Is DD BU to want to escape this friendship?

[LittleDoritt]

Sorry, this is so long for what is essentially a storm in a teacup!

DD is 9 and has had the same BFF, Isobel, for four years. Isobel is a very bossy, domineering child and DD is a follower rather than a leader so they've always worked well as a pair, although it's been difficult to watch sometimes as a parent - e.g. as Isobel has told DD what she is "allowed" to wear or have for lunch that day. Isobel has no other friends.

Over the course of the last six months DD has met lots of new friends through some extra curricular activities and has a new found confidence. She's started "breaking" Isobel's rules, and sometimes pairs up with other girls for lunch or games. She's gone to parties and play dates that Isobel hasn't received an invitation to. This has gone down so so badly! It's like it's started WW3.

I've been receiving a barrage of messages (daily) from Isobel's mum about how DD is deliberately excluding her and making her life a misery. I tried to explain that DD was just spreading her wings a bit and still valued her friendship but then the messages changed to "your DD is a bully, she should be excluded from school" I took the messages to the headteacher as I was horrified and he did a full investigation and found no evidence of any bullying. He was as baffled as I was as to what was going on in the mums mind.

I was looking forward to having a bit of a break from it all over the school holidays but I've been getting weekly messages from the mum about how important it is the girls repair their friendship and we must meet up.

The problem is that now DD knows she has been called a bully and interviewed by the headteacher etc she genuinely doesn't want anything to do with Isobel any more! Ive tried the MN favourite "Sorry, that's not going to work for us" but now every day this week there have been FB posts on the mum's wall about "little bitches" being horrible to her daughter and "mean girls getting their comeuppance". Her friends are writing things like "I'd give the mean little bitch a slap". I really don't want anything to do with these people, but all the while I'm getting text messages asking to organise a play date or a sleepover.

They've been inseparable for four years up until now and we live in a tiny town. I don't know how to extricate DD from this!

It's DDs birthday in a couple of weeks and she is adamant that she doesn't want to invite Isobel. The fallout from that would be enormous - she has been to every one of Isobel's parties, as well as all of her brothers and cousins parties as well. I don't know how to approach this!

Can you give me some suggestions please, as I will still bump into this woman multiple times a day and the awkwardness is going to be acute.

Her friends are writing things like "I'd give the mean little bitch a slap". shock I really don't want anything to do with these people, but all the while I'm getting text messages asking to organise a play date or a sleepover

Easy. “You have been writing on FB that DD is a bitch and needs a slap. There is no way that I would allow her to visit your house under those circumstances. Please do not contact me or my daughter again.” Then block. Any fallout, repeat (loudly, so other playground mothers can hear) “you have made threats to my daughter, and I am not comfortable with her spending time with your family any more”. Job done.

What did she say when (presumably?) the school called her in to give her the findings of their bullying investigation? Did she think they were lying?! In September, I would be inclined to have another meeting with the head and perhaps the new form teacher to tell them what has been going on over the summer holidays and ask for their help in keeping your daughters blossoming confidence going.

In response to the mother, I am not sure how direct you want to be?
“I really feel that after 4 years plus, the girls friendship has run its course. Thanks to (extra-curricular activity), my daughter has gained in confidence and has finally found the courage to say ‘no’ to Isobel. I am sorry that Isobel finds this unacceptable but it has been an unhealthy dynamic for a long time - are you aware that Isobel dictated what my dd could and couldn’t wear? What she could and couldn't have for lunch? She is now branching out and making new friends and whilst she was once delighted to include Isobel in this (if Isobel “allowed” it), the false accusations of bullying were really hurtful and now she no longer wants to be friends. The school investigated the bullying accusations at MY instigation and this was performed through the proper channels and I will be going back in to see the head in September as a follow up.”

I would not be going on Facebook things at all, these kind of issues can stir up some petty and nasty comments from stupid numpties, as in key board warriors.

