Is DD BU to want to escape this friendship?

[LittleDoritt]

Sorry, this is so long for what is essentially a storm in a teacup!

DD is 9 and has had the same BFF, Isobel, for four years. Isobel is a very bossy, domineering child and DD is a follower rather than a leader so they've always worked well as a pair, although it's been difficult to watch sometimes as a parent - e.g. as Isobel has told DD what she is "allowed" to wear or have for lunch that day. Isobel has no other friends.

Over the course of the last six months DD has met lots of new friends through some extra curricular activities and has a new found confidence. She's started "breaking" Isobel's rules, and sometimes pairs up with other girls for lunch or games. She's gone to parties and play dates that Isobel hasn't received an invitation to. This has gone down so so badly! It's like it's started WW3.

I've been receiving a barrage of messages (daily) from Isobel's mum about how DD is deliberately excluding her and making her life a misery. I tried to explain that DD was just spreading her wings a bit and still valued her friendship but then the messages changed to "your DD is a bully, she should be excluded from school" I took the messages to the headteacher as I was horrified and he did a full investigation and found no evidence of any bullying. He was as baffled as I was as to what was going on in the mums mind.

I was looking forward to having a bit of a break from it all over the school holidays but I've been getting weekly messages from the mum about how important it is the girls repair their friendship and we must meet up.

The problem is that now DD knows she has been called a bully and interviewed by the headteacher etc she genuinely doesn't want anything to do with Isobel any more! Ive tried the MN favourite "Sorry, that's not going to work for us" but now every day this week there have been FB posts on the mum's wall about "little bitches" being horrible to her daughter and "mean girls getting their comeuppance". Her friends are writing things like "I'd give the mean little bitch a slap". I really don't want anything to do with these people, but all the while I'm getting text messages asking to organise a play date or a sleepover.

They've been inseparable for four years up until now and we live in a tiny town. I don't know how to extricate DD from this!

It's DDs birthday in a couple of weeks and she is adamant that she doesn't want to invite Isobel. The fallout from that would be enormous - she has been to every one of Isobel's parties, as well as all of her brothers and cousins parties as well. I don't know how to approach this!

Can you give me some suggestions please, as I will still bump into this woman multiple times a day and the awkwardness is going to be acute.

Isobel sounds very controlling. Some kids do this because they get away with it. Some do it because there's other things going on and it's how they deal with anxiety. Regardless Isobels mum shouldn't have accused your dd of bullying. Im surprised she thinks the friendship can recover from that. Just tell her you don't think it's a good idea for the girls to play together anymore if she believes your dd to be a bully. If she thinks your dd is bullying hers why does she even want them to play together

Unfollow on Facebook
Consider blocking her number

I think most important is your DD gets the message that you have her back
Secondly that she realises Isabelle is only a
Little nightmare because of her mum
DD could consider a kinder approach but she needs to
Make the decision

This will blow over frankly if she has NO other mates then her Mum should surely realise

But don’t be bullied and block her messages

Ugh 😑 nightmare

It doesn't sound like Isobel has much of a chance with a DM like that.

I also feel sorry for Isobel. No wonder she found it hard to be a good friend, with a role model like her mum.

And it's the mums actions that have pushed the two friends away, it doesnt seem that Isobel directly accused the daughter of anything or went to a teacher herself to anything (though may have happened)

Not saying it's the OPs job to help Isobel in any way but I do feel sorry for her that her mum has ruined her only friendship! Yes her lack of friends is down to the way she acts but it doesnt sound like her own mum helps her with how to be a good friend

Just tell the mother your daughter is entitled to decide who her friends are, Isobel has been controlling in the past, your daughter has now matured enough to recognise that and doesn't want someone so controlling in her life now.

Also point out that you've seen the facebook messages, you don't appreciate them and that threatening to 'slap a little bitch' (of 9!) is unacceptable.

And don't invite Isobel to the party. It's your daughter's day. It's Isobel's bad luck and she may finally learn that to have friends you have to be friendly. Harsh lesson, her mum probably won't see it as her or Isobel's problem but if Isobel doesn't learn this now her life will be very very harsh in secondary school.

Protect your daughter from people like these - she's not a dumping ground for kids who can't behave properly. Isobel deserves what she gets I'm afraid.

Your dd is clearly better off away from Isabel, but you really should have addressed the issue yourself long before it’s come to a head like this.
She’s been a dominant force in your dd’s life for four years, to the extent of telling her what to wear and have for lunch, and you’ve allowed this to continue?
Does your dd get her passivity from you?

Yes, keep it bland and neutral with the mum, tempting though it must be to tell her where to get off - 'The friendship hasrun its course, we wish you well but let's leave it there.'
As for DD's birthday, it might be better to arrange something like a cinema trip for a few friends rather than a whole-class-apart-from-Isobel, which would be a bit bullying.

Isobel has no other friends
Well that's hardly surprising as she is a controlling little bully.
And you can see where she gets it from as well.
Ignore the mum.
Let your DD have the friends she wants.
She has learnt an early lesson about controlling people.
That's a great thing.
Just back up your DD and ignore Isobel's mums rants.

Send the screen shots of fb to the mum and say that you will not be facilitating a play date... Goodbye

What @hellsbellsmelons said.

Send Cloudyapple's text...

Isobel has no other friends because clearly nobody but your dd accepted being controlled like that. Had your dd refused to submit, Isobel would have learned her lesson a lot sooner. Four years...

Text and say you understand how upsetting it is but for now, you feel the girls need a break from one another. Giving each other some space will help them.

That’s the whole time they’ve been at school, isn’t it?

