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Original poster

To ask if anyone has ever been the Other Woman...and had it work out?

236 replies

Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:31

Just that really - have you ever been the OW (or know anyone who has) and you have ended up in a serious, long lasting relationship with him? And did you worry that he would do the same and did he/has he? Name change for this one but would rather not give details as could be outing even so...

OP posts:
zsazsajuju · 16/08/2019 14:51

I think each situation is different but I have seen plenty of examples from my friends and family where it has worked out with a cheater/OW. I can understand that if you’ve been hurt you might not be want it to, but unfortunately for that narrative it can, maybe often, works out.

Colourmylife1 · 16/08/2019 14:52

My ExH had an affair for the last 3 years of our 25 year marriage. He moved in with her the day I found out and she left her husband and 2 daughters. They have been together 7 years now, including their affair, and will be getting married this month. Our adult children have refused to meet her and won’t be attending the wedding. I guess it’s worked out for her.

Ponoka7 · 16/08/2019 14:52

My Uncle married his OW, in his late 40s, she was Widowed. She is a wonderful woman. He adopted her children and they lived happily together until he died in his 80s.

He was in a very unhappy marriage and it was better for all concerned that it ended. In those days you didn't leave a marriage lightly and i think they slept together whilst he was married to help the split go ahead.

He gave his ex wife their marital home and she got a good settlement. Their Sons were Adults and working. They never forgave him, even though within months of the settlement, their Mother was living with someone else. But i think they'd directed the anger towards both of them, just at him.

InDubiousBattle · 16/08/2019 14:53

I know of one such relationship in my extended family. The man and ow have been together around 10 years now having both left their spouses to be together after a year long affair. The wife is my family member and she was devastated and absolutely raging when he said he was leaving, she was utterly broken. I always saw him as a really decent guy tbh, completely lovely family man. She was/is a quite aggressive and controlling character and I think it was a shock to everyone, not so much that he was unhappy, more that it was so out of character to do something so cruel. The wife got together with her now dh very quickly and moved him into the family home within a year of her dh leaving her. One of her dc hated the new man and chose to live with her dad and the ow.

Fontofnoknowledge · 16/08/2019 14:54

Ultimately you can never know what happens in other peoples relationships.

Being in a marriage born from an affair can make some people anxious and unhappy that more cheating will occur BUT there are many many men and women who are equally anxious in a marriage where cheating hasn't previously occurred. There are no guarantees for anyone in any relationship.

A lot of the platitudes about creating vacancies and cheaters continuing behaviour are mentioned time and time again to soothe the rejected spouse.

Rejection is horrible. It is cuts to the core of who we are. That someone who you have believed wanted you can say 'sorry - I don't want you anymore and prefer that person. It destroys self esteem. It destroys ego and when people are in pain it is natural to want to say words that will make them feel better. The idea of 'karma' is a popular line to take. If we have been rejected it makes us feel happier that the person feeling the pain will have the same pain inflicted on them.

In the short term I'm sure this helps. The problem comes when someone holds on to that 'revenge' wish for too long . As often , the reality is that it doesn't happen. He or she was simply not the right person for you.

MargoLovebutter · 16/08/2019 14:58

But Fontofnoknowledge quite often the person having the affair is not saying that they don't want the person they are married to anymore, they are saying that they fancy having someone else as well, but in secret because their spouse / partner didn't sign up to an open relationship.

They get caught out and then kicked out, so it often has nothing to do with rejection by the cheater, more by the person who was cheated on.

WhenDoesTheWashingEnd · 16/08/2019 14:58

I'm sorry to say that I have been the OW.
We've been married 6 years and have 1 DC together.
Nothing is ever cut and dry in these scenarios.

He was a good friend for some time before we got together. Both helped each other out (as friends) through some shitty situations. He was in an abusive relationship, though I never knew quite how bad it was until later.
One day it hit me like a brick that I was in love with this man and soon learned he felt the same. We didn't formally get together until after he had split with his ex although I'm not proud to say that there was a little overlap of a few weeks between him ending his relationship and us beginning one.

My dad left my mum following an affair and I really felt like starting this relationship was somehow betraying her and the hurt he had caused her. I spoke to her and explained everything before we got too serious, hoping she'd give my head a wobble and tell me to back off. She said that you can't always help who you love so long as I was certain.

I won't pretend our marriage has always been blissful, we've had our low moments. His ex is still very much around (we live in a small town). But we've worked through it together and strong for it.

Lsquiggles · 16/08/2019 14:59

I suppose I was the OW, although I hate that term! We've now been together almost 4 years and have a house and a 7 week old baby, no regrets. Sometimes you just have to follow your heart, but it definitely depends on the situation i.e. Do they have children, are they married etc

Mia1415 · 16/08/2019 14:59

I know 3 situations.