You are talking about school children here, as in,things like this must happen all the time.
It's great that your daughter has come into her own now, she will remember it later, and probably laugh about it.

The other Mother is way too silly,and over invested with this issue.

It needed to end at the accusation of bullying! I would block mum. They are in a class together so their friendship should remain at school, not out of it. You are being controlled.

Am I the only one who’s shocked that OP has permitted Isobel to control her DD for four years?!! No child would be telling my DC what to wear or eat! A responsible parent would have stepped in and put a stop to this abusive “friendship” long ago.

OP just tell this woman that the friendship has obviously run its course. Then keep your DD away from Isobel. She’s just a child, it’s up to you to protect her from this sort of controlling abusive behaviour. I wouldn’t block the mum though - change your settings so she can’t see your posts, but keep her as a friend so you can be aware of any threats she makes or any plots to hurt your DD. And make note of others who make nasty comments, you’ll need to watch your back.

Isobel has no other friends because clearly nobody but your dd accepted being controlled like that. Had your dd refused to submit, Isobel would have learned her lesson a lot sooner. Four years...

Sure, blame the OPs DD, it’s all her fault she’s been controlled for 4 years. Do you take the same view of women in abusive relationships?

you should feel sorry for the child who's being talked about and threatened on Facebook.

Isn’t”t it possible to feel sorry for them both. Neither of the adults seem to have taken any time to sort it out.

I had a similar situation when I was your DD's age. The 'Isobel' had gradually lost most of her friendships during primary school by making everyone follow her rules - and was known to slap anyone who disobeyed her! In about year 5 her mother moved her two a different school because she was 'being bullied by the whole class'.

My mum and Isobel's mum were friends, so I was forced to continue this 'friendship' outside of school. On one playdate, I locked myself in the bathroom to get away from her. Please don't do what my mother did! Please let your DD move on, and tell Isobel's mum why.

I'd be a bit wary of what you send to the mum as clearly she is an attention seeking drama llama and it will be shared around in an instant.

It's really down to you to judge whether the situation requires a response, but my inclination would be to just back away and not engage with mad bullying mother again. Tell DD to be polite to Isobel but keep hanging out with her new friends.

Don't reply to any messages and if you do have to see her, just be polite and refuse to be drawn into conversation - you are terribly busy. Don't allow yourself to be bullied, you owe her nothing, not even your attention.

As far as DDs party goes, if it is not a whole class party, no need to invite Isobel.

I wouldn't mention the extracurricular activity in any communication, the next thing you'll know is that they'll rock up there.

I had a friend like this in primary school, funnily enough also called Isobel.

Ohmigod is there something about the name Isobel?!? My eldest had similar problems with an Isobel who was initially friendly, then turned nasty-mean when my daughter wouldn't do everything the way she (Isobel) wanted.

Personally, I'd invite the child to the birthday party. Not inviting her will cause huge ructions and is a bit mean IMO.

What a bizarre situation! It's clear your daughters friend gets her bossy traits from her mother. You and your daughter should avoid them both and let it all blow over, there's nothing you can say that they'll accept

everyone is being so polite... I'd go a bit more mama bear... and I'd do it face to face.

"YOU accused my child of being a bully, so will you please fuck off with your playdate crap, and if any of that petty FB stuff is aimed at us get over yourself, I've screen-shotted the threats of slapping in case evidence is needed in future, thank you and goodbye."

(I did say please and thank you...)

”Are you aware that Isobel dictated what my dd could and couldn’t wear? What she could and couldn’t have for lunch?”
This just sounds ridiculous. She could reasonably counter this with wondering why, if op apparently knew these things, she did nothing?

Christ, what a bitch (the mum not the child)

I would cut all contact with the child's mother and her daughter.

I agree with this. Block her from messaging you. Cut her off on social media. You and your DD are better than this shit.

No, I don’t Yabbers. But this child’s mother claims she’s been aware of the dynamic between them the whole time.