Op I've been in a similar situation (scarily similar actually!) It all came to a head in the run up to my dd's 10th birthday. Like you, the fallout from not inviting toxic friend would have been massive in our small community. Dd very sensibly agreed that instead of a party we'd have a really special day, no friends invited. She and I went to a spa, swim and hot tub then had our nails painted, then to cinema and family meal. Dd loved it and it saved so much drama. We then had a sleepover a few months later, unrelatedly to birthday but it softened the impact.

Slightly different perspective here as DD went through something very similar at 9 and we just quietly let it fizzle. I wouldn't take any decisive action at all if I were you - girls that age are so fickle. DD and the girl she had issues with are now at secondary school and are becoming friendly again - the girl is much more pleasant now and I'm glad I can interact with her mum without it being too awkward.

Precisely as Cloudyapples put it.

This is a very important life lesson for your DD, she needs to see you stand up and defend her wishes. She needs to see you being firm and refusing to support her remaining in a abusive friendship.

Add twenty years to this situation, and make Isobel your DD's boyfriend. Would you honestly want that for her or find it in any way acceptable? No? Then you need to teach her NOW that she deserves more than being treated like crap by anyone, and that its absolutely fine to ditch anyone controlling and abusive.

Kids often learn this stuff best by having it modelled, demonstrate the behavior you want her to.
Praise your DD for having the courage to stand up for her self respect and not remain in a toxic friendship.

As for it being awkward when you see the other mum, just stay firm and grit your teeth. Setting your DD up for a lifetime of healthy relationships is so much more important its off the scale.
Tbf I'd be livid with the other mum.and wouldn't find it at all awkward.

We have been in this situation with our daughter. We spoke to the school and asked for them to be kept separate from each other for pairing up etc. I told dd to be kind to the other girl but not to give in to her. So when she wanted dd to go off and play with her, I encouraged dd to say 'no I don't want to but you can join in and play with us if you want to'.
Don't exclude Isobel because that's not kind.
I would definitely be pointing out to her mum though that her Facebook posts are absolutely unacceptable! I would may be try to explain to her why your dd doesn't want to be friends with her dd in a nice calm way.
We found that now our dd is in secondary the friendship had ended anyway. It's more difficult in primary as they are such small classes and children that age are so fickle with friendships

I remember those days and I'm sympathetic to you being in this position. I'm also sympathetic to Isobel and her mum, but it's so important that your daughter is allowed to choose her own friends and distance herself from toxic people. Although isobel is only 9, her behaviors are toxic to your daughter and her mum getting involved blowing it up is doing her no favors. I like the suggestion of just telling the mum that the friendship has run its course and your daughter was hurt by the accusations. Unfortunately Isobel has no other friends and I'm sure it's heartbreaking to her mother BUT it's her mother's issue, not your daughter's. There are way more productive ways for her to handle it. If your daughter is inviting everyone from school, i think it's wrong to exclude one person. If she's inviting a select group then I'd say it's ok.

Good on your dd for finally standing up for herself. This has been a pretty toxic friendship.

I feel really sorry for Isobel. She is completely copying what she’s learnt. There is no way that you can tell this woman to back off without her being aggressive. However I would do it kindly. There is a little girl, who is confused and hurting, who doesn’t have a mummy, who is looking out for her best interests as you are with your dd. It is a shame the situation got to this point.

It is never good to be so totally independent on one child for friendship. For starters it puts far too much pressure on the other child. If you wish to be kind to Isobel perhaps consider talking to the teacher about a) wanting to maintain a distance between the two girls including during lesson times ie not to group them together, but b) informing the teacher Isobel is likely going to go through a tough time as you think she may have no friends right now.

Whatever you do, do not bite on social media. Screen shot posts for the school if you decide not to block her.

I was your DD.

I had my own “Isobel” in primary school. She was very domineering, manipulative and bossy and hated it when I played with others.

We went to the same secondary school but were placed in different forms. I started to spread my wings, made new friends and gained confidence. My Isobel cried and cried to her mum and the teachers to be moved to my form as she was lonely and didn’t have any friends (even though I found out from other girls in her form that everyone had been really nice to her and tried to include her).

Unfortunately the teachers listened and moved her into my form. She then picked up where she left off, the little confidence I had gained went away and she told lies to me new friends about me and turned them against me. I didn’t manage to extricate myself from the friendship until 6th form, when I finally ditched her, made good friends and never looked back. But my school years from year 7-11 were miserable, my confidence non existent and she had a big part in that.

Please, please stand up for and support your DD fully in this. I wish someone had seen the damage my Isobel was doing to me and had stepped in.

Agree to maybe skipping a party or doing something different to save fallout and drama and hopefully it will have all blown over by next year.

Also agree to simply backing away and leaving them to it a little rather, they may well sort it out themselves and as for checking what she's posting on FB, I wouldn't bother - just unfriend or mute so it's not bothering you and get on with other things.

I do feel sorry for the little girl, she is too young to be labelled as controlling or anything other than a kid trying to learn.

Dd was in a similar situation, it caused a lot of psychological damage that took years to recover from. It's an abusive, controlling relationship. Age and gender are irrelevant.

I have to say you lost respect and sympathy from me when you said you're reluctant to block her because you're nosy. Grow up op.

I think we can see why Isobel is so domineering and demanding! Her mother sounds like a bloody nightmare.

I had a friend like this in primary school, funnily enough also called Isobel.
She hated that I had friends outside of school, and that other children invited me to play with them at break time and sit with them at lunch.
My parents stuck to their guns and encouraged me to continue making new friends, and to not allow anyone to control me.
It sounds as though your daughter has decided the friendship isn't in her best interests, so I'd just send a message to her parents stating this and your support for your daughter.
It's not bullying to not want to be friends with a bully.
I would take screenshots of the FB status and comments just in case, and unfriend the Mum on FB.
It's not worth dragging it out. Your daughter has made up her mind and you're doing the correct thing in supporting this.