's DDs birthday in a couple of weeks and she is adamant that she doesn't want to invite Isobel. The fallout from that would be enormous - she has been to every one of Isobel's parties, as well as all of her brothers and cousins parties as well. I don't know how to approach this!

Can you give me some suggestions please, as I will still bump into this woman multiple times a day and the awkwardness is going to be acute.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 16/08/2019 16:47

That's part of the reason I feel sorry for Isobel - it is DD that has changed the goalposts, not her

What goalposts? There aren't any goalposts. It is a friendship (and not a very good one at that) which has run its course. Friendship groups can be very transient at their age an there is nothing you can do about that. There will be others, and better ones, as your DD is finding out for herself right now.

I know you aren't, but statements like that make you sound like you are blaming your DD for some of this. She is just ready to move on now, and Isobel needs to do the same, if her arse of a mother let's it happen.

billy1966 · 16/08/2019 16:51

It's amazing the child can think for herself as her mother has sat back from the years 6-9 and allowed her to be controlled.

The lack of boundaries is so awful.

You have been setting her up to be a target for bullying and domination in her relationships.

Perhaps you should look into some support for yourself in this area.

Topseyt · 16/08/2019 16:52

Just step back and leave them to it unless DD becomes distressed and asks for help.

Either they will drift apart and move on, or perhaps some years down the line they could reprise the relationship. Or not. You simply don't know and getting involved unnecessarily is utterly pointless.

Yappy12 · 16/08/2019 16:54

Are they in the same class at school then?

HillRunner · 16/08/2019 16:56

What this mum is doing is horrible, and it is bullying. Calling her a mean little bitch?!

Screenshot the messages. Block her on FB and block her number. Then pass the messages to the head so that they are aware that a PARENT is bullying your daughter.

HillRunner · 16/08/2019 16:57

And if the girls choose to reconcile then leave them to it. But steer clear of the mother as she's clearly unhinged.

ChicCroissant · 16/08/2019 16:58

I can't believe you have dragged this out right through the school holidays, OP. You should have acted much sooner.

Spell it out that the friendship will not be resuming for the foreseable future after her malicious bullying accusation, and should your DD ever want to meet up then you will contact her, not the other way around. Pick a firm response and use it consistently every time the mother contacts you ('no, as I said she doesn't want to meet up with Isobel after being falsely accused of bullying her').

Yes it may be uncomfortable for you but get on with it! Honestly, you'll feel better if you do.

HillRunner · 16/08/2019 16:59

And for God's sake don't comment on FB! Just quietly block.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 16/08/2019 17:01

Not all Isabel's are mean... Mine is very nice!!! 😂 😂 😂

Anyway, I would send a text saying, after recent events, the friendship seems to have waned a bit so in current circumstances I think it's best we give them a bit of distance. If she then continues to bombard you with texts tell her you tried being nice but this it, dd, has been left extremely hurt and upset by what's happened in the past, and while she will always be friendly and polite towards Isabel, she has moved on and has made new friends there is no longer a friendship so you would appreciate it if she no longer contacted you.
I would probably be a bit more arsey than that but that's the gist of it. How did the mum react to the school investigating the bullying claim? I'd also speak to the school about separating them and keeping an eye on the situation.

ControversialFerret · 16/08/2019 17:02

I think the advice to stay neutral and not go in all guns blazing, is sensible. Purely for the reason that in 2-3 years Isobel may well have matured into someone quite different and your DD may want to be friends with her again.

Delete her from FB and send one text back: The recent issues have made DD feel upset and cautious, so I'm sure you can understand why she's keen not to have a close friendship at the moment. Perhaps a bit of time and space over the holidays will be good for both of the girls.

Then ignore further texts and don't respond or engage. I know you are in a small community but take heart that for every person that's lapping up the FB drama, there will be several others thinking that this woman is batshit and totally unreasonable.

bumblebeejockstrap · 16/08/2019 17:07

This

cloudyapples
‘Please stop contacting me. The girls’ friendship has run its course. Dd was very hurt by the bullying accusations and as a result no longer wishes to continue this friendship.’

AwdBovril · 16/08/2019 17:17

I'd be inclined to let your DD have her way regarding the party - 4-5 friends horseriding. No Isobel. A shame for Isobel but, if she does feel that she is being bullied by your DD then she will feel relieved not to go, won't she. Hmm If, as is more likely the case, she is simply quite like her own mother, i.e. rather a queen bee type & doesn't like not being in control, she'll / they'll have to deal with it. Tough.
I wouldn't put any pictures on social media, although if you want to take a couple of snaps & pass them to the parent of the other children that would probably be fine.

Re Isobel & your DD in the future - hopefully Isobel will grow up a bit & realise not everything revolves around her. Maybe they could be friends again when they're older. I'd definitely steer clear of the mother though, she sounds hard work.

DesdemonasHandkerchief · 16/08/2019 17:22

I'm really hoping that 'Isobel' isn't this child's real name because if you live in a small village this is a very identifying thread.

HeyMonkey · 16/08/2019 17:32

Does the mother actually know that your daughter was told what to wear, what to eat, and wasn't allowed to talk to other children?

If not I'd be making the mother aware of that.