  1. it definitely didn't work out and ended quite messily
  2. still happy together after 15 years
  3. recently split up after 23 years together.
Bookworm4 · 16/08/2019 15:04

@Colourmylife1
Do they talk to their father?
Too often the OW/OM is ostracised yet the cheater isn’t.

Cherrysoup · 16/08/2019 15:10

My pil: they were both in unhappy marriages when they started an affair. They divorced their then partners, married and were happily together for over 30 years until my fil's death a decade ago.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 16/08/2019 15:15

@Bookworm4 but their father is their father. He has a prior relationship with them and they may live him. There is no such connection to a complete stranger.

Colourmylife1 · 16/08/2019 15:21

Bookworm their relationship with their father has been seriously damaged and will maybe never recover. They spend time with him when they have to but he doesn’t play a big part in their lives. He’s their father and was quite a good one in many ways and those memories and feelings don’t just disappear. On the other hand the OW means nothing to them and they have no interest in meeting her. Why would they? They are very well brought up and if they ever did meet her they would be perfectly civil but they have no interest in building a relationship with a woman who set out to destroy their family.

Colourmylife1 · 16/08/2019 15:23

Contraceptionismyfriend cross post. Thanks for getting it. I can never understand why some people can’t grasp this!

bigKiteFlying · 16/08/2019 15:26

One of the Grandmother's at a toddler group I went to years ago went out occasionally with her exH and ex best friend who'd had an affair and left her with two young children.

When we expressed utter amazement she said it took years to get there - but think it also helped she'd found someone else few years later - unbeknown to either already a work friend to her exh. Her children thought of her DH as Dad and they had'd had another child together. She also said she thought she'd done better in life in the end then her ex friend and ex DH.

I don't think the ex friend had fared as well with her ex and children but it was 30 + years the exH and ex friend had been together.

hellodarkness · 16/08/2019 15:37

"Men do not leave happy fulfilling, mutually respectful relationships anymore than women do."

I agree. Whenever I hear of a man honestly telling his wife that he's unhappy and leaving, I feel an element of respect for his honesty.

Unfortunately, it rarely happens. Usually the affair is discovered, they realise that they are happy in their marriages after all and beg forgiveness but are thrown out and have to make the best of it.

sofato5miles · 16/08/2019 15:43

@Colourmylife1 I wonder about this. I left my DH as the marriage was dead, I did not want him or the family unit as it stood. However, my children have no anger. It is the same result as if I left for someone else but maybe they just can't blame me, and that my ex and I co parent and are amicable.

Witchinaditch · 16/08/2019 15:46

I know someone it’s worked for but she keeps it very quiet she was OW and only starting to tell best mates now years after

Musmerian · 16/08/2019 15:48

Yes me. I agree with those posters who dislike the two dimensional superficial way this is always discussed on MN. I’ve been with my DH 20 years and we were both married when we got together. He’d only been married a few months and I’d been married 10 years with 2 DCs. It was traumatic and difficult for everyone but we all got through it. Relationships are complex and we don’t all get it right first time round.

Rainbowhairdontcare · 16/08/2019 15:51

I know of one. ExW and her family and friends have her a very difficult life but they're the happiest couple I've ever met and expecting their first.

boymum9 · 16/08/2019 15:55

My MIL was the other woman, FIL was married with children, they've been together 40 years and are v happy, they both have a very close relationship with his children now but it was many years and a long road to get there. First wife still despises mother in law

hellodarkness · 16/08/2019 15:56

I also know a couple who started out as an affair and seem very, very happy.

Except when she's drunk, because that's when she's honest.

Colourmylife1 · 16/08/2019 16:05

sofato5miles Your circumstances are quite different. I think it’s the lies and the deceit that my kids have had problems coming to terms with. If he had been unhappy in the marriage and simply left I think they would feel very differently towards him. I don’t think their anger at their father lasted very long but I know that their respect for him has been very damaged. His behaviour after he left didn’t help for a variety of reasons. I’m trying to explain why my children do have a relationship (of sorts) with their father, but have no interest in forming any type of relationship with the OW.

WYP2018 · 16/08/2019 16:11

My exH and the other woman still are together 7 years on, they are married and have a baby now. So I guess it can work out. I’m in a new relationship myself, I don’t have any bitterness. Ex isn’t very close to our kids though, and from what they say when they return from theirs it doesn’t sound like a very happy house. Which I’m actually quite sad about, for my kids.

RedWoollyHat · 16/08/2019 16:19

My exH and the other woman are also still together 12 years on. They're extremely happy I think. They have a child together. They are far better suited to each other than we ever were. My ex has a really great relationship with our DD still.

I know of a few other couples who are still together. Of course it can work out, and there's no such thing as karma in my opinion, in spite of that always being trotted out vengefully on here. It's all just random. Some work, some won't.

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