Is DD BU to want to escape this friendship?

[LittleDoritt]

Sorry, this is so long for what is essentially a storm in a teacup!

DD is 9 and has had the same BFF, Isobel, for four years. Isobel is a very bossy, domineering child and DD is a follower rather than a leader so they've always worked well as a pair, although it's been difficult to watch sometimes as a parent - e.g. as Isobel has told DD what she is "allowed" to wear or have for lunch that day. Isobel has no other friends.

Over the course of the last six months DD has met lots of new friends through some extra curricular activities and has a new found confidence. She's started "breaking" Isobel's rules, and sometimes pairs up with other girls for lunch or games. She's gone to parties and play dates that Isobel hasn't received an invitation to. This has gone down so so badly! It's like it's started WW3.

I've been receiving a barrage of messages (daily) from Isobel's mum about how DD is deliberately excluding her and making her life a misery. I tried to explain that DD was just spreading her wings a bit and still valued her friendship but then the messages changed to "your DD is a bully, she should be excluded from school" I took the messages to the headteacher as I was horrified and he did a full investigation and found no evidence of any bullying. He was as baffled as I was as to what was going on in the mums mind.

I was looking forward to having a bit of a break from it all over the school holidays but I've been getting weekly messages from the mum about how important it is the girls repair their friendship and we must meet up.

The problem is that now DD knows she has been called a bully and interviewed by the headteacher etc she genuinely doesn't want anything to do with Isobel any more! Ive tried the MN favourite "Sorry, that's not going to work for us" but now every day this week there have been FB posts on the mum's wall about "little bitches" being horrible to her daughter and "mean girls getting their comeuppance". Her friends are writing things like "I'd give the mean little bitch a slap". I really don't want anything to do with these people, but all the while I'm getting text messages asking to organise a play date or a sleepover.

They've been inseparable for four years up until now and we live in a tiny town. I don't know how to extricate DD from this!

It's DDs birthday in a couple of weeks and she is adamant that she doesn't want to invite Isobel. The fallout from that would be enormous - she has been to every one of Isobel's parties, as well as all of her brothers and cousins parties as well. I don't know how to approach this!

Can you give me some suggestions please, as I will still bump into this woman multiple times a day and the awkwardness is going to be acute.

*I'd be saying to her that obviously in light of her actions in falsely accusing my daughter of bullying, and her vicious aggressive posts clearly aimed at my daughter on Facebook, neither my daughter nor myself wish to continue any sort of relationship with either of them. We wish them all the best for the future, but relationships between ourselves and them are henceforth at an end.

I would definitely be screenshotting the facebook messages, and giving the school a heads up - I had to do similar with my daughter in a fairly similar situation.*

This.
There is absolutely no way I'd be accomodating requests from a woman who was happy to have her delightful friends essentially encouraging violence against my daughter! And I'd tell her that as well, that there is no way my DD will be seeing hers outside of school because of this

@LittleDoritt

Personally, in this type of situation, I would cut all contact with the child's mother and her daughter. You need to protect your daughter and it sounds like even though they were friends for 4 years, it was a friendship which was not benefiting your daughter.

I would block her number, block on facebook, block from any other social media or ways of communication. I would not even discuss anything with this mother or justify why your daughter doesn't want to be friends with her daughter. I think the previous bullying accusation is enough for her to realise why you do not want to communicate in any shape or form anymore.

Once you block her, just forget it all and the only time she can actually try to speak to is at the school gates. In that case, just say you are in a rush and cannot talk. You do not need to justify or explain anything to her as you are way past. The mother wants to be as controlling as her daughter but you need to make it clear that you are unwilling to put up any BS from now on.

As long as there is a two-way line of communication via text or phone calls etc, the mother is always going to push on her thoughts and demands. Once you cut that pathway of communication, she can only make her demands to an empty room.

Good for your daughter for getting confidence and making new friends.

How on earth does the mother think there’s a way back from her vile behaviour? She sounds unhinged tbf, tell her due to her irrational carry on the damage is done and it’s time to move on.

I would message back Isobel’s mum and say “sorry my DD has said she would rather not have a sleepover/play date with Isobel and I respect her decision”

In regards to party - if it’s a few friends but not whole class then yes it’s fine to exclude her, if it’s whole class then it’s very harsh to exclude her and in reality if your DD has loads going on at her party she won’t have time to really socialise with Isobel one to one anyway.

I'd go ahead and organise one play date, but you and her mother to be in attendance so you can interrupt Isobel if she is being bossy/mean and the mother will see it.

You need to unfollow on FB and really try to ignore her ridiculous posts. It’s no good letting that drivel into your head.

Tell you DD. Be kind, but be yourself, Isobel may well have changed some but I wouldn’t be putting my DDs happiness secondary to hers after all these antics.

Screenshots of posts then block on every platform. Some parents just live for a reaction!

Send a single text just to make sure the other mum is clear on where you stand.

“Dd’s friendship with Isobel has waned following the bullying allegation at school. It’s unfortunate that they’ve had an issue but dd is not looking to meet up with Isobel for the time being. I’m sure you will understand.”

Then after that IGNORE HER! I understand that you live in a small community but this shit will not stick to you as much as you think. People have actually got better things to worry about. Promise. Xx

I would tell the Mother that their friendship has run its course, it happens with young children. I’d probably also explain exactly how her precious ‘angel’ actually acts towards your DD. Then I’d be inclined to block her in all honesty.

I wouldn’t talk about the friendship running it’s course simply because Isobel May turn out to be very pleasant in a few years. Or the girls may rekindle their friendship on a different footing. I know it seems unlikely now but you never know.

