To ask if anyone has ever been the Other Woman...and had it work out?

[Birdtablegreen]

Just that really - have you ever been the OW (or know anyone who has) and you have ended up in a serious, long lasting relationship with him? And did you worry that he would do the same and did he/has he? Name change for this one but would rather not give details as could be outing even so...

Surely couples who came together after an affair have more of a vested interest to "prove" their relationship than those who got together legitimately.

Therefore, it stands to reason that a fair proportion of these "happy couples" aren't as happy as they're making out?

I'm sure in some cases it works but frankly there's piss all excuse for it and having a happy relationship with the OW/OM does not justify the choice.

There’s no doubt in the situation I mentioned the children were affected badly at the time. Lots of fall out that lasted for years.

But the couple lasted and have been happier.

First she was the nanny for the family. Had an affair with the husband. She ended up pregnant and they've now been married over 20 years with two children. They're a fantastic couple and a wonderful family.

Yes, they both sound a delight.

Name changed for this .
Both of us in relationships over 20 years . My ex was abusive and I had no confidence and was desperately unhappy. He isolated me from my family and restricted me financially. Physical abuse towards my children and me . Other man supported me emotionally and gave me the strength to leave my relationship with my children which I did secretly one morning while ex was gone to work . I didn't expect the other man to leave his relationship but he did two months later .
3 years on and I still love him to bits and I know he loves me . My children love him , he spends time with them . 4 teenagers that are well able to make up their own minds and he's been nothing but help to them .

I can't believe how lucky I am and I tell him all the time .

@RedSuitcase I'm not going to judge them for their actions from decades ago.
Since I have known then they have been wonderful, welcoming and lovely. And I would list them as one of the most suited couples I know.

There are 2 OW/OM incidents in my extended family. One cousin is happily married to the OM, I don’t think she ever loved her first dh (no dcs) but felt pressured into it. An uncle had an affair with a younger women through work, this surprised everyone as his wife & family are lovely & they always seem happy. The wife kicked him out & he moved in with OW & they got married & had dcs. Personally I don’t think he’s happy but just went with it as couldn’t undo the damage.

And if there are children involved - that adds a whole other dimension. Not sure how well it ever works out for them - in non-abusive relationships of course. My two politely loathe their Dad's second wife (who was the OW) and they're not particularly keen on their Dad either and that's without me having said a bad word about either of them.

Yes my cousins don’t really like the uncles new wife & I would say the feeling is shared by the extended family. Even though first wife is not blood she has always been very involved with the family, went to school with my dad & other family members etc & she & dcs was very much taken in more so after the affair. There is nothing really wrong with uncles 2nd wife she’s just a bit bland.

In the nanny situation that I mentioned the children of the previous relationship adore her. They have a very strong relationship with their father and step mother and the origin story has had no affect on them now.

I wonder if you asked the spouse of the cheater and the children caught in the middle if they see the happy ever after ending that the cheating parties describe.

My ex cheating gave me the freedom that an abusive relationship never did. But his and his girlfriends happiness came at expense of the childrens emotional wellbeing.

I wonder if he thinks it was worth his happiness.

Well, I have an ex from long ago who is married to the woman he cheated on me with. They’ve been together 18 years now. Of course, I know he was having a affair on her for about the first four years of their marriage. I’ve moved away and lost touch with all those friends now, but I’d be shocked if he wasn’t still cheating on her with someone. Depends on what you consider “working out”. They’re still together. Happily? No idea.

Namechanged for this.

Yes, I was the OW, now married to him. Been together nearly 30 years, married for almost 20. To my knowledge he has never cheated on me nor given me reason to suspect it. His first marriage was rocky at the time we met due to him developing MH issues which his wife found difficult to deal with (by her own admission). There were many reasons why he found it difficult to make the clean break to leave at first - some practical (e.g. financial - his wife didn't work at the time), a lot related to his MH, some to do with him feeling guilty at leaving the home in which his children lived. It wasn't an ideal start to our relationship and I'm not proud of any hurt I caused his wife, but not everything in life is ideal or clear cut, black and white.

Nearly 30 years on. We're strong, solid, happy. Have weathered a lot that life can throw at us and it has brought us closer together. When he left he gave up all financial interest in his former marital home and signed it over completely to his wife, and made sure the children never went without financially or in terms of their relationship with him. His wife has remarried and they remain on amicable terms, she and I are civil when we have to communicate e.g. at family get togethers involving the children. His children are heading towards middle age themselves now, are in settled long term relationships, and I have a good relationship with them, especially the youngest who sends me 'to my stepmother' Mother's Day cards every year without fail. We don't have biological children together (I've never wanted them, he was happy not to start a 'second family') so no tensions over his children feeling replaced or playing second fiddle to a new family.

I didn't marry "a cheat". I married a man who cheated once due to a specific set of circumstances. My DH and I behaved badly many years ago, but we are not bad people. I appreciate that the majority of MN would happily see me in particular burn in hell after being humiliated by my DH cheating on me in turn and I completely understand why.

You never truly know how happy anyone else’s marriage is. Ow/Om or not.

Not many share that their partners cheated to their friends unless they separate.