I would send a text and say thank you for the suggestion but the friendship has run its course. Delete her off Facebook or at minimum unfollow and restrict her.
If she continues to call your dd a bully then don’t reply and take it up with the school. Tell the school your dd isn’t bullying her, the friendship has run its course and you’d appreciate them being kept separate.
I’d be cautious about speaking about it to her because they might make up again in sept and want to carry on a friendship.

I agree with everyone else about a short, to the point message about the friendship running its course and then blocking.

One thing I will say is this: 99% of people on the woman's Facebook will think she is an absolute bitch for the shit she is posting. Even those commenting will be doing it just to keep in with her, perhaps she intimidated people.

It doesn't matter how you approach this, she is an unreasonable woman who won't suddenly gain reason. So I would simply bite the bullet, reply with "The friendship has run its course and our daughters need to enjoy new friends" and block.

Sorry, we have decamped to Clip and Climb to escape the rain and I wasn't expecting so many responses!

You are right. I have been far too passive. It's never crossed my mind that if Isobel has learned her controlling behaviour from her mum, my DD is equally likely to have learned her passive behaviour from me. The idea of her falling into a relationship like this one as a grown woman is chilling tbh.

My DD is quite an anxious little soul, a rule follower and perfectionist. I think she found Isobel's rules quite reassuring to begin with, if that makes sense? That's part of the reason I feel sorry for Isobel - it is DD that has changed the goalposts, not her. I guess I should have stepped in, but DD seemed quite happy in the friendship... until she wasn't anymore.

I think I'm more of a doormat than I realised.

Call the mum out on the Facebook posts! I’d say something like don’t message me asking to organise a play day when your posting vile comments online that are clearly aimed at my daughter.

This and screenshot the messages as evidence if anything kicks off so you can show the school. Calling 9 year old little girls bitches would seal the deal for me.

Also, DD wants to have four or five friends come horse riding for her birthday, so definitely not a full class party. I wouldn't exclude even the most awful child in that way. Isobel has always had Number One slot on DDs invite list though, so no matter how small the celebration it will hurt her not to be included.

Am I the only one who’s shocked that OP has permitted Isobel to control her DD for four years?!!
Nope not the only one, thank goodness the daughter has learnt to say no, it is very sad that she has been basically bullied for so long! OP you need to block on Facebook it is unhealthy to keep wanting to check in what she is saying.

I’d stand up for my daughter.

This does not sound like bullying or excluding by your DD.

I’d try chatting to her face to face. Cut out all the texting and messaging. I’d try explaining patiently that this is not excluding and why. Her DD is obviously upset so if she can see you are sympathetic that might help.

If playing nice and fair does not work. I’d get very serious about social media slagging off and tell her that she is not to write about your DD on ny social media.

you see I'd try and minimise it with the other mum

"Ah Isabel and DD are just having a temporary spat, I'm sure it'll sort itself out soon, in the meantime probably best not to interfere and I'm sure they'll be friends again soon"

Then leave it! No play dates or party invites or anything, and no embarrassment if your DD does become friends with her again.

I agree with ticking, there is no need to escalate things especially as the other mother is such a loon. Her reply is perfect
I too feel sorry for isobel and it is hard as everyone was happy with the status quo for a very long time and she is a very small child who now has no one.

I would arrange to see the mum on her own and explain everything. You can do it gently. I would just say that Isobel has been the stronger personality in the friendship and DD was beginning to be unhappy. You can explain about Isobel’s rules etc. Then that your dd has made some other friends who don’t have Isobel’s rules and although she wasn’t dumping Isobel the bullying accusations have really upset her. I would say it seems that they have outgrown each other a bit and maybe some space would help.

I feel a bit sorry for Isobel as obviously she hasn’t learned to partake in friendships on an equal basis.

My worry about FB retaliatory comets etc would be that they would inflame the situation and make going back to school horrible for both girls.

It might be possible to salvage some form of friendship and head off a problem later.