Maybe say you (not your dd) have decided it’s best for the girls have a break from one another over the summer. State your dd is very upset at being called a bully as that was definitely not her intention. Say you are sorry her dd may be disappointed by the decision.

As for the party, if you are having almost all the girls from the class, you should include all the girls and Isobel. If you are inviting a few, that’s fine. Yes, it will hurt Isobel but I don’t think you should just not have the party. Your plans should not be dictated to by someone else.

Like mother like daughter, by the sound of it, and both of you would be well rid of the two of them. Classic PA bullying from the mother, and her poor DD is learning this behaviour from her, and losing out.

You are right to support your DD in wanting to break free, and unfortunately it sounds as if this woman is going to make it as difficult and unpleasant as possible.

Absolutely unfriend her and give no further thought what she might be putting on FB, it's going to be upsetting and for no purpose.

Nobody wants to listen to this type of complaining for very long, her friends will get fed up with it and she will get bored and switch to something else.

Be wary, I had a run in similar to this with a mother who cried to anyone that would listen about something similar when I stuck up for my son. I think I would just explain that the bully accusations have really upset your dd and that she is now wary of spending time with Isobel. Your dd isn’t unkind and will play with everyone. Given the party though, I would probably no want to exclude her but I would suggest having a delayed party until all of this has blown over and perhaps a play date with cake and balloons with a small group of friends.

Good luck!

Age and gender are irrelevant.

No they're not.

It's not for the OP to fix. It's for the OP's DD to be kind, but no more.

But the mother and the school need to work together to help this little girl.

I had a friend like this in primary school, funnily enough also called Isobel.

Funnily enough my dd had similar problems as OP with an Isobel, and I also had problems with the mother on social media.
It kicked off when dd was 9 and dd has never spoken to her since, and has had a better life for it. She’s 22 now.

Interesting that you've noticed Isobel was controlling DD but have you noticed how Isobel's mother is trying to control YOU? Even her fake-victim accusations of bullying. It's all a control game. The fact you're giving this nonsense a second thought instead of telling her to shove off (or just ignoring her) makes it clear Isobel's mother has gotten inside your head.
God help Isobel when she decides to do something her mother doesn't like. But this awful mother/child are not actually your responsibility.

"I'm sorry, but DD was too traumatised by the investigation into the false bullying accusations to be friends with Isobel any more"

Thinking only from a what best for your dd....I think I would bridge the fall out then distance myself. Only because it's easier to be around someone who you have drifted apart from then to be around someone when everyone else and you both know there is ill feeling between you. I would clear the air and then be too busy to meet up often. Cinema or bowling sound a good idea. For her birthday I would have something with a few friend this year and pray isobel doesn't find out. If she does I would blame space in the car but we can do a McDonalds evening with her or just have her if u can bring yourself. It's a hard one but think your daughter will be around her at school for years and it would be nice to try and get "the elephant out the room" for them. If that makes sense. She doesn't sound like a good friend for your daughter (her mother is another level) but she may mature and change. Ultimately she is only 9. It's a hard one. Plus the fact they were friends for years doesn't change and it would be sad for it to end this way.
Having said all that not sure I could follow my own advice....calling your dd a bully must have made your blood boil. Good luck.

YANBU and you really should screenshot the mad stuff Isobel’s mother is posting on fb then block her.

However I do feel sorry for this girl as she very possibly has no idea what she’s done wrong because she’s never been pulled up on how she treats her friends. By the sounds of her mother’s behaviour, it’s no wonder she’s like that. Mummy tries to steamroll people into doing what she wants them to do so Isobel does this too. Still not your daughter’s responsibility to put up with all this stuff though.

@BirthdayCakes you should feel sorry for the child who's being talked about and threatened on Facebook.

OP. Please, PLEASE encourage your little one to spread her wings and flourish. Unfortunately, you cannot do anything about the other child and her Mother but you can make sure your child feels safe and has a lovely bunch of friends

Am Irightorameringue .Very sound advice here , I agree completely .

The apple hasn't fallen fat from the tree has it? Screenshot everything before blocking Facebook, WhatsApp and any other means this woman has of getting in contact then put her and her daughter to the back of your mind.

I would send a longer but honest message.

"DD values Isobel's friendship and continues to do so even when she also spread her wings and developed further friendships. Isobel was always welcome to join in if she wants. However - now she has accused DD of being a bully DD a) doesn't wish to continue the friendship because b) if they do have a disagreement she's likely to be accused of bullying again".

Living in small community can be hellish sometimes.
OP, encourage your DD to form new friendships and to stand her ground. Do not give in.

Isobel’s mother is a nutcase, not difficult to guess why the girl is the way she is( mother dear).

Do not reply to anything on fb as you have no proof she’s talking about you/your DD-you know she is but please don’t raise to her bait and give crazy woman the ammunition.You won’t manage to convince her cronies she’s the one in the wrong and normal people will see what she’s like.

Unfollow mother of fb or block her if you want, be civil and state as previous posters that girls’ friendship has run its course or spell it out to her that her direct accusations in messages to you make you think you and your DD’s should go separate ways,wishing them both well

Any threatening messages sent directly to you should be reported to headteacher(if involving your DD) and/or police.

Sorry.
Valued and wanted. My phone seems to want to discuss this in an alternative tense!

I would send a message saying they are old enough that we shouldn't be trying to choose their friends for them and that adults getting involved hasn't helped. They've grown apart, but might be friends at some point again in the future, if it's a small community, so don't burn bridges.

For the party/birthday - can you do something related to the hobby that your DD made new friends at? If it was a dancing class, going to a show - if it was canoeing a trip to a water sport centre... that kind of thing. So it would be okay to ask those who also do the hobby, but not Isobel, who doesn't do it.