I do think there is something in having to make it work due to possible judgment if it failed of it all being for nothing.

My own father has had many Ow and divorces however sometimes many on the go at once. Another man I know left his wife with a newborn baby for the Ow they got married recently but he gets offers so who knows if he takes them up or not.

Yes, sort of.

We were only friends for three weeks before we confessed we had feelings for each other and cut off all contact. Neither of us wanted to have any kind of affair, and once we'd admitted our feelings we knew that staying friends would basically be having an emotional affair, so wouldn't be possible. We broke off all contact almost immediately. If I'm honest, I didn't want to - I wanted to be with him so left my partner straight away, but when he told his wife he had feelings for someone else she asked him to stay and work on their marriage through counselling etc and he agreed, so I didn't see or hear from him in nearly a year. He knew he wanted to be with me and so spent the year ending his marriage respectfully (i.e. did the counselling, separated, sorted finances etc). I had no idea this was happening as we had absolutely no contact and no mutual friends etc. He could have been dead for all I knew.

He got back in touch the day he and his wife agreed it was over. We met up for coffee and decided not to see each other again until his divorce was underway. Once his divorce was in progress, a month or so later, he contacted me again and within three weeks we were living together. Seven years later we're blissfully happily married and we have a beautiful little girl.

So technically we didn't have an affair as such, but his ex wife would DEFINITELY consider me to be the OW as I was the catalyst for their marriage ending, and I do feel a lot of guilt for that. I think quite a lot of people, including her, assume we were in touch / even having an affair the whole time, which we absolutely weren't. I don't really feel I have a right to correct people though because regardless of the specifics, I continued to be his friend for those three weeks when I knew I had feelings for him (and knew he had them for me, even though we hadn't admitted it to each other), and that's wrong. Looking back I don't know what I would do differently though - he is definitely my soulmate and I handled it in the best way I felt I could whilst not being a martyr and sacrificing my own happiness.

No, I never worry that he'll cheat on me. He didn't really even cheat WITH me (our friendship was definitely inappropriately emotionally close but as soon as we voiced those feelings he stepped back) and that was when faced with a really intense emotional and spiritual connection, when he was in an unfulfilling marriage (through no particular fault, they just weren't very well suited), and had no children.

I know of a few people in this situation and in all but one they have separated over the long term. Usually due to further affairs. For serial cheats, once the novelty wears off they soon get bored. Throw in all the boring things and stress in a relationship and bitter exes in the mix and you can see why it is not as exciting as clandestine meetings seeing the best of each other.

IaskTooManyQuestions that article makes me feel sick. That is absolute betrayal and no OW/OM's conduct comes close.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Fri 16-Aug-19 08:04:20
Have you never heard the phrase "marry the mistress and create a vacancy"

I was waiting for somebody to post that utterly stupid and women-blaming bollocks, and there it is. How ridiculous that any woman would quote that Goldsmith misogynist but, goes to show that lengths that some women will go to to try to make another woman feel bad. Pathetic!

It depends on many things, in my case we are both separated, nothing has happened yet but we are wondering if we will be criticised despite the fact neither of us wanted to end our marriages (our partners were the ones to call time)

I'm always slightly curious about those OW, who are now in a relationship with the person who cheated on their previous partner/spouse and they say "I never think he'll cheat on me because we are happy".

I'm sure I can't be the only person who thought they were happily married or in a happy relationship only to find that they were cheated on. I don't see what happiness has got to do with it. Surely someone decides to have a relationship with someone else whilst they are still in a relationship because they feel entitled to do so and it seems like a good idea at the time (again excepting abusive relationships)?

I know a couple and they now spend their lives worrying he will do the same to them. What goes around comes around.

My MIL had an affair with FIL’s best friend. She’s still with the (now obviously former) best friend eight years later. Nobody thinks of her partner as ‘the other man’ and nobody cares about the fact he betrayed his best friend. Had he been a woman in the situation, I imagine he’d have been absolutely vilified.

I know one OW it worked out for. They’re married and have kids now but have lost most of their friends and have bad relationships with family, as most people with a moral compass just cannot get over that they both destroyed another person’s life to get what they wanted. And destroy it they did. It was horrific.

Yes but both times the couple have relocated to completely different area

I have never cheated ersonally. But I know several longterm happily married couples who began as an affair. Life isn't black-and-white and there is a big difference between the two poles of someone who is a serial cheater, and someone who is stuck in a horrible relationship, and who falls for someone else before it is completely over. Both are wrong, but the degree to which they are wrong is different in my eyes: one is inexcusable, the other is understandable.

Yes in an ideal world no relationship overlaps but life isn’t perfect. I think a lot of affairs start because the married person is miserable/marriage is dead, if they meet someone else and leave that’s fine it’s the lying for years I think is unfair on everyone. Just because someone cheated once doesn’t mean they always will, they maybe hadn’t found the right person and now they have.

I had slept with a guy from my village even though I knew he had a girlfriend and had met her. A couple of months later it happened again. He split up with her just after that and we got together shortly afterwards. We've been together over 20 years now and have two kids together. I did in the early years wonder if he'd cheat on me but he never has.