Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has ever been the Other Woman...and had it work out?

236 replies

Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:31

Just that really - have you ever been the OW (or know anyone who has) and you have ended up in a serious, long lasting relationship with him? And did you worry that he would do the same and did he/has he? Name change for this one but would rather not give details as could be outing even so...

OP posts:
100timewforgotten · 16/08/2019 07:35

You know your going to getting flamed for this thread OP.

I only know of one person it worked out for but she was always known as the other woman in the village we live.

Original poster
Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:37

@100timewforgotten interesting - and I know this sounds like a back track but I’m not actually the OW in the situation I am thinking about.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/08/2019 07:37

Truly a difficult question on here. I have seen some say yes so you’ll have that but you are going to be fllamed big style-try reading the relationship board and then understand the devastation this causes to the woman/family whose man you are trying to take. Are you prepared to do that to another woman? If he’s unhappy in his relationship then encourage him to sort it out one way or the other but do not get involved unless he is completely free.

100timewforgotten · 16/08/2019 07:39

Really think about it. It's so easy to get caught up in the lust filled stage and you forget about the long term. If the person is thinking of cheating on their partner then they need to end it before starting anything up with you or anyone.

Original poster
Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:39

@MrsElijah oh I totally agree - I purposefully kept my own thoughts on the matter out of the post otherwise I could rant for days. To be clear I am not an OW and never will be. I just am interested to hear from the POV of women who have been and who have ended up with it ‘working out’ so to speak!

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 16/08/2019 07:40

I know a couple.
In both cases the wife had cheated on the husband previously.

Knitwit99 · 16/08/2019 07:41

Yes, me. Been together 15 years, 3 kids

I hate the OW phrase, it implies innocent man in mutually loving, happy and fulfilling marriage lured away by man-eating woman.

Sometimes people find each other in less than ideal circumstances.

I don't worry he will do it again because we are happy together. There was a period of time after dc3 was born when we were really unhappy and it did enter my mind that he might. But we sorted ourselves out and now no, I never worry about that.

Original poster
Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:42

@AuntieMarys interesting, so they saw it as a sort of tit for tat thing???

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 16/08/2019 07:43

well there was a post yesterday from a woman who had been the o.w, but had went on to marry him and was still with him 17 years later, so it worked out for her (her post was about how her sil still referred to ber as the o.w)

Nabana · 16/08/2019 07:43

I can't imagine it could ever truly be a happy relationship, surely at the back of every OWs mind is the fact her partner cheated on someone he (at least once) loved for her, so what is stopping him doing it again (the answer- nothing). You can't trust a cheater.

Chasingsquirrels · 16/08/2019 07:45

One if my uncles had an 8 year affair and eventually left his wife when I was about 14 (his kids were a similar age).
His affair partner was also married with children although I don't know how / when that ended.
They are still together now over 30 years later, in their late 70's, and have always seemed very happy.

Another couple I know had a 2 year affair and he left his wife and the affair couple stayed together and were also very happy.

Fontofnoknowledge · 16/08/2019 07:48

Yes . My mother and stepfather.

Had affair. Both in very unhappy marriages with people they had so little in common with - that it defied belief they could manage a conversation with each other let alone a marriage and children .

Had a lot to do with parental expectation and money (marrying the people your parents wanted you to marry)

Affair couple married for 25yrs now. No - never once thought either would cheat again. They are extremely compatible.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/08/2019 07:51

You will get flamed, but understandably many women here have been cheated on and are very bitter because of the pain caused to them and their children.

I have a friend who married quite young. Not a success, no children fortunately, but they plodded along for a few years until she met another man at work and ended up having an affair with him. He was married with teenaged children, so it was a horrible mess. They both divorced and have been very happily married for over 20 years now. His first wife is apparently still very angry but her children seem to get on well with their stepmother and she has been a terrific stepgran to their children. Their marriage has now lasted at least as long as his first marriage and as far as I know neither of them has been unfaithful.

Original poster
Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:52

@Nabana. That would be my thought too so it is interesting to hear from others where that hasn’t been the case!

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:53

@Chickychoccyegg yes I only saw that post after I posted this! Very interesting!

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:54

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g absolutely and I can totally understand.

OP posts:
PostNotInHaste · 16/08/2019 08:01

It did for someone I knew for about 17 years and 2 children. She confidently told me he would never cheat on her after the hurt they caused his first wife. Sadly for her he did.

missyB1 · 16/08/2019 08:01

Yes I know a couple who got together through an affair. They have been happily married for over 10 years now and have a child together. I don’t judge them, their previous lives are their business. No doubt there are things in my past that they could judge me on. Although there were no dcs involved in their divorces.

kjhkj · 16/08/2019 08:04

Yes, DH was recently married when we met (no children). We've been together over 20 years, married for 17 and have two fab DC. We are very happy and secure.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 16/08/2019 08:04

Have you never heard the phrase "marry the mistress and create a vacancy"

I think being the OW or OM indicates a loose set of morals and respect for toward and therefore either are likely to do it again. There is absolutely no reason to cheat - why can't people end their relationship first????

SophyStantonLacy · 16/08/2019 08:06

My dad had three affairs while he was married to my mum. First one he didn’t end up leaving my mum for, and the OW had spent a couple of years waiting, trying to make friends with us kids etc. Second one he left my mum but came back. Third one they got married so I guess it worked out for her...

Fontofnoknowledge · 16/08/2019 08:08

Nabana
I can't imagine it could ever truly be a happy relationship, surely at the back of every OWs mind is the fact her partner cheated on someone he (at least once) loved for her, so what is stopping him doing it again (the answer- nothing). You can't trust a cheater.

That's a very blinkered attitude that fills that stereotype that all 'OW' are some kind of femme fatale tempting married men with their sexual availability OR that a man in a miserable marriage will continually cheat even once he has left a bad marriage and formed a good one. Both are massive generalisations that decry the hugely challenging and complicated nature of most people's relationships and also perpetuates the lie that a 'left' spouse is always some kind of virtuous angel. Where the marriage the man is leaving has no problems and was happy in all ways had it not been for the other woman ripping him from this domestic harmony against his will.
Men do not leave happy fulfilling, mutually respectful relationships anymore than women do.

People in an unhappy marriages are always advised to leave first. The problem for men - with this , is that they almost never get to leave an unhappy marriage with their children.

Yes they can leave but that means leaving children so they cheat , in an effort to have it all. (New relationship AND live with children) I am not for one moment condoning this but I do understand why it happens.

In contrast, it is fairly unusual for women with children to cheat. They are MUCH more likely to do the right thing and leave the existing relationships when they become unhappy. This isn't because women are 'more moral' - it's simply because they rarely have to choose between staying in a bad marriage and losing their children.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 16/08/2019 08:10

I was the OW, however he was very convincing and I wholeheartedly did not know they were together until she confronted him very publically. He did then have an affair on me too with a woman who had no issues sleeping with him in MY bed whilst our son was fighting sepsis in hospital..

FourEyesGood · 16/08/2019 08:12

My mum was the OW. My dad had an affair with her, left his wife (and two children) and started a new family with my mum. They had two children (my brother and me) and stayed married until his death more than 30 years later. I’ve never asked my mum how she felt about being the OW, but I know my half-siblings were very resentful for a long time - and understandably so.

Ticklemeelmo · 16/08/2019 08:15

Yes, I know of two married couples with kids whose relationships started out as affairs