In an email, copying in the school, so what you've said can't be warped.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/08/2019 17:43

I can see why it would be tempting but I really wouldn't tell the mother or anyone else about the girls controlling behavior, at this stage

The time to address that was when it was happening, not after a fall out about her false accusations

She is unlikely to believe it, questions will be asked about why you never addressed it before, and there will be accusations that you've made this up now to 'get back at' Isobel, it will be added to the list of bullying behaviour against her

I'd just disengage

Original poster
LittleDoritt · 16/08/2019 17:48

Just to clarify and answer some questions -

It was a friend of the mother who made the slap comment, not the mother herself.

Yes, they are in the same class. They met on the first morning of school and were inseparable after that, so the friendship has been for their entire school lives.

Yes, we bump into them frequently. No chance of pretending to be away.

DD was very happy in the friendship. I didn't step in and dictate terms because she liked wearing the same as Isobel or eating the same lunch as her - it was just that she never got to give any input as to these choices. She would have been horrified if I had tried to manoeuvre her away from Isobel. She needed to get to that stage in her own time.

I'm am very conflict averse. I don't want to do anything that will lead to a public row on FB or a slanging match at the school date. I would much rather bury my head in the sand and hope Isobel finds a new friend - but I see I can't do that.

Thank you for all the suggestions of messages to send, they have been very useful as a template.

OP posts:
Marriedwithchildren5 · 16/08/2019 17:55

I'm a little Hmm about the whole telling your dd what to eat/wear. How in the world is this facilitated in a school at home? Surely school uniform and school dinners? As a parent, I'd see it that your dd has suddenly found new friends and dumped my her friend since school started. I can see why she's upset and taking her dd's side.

As for the nasty comments about a 9 year old on social media, You have posted on a social forum for some comments re a controlling 9 year old. You're both very similar imo.

oldbuthappygothgirl · 16/08/2019 18:02

What was your relationship like with the mother before the fall out, OP? Were you friends or just friendly with each other due to the friendship?

Caucho · 16/08/2019 18:02

You are responsible for your daughter and no one else. You also must be nice to be fretting so much. No doubt there will have been people from the other side posting at some point portraying your daughter as the bully but that is because almost everyone is biased when it comes to their kids. A lot of the time it’s not even conscious so won’t realise they are.

The relationship could have survived but there would have had to have been some acceptance of the ‘power shift’ and a change in the other girls mentality. Perhaps she has realised this and is prepared to change knowing she’s lost the only friend she has.

It too late now though with the bullying accusations and Facebook posts. As others have said I would not be comfortable with your daughter within the Mother’s presence as she clearly hates her. It could have survived on a less intense basis left to the kids but the mother has destroyed that chance and would have nothing to do with them

Beautiful3 · 16/08/2019 18:03

I would unfriend her on fb and not invite her to the party. If she asks why, explain the guest list is down to your daughter.

Icecreamsoda99 · 16/08/2019 18:09

DD was very happy in the friendship. I didn't step in and dictate terms because she liked wearing the same as Isobel or eating the same lunch as her - it was just that she never got to give any input as to these choices. She would have been horrified if I had tried to manoeuvre her away from Isobel. She needed to get to that stage in her own time.

Being a follower is not a good thing when the person your a following is controlling, and sometimes children need adults to point out to them that they deserve better treatment from their peers. I hope your daughter gets the support she needs to stand up for herself as she may have shaken off one Isobel but the world is full of other 'Isobels' both male and female who may well try and lead your daughter into much darker places.

teachermam · 16/08/2019 18:18

I'd block the mother
Friendships at that age can run courses
They both will have new friends in no time and may well become friends again in the future

minibroncs · 16/08/2019 18:20

I would not be going on Facebook things at all, these kind of issues can stir up some petty and nasty comments from stupid numpties, as in key board warriors

Whereas nobody on this thread is behaving like that? All on the basis of one unknown person's description of their side there are people calling someone they don't know crazy, a loon, an attention seeker, a bitch, a nutcase and calling her daughter (who was 5 years old when the friendship began and is still only 9) abusive and akin to an adult male committing domestic violence.

The suggestions of violence aside, how is what is happening on this thread any different from people on Facebook hearing a child is being bullied and reacting in extreme ways based solely off that one sided untested information?

I hope she's not on mumsnet, because it certainly looks like there's more than enough information on this thread for her to be able to identify herself and her daughter (even assuming Isobel is not her real name). Maybe even enough for other people who know her to recognise her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2019 18:28

Icecreamsoda
I totally agree. Op didn’t need to ban her dd from copying Isobel. Rather to point out she has choices and the right to express an opinion or desires, which differ from that of her peers.

My dd (11) is a bit like me in so much as she has taken a lot of shit in the past. But now because she’s been allowed and encouraged her voice - unlike me as a child - she has started to put boundaries in place. I never learnt that. Dd has a lot of friends these days and started doing lots of extra curricular activities a few months after she parted ways from her “Isobel”, she was only 6 at the time. It took a loooong time for her esteem to rebuild.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2019 18:31

To add, I agree with posters, who are advising you to take the fall. Not your dd. Ie to say you have decided x course of action. As the adult and parent your dd needs to know you are protecting her. This mother needs to know that too. Once you batten done the hatches she will eventually